i can get sick without pretending

my new and first dress that i said id post! ^__^ i love it!

i felt like SHIT today! boyfriend woke me up earlier than normal today, 11am. i usually sleep till 2 or 3, fucking insomnia doesnt let me sleep till 8am. anywho, he made his moms sandwich to take to her on her mail route like we do every so often. on the way there we went stopped at the gas station. usually i stay in the car but this time he wanted me to come in cuz he wanted to get me something. so he hid her sandwich from the dog and i went in with him. i got all smart and bought coffee cuz i know it makes me extremely sick if i drink it in the morning on an empty stomach. we went back to the car and what did we find? the dog, eating his moms lunch! how the hell she got the sandwich out from above the visor beats the fuck outta me! so we had to go to the store because he had used the last of the sandwich meat for that, then we went back home to re-make it, then back out to drop it off, then back to the store because we had to go grocery shopping today. so, the smart part! the whole time we were doing all that i was drinking my coffee and by the time we made our second trip to the store i was feeling quite sick. i tried to pretend i was ok until we got out of the store because i knew he needed to get things done and i wanted to get all the stuf i needed but i couldnt. we had to go home early. i barely made it to the toilet to puke! i was so fucking sick it wasnt funny! i didnt tell him it was because of the coffee cuz im going to need that for my fasting days. its hell but its worth it! he said it was because of the heat, i do have bad heat sensitivity. when we got home i took a benadryl to help me sleep but my nauseous stomach turned into a gotta-use-the-bathroom sore stomach. i felt like i took a laxative! O.o it kept waking me up and i couldnt sleep, but finally i was ok and slept till 6:30. when i woke, i took a shower and made some tamago meshi. well, at least i didnt have to do all that pretendinglyingdeceiving i planned yesterday because my stomach was all weird. he offered to make pizza and i declined because "im scared it gonna mess me up again." but he still brought me up 2 teenie tiny pieces which i fed to the dogs :P

oh! and i forgot to tell you yesterday, i cant believe boyfriend used axe shower gel to wash his dog! O.o i thought everybody knew you cant use harsh things like that on dogs...he told me he did that because he ran out of dog shampoo and i said
"WHAT?!"
"ya, you know the axe one we got??"
"ya i do but...you used that on him?!"
"ya."
"oooh thass bad dont do that! your not supposed use things like that for dogs!"
"really??..why?"
"because it dries out their skin and makes them itch bad and they could get a big rash! if its not gentle enough for a baby its not for a dog. you cant use human soaps for dogs unless its like johnson & johnson or something cuz thats gentle, but axe?!"
"oh really? i didnt know that."
"ya! especially the axe cuz its got all those scrubbing rock things in it...ya dont do that..."
i couldnt believe he didnt know that O.o he really loves dogs but somehow i get the feeling he doesnt really know how to take care of them...i mean, wubs got super fat because he didnt follow the proper amount of food for the size/weight she is. and no, it is not because i have eating problem XD but since i took over feeding the dogs, she has lost weight and im glad. she has such a hard time breathing and running and just being a dog because she is so overweight! she used to eat a cup and a half of dry food and a cup of wet food. for her, thats way too much! and because theres wet food, of course she'll eat all of it every time. the same if you put a whole cake and a pizza in front of a dog, they'll eat it all. now that im feeding her, she gets a little less than one cup of dry food, as is needed for her size/weight and i mix that with the liquid from the wet food. only our old greyhound, buster, gets to eat the chunks of wet food that i take out after mixing wubs and grippen's food. he doesnt have teeth so he hardly eats any dry food.

boyfriends friend wanted us to come down to his job and hang out for a while after he gets off. on the way there boyfriend says
"aw man!"
"what?"
"i forgot my ID, i wanted a beer."
"oh, aww."
so we went down there and his friend works at a bar...a bar...i hate bars. i hate alcohol, i hate drunk people, i hate being around drunk people and i hate how stupid and obnoxious they are, i just cant stand it! i grew up with an alcoholic drug addict and its really messed up my mind. ive sorta worked out the whole thing with boyfriend though, i dont mind if he has one every now and then but when that "every now and then" is less than a month apart, i freak out! but i was fine with the thought tonight, that wasnt the problem. it was the bar. boyfriend drinking one beer would not have thrown my brain into hyper-thought-panick-mode had it not been added with a bar environment. i obviously have a ton of issues regarding drugs and alcohol so i got panicky when we pulled in the parking lot and it hit me that that was where we were going. my heart started racing, my mind started getting scared, and i started getting shakey, but didnt let it out, i didnt let it show. ive been trying to separate my anxiety with it because boyfriend isnt my dad, and one beer isnt going to make him yell, isnt going to make him disappear for a day/week/weeks/month/months, isnt going to end up with him in prison again, isnt going to make him break and steal things, isnt going to make him beg for money. i just kept it together, took deep breaths and told myself "its ok, its just a bar. theyre fucking stupid ass idiots, but boyfriend isnt. just think of aunty D and uncle J, they drink to have a good time and that doesnt bother you. its just like that. its one beer, no drunkenness, no yelling, just a simple liquid in a glass bottle. your fine." i made it through the end of his friends shift and we were finally outside and i was able to keep my panic feeling hidden =) i just cant help swearing, thinking mean things and looking down on people i see with alcohol in their hands or a joint to their lips. several months ago me, boyfriend and his friends wife took a long ass drive to see his friends son play football. i thought his friends wife was really nice for the first 3hrs of the drive, but then she lit a joint and i hated her immediately! i sat in the back seat hiding my face in my sweater hood because i could stop crying my eyes out! i hated her so bad and i was terrified of her! when we stopped at the gas station, she waited in the car while me and boyfriend went in to get a drink. i made sure to take all our valuables with me in the gas station because in my frame of mind, i just knew we would walk out of that store to find her gone and selling our valuables for drug money. she didnt, but the the flashbacks i get, i swore on my life thats how it was going to happen...and of course she lit another fucking joint on the fucking ride back! i really hate that bitch! im a complete fucking bitch to people who smoke pakalolo or get drunk around me! and i WILL NOT be left alone with them by ANY means no matter what the fucking reason is!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 8:00p
1c spinach: 30cal 2:15a

100cal total

im sick right now and i dont want to be cared for for the "sickness" you seem to think i have

my stomach hurts so bad!!! i dont even want to know how many calories ive eaten! i feel so fat; i can see it, i can feel it, ive gained so much weight tonight :'( i want to cry but i have to hold it in. i want to cut, cut so deep through the fat that covers my bones and rip it all off. i want to run away and purge it all. i want to purge my guts out! purge my fat, my being, my very horrid existence out of this fat disgusting greasy world. i want to purge until i can be me again, until i can feel beautiful and happy with myself. i am happy with my life with my boyfriend but i cannot live a fully happy life until i accept my refection as it is, and i dont. why is that so wrong?

dear people who want me fat, people who cant understand my path to beauty,

why is it so wrong to want outer beauty as well as inner? i am not dead, and neither am i dying. i simply want beauty. i want to feel calm when i look at my reflection. i wish i could be as proud of my fat existence as you all seem to be. i wish that i could attain the thinness that the rare few of you seem to attain even while eating disgusting amounts of food...but i cannot. i despise the rotten smell of food and oil, the desire i have to eat and food itself. if you would all shut up, if my fleshly desires would shut up, i would eat lettuce and carrots for the rest of my life. to open one's own skin is unacceptable you say, to eat so little as i eat is shocking you all say. and how is it your flaws are gone unnoticed? the feasting, the over eating, the laziness, the gluttony. show me, how is that any better? my stomach is at its normal size, while yours? yours is stretched out and ugly. i keep my consumption in check, only consuming what i need and no more, i use food as my life-line and nothing else, while you? you abuse it! so please, tell me, why am i wrong? one eats "too little" while the other eats too much, one is in control while the other is run amok, one is almost thin while the other is fat. my dear, dear fat and over eating people, i think it is me who should be allowed the freedom and you to be confined!

love,
your darling.....caring.....always fighting, alice...to be in thinland no matter what the fuck you fucking say because you cant stop me! i will fucking fight it!

"you havent eaten in two days!" ya, right. like you'd let me get away with that. what do you call what ive been shoving in my mouth huh? dirt?!
"define not eating."
".....babe......you know how you said to tell you when im upset with you?"
"ya....what?" oooh here it comes, here it fucking comes a-fucking-gain!
"i feel frustrated, aggrivated.....hurting my feelings..."
"whyyy? im healthy! im fine!"
"you havent done this since you been here..."
"this is how ive always been. i used to be like this befroe i moved here!"
"..."
"i dont like to.....eat...alot."
".......i walked 2 miles to the store for you yesterday because i love you, you can eat for me tonight." guilt trip.

"....ok..." it worked.

we went to the store, he got pizza. he cut me a little slack and said i could eat my soup. i thought,
"ok, thats not so bad. 1 cup is 50cal, i can do that."
so we got home he started his pizza, i porued out 1 cup into a bowl. i wasnt really into it becuae i was being forced and watched so i got lazy and went for the microwave. he saw how much i had in the bowl and got a little loud
"oh babe c'mon!"
"what?! ill eat more later!" i head to the microwave.
"why dont you pan that?!" you mean 'pot'?!
"because...i dont know!"
"....you know what. do it how you want...do what you want..."
"....." i pour my bowl out into a fucking pan and pour all the contents of that fucking can into the pot and turn the stove on high!
in the meantime he cools off and my soups almost done. he walks into the kitchen and i change my tone to soft, inncoent and understanding.
"my tummy's tiny now i cant just eat all of that at once. i was going to come back later."
he sighs "i know.." did you really? or did you just let your frustration take over? huh?
he realizes he may have left his phone at the store and goes to look.
while he's gone i eat half the soup and feed half to the dogs. but the more i think about the whole fucking situation ive found myself in the more angry, hateful (toward myself) and trapped i feel.
"you want me to eat?! huh?! you want me to fucking eat?! ill fucking eat!!!"
i make myself a half peanut butter sandwich with a tsp each of peanut butter and jelly. i shove half in my mouth and feed the dogs the rest. im angry but i cant help trying to restrict and stop myself. i cant get rid of the anger. he comes home and i nearly get caught with some of the soup in the dogs bowls, they couldnt eat fast enough so i stick my hand in frantically grabbing what i could and throwing it in the trash before he opens the door. he didnt see me but my heart is pounding and im shaking. i dont want to be caught! id look even worse in his eyes than i appear right now. he didnt find his phone, im still angry and hurt and i feel disgusting and now add nervousness to it. im yelling it even louder in my head now "ill fucking eat! is this what you want?! huh?! you want me to be a fat pig?!! huh?! ok! ill be what you want!" as im stuffing my face with a cinnamon roll. he sees me eating and he looks relieved. pft, he has no idea what it is doing to me on the inside! he decides to make a note about his phone and who to call if its found and says he's going back out to give it to customer service.

"you want me go with??"
"no, i want you stay here and eat."
"i did eat! i had the soup, well i threw out most the soupy part cuz i couldnt finish it and i ate a peanut butter jelly sandwich and that cinnamon thing."
"you did?!" ya you dont see?
"ya..."
"oh good girl!"
"i am??" wtf...it made mefeel happy but, he has no idea what it puts me through...
"ya!" uhhh huh...if only you knew how its making me feel. its torturing me on the inside!
since he wants me to stay that gives me some hope to make it up to ana while he's gone. i run upstairs and purge it all! well as much as i fucking can! i feel somewhat empty. when he came back i still felt so much anger and hatred and i dont know why but even while she was yelling at me for doing it and im saying no, no, no, stop, stop, stop, i ate another cinnamon roll and made myself a cheese ham roll :'( my stomachs in turmoil as well as my mind. i cant take this! i dont want another day of this yelling and screaming in my mind! i dont want to feel this way! i just want to be left alone to do what makes me feel calm inside...

later when we went back in the room he hugged me a little too tight

"oh careful! my stomach is too full."
"oh, ya sorry i forgot." he lets go and i go on the bed.
"i really did eat too much.."
he sighs "babe, i dont wanna hear it..."
"well, i used to eat little before i moved here remember?...why was it ok then and not now?"
"i know and i talked to your mom about it."
"you did?! what did she say?!"
"she said you didnt eat!"
"why didnt you ever say anything to me about it?!"
"i did! dont you remember i got on you about eating?!"
"....." i remember now "but im fine! im healthy! i just dont like to eat so much!"
"..im not gonna argue about this with you (what am i a child?), i, i dont wanna talk about this anymore. i dont wanna talk about it."
"..."
i know. you never want to talk about it. when i was scared to go against my mom and give you my address so you could send me a christmas gift and i told you i couldnt do it, you didnt wanna talk about it. when i cut myself 7x a day you could talk about it but when you realized i couldnt get better fast enough for you, you didnt wanna talk about it. and now, when my not eating is getting too much for you, you dont want to talk about it. i need to talk about it with someone! i need someone! and if its anybody it should bloody fucking be you!!!.........im glad i have this blog to get those hurtful thoughts out because im just so frustrated and hurt and confused and i dont want to take anything out on him that isnt his fault. i just want to talk. if he's not going to listen then he should at least support letting me see someone, but he wont. and even if i want so desperetely to talk to someone, im too scared to. i dont want to be stopped, i just...i dont know...i dont know what i want.

i feel so sick right now! my stomach just refuses to digest all this crap ive put into me! i dont want to eat like this ever again. i dont want to feel this anger anymore. ive had these feelings before, over and over, again and again all my life, please boyfriend dont make me do it again, please...

im not listing todays over, eaten, purged or net total cals. i do not want to know and neither have i kept track. im just so depressed...