let me sleep

What have I done wrong? What am I not doing enough of? What is wrong with me that I cannot ever get things right? I have made so many mistakes and stupid idiotic things in such short a time. I thought I was changing my person. I thought I was finally turning into good person. I thought I felt a snidge of pride in myself but it has been stomped out. I do not care for people (beside a couple). I do not care for life. Most of all I do not care for me. I do not care to take care of myself, to shower, to cut my nails, to change my socks, to change my clothes, to drink, to eat...but I guess will do that or else I am pointed fingers at to be told I am still anorexic and in denial...but really, this time, if I miss a meal, it is not for Ana's sake of being thinner, or my sake, or anyone's sake...it is just b'coz I do not care anymore.

Dear someone,
I am not strong enough. I have made my bed literally, I will lie in it literally, now please...do for me what is supposed to come next.


If anyone happens to worry, don't. I am just deep in depression right now. I would never've admitted it except that I am so deep in it that I don't care who around me knows I am depressed. I have never been this deep in it before. It doesn't shame me b'coz no-one really matters to me except for a few.
I will come back from this, I always do. I suppose I am stronger than I give myself credit for b'coz I always pull through. I am just waiting for my drive to come back so that can happen. No more grey posts for me. Bye for now.