frozen dinners are EVIL!

when i get material and a sewing machine in the far future, i am sewing that sweater! haha i love it! :3

i havent written in a bit. its been stressful, hard, worrying, scary, painful and horrible for a bit. but things have calmed down so im back =)

gosh ive had the absolute worst period ever! it hurt so badly i couldnt move the other night. it gets bad after i miss a month and ive been missing every other month fo quite a while now. so, its been a bad period, every period -__- only this time was much worse.

ive sold 2 sweaters and im so happy! im almost finished with one :3 i wish there was a way for me to get more sales, its proving to be a bit difficult to get it out there. ive been looking for a job and have applies to about 7 places so far. its pretty limited since ive no experience but im trying my hardest! i aaalmost could have scored a photography job though but i lack the proper equipment...haha i gess that means i cant say almost haha! i wish! ive to save up at least $1000 before i even think of a photography job! O.o speaking of photography, ive been debating on beginning a photography blog. of course i take picture alot but i havent been taking quite as much as i should be. im very harsh on my photos so my photography portfolio is lacking.

as for my eating, ive been eating more salads for lunch/dinner, baby carrots/apples for snacks. ive been feeling pretty good about myself food-wise. oh goodness, beside one huge mistake i made last week! i was having a good day and let myself have a frozen dinner. bad idea, i cannot say it enough, bad bad bad idea! 1) i ended up eating the entire thing even though i was full halfway through -__- it was a hungryman. hungry. MAN! not hungrygirl, not hungryfemale, not hungrywoman, hungryMAN. so its obviously bigger, duh. 2) it was greasy and i overkilled on the bbq. 3) frozen dinners/pre-packages foods are not very good for your body in the first place. 4) it started a binge feeling which was super hard to control. i was already full from the hungryman but i still ate other things. and last/worst of all, 5) after i ate it i looked on the back. it was...900calories! O.o holy. SHIT! thats my cal limit! (my "healthy" daily cal amount is 1200, if i was eating up to that amount, that would leave me only 300 for the rest of the day!) so obviously i totally hated myself after that and wanted to purge it so badly. i ate my whole daily allowance in one meal not to mention what i had eaten previously that day. tsk tsk tsk, shame on me. never again hungryman, never again.

welp, ive got to get back to the sweater! ^__^

hmmm things get curiouser and curiouser...

sooo...we went to blockbuster to get call of duty for boyfriend. i was going to look around for new releases to watch tonight but i didnt feel like taking up time so instead i headed over to the art section while he paid (art sec in blockbuster?? haha). i saw they had awesome photos of Marilyn Monroe and american mcgee's alice printed onto framed wood, when i noticed my reflection. the pillar next to the art had full length mirrors on all four sides. i wondered why since its not like they were selling or ever sold clothing or sunglasses or hats. i made sure no one was around first before i stood in front of it. i couldnt stop from trying to analyze my body, i wanted to save myself the humiliation of someone seeing a vain girl stare intently at herself in front of the mirror...the odd thing was what i saw...i saw a girl who met my expectations all exept my thighs were still a bit on the larger side but its tolerable. it caused me to stare even more so. it baffled me and i still dont understand it. i swear im chubby but now i dont know. i could not believe i saw a girl who wasnt fat or chubby. my pants were baggy and so was my shirt and my face wasnt chubby beside its normal japanese girl chipmunk cheeks. i actually looked presentable....acceptable. im not sure if it was because today was an easy day, if its because i havent been eating until im full so i feel better about myself, if it was because my clothes just dont fit so its an illusion, if it was the mirror tricking me (im thinking it was that but who knows), or if im somehow...getting better?? im sure a bad day is about to hit any day now because they always do and its not over yet, but this was defo a nice change! =)

in other news me and boyfriend took a walk in the woods again today :3 it was nice out! it was fun but also for a sad reason. his dog, buster, is very old and we needed to pick a spot to bury him. i think we picked a nice one that will make buster happy. he has a nice stream in view and beautiful trees, vines and odd roots ive never seen. we also found a spot to picnin...(ive typed that word 6x and it still comes out with an "n" at the end rather than a "c" -__- so im leaving it that way) its going to be out little spot in the woods :D

also, my favorite music:
its a bit on the older side but still good!



and im in LOVE with this song! i love her lolita outfit, i wanna get married in a dress just like it!!! even when i was younger i never thought wedding dresses were very pretty and i always knew my dress would be something different and beautiful =)

japan girls are tiny, i am japanese...i need to live in japan

ive had a few good days =) i still miss myself but on good days i can at least feel ok. i can eat without regretting or having to experience the internal fights. i dont have to feel so distant from myself or so fat. i suppose i cant really say i feel fat as in obese, but i feel fat like chubby, over weight. when i look at myself in the mirror, i look almost how i did when i was 135lbs O.O goodness forbid! i will never allow myself to become that far gone again! NEVER! i will never let myself go past 110! that in itself is too far. ive also another proof that i am able to be at 95lbs. i am japanese and over all, japan girls weigh between 36-45kg (which is 80-100lbs). in japan, it my as well be unacceptable for a girl to be over 100lbs for she will be called and looked at as fat. it is not ok to be over 100lbs unless you are surprisingly tall (which i am not). girls over 100 are considered fat or chubby...so i am fat because im japanese and im 107 right now :P :P :P the norm in japan right now is 5' 3" 100-105lbs. thats "technically" underweight, if your in america. so judging by that, a girl of my height, 5', would be between 86-91lbs. (AKA- heaven) so yes, i need to live in japan! im going to someday and i cant wait! not only because of that matter but hey, can you blame me for being happy? heaven is accepted in japan, of course id be thrilled! XD though the weight norm is slowly climbing because of the western influence in food -__- white people ruin everything they touch...sorry, im a bit racist at times :P

sadly, however much medical/other proof i have that i can be 95, no one is going to like it because unfortunately, i have a label now and have given people a preset way of thinking if they know about ana/mia. so even if i was 95 when no one knew, even if i was healthy, even if everyone said i looked good, they will now say i am unhealthy at 95, i look gross, i look malnourished, i need to gain 5+lbs, whatever whatever blah blah blah they want to say. it is only because of the ana/mia label that they now feel that way about something they were previously alright with. people are given tunnel vision when they learn things, they do not consider things of fact, only things of fear and untrust. same as when my mother found i was cutting. scratches were not just scratches anymore, shaving slips were not just shaving slips, they were suspicions. she did not take into consideration the fact that if i had done it with purpose they would not be out in the open, they would remain hidden in a hidden place. people are blind, run by emotions. i am also at fault of being emotionally blind as well. seeing with true eyes is not an easy task, ive had anxiety attacks because of such confusion at trying to see with true eyes and not emotional eyes. so i do not blame but merely state facts that i wish were more known. the only thing i blame people of is not letting me be, saying i am too "thin", accusing me and jumping to conclusions that i have not had enough because i eat like a bird. my whole family eats like birds (beside a few). ive a tiny tummy by default. at times i dont feel like eating breakfast, i never was a breakfast person; neither is my mother. and at times i dont feel the need to stretch it more than need be. especially now, at this critical time, i should not be stretching it to eat more than i need, or else ill be in torture as i was the night i decided to scrub away my fat...i felt i was going to lose my mind that night.

i never understood when my mother said she almost lost her mind on a certain day she had a panic attack. she said she could feel her self, her mind, her thoughts, leaving her. jumbling into themselves and imploding. she said she was afraid because she could feel her sanity slipping. now i know what that feels like. i can now understand how a person can fear for their sanity and know when insanity is near. i always thought insanity was something that just happened without warning to its host, but i think that is only in some extreme cases.

anyhow, those are the only things i blame people of. i am trying to change for the sake of the people i know, so i feel they should try to help me, not bring me down for i am doing this for them. how i eat is how i eat regardless of ana/mia. i am making sure my cals are at the appropriate level and i have not purged since i had promised i wouldnt (which i have to say thankyu for, i was caught in the worst mia phase i had ever been in since i was 14 and that brought me out of it). and not only the people i live with, which is why i said people i know. it happened while on vacation and happens over phone. also, they should see that calling me too thin or too skinny is just as hurtful and bothersome as saying i am fat or too chubby. if you are chubby/fat it is still you, it is hurtful, it is basically saying a person is ugly because of their outer appearance and you cant accept them for who they are. same goes if you are being called too thin/skinny. it is who you are, it is hurtful, and it is saying you are not accepted because of who you are.

yes, ana/mia makes it seem as though we are vain. some of it is vanity. vanity to look better than others, to feel above others. but it is the insecurities, the lack of control, the self hate and perfection we battle (at least that is how i view it). it is not so much the need to be thin to look good, but the need to prove i am strong and i do have control. the need to show it to the world and to myself. part of it for me is vanity, but the bigger part is seeing any kind of fat as a form of weakness and inability. i want to look beautiful in a sense of strength. my bones are beautiful because they show how strong ive become. the more they show, the more outgoing i seem to get, less insecure, less self conscious, less nervous. for some reason it stabilizes me...any of you girls feel that way?

forgive my rant, i had so much to get out for i had not had a chance to really let loose and write my feelings.

tomorrow is an excuse

i keep saying "i will do better tomorrow" "i will eat healthier tomorrow" "tomorrow, no greasy food". i say it SO much! every mia phase for the past 6-7yrs! i cant help but feel, "how many more tomorrows do i have to go through this torture? is it going to be 'tomorrow' for the rest of my life until the day i die?!" they dont know its such a fight for me every single day to eat how they want me to. i eat like them and pretend im fine with it and i am, on easy days, but i dont have many of those. i seem fine to them because i dont throw up anymore and i rarely binge (not that that in itself would be realized). but mia was the smaller part of me, the bigger part of me is the part that stays under 150-200cal per day. ok, i have to off track for a min: i felt SO AMAZING that last month! i must say i felt more in control, strong, alive and like me than i ever felt in my life! :D im glad i had the opportunity to finally feel that without opening my flesh...though i have to admit that feels pretty good in itself. im able to keep my emotions in check when i cut or whatever harm i do to myself. without it im this vulnerable little girl who cant keep her emotions to herself, gets hurt all the time and cries just as much, yuck! who wants to be such a cry baby?

...ok, back to what i was saying. its a fight everyday and i cant wait till im either "all better" (that term just annoys me but i dont know how else to put it) or somehow back to ana...pshhh like that would ever happen! thats one of those dreams you know will never come true. i try to ignore my mind and just eat but alot of times i end up arguing with myself and tearing myself up! oh well...ill figure it out someday i hope =)

oh ya! our 1yr anni was on the 3rd! yay! :D we went to a concert, my first haha! i didnt write about it or halloween because for some reason ive been a bit absent from blogger as you've noticed. partially lazy, partially busy and partially ive lost my reason and meaning to who i am. i apologize to all of you girls who i am closer to. i do read your blogs i promise :3

i need a dr before i go insane

i had a breakdown last night...i wanted curly fries so we got arby's for dinner. i like it...i wanted it...but i felt so much like i failed myself. before i ate it i told myself "you want it, it tastes good, recovery" after i ate it i wasnt so positive. one, it was fast food. greasy fast food! two, i used the sauce and got cheese. three, i ate more than i should have. i let myself become fuller than i realized i could handle. after dinner i took a shower totally ignoring the battle that would come in the bathroom. i knew i was full, felt crappy, and felt ive failed, but i NEEDED a shower! that is when i need it the most actually. i tend to feel loads more dirty when ive over eaten. so i went in there, closed the mirror FOR SURE! (you know, they should sell those things with a warning printed between the layers in the top corner, like how they give epilepsy warnings in video games. "WARNING: if you've an eating disorder, do not use while nude!" haha!) i wanted to purge, i almost did it without thinking but luckily i brought myself out of it which i am happy about. ive come so far i dont want to ruin it or my relationship i love him too much.

im glad the shower and air vent makes quit a bit of noise. the anxiety/panic attacks i have in there are defo embarrassing! x_x i fought myself so hard that i gess i kinda broke down for a bit...i washed my hair, conditioned, shaved, the whole time telling myself im crap, this is not me, im fat, why cant i be at least skinny in my eyes, ive failed, i have to find a way to get rid of it. but also telling myself no its just your mind, dont do it, dont go backwards, remember its not real...by the time i got to scrubbing my body i just...snapped...for some reason i thought maybe if i scrubbed hard enough and fast enough that it would go away. i went for it like a crazy person just scrubbing and crying until i crouched in the tub and just let myself cry under the water until i couldnt cry anymore...why i thought i could scrub my fat away? i dont know...i kept thinking of how i dont understand why i see and think so differently from everyone else but at the same time i was thinking that if this is what i see and think then why is it wrong to be me? as well as trying to make myself think like them or to at least make myself forget it and just be how they want me to be. all those contradicting thoughts jammed at each other and i just confused myself into a moment of insanity.

i hope i have better days. i feel pretty good today so im glad for that =)

EDIT: sometimes i feel as if i am being forced to be someone than who i am. if people dont like who i am then fuck them! this is who i am and who i have been for most of my life and i want to, and sometimes do, think that im not going to be someone i am not just because they dont like it. but on the otherhand i know i am ill now...however the pride in my bones and how little or healthily i eat remains and i doubt it will ever go away.

attention my little blueberries!

that beautiful cat girl has inspired me to fix myself. i cant stop seeing her body and wishing it was mine! bad enough every girl i see, be her on television or passing on the streets, im analyzing her body and searching for strengths and weaknesses, and now i got one to humiliate me right next door! i feel embarrassed to walk outside...how pathetic :P so back to exercise with me! for i am no longer sick with a fever. back to eating healthy, for greasy food is not helping my tummy, and back to 95lbs i go for i need to stabilize my mind! and i have proof that i am medically allowed to go down to 95lbs, see: height to weight ratio

that is all -thankyu.

ps- i know, ive been talking about getting back to eating healthy for 2 months now and havent done it yet :P its kinda hard to eat healthy when you dont pay for the groceries, which is another reason, EMPLOYERS WHOSE COMPANIES I APPLY TO GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE!

ok, that is all.

i wanna be that cat girl!

well.......i HAD to think of something that fucked me up, now didnt i? we went to a halloween party last night and the lady that lives across the street was hosting. she wore a black, skin-tight cat costume with an open chest and back. i couldnt help but secretly stare at her. she's not my type at all though because, well i just dont like lady's like her but...her body...it just made me miss mine is all...it made me envious! jealous in fact! and a tad bit angry as to why her body is ok with everyone and mine was not. her thighs dont touch, her spine is noticeable and even the bony ribs in her chest space by her sternum were showing! i want all of that back! the only physical thing ive left that comforts me and lets know im not completely back to being a fat ass as i was, are my clavicles. i find myself, i suppose you could say caressing them haha! XD while im watching television or riding in the car i stroke them and love them. sounds a bit mental of me doesnt it? :P im just glad they are still there! its all i have to tie me to the memories of how strong i was, the only thing to confirm and prove to me that i am a strong person no matter how weak people say or think i am...which is ALOT of people...actually, its everyone i know...oh well, i gess i cant change that view they have of me; ive tried.

pangs of relapse, however im pushing through

the more i see myself in the mirror and the more i take notice to how much food im consuming lately on a daily basis, the more im beginning to feel the pangs of relapse nudging me, telling me i need to eat less and exercise more. i need to hurry and get myself back to 95lbs before i go into a full blown relapse and have to start again from the beginning. the problem with me that has been from the start, is that i really miss being myself. i miss being stronger than everyone else. every time i look at my tummy or my thighs or my but, all i see is fat and weakness, failure. sometimes i am ok with how i look. sometimes i can actually hear the words boyfriend tells me when he says im beautiful, but unfortunately no matter how often, how much, or how in detail a person may go into about how they see me as pretty, it just doesnt matter. yes it makes me feel good and im not saying i dont like it, i do, i appreciate it very much (if its someone i know. if its from a person i dont know it just makes me uncomfortable and i usually phase it out haha). but it only lasts a moment. i feel good for a moment...if i even believe it, if im not just smiling and laughing it off while thinking in my head "how can you think that? im ugly, dont you see?" there are times i can feel pretty; i have my moments of vanity thus my pictures on facebook, but for some reason it can go away in an instant without warning, poof! back to feeling less than everyone else. i found if im feeling ugly or gross, all my pictures turn out the same way; ugly and gross.


i really cant wait to get a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist (not sure cuz im not into meds, but if i need it then...i gess). i need to have all these things delt with. ive made a small summary of things that i need help with/addressed so that im not a bunch of mumbled quiet whispers of stuttering hesitations on my firstsecondthirdfourthfifth appointment:

ANA/MIA:
obviously haha!

BDD:
ditto XD

OCD:
calories
food amount
emptying/cleaning my plate
shower routine
neatness
order
people touching me
touching peoples things
sitting in poeples chairs
odd numbers

SAD (social anxieties):
nervousness at gatherings
nauseous feeling
clinging to those i know
chewing on lip
picking at fingers
butterflies
sweaty palms
stuttering
hesitation
vulnerable feeling without security blankets ex-my bag, my camera, my jacket, the person i went with
quietness
declining invitations to avoid all of the above

PTSD:
being around drunks
anger toward drinkers
instantly fearing/hating those who smoke marijuana and having flashbacks
flashbacks during heated arguments/loud fights/angry swearing
fear/anxiety at the smell of beer or marijuana

OTHER:
fear of men
finger tapping when stressed or preoccupied
compulsive face picking (dont tease me...it embarrasses me...)

on the happy side, last night before i got my dinner, boyfriend said "be careful when you eat that, its very filling." i was so happy! he helped! :D

me and boyfriend took the dogs on a little hike in the woods =) it was super fun! the leaves are turning brownish-orange, the sky was beautiful, the air was crisp and the stream was almost nothing. it made for perfect pictures! the dogs had fun, i had fun and so did boyfriend :D boyfriend wanted to find a snake so we looked but no luck :P however we did find salamanders!!!...i think they were salamanders anyway haha! ive never seen one and i was so excited! AND we're going to go on a picnic there soon, its so beautiful in there! depending, we may even camp there a night :D i LOVE camping!

people give a fuck for the wrong things :P

<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.

i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?

k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."

all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!

VANCOUVER!!!

IM IN VANCOUVER! :D haha im on a trip visiting my cousin, k. its really good! something i needed! im haveing loads of fun! it is mostly a photography trip. k's girlfriend's dad let us borrow 2 of his antique SLR cameras so we've been going crazy with them! also i finally pierced my lip! it looks so cute XD ill put up a pic later. right now i am totally breaking out :P i completely forgot i am allergic to st. ives face wash sooo my skin is baking out bad in an attempt to rid itself of the toxins i gave it XD

we drove to the coast and spent loads of time in antique shops =) on the way back home we stopped in a little town and took pictures of an abandoned church. there was a girl standing at the bus stop and she caught my eye. she was dressed in a black top with a black hoodie, black glasses, a backpack, a multi color vintage skirt, spiderweb fishnets and black platform boots...or were they combat boots...but either way she stood out! the sky was gloomy, the ground was wet, the leaves had dew drops, it was just the perfect shot! i HAD to ask her for a picture; so i did and she knew exactly what i wanted. she knew i didnt want a posed smile looking at the camera. she reminds me of myself. anyway i took her photo and got her email to send them to her. it was invigorating for me, im not one to do things like that because of my social anxieties, but i did it! :D

ive been doing ok with my intake...well...its been COMPLETELY OVER!!! which i am disappointed in but recovery is about learning to let go of control and gain it in other aspects of life. it was easy at first to just eat, but right now ive hit a point where im eating little again to prevent myself from having to go through the stressful process of going to the bathroom, standing there in front the toilet with my hands on my face while trying to tell myself to get out of there before i make a mistake. every time that happens i have to turn my thinking around from one of failure, to one of success. it always says "you've eaten too much, therefore you've failed, get it out and take away that failure." so ive to re-train it to say "you've eaten a healthy amount, walk away from the toilet and succeed with one step closer to recovery." i like that im becoming more comfortable with my cousin that i can now tell her when im upset about it.

being here ive realized many things about myself i have never noticed: 1) i dont like leaving food on my plate, its one of my OCDs, which is a big reason why i over eat and feel sick. so now, when im full, i put napkins over my plate so i cant see it then push it away before i eat too much. either that or i pack it up, or k takes it away or packs it for me. im going to get into the habbit of asking for a to-go container in which i can put whatever i know i wont eat, into it so my portions on my plate arent as big. 2) i click my teeth without even knowing it! k noticed i was doing it alot and after i did it once she asked me what i was thinking and i said "i dunno, why?" and she said "cuz you were clicking your teeth and i just wanted to know." i didnt know what she was talking about, "what? cick my teeth??" haha it was funny! she said "ya, try to keep track of that, what are you thinking when you do it." so every time i did it she asked what im thinking and 90% of the time i dont ven know i do it! O.o i found out i do it when im excited, anxious or worried/stressed.

this is a very good trip for me! i get to explore my artistic side, be with family, learn about myself and find new techniques to help myself :D

75lbs vs. 85lbs vs. 95lbs

DAM! look how thin that girl is! and oh her legs are gorgeous! :D

my dream is still to be 75lbs, 80-85 at most. will it always be there? will it never go away? and why do i want such a weight so badly? in my technical mind i know it is socially/healthily wrong, but i dont care, it doesnt stop me from wishing. i still want it. i have so many questions with no where to place them...why do i enjoy seeing my bones? why do i enjoy hunger? why do i feel that the type of food and amounts a person eats makes them weak or strong? why do i go through phases where i lack control and gain control? why do i go through phases of ana/mia? currently: mia - purging = weight gain/maintain. i want ana - binging = weight loss/bones. i know i cant fulfil my dream so ive been focused on getting as close as i can without starving myself or purging...do you know how fucking hard that is when your body is telling you you have already arrived at your healthy weight?! why did i ever let myself binge at the beginning of recov?! had i not done that id've been able to look at a plan to gain to 95 and maintain.

but beside all that! i getting a med card! yay! i need to have my tummy checked out. and unfortunately it also means im due for a woman/girl doctor visit O.o im not looking forward to it but i want to get on the pill. i dont like condoms very much and i dont like waiting to get more at times we run out. im an everyday, multiple times a day kinda girl XD also my period is very abnormal so we get scares every so often when my period skips a month (like last month...though, cant say i want it because im fond of it, id rather never have it of course. dont we all wish).

im also going to kmart to get more yarn and apply for a job :D boyfriends mom used to work there and said they are always hiring because people never stay. i hope i get it! i need money for Christmas! i have never missed a year of giving gifts to my brother and im not about to start!

booties, yoga, stretches, and failure but who cares?

i feel a little down. i have messed up FIVE days of ABC so far. the initial one was...difficult but not horrible. the more i mess up the more i feel i want to give up because i wasnt supposed to mess up this time! :'( i was supposed to rock it and succeed, but im failing...again...i want to give up, however i am trying to remind myself that it is merely five days out of fifty and that it isnt going to hurt me to proceed with my best. i am tyring to tell myself it will be failing if i give up rather than if i keep going no matter how many screw ups i get...oh, i forgot to mention i am NOT GETTING ANY FRICKING RESULTS! O.O whyyy? (duh! it is in the foods i eat...) i am exercising and ive taken up yoga again.

i must say the yoga and stretches that ive been doing are showing results in the limber area of life. i have minor scoliosis from my father so it helps me ALOT. it is why i started in the first place several years ago. it isnt visible when ive proper posture but if i slouch or sit with my legs straight out, its noticeable -__- and alot of times if i lay on my tummy with my chest propped up by my elbows, i get stuck and in pain like an old lady with a bad back XD

i am constructing for myself, a mood journal. it will be for my feelings toward intake and for the project with my cousin -changing one thing in my daily routine (my OCDs). change something small that makes me a little uncomfortable but not feel out of wack. i dont know if ive mentioned it before but this project is to help us let go of control; for me, helping to distance myself from ana gradually as i see fit. i think that in recovery from an addictive type thing, it needs to be done at a slow gradual pace. otherwise there will just be a constant circle of relapse/recov which is not what i want. i am not ready to eat any higher than 800 right now, i feel sick even eating that much. ive been being horrible with my ABC actually, even on days i fit the limit. alot of times i save up my cals to one big meal (usually unhealthy) which is why i havent any results...therefore i cannot complain...but alot of days ive been feeling the huge need to purge and i noticed that when i feel disgusting about what/how much ive eaten, i tend to scrub alot more and harder in the shower. i suppose i just feel dirty for eating so much and so unhealthily. it is time to change...how many times have you heard that now? XD

oh! on the fun side! i made a set of italian greyhound booties because it is difficult to find ones that fit that have a reasonable price, as their proportions are unique. it turned out very well considering i made the pattern on my own =) im pleased with my work. usually im not for dressing up pets but italian greyhounds shouldnt be in the cold without warmth, they are prone to sickness from cold weather. next ive to make her sweater and my socks. they're fishnet socks and i thought it would be a nice challenge.

another breakdown

i am completely stressed today. i feel so overwhelmed, sad and just upset. i had a breakdown all by my lonesome tonight; closed myself in the dark closet, cried and hyperventilated. i basically had another emotional breakdown, just an overload of negative emotions came pouring out. i needed it but i still dont feel better. this time is different though: im angry at myself and i dont know why, im mad at boyfriend and i dont know why, im sad and i dont know why. how can one claim all these emotions toward a person or them self and not know why?? i really need to look into medical insurance! i need a psychiatrist badly! someone to talk to, someone professional who will try to understand and help me, someone i can confide in who will allow me to talk about things i need to. not to mention i also really need to get my tummy checked out. its been getting progressively worse. i woke at 10a today and couldnt get out of bed until around 4p.

i told boyfriend that i missed home and he suggested i go home for a month or two, then he will join me and we return here together after a third month. i am not completely sure if i want to do this, but maybe i should. maybe i need it. maybe i need a break from everything before i lose my mind. i feel myself slipping back into depression and i dont want to go back there. im trying my hardest but its just adding to all my stress.

well...fall classes began...and i am not in them...i feel like a failure again, possibly something that adds to my emotions. i just procrastinated and procrastinated and just never did it. i usually procrastinate and then crank things out at the last minute, but not this time. -and here i go putting myself down again- i sound like a baby but im scared. i didnt do it because im scared. its stupid i know, but its true and its how i feel. i just wish someone would understand that and quit putting me down for the things/hurt/sadness i feel!...anyway, to put it short, i took the wimpy road and didnt pursue uni in fear of failure which in turn has made me a failure, aint life sweet?!

upside down and all around

im doing good, my cals are in check, its all panning out quite well but for some odd reason i feel so...backwards. i feel odd, like something is the matter with me. but nevertheless i am trucking on and doing what needs be done.

yesterday was cleaning day since i had forgotten to do it on saturday...ok, let us off track a second on that. something must be the matter with me if i forgot cleaning day on saturday and did it on tuesday. i usually cannot stand to do cleaning day on any day but saturday and normally, if i miss a saturday i will wait until the next saturday to do it, but not this time O.o ok, so i had cleaning day. scrubbed the toilet, swept the floors, wiped the mirror and the counter, folded the laundry, and cleaned the steps. i noticed that our dog wubit has been shedding profusely and causes quite a bit of the furr dust in the house, so i took her outside and gave her a good rub down with my fingers seeing as we do not have a dog brush O.o but it was kinda funny, she made a dog fur snow outline in the shape of her but! XD

pictures! :D i made this hat! meg, at leak, inspired me to make it. its not really the best hat, it was my first try, but i kinda like it. it sorta looks like its supposed to be...how to put it...not right? broken? injured? XD

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

turning weakness into strength

ok so! i need control, i need to be healthy, i need to stop being a fat ass unruly eater. i regret to inform you all, those panties i was so happy that i once again fit...are currently no longer wearable. (i italicize currently seeing as im set on making that change) i cant get my fat ass in them O.o yes, i have put on THAT much weight, oh goodness help me! how on this earth am i still tolerating myself? i had stopped wearing them after i began self recov, i felt i didnt deserve to wear them because of how horrid my intake was. well, after my shower i put them on and i could not, for the life of me, get my ass to fit in the dam things! and believe me i TRIED! i didnt want it to be true. i tried and tried hoping that maybe if i tuck my ass fat in here and tugged a little there, that maybe, just maybe, it will fit; to no avail. shit, ive undone all my hard work! recovery does not mean eat like a pig and it definitely does not mean to binge, its all just making me hate myself all the more. so, back to counting cals. im on ABC again! modified ABC mind you, im still shooting for recov =) haha isnt it neat? i will be finishing ABC on halloween.

oh goodness, ive had such a rough couple weeks! ive confronted boyfriend about his pill highs and unfortunately this took place on the morning of his birthday. i just couldnt keep it to myself. it was a now or never situation. if i can speak, i need to speak or i never will. so i took advantage my emotional readiness and spoke my mind. it was a one sided argument; mostly i was the scolding girlfriend but i dont care, it needed to be addressed. to put it our conversation short i basically said "choose me, or the pills". i told him "this is the same stuf i went through with my father as a child. he would fall asleep all over the place, wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me to cook him food only for him to fall asleep in it and id have to clean it all up...i refuse to make the same mistake as my mother. as weak as everyone thinks i am, im stronger than that." i emphasised that i dont want to be jerked around, no hiding, no pretending its going to stop when its not. i told him he needs to let me know what he is going to do. i also made sure he knows how much i love him and that it will not/hasnt changed. if i have to, i will leave. im not going to do this every month, im just not. i hope it doesnt come to that because i love him with all my heart and it will be so hard to know i failed my first relationship. i always wanted to make the right choice and fall in love with my eyes open. i didnt want to be love blind in my first relationship and i hope i havent been. i hope the good boy he really is can pull through and chose me. i wanted my first relationship to be my last, i really want to marry him and make a life with him! so, i only have left to wait and see if ive failed or succeeded.

on the bright side, he cheered up later that night after work =) i spent the whole day baking his birthday cake. i was upset but after i got it all out i was able to be ok. im not one of those people that holds a grudge and keeps being upset. im only that way if i havent had a chance to really get it out. i would put up a pic of the cake but ug, i dont wanna look at food right now i feel so gross :P but if you wanna see it click the smiley (^-^)

i want my tiny ass and cute boobs back

ok, so much for the new outlook on recovery. i HATE it!!! i miss everything, i miss control, i miss my bones, i miss my happiness, i miss my STRENGTH, i miss my almost thinness, i MISS ME!!! i HATE ME!!! i dont like all this on me, its not who i am, i feel like someone else. my face is chubby, my ass is huge, my arms are flab, im getting chin fat, dont even get me started on my thighs and tummy...no actually its a fucking belly now! and omgosh ive got vaginal fat O.O i just miss it all. im so weak right now, ive been using recovery as my cover up for the binges but you know what? im so not in recovery at all. im at the phase of anorexia where you seem normal to the untrained eye. im just a big joke. a big fat ass joke that jiggles when she laughs. i have no control, i eat and dont check calories, i dont restrict, i eat mayo and butter and whole or 2% milk, i eat chocolate and ice cream, i eat fried foods, im a big FAT failure. i miss my little cute tiny ass, flat minimally concave tummy, inch separated thighs and my almost non existent boobs. yes, i like them small. im a little self conscious that they are small or almost nonexistent because i know people judge that, but i actually really like them better that way. theyre so cute when theyre almost gone! ^__^

anyways, i wont ramble on and on about how much a hate me because ive done it already and im sure you dont wanna hear more. well, im off like a dirty shirt!

new thoughts, new me

so...ive been eating disordered since the age of 12. it really became full blown at 14-15; it has been SO very long. i never really thought anything was wrong until 17 when i really started thinking about things. at 17 my thought processes became deliberate, not subconscious. i think back and i wonder, when did it all start? i cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "wow, you look good!" i cant remember ever feeling good about myself. the thoughts i remember are feeling i was fat, weak, too shy for my own good. i never thought id ever get the chance to know love because im not good enough for it. im worthless weak and definitely too much for any one person to handle if they knew everything there is to know about me.

i hide things in fear of rejection. ive hidden so much that when i think "ok, he knows me completely now, ive nothing to hide." something shows itself that ive forgotten or have put off. i mean, im not saying my anorexia is something i simply forgot to mention, not at all. i hid that with purpose. but there is always something hiding in the back of my mind waiting to be remembered, confronted; waiting to explode. first it was my contradicting darkness and all my oddities, then it was my depression, then my cutting, now my ED. what else have i got that threatens to isolate me? am i going to go completely insane and turn into a vegetable? alot of time i feel like i could and may very well be traveling to insanity. i feel...not right...up there...just not right.

from the time boyfriend asked me to be his, ive always said that if we ever separate, itll be because of something ive done. maybe not something ive done purposefully like cheat or steal, but something ive caused. i proved myself right, i have never wanted to leave him but i have given him reason, twice, to leave me if he saw fit...but at my surprise, he stays...that makes me happy. it makes me feel i can stop worrying and fearing loneliness because i wont ever be alone again. but the closer i get, the more i keep things to myself. and ive done that for so many years, ever since i was a little girl, that i think i cant take it for very long anymore. i have emotional breakdowns. the first time i started feeling things and actually crying when i needed to, was when i met boyfriend 2 years ago...he made me weak...i dont know how, but he has. my mom sees it, my brother sees it, even i see it. why does love make a person weak?

well, this was a depressing one wasnt it? it wasnt supposed to be. it was supposed to be a happy one at my new feelings toward recovery. haha well, despite the mood this post sets, im in a happy, quite ok mood this evening. ive got on a new outlook and im going to give recovery the best shot ive ever given it yet! wish me luck girls!

drunken fireworks and virgin guy friends

last night me and boyfriend went to the webn firework show. it was amazing! so many fireworks ive never seen! they even timed it with the music, it was neat =) there were some bad things to it though :P we sat on a wall and it seemed fine and good until a drunk guy shows up. he was with the people that were below us at our feet. he stunk bad of alcohol and was SO drunk! he kept wobbling all over the place and rubbing up against my legs every time. when he finally went to sit down he fell on the teenage boy on the ground below the wall next to me! then he puts his feet on the kids outstretched legs and also spills the rest of his voka on the poor kids shorts! O.o ok and as if that wasnt enough, he decides to grab my dangling foot and PULL it almost yanking me off the wall! had i not grabbed hold of boyfriend with one hand and the wall with the other, id've fell on his 2 children and goodness PLEASE forbid, him! O.O i was listening to my ipod while we waited for the fireworks to start and it happened so fast that by the time i realized what was happening, it was over. had i figured it out sooner id've shoved my dirt filled conversed foot into his drunken vodka face!!! i wanted to SO badly! later he was bent over with his ass in the poor boys face, i really wanted to just tap his but with my shoe just enough to send him tumbling over. he was barely keeping his balance anyway i doubt he wouldve known he was pushed, but i didnt want to potentially be the girlfriend who get her boyfriend into a fist fight XD

ive been doing better as of late =) i lost a little and have been eating healthier yay! haha so im pleased with myself! i hope this lasts i really do, i hate feeling so depressed and down. i like feeling in control of myself and less stressed =)

i made a really cool friend!!! :D i love him i really do XD in no way romantically, i love him in the way i love all my friends. he's 20 and a virgin! can you believe that?! that was the thing that caught me to continue talking to him. he is waiting for that one girl and i find that so noble of him. ive been trying to help him find a good girlfriend cuz he had one but she dumped him. he's really such a sweet person at heart and he should have a kind cute girl i think ^_^ i met him online and he live about a half hour from me! i really wish we could meet but i dont think it will happen. i have a boyfriend now and i hate to admit it because it mean i have to follow it, but i would defo feel a pang of jealousy if boyfriend met a girl online and wanted to meet her. so i gess our friendship is staying within the internet.


a photo i took of a butterfly at coney island =)

oh! and i caught the ending of a commercial on A&E and i swear it said "food fearing". but now that ive looked everywhere and i cant find it, im not sure if thats just what i heard and it was actually something else or if its real. does anybody else know??

its almost winter and i want to dress like a bear or a silly girl with a unicorn on her coat!!!

ive noticed that i get severe cramping immediately after a bowel movement. its pretty much every time and it hurts so bad. not really stomach cramps, id say it feels more like my intestines have been knotted up or slit open in at least 3 random spots each time. and sometimes i swear it is almost as if my stomach needs to be filled with waste O.O it seems that after it empties, it collapses or something. i dont know how else to put it but it is quite painful to say the least! it often hurts badly to breathe so im forced to take short breaths. no doubt its from eating the greasy foods as ive been, its time to stop! its time to be healthy and start trying again. ive been lacking in motivation and just watching my body turn to crap hating it all the while. its time to put my foot down! i dont feel like me anymore and that collapsedstomachcrampsslits, whatever it was, is my body saying it misses my healthy intake and it is "politely" informing me that IM MAKING IT SICK! i need to take care of myself so that i can love myself, agreed? "yes" moving on.

now that thats taken care of i will say that i am not making any more diet plans or making myself a set of rules as i often do. no, not this time. it is too soon for yet another "plan to success" that i will fail. i am not going to focus on calories, as hard as that will be i need to let that go as best i can. i will not focus on anything. right now i just need to focus on staying healthy, not eating till im stuffed, getting rid of those horrible painful whatevertheyare's, and being able to feel like me again. for the second time, agreed? "yes"

my thighs touch again, how horrid, and my stomach folds when i sit...i swore i was over 100lbs now but i gess its all in my broken eyes. i asked boyfriend
"how much do you think ive gained since we fought??"
"oh i dunno, 4lbs?" i made a shocked face because i swore i was at least 105 again. my face slowly turned to a look of disgust after i realized it still meant ive gained. though i knew that, its horrible to hear.
"what babe?"
"nothing."
"you shouldnt ask me questions like that. its hard to answer because any amount i say your going to not like it."
"i know, i wont ask you anymore. i just really wanted to know a non-biased opinion since i dont have a scale and i REALLLLY want to know how much i weigh."
he's right though, i shouldnt put him on the spot and i wont anymore, i just needed to know for myself.

i was about 93~94. -94 last time i weighed but im not sure if i lost one more before our fight-
and he says i gained about 4. -ill say 5 since i figure he went a litto lower so to not hurt my feelings as much. plus it feels like 4lbs is just too little compared to how gross i got-
so i think its safe to say im about 98-99lbs now. -ill go with 99-
fucking sucks! ive got to get back to my lowest healthy weight which is 95. i cant stand the way my thighs rub, the way my tummy folds over and leaves a red crease when i stand up. and i for sure cant stand the way my tummy hangs to one side when i lay on my left or my right in bed! ug! its so embarrassing!

and oh no! winter is coming! O.O ah!!! i wish i could hibernate through the cold XD last winter i didnt have my own coat or boots, it was the first cold winter id ever experienced, so i had to use boyfriends megadeth sweater and his moms boots. i did love wearing his sweater ^__^ heehee, though i do want to sometimes look *cough* girly *coughcough* haha i hope i can find a good cheap payless pair of boots and nice thrift shop coat. and mayyybe if im lucky and i get money by then i really want this cute furry fuzzy bear/rabbit sweater! theres pink, white and black for rabbit, and brown white, black for bear =)


and i absolutey LOVE this old fashioned lolita coat too...if it wasnt so dam expensive id be ALL OVER IT!!!