drunken fireworks and virgin guy friends

last night me and boyfriend went to the webn firework show. it was amazing! so many fireworks ive never seen! they even timed it with the music, it was neat =) there were some bad things to it though :P we sat on a wall and it seemed fine and good until a drunk guy shows up. he was with the people that were below us at our feet. he stunk bad of alcohol and was SO drunk! he kept wobbling all over the place and rubbing up against my legs every time. when he finally went to sit down he fell on the teenage boy on the ground below the wall next to me! then he puts his feet on the kids outstretched legs and also spills the rest of his voka on the poor kids shorts! O.o ok and as if that wasnt enough, he decides to grab my dangling foot and PULL it almost yanking me off the wall! had i not grabbed hold of boyfriend with one hand and the wall with the other, id've fell on his 2 children and goodness PLEASE forbid, him! O.O i was listening to my ipod while we waited for the fireworks to start and it happened so fast that by the time i realized what was happening, it was over. had i figured it out sooner id've shoved my dirt filled conversed foot into his drunken vodka face!!! i wanted to SO badly! later he was bent over with his ass in the poor boys face, i really wanted to just tap his but with my shoe just enough to send him tumbling over. he was barely keeping his balance anyway i doubt he wouldve known he was pushed, but i didnt want to potentially be the girlfriend who get her boyfriend into a fist fight XD

ive been doing better as of late =) i lost a little and have been eating healthier yay! haha so im pleased with myself! i hope this lasts i really do, i hate feeling so depressed and down. i like feeling in control of myself and less stressed =)

i made a really cool friend!!! :D i love him i really do XD in no way romantically, i love him in the way i love all my friends. he's 20 and a virgin! can you believe that?! that was the thing that caught me to continue talking to him. he is waiting for that one girl and i find that so noble of him. ive been trying to help him find a good girlfriend cuz he had one but she dumped him. he's really such a sweet person at heart and he should have a kind cute girl i think ^_^ i met him online and he live about a half hour from me! i really wish we could meet but i dont think it will happen. i have a boyfriend now and i hate to admit it because it mean i have to follow it, but i would defo feel a pang of jealousy if boyfriend met a girl online and wanted to meet her. so i gess our friendship is staying within the internet.


a photo i took of a butterfly at coney island =)

oh! and i caught the ending of a commercial on A&E and i swear it said "food fearing". but now that ive looked everywhere and i cant find it, im not sure if thats just what i heard and it was actually something else or if its real. does anybody else know??

its almost winter and i want to dress like a bear or a silly girl with a unicorn on her coat!!!

ive noticed that i get severe cramping immediately after a bowel movement. its pretty much every time and it hurts so bad. not really stomach cramps, id say it feels more like my intestines have been knotted up or slit open in at least 3 random spots each time. and sometimes i swear it is almost as if my stomach needs to be filled with waste O.O it seems that after it empties, it collapses or something. i dont know how else to put it but it is quite painful to say the least! it often hurts badly to breathe so im forced to take short breaths. no doubt its from eating the greasy foods as ive been, its time to stop! its time to be healthy and start trying again. ive been lacking in motivation and just watching my body turn to crap hating it all the while. its time to put my foot down! i dont feel like me anymore and that collapsedstomachcrampsslits, whatever it was, is my body saying it misses my healthy intake and it is "politely" informing me that IM MAKING IT SICK! i need to take care of myself so that i can love myself, agreed? "yes" moving on.

now that thats taken care of i will say that i am not making any more diet plans or making myself a set of rules as i often do. no, not this time. it is too soon for yet another "plan to success" that i will fail. i am not going to focus on calories, as hard as that will be i need to let that go as best i can. i will not focus on anything. right now i just need to focus on staying healthy, not eating till im stuffed, getting rid of those horrible painful whatevertheyare's, and being able to feel like me again. for the second time, agreed? "yes"

my thighs touch again, how horrid, and my stomach folds when i sit...i swore i was over 100lbs now but i gess its all in my broken eyes. i asked boyfriend
"how much do you think ive gained since we fought??"
"oh i dunno, 4lbs?" i made a shocked face because i swore i was at least 105 again. my face slowly turned to a look of disgust after i realized it still meant ive gained. though i knew that, its horrible to hear.
"what babe?"
"nothing."
"you shouldnt ask me questions like that. its hard to answer because any amount i say your going to not like it."
"i know, i wont ask you anymore. i just really wanted to know a non-biased opinion since i dont have a scale and i REALLLLY want to know how much i weigh."
he's right though, i shouldnt put him on the spot and i wont anymore, i just needed to know for myself.

i was about 93~94. -94 last time i weighed but im not sure if i lost one more before our fight-
and he says i gained about 4. -ill say 5 since i figure he went a litto lower so to not hurt my feelings as much. plus it feels like 4lbs is just too little compared to how gross i got-
so i think its safe to say im about 98-99lbs now. -ill go with 99-
fucking sucks! ive got to get back to my lowest healthy weight which is 95. i cant stand the way my thighs rub, the way my tummy folds over and leaves a red crease when i stand up. and i for sure cant stand the way my tummy hangs to one side when i lay on my left or my right in bed! ug! its so embarrassing!

and oh no! winter is coming! O.O ah!!! i wish i could hibernate through the cold XD last winter i didnt have my own coat or boots, it was the first cold winter id ever experienced, so i had to use boyfriends megadeth sweater and his moms boots. i did love wearing his sweater ^__^ heehee, though i do want to sometimes look *cough* girly *coughcough* haha i hope i can find a good cheap payless pair of boots and nice thrift shop coat. and mayyybe if im lucky and i get money by then i really want this cute furry fuzzy bear/rabbit sweater! theres pink, white and black for rabbit, and brown white, black for bear =)


and i absolutey LOVE this old fashioned lolita coat too...if it wasnt so dam expensive id be ALL OVER IT!!!

me

hey girls. i wish i could say things are better but they are not. i dont understand what is wrong. just, so many things are going wrong. i feel depressed all the time and i hate it...im so tired of life. i am young, im 21 for fuck sake, i shouldnt know this feeling but i do. im in my early 20's i should be living life to the fullest, laughing, smiling, feeling the sun, being invincible...but instead i feel life is pointless, i laugh in moments that last a few seconds and ditto for smiles. i am by no means invincible. i feel fragile, weak, like i could shatter at the smallest shout. everything hurts, everything saddens me, everything feels like this is heading no where. i was recently told by a friend, basically in so many words, that i am weak, fake, heavily influenced, easily hurt and that one would like to think i am my own person but it seems the opposite. i am weak, ill give her that much, but fake? influenced? not my own person? i thought she knew me. i am fake in terms of hiding my pain to the best of my ability, smiling and laughing when i hurt inside. but i AM my own person! i locked myself away from people for so many years because i was sick of people and of being told that i am not myself, being told that i take on and copy others. well i was young, 12, its what kids do. but i had a mature sense of self and i hated being told those things. so in an effort to fix it and prove them wrong, i stayed away from people to try to discover what was me, what i liked and disliked as myself. and as a result i am an odd weird girl that everyone sees as "different". and i dont see that as a bad thing at all, not one bit, i like it. i love it! i AM my own person! and here it is happening again. someone is telling me i am not me and it hurt. and when i expressed that hurt i was next told that i hurt too much.

i am so confused! i was told that i should never hold things in for i suffer emotional breakdowns, which is true. i was told that i had no need to hold my feelings in because i will be comforted, loved, understood. so i start to let them out, slowly learning how because it was never something i was capable of. (that is until i met boyfriend in '08, he weakened me somehow, everyone says so and i see it too.) but then i speak of my hurt feelings and am told i let too much out, that being nice to me all the time isnt possible...i dont like this. i dont like being jerked around all the time. my emotions are fragile, ive carried them since i was a little girl and to let them out is hard, there are few people who get the opportunity to see the hurt i hold. i cant do this in-out-in-out, its just breaking me.

there is a fast food restaurant opening near our house and its walking distance. im going to apply and i really hope i get the job, you have no idea how bad. i dont care about the money except to pay for a psychiatrist. i really really really reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally need and want one so badly! if i could ask for that for Christmas, i WOULD and it would be the only thing i ask for! it is the only place my emotions and feelings are safe. the only place i can let myself relax and let go and get help. no one else knows how to help me. no one else wants to try, or to understand, or to let me let it out so that i can feel some sort of peace. all they know is that it is too much, and they would rather disregard my past hardships which i NEED addressed and understood. i need someone to try to understand not to push me away. im so so tired of being pushed away or made to be quiet. things need to be addressed and taken care of or i will never be able to live and be how everyone needs/wants me to be.

also one of the things that bothers me most is the fact that all people see in my eating disorder is fat/skinny/too skinny/healthy/unhealthy/sickly, but that isnt what this is about. i need/needed to know -for. my. self.- that i can be strong. i can not eat if i choose to, i can resist it if i want to. no one else can do that beside people like us. it isnt about fat or skinny for me. when i see that ive gained i dont hate it because im ugly in physical appearance of vanity, i hate it because it shows how weak ive been and i am tired of being that weak little girl everyone sees when they look at me. the more bones i see the stronger i know ive become. "i dont have to eat if i dont want to eat and no one else can do that so dont you tell me i am weak!" is basically how it is.

as a result of all things said, i have decided that from now on i am going to significantly diminish any signs of weakness that i portray to anyone who is not a therapist. from now on, this is where all my energy will be going:
1. no more crying
a. unless alone
b. if i cant hold it back, i must go take a walk. crying cannot be seen by those close to me.

2. no more displaying of hurt feelings
a. i will smile in the face of hurt
b. laugh act normal as if nothing is wrong

3. no more anger

4. no more disappointment

5. no more over eating or eating of large calories
a. no greasy food
b. fried foods will be occasional
c. no more meat

who am i? i am me. this is me:
female
japanese/british
5 foot 1.5 inches
98lbs
small-x small in blouses
size 1 in jeans
small feet, size 5

at parties and gatherings i hide from people to avoid conversation and stick close, almost clingingly, to whoever it is i am with. i am quiet and i stumble over words when you meet me. i usually cant think of anything to say so i keep my mouth shut for fear of embarrassment and just wait until you speak to me. and even at that i dont say much. in result, many mistake it as dislike or hatred when, in fact, i am just a shy girl. i am the girl you see that you want to protect, the girl who is helpless, timid and shy. the girl you can barely hear but a whisper from and who could yell as loud as she wanted in a library and no one would hear a peep.

when you get to know me i learn to talk and to be loud and you wonder how it ever was that i didnt speak. you see the oddities in me that make you smile, my little quirks and interests that you find unique. i start to have my moments of boldness and times when i can speak out. the more comfortable i get the more i am pushed away, the more people dislike me. perhaps this is the reason for my shyness. i suppose it acts as a wall.

as for my likes:
i like BOYFRIEND, books, TEA, games, shows, ribbons, BOWS, clips, HATS, socks, thigh-highs, dogs, ferrets, strawberries, blueberries, muffins, cookies, OATMEAL RAISIN ANYTHING, rainbows, birds, MIA, fake jewelry, love, COLORS, happiness, smiles, the gazette, laughter, bones, CONTROL, thin, POETRY, nature, leaves, PARKS, swings, slides, beaches, FOOD, swimming, sand, coral, fish, seaweed, stars, the moon, blood, ANA, cuts, wounds, GIRUGAMESH, hunger, zucchini, STRENGTH, lettuce, GRANOLA, bananas, WRITING, grapes, raisins, MUESLI, dehydrated blueberries, letters, perfume, skirts, blouses, beads, VINTAGE, owls, cross stitch, knitting, CROCHET, rubber bands, plastic tree, sakura, edamame, MOCHI, saba, kimono, kanji, ROMANCE, thrift shops, THERAPY, dates at the park, KISSES, hugs, UNDERSTANDING, support, acceptance, photographs, abandoned places, pet shops, anime, manga, japanese metal, DAVID BOWIE, lolita, cosplay, bunnies, butterflies.

my dislikes:
DRUGS, alcohol, lying, cheating, anger, CRYING, feelings, emotions, negativity, yelling, MEN, people, weakness, FOOD, darkness, loneliness, helplessness, worthlessness, hatred, fear, anxiety, SPIDERS, ants, centipedes, MIA, rich blond bitches like paris hilton, mia, disregarding peoples feelings, PEOPLE that smoke PAKALOLO around NON-smokers, people who insist on me drinking, ANA, people who INSIST that i take pills, people who get drunk, people who act stupid, headaches, anemia, hospitals, doctors, dentist, medication, TREES AT NIGHT, when those close to me dont believe in me, ROCKS UNDER THE WATER, being called fake, being isolated, NOT HAVING THERAPY, not being understood, not having support, not having love, not having boyfriend