attention my little blueberries!

that beautiful cat girl has inspired me to fix myself. i cant stop seeing her body and wishing it was mine! bad enough every girl i see, be her on television or passing on the streets, im analyzing her body and searching for strengths and weaknesses, and now i got one to humiliate me right next door! i feel embarrassed to walk outside...how pathetic :P so back to exercise with me! for i am no longer sick with a fever. back to eating healthy, for greasy food is not helping my tummy, and back to 95lbs i go for i need to stabilize my mind! and i have proof that i am medically allowed to go down to 95lbs, see: height to weight ratio

that is all -thankyu.

ps- i know, ive been talking about getting back to eating healthy for 2 months now and havent done it yet :P its kinda hard to eat healthy when you dont pay for the groceries, which is another reason, EMPLOYERS WHOSE COMPANIES I APPLY TO GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE!

ok, that is all.

people give a fuck for the wrong things :P

<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.

i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?

k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."

all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

turning weakness into strength

ok so! i need control, i need to be healthy, i need to stop being a fat ass unruly eater. i regret to inform you all, those panties i was so happy that i once again fit...are currently no longer wearable. (i italicize currently seeing as im set on making that change) i cant get my fat ass in them O.o yes, i have put on THAT much weight, oh goodness help me! how on this earth am i still tolerating myself? i had stopped wearing them after i began self recov, i felt i didnt deserve to wear them because of how horrid my intake was. well, after my shower i put them on and i could not, for the life of me, get my ass to fit in the dam things! and believe me i TRIED! i didnt want it to be true. i tried and tried hoping that maybe if i tuck my ass fat in here and tugged a little there, that maybe, just maybe, it will fit; to no avail. shit, ive undone all my hard work! recovery does not mean eat like a pig and it definitely does not mean to binge, its all just making me hate myself all the more. so, back to counting cals. im on ABC again! modified ABC mind you, im still shooting for recov =) haha isnt it neat? i will be finishing ABC on halloween.

oh goodness, ive had such a rough couple weeks! ive confronted boyfriend about his pill highs and unfortunately this took place on the morning of his birthday. i just couldnt keep it to myself. it was a now or never situation. if i can speak, i need to speak or i never will. so i took advantage my emotional readiness and spoke my mind. it was a one sided argument; mostly i was the scolding girlfriend but i dont care, it needed to be addressed. to put it our conversation short i basically said "choose me, or the pills". i told him "this is the same stuf i went through with my father as a child. he would fall asleep all over the place, wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me to cook him food only for him to fall asleep in it and id have to clean it all up...i refuse to make the same mistake as my mother. as weak as everyone thinks i am, im stronger than that." i emphasised that i dont want to be jerked around, no hiding, no pretending its going to stop when its not. i told him he needs to let me know what he is going to do. i also made sure he knows how much i love him and that it will not/hasnt changed. if i have to, i will leave. im not going to do this every month, im just not. i hope it doesnt come to that because i love him with all my heart and it will be so hard to know i failed my first relationship. i always wanted to make the right choice and fall in love with my eyes open. i didnt want to be love blind in my first relationship and i hope i havent been. i hope the good boy he really is can pull through and chose me. i wanted my first relationship to be my last, i really want to marry him and make a life with him! so, i only have left to wait and see if ive failed or succeeded.

on the bright side, he cheered up later that night after work =) i spent the whole day baking his birthday cake. i was upset but after i got it all out i was able to be ok. im not one of those people that holds a grudge and keeps being upset. im only that way if i havent had a chance to really get it out. i would put up a pic of the cake but ug, i dont wanna look at food right now i feel so gross :P but if you wanna see it click the smiley (^-^)

new thoughts, new me

so...ive been eating disordered since the age of 12. it really became full blown at 14-15; it has been SO very long. i never really thought anything was wrong until 17 when i really started thinking about things. at 17 my thought processes became deliberate, not subconscious. i think back and i wonder, when did it all start? i cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "wow, you look good!" i cant remember ever feeling good about myself. the thoughts i remember are feeling i was fat, weak, too shy for my own good. i never thought id ever get the chance to know love because im not good enough for it. im worthless weak and definitely too much for any one person to handle if they knew everything there is to know about me.

i hide things in fear of rejection. ive hidden so much that when i think "ok, he knows me completely now, ive nothing to hide." something shows itself that ive forgotten or have put off. i mean, im not saying my anorexia is something i simply forgot to mention, not at all. i hid that with purpose. but there is always something hiding in the back of my mind waiting to be remembered, confronted; waiting to explode. first it was my contradicting darkness and all my oddities, then it was my depression, then my cutting, now my ED. what else have i got that threatens to isolate me? am i going to go completely insane and turn into a vegetable? alot of time i feel like i could and may very well be traveling to insanity. i feel...not right...up there...just not right.

from the time boyfriend asked me to be his, ive always said that if we ever separate, itll be because of something ive done. maybe not something ive done purposefully like cheat or steal, but something ive caused. i proved myself right, i have never wanted to leave him but i have given him reason, twice, to leave me if he saw fit...but at my surprise, he stays...that makes me happy. it makes me feel i can stop worrying and fearing loneliness because i wont ever be alone again. but the closer i get, the more i keep things to myself. and ive done that for so many years, ever since i was a little girl, that i think i cant take it for very long anymore. i have emotional breakdowns. the first time i started feeling things and actually crying when i needed to, was when i met boyfriend 2 years ago...he made me weak...i dont know how, but he has. my mom sees it, my brother sees it, even i see it. why does love make a person weak?

well, this was a depressing one wasnt it? it wasnt supposed to be. it was supposed to be a happy one at my new feelings toward recovery. haha well, despite the mood this post sets, im in a happy, quite ok mood this evening. ive got on a new outlook and im going to give recovery the best shot ive ever given it yet! wish me luck girls!

drunken fireworks and virgin guy friends

last night me and boyfriend went to the webn firework show. it was amazing! so many fireworks ive never seen! they even timed it with the music, it was neat =) there were some bad things to it though :P we sat on a wall and it seemed fine and good until a drunk guy shows up. he was with the people that were below us at our feet. he stunk bad of alcohol and was SO drunk! he kept wobbling all over the place and rubbing up against my legs every time. when he finally went to sit down he fell on the teenage boy on the ground below the wall next to me! then he puts his feet on the kids outstretched legs and also spills the rest of his voka on the poor kids shorts! O.o ok and as if that wasnt enough, he decides to grab my dangling foot and PULL it almost yanking me off the wall! had i not grabbed hold of boyfriend with one hand and the wall with the other, id've fell on his 2 children and goodness PLEASE forbid, him! O.O i was listening to my ipod while we waited for the fireworks to start and it happened so fast that by the time i realized what was happening, it was over. had i figured it out sooner id've shoved my dirt filled conversed foot into his drunken vodka face!!! i wanted to SO badly! later he was bent over with his ass in the poor boys face, i really wanted to just tap his but with my shoe just enough to send him tumbling over. he was barely keeping his balance anyway i doubt he wouldve known he was pushed, but i didnt want to potentially be the girlfriend who get her boyfriend into a fist fight XD

ive been doing better as of late =) i lost a little and have been eating healthier yay! haha so im pleased with myself! i hope this lasts i really do, i hate feeling so depressed and down. i like feeling in control of myself and less stressed =)

i made a really cool friend!!! :D i love him i really do XD in no way romantically, i love him in the way i love all my friends. he's 20 and a virgin! can you believe that?! that was the thing that caught me to continue talking to him. he is waiting for that one girl and i find that so noble of him. ive been trying to help him find a good girlfriend cuz he had one but she dumped him. he's really such a sweet person at heart and he should have a kind cute girl i think ^_^ i met him online and he live about a half hour from me! i really wish we could meet but i dont think it will happen. i have a boyfriend now and i hate to admit it because it mean i have to follow it, but i would defo feel a pang of jealousy if boyfriend met a girl online and wanted to meet her. so i gess our friendship is staying within the internet.


a photo i took of a butterfly at coney island =)

oh! and i caught the ending of a commercial on A&E and i swear it said "food fearing". but now that ive looked everywhere and i cant find it, im not sure if thats just what i heard and it was actually something else or if its real. does anybody else know??

its almost winter and i want to dress like a bear or a silly girl with a unicorn on her coat!!!

ive noticed that i get severe cramping immediately after a bowel movement. its pretty much every time and it hurts so bad. not really stomach cramps, id say it feels more like my intestines have been knotted up or slit open in at least 3 random spots each time. and sometimes i swear it is almost as if my stomach needs to be filled with waste O.O it seems that after it empties, it collapses or something. i dont know how else to put it but it is quite painful to say the least! it often hurts badly to breathe so im forced to take short breaths. no doubt its from eating the greasy foods as ive been, its time to stop! its time to be healthy and start trying again. ive been lacking in motivation and just watching my body turn to crap hating it all the while. its time to put my foot down! i dont feel like me anymore and that collapsedstomachcrampsslits, whatever it was, is my body saying it misses my healthy intake and it is "politely" informing me that IM MAKING IT SICK! i need to take care of myself so that i can love myself, agreed? "yes" moving on.

now that thats taken care of i will say that i am not making any more diet plans or making myself a set of rules as i often do. no, not this time. it is too soon for yet another "plan to success" that i will fail. i am not going to focus on calories, as hard as that will be i need to let that go as best i can. i will not focus on anything. right now i just need to focus on staying healthy, not eating till im stuffed, getting rid of those horrible painful whatevertheyare's, and being able to feel like me again. for the second time, agreed? "yes"

my thighs touch again, how horrid, and my stomach folds when i sit...i swore i was over 100lbs now but i gess its all in my broken eyes. i asked boyfriend
"how much do you think ive gained since we fought??"
"oh i dunno, 4lbs?" i made a shocked face because i swore i was at least 105 again. my face slowly turned to a look of disgust after i realized it still meant ive gained. though i knew that, its horrible to hear.
"what babe?"
"nothing."
"you shouldnt ask me questions like that. its hard to answer because any amount i say your going to not like it."
"i know, i wont ask you anymore. i just really wanted to know a non-biased opinion since i dont have a scale and i REALLLLY want to know how much i weigh."
he's right though, i shouldnt put him on the spot and i wont anymore, i just needed to know for myself.

i was about 93~94. -94 last time i weighed but im not sure if i lost one more before our fight-
and he says i gained about 4. -ill say 5 since i figure he went a litto lower so to not hurt my feelings as much. plus it feels like 4lbs is just too little compared to how gross i got-
so i think its safe to say im about 98-99lbs now. -ill go with 99-
fucking sucks! ive got to get back to my lowest healthy weight which is 95. i cant stand the way my thighs rub, the way my tummy folds over and leaves a red crease when i stand up. and i for sure cant stand the way my tummy hangs to one side when i lay on my left or my right in bed! ug! its so embarrassing!

and oh no! winter is coming! O.O ah!!! i wish i could hibernate through the cold XD last winter i didnt have my own coat or boots, it was the first cold winter id ever experienced, so i had to use boyfriends megadeth sweater and his moms boots. i did love wearing his sweater ^__^ heehee, though i do want to sometimes look *cough* girly *coughcough* haha i hope i can find a good cheap payless pair of boots and nice thrift shop coat. and mayyybe if im lucky and i get money by then i really want this cute furry fuzzy bear/rabbit sweater! theres pink, white and black for rabbit, and brown white, black for bear =)


and i absolutey LOVE this old fashioned lolita coat too...if it wasnt so dam expensive id be ALL OVER IT!!!

i want a new dress, should i put the butterfly in my teeth?

boyfriends leg was hurting quite bad last night. its gotten worse over time. it started out as just a tender feeling to the touch, then it progressed into numbness and now it gives him sharp pains as if his leg is being stabbed with a knife. he went to the doctor and they said its a pinched nerve and that it may never go away! O.O it was so bad and i felt so bad for him. i massaged it and tried to channel my love and thoughts of making it feel better. i made my hands warm and firmly touched/massaged his leg with my palm while taking deeep slooow breaths. in through my nose...and out through my mouth. i closed my eyes and pictured all my feelings of love, of hope, and of goodness, and my thoughts of his leg being pain-free. i pictured it all churning inside me as a glowing healing liquid pumping out of my heart and through my veins with every breath; flowing into my arms, out of my hands and into his leg. im sad to say it didnt work fully :( he remained in pain. it was a nice thought and good try though. sounded like it would've worked didnt it? he said it helped a litto but the pain was still very bad.

i was getting ready to go for a walk and i tucked in my shirt like i always do. well gess what...i have a pooch again! i never got rid of it but now its really there! it hangs over my shorts like a fucking fanny pack! :( im back where i started. i got scared if my but got bigger too cuz thats one thing ive always hated. so i took the pencil test. i fucking fail. my ass is fat again...i swear if i got on a scale it would say im 107 again...thats where i started when i first moved in november last year! i was doing good when i first got here, half a personal frozen pizza a day-364cal (not that pizza is a good choice). i kinda let myself go after that. started eating the whole pizza. my stomach got stretched out causing me to get hungry more often and more to make me full. i let myself go until i realized i was 107lbs of fat. ending april i started looking for por-ana/mia and support sites but never found any that hadnt been deserted for a year or shut down. in may i found you girls and started blogging. got back on track with the support of my bleuets ^__^ thankyu so much for that! just knowing that people are there for me and understand what im going through because they are going though it too, it just makes you feel less alone =) it took me that whole time to get back to 95! im happy to say i reached 93, the smallest ive ever been! YAY!!! ^__^

pstt, hang in there, one more paragraph to go and then the good part.
at 93 i was so close to my goal, closest ive ever been to managing a smile when i look at myself and truly meaning it. meaning a smile at my body; not my hair or my clothes, i could smile at my body, and thats big for me...for all of us. i was actually able to start feeling i deserved that smile because it takes alot of control and discipline to come all that way. i started wearing half shirts and taking pictures of myself because well, i got vain XD i was proud of my work. i was almost grasping my dream, my fingertips were in its ora, i could feel the happiness on my fingertips...but it vanished! and now its pretty far...ive let myself go again.

i cant go back to 93 but 95 is my lowest healthy weight and im so fixing this. im going back there! time to get the self-pity fat that ive gained, off my body. ive lost everything i started to like about my body and i want it back! yes im in recovery but i dont have to lose control and let myself go so much as i have. ive been wallowing in self-pity about losing my dream and enough is enough! recovery ≠ losing control, ≠ excuse to be weak, ≠ excuse to binge, ≠ gaining horrid amounts of unhealthy weight! i started years ago at 135lbs and i refuse to go back there or even take steps in that direction any longer! this is the back-on-track confident me who is taking recovery by its horns and telling it AND ana what to do! not the other way around! nothing should control me, not ana not mia not recovery. i got into this because i wanted control, i lost it and im taking it back.

*deep breath and dramatic exhale* ok! now that i got that out of my system i feel all refreshed and confident and i am SO ready for the week! :D starting back my exercise routine, adding more to it and no more binging! one more binge before my mom sends me money and i will not allow myself to buy the clothes i need from the thrift shop ^__^ which i want and need so badly!
so! i went completely off track XD getting back to my walk today: i ACTUALLY walked for a whole complete hour today!!! oh, make that 58.5min cuz i RAN for a minute and a half! OH. MY. GOSH! O.O ahhh im so proud of myself! its so refreshing! =) haha a minute half isnt much but im so not a runner and havent ran in like a year so thats pretty cool for me haha. (ya i know, your wondering about my header picture now "'jogging on the path to perfection'?" haha it will be true again very soon!) while i was passing the pool, 5 girls between the ages of 7 and maybe 13 stopped me to look at my dog.
"its so tall! is it yours?"
"ya." i smile.
"look at its legs!"
"so skiiinny!"
"aww cute!"
and the last girl: "is it your helper seeing dog??" no honey, do i look blind? see my glasses? means i can see...i admit maybe not that well, and i do hold true to the contradicting phrase 'blind as a bat' but i can see haha that one made me laugh.
"how old is it?...he...she..."
i laugh a little "she and oh gosh i dunno. 5, 6 maybe?"
i start to walk again cuz i dont really wanna stay and chat too long. im on a mission of a healthy body! XD
they say bye to gripen and then bye to me.
i start walking and say "baibai!" as i turn.
i hear that one girl mimic the way i say bye. was i too happy about it? dont think she liked me much and after her mimic im thinking her question about gripen being my guide dog wasnt an accident but its ok, theyre litto and im in an awesome mood!

oh! before i finish this blog, i found the top half of a yellow and black butterfly's right wing and on the way home a maimed white butterfly flew in front of me and landed a few feet away. every time i got too close it flew further ahead until finally landing on the fence next to me and i walked past it. i saw it had a hole in its left wing...should i be worried?? butterflies are a symbol of luck, love and good fortune...wonder what that means my fortune is O.o haha i tried looking up about finding a butterfly wing but not the butterfly, or an injured butterfly. couldnt find anything accept that they bring luck and good fortune which i already knew. i did find this saying "If a woman wants a new dress, she must catch a butterfly of the same colour and hold it in her teeth while chanting a magik spell."

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 4:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal- 2c left over mac and cheese, ice cream sandwich: 730cal 11:05p
snack- 1 ice cream sandwich: 150cal 12:30a
snack- bag popcorn: 240cal 2:00a

1308cal total :P im completely over *breathe* yes im upset, *breathe* VERY...upset *breathe* but it will be ok. *breathe* im counting that as my final goodbye to weakness. starting tomorrow is a newer, better old me hahahahaha*breeeeeathe!*

strawberry-fucking-vanilla swirl hair!

July 18

today sucked! i had to open my big mouth and ask to go to a frozen yogurt place if we could find one nearby -__- we went driving to a plaza where xxx thought one would be, turns out it wasnt there and he ended up taking me for a fucking burger! why did i open my mouth for fuck sake? i wish we had found the yogurt place, i would have eaten 200cal instead of 650! :/

1 burger w/swiss: 500cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
some french fries: 150cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
6 crackers: 76cal 8:30p
some egg salad: 30cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 25cal 8:30p
some jelly: 29cal 8:30p

110cal over :(
810cal eaten
650-20%= 520cal purge
290cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 19

today wasnt so bad...i gess...at least its under 700. thats all i ask for now until i get back in gear. i cant wait till im fully recovered and back to my 500cal limit and staying under 200cal! no matter what the limit, im used to staying considerably under so this barely under/completely over thing is just ridiculous to me i dont get why i cant just control myself. but i can feel the control coming back and the dislike of food finally coming back as well. i need the weak desire and want for food to disapear again!




tomorrow i plan on walking down toward the library to pick some wild raspberries like we found the other day :D gives me a good excuse to go walking and they're delicious! ive not allowed myself to eat them yet because its sort of like a reward for me and yesterday/today did not deserve a reward! but hopefully tomorrow! ^__^

Alice D talked about scrunching her hair in one of her recent posts and ive always wanted to try it. she posted a link to a youtube vid that explained how to do it so i gave it a try! :D i did my hair up just like the vid and ill see what happens when i wake! i did it a litto different though because i have absolutely nooo coordination whatsoever! XD sooo safe to say it wont be as curly or pretty but ill get the hang of it! well, provided i like how it looks on me tha is =) i plan on permin my hair curly someday ^__^ and i cant wait till i dye my hair purple! im planning on bleaching and streaking my hair a deep purple. i have so many colors i want to do though! (i have chocolate brown hair) in the future these are all the colors i will do:

light pink
hot pink
green
red
red and black
purple and black
purple and red
purple and green
light pink and green
light pink and black
hot pink and black
light pink, purple and green
and pooosiblyy bleach my hair platinum blond with light pink, kinda like a strawberry/vanilla swirl-ish look XD .....oh fuck, just listen to me, i want to look like fucking ice cream! dam fucking food! :P i absolutely adore colors! XD


3/4 Burger King strawberry shake: 322.5cal 5:00p
3/4c Kix: 66cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 55cal 8:35p
1c Hamburger Helper Cheesey Hashbrowns: 190cal

66.5cal under
633.5cal eaten

success! :D ana is giving me back control!

im getting out of the cage mia put me in

xxx woke me up earlier than normal today because we planned to take the dogs to the park =) i usually sleep at 6am and wake at 2pm haha vampire! but its good cuz the day seems to go by faster and i take naps sometimes. but the first thing i woke to was hunger -__- normally id completely love it! i did but because im in a prone to binging phase being hungry is dangerous. so of course a stupid cinnamon roll calls to me! and i ate it! at least i didnt binge because of it! step in the right direction! ive been keeping my binges to a minimal and relatively in control if you can call 676cal control from previously staying under 200..... :P

after the dog park his mom calls and tells him that a lady she knows caught a racoon and was scared of it but needed it gone. so me and xxx went to go pick it up but we had to wait a while for them to show up. when the lady came she had 2 daughters, one older and one little, and a 10yr old son. the older daughter looked about 14 maybe 15, she is one of the only skinny girls ive seen up here! i was surprised she wasnt chubby or fat. she stood a little next to me and kept looking at me and finally said "i like your top...its, nice." i said thanks but i thought "huh? its just a regular t-shirt i tied off to the side..." she seemed shy haha but i understood cuz im the same way. i try to make an effort and comment or say something stupid XD after the lady was done taking pictures of the racoon she told xxx "so is that your daughter?" while motioning to me hahaha he kinda laughed and said "no, my girlfriend. she's older then she looks..." but he was smiling and so was i. she felt sooo bad haha XD she kept saying sorry so he said "its ok, its been a joke of ours." too bad he was at the back of the truck and i was in the front keeping our dogs away from the racoon. we had planned to give eachother a super sexy french kiss in front of anyone who said i was his daughter or sister XD i would have loved to do that!

and just curious, everytime you make an adjustment to a post after you've posted, does it put it back in the dashboard list of new posts everytime?? if thats the case, WOOPS!!! i wonder how many fucking times you guys see my posts cuz i make alot of adjustments to my mistakes! XD

1 apple cinnamon roll: 290cal 11:40a
small spoon of ice cream: 25cal 1:13p
2 slices bread: 120cal 1:56p
1 scoop egg salad: 90cal 1:56p
part of a brownie cookie ice cream snadwich: 110cal 10:45p
1 celery stalk: 6cal 1:50a
some egg salad: 35cal 1:50a


24cal under
676cal eaten

theres hope yet!

since ive been binging like crazy and im back to where i started pretty much, ive decided to begin at the begining. but instead of starting out with 1000cal, because i couldnt handle letting myself go that bad, im going to make it 700cals. i am only allowed to consume .199997lbs each day and when i get back control for that i will start to bring the cals back down into the 100's. at least i havent been having to be force fed and watched because xxx thinks im "all better" and being "a good girl" :P so when i get back on track and in control and when ana's proud of me again, im going to do a better job of hiding and pretending im eating. im not going to fuck it up again! im come too far!

ive already screwed up today but im going to keep going, keep trying! im going to back control no matter what!

1cKix: 88cal 3:30p
1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 250cal 6:05p
1 Penn Station turkey dagwood sandwich: 500cal 9:00p (purge 9:15p)
1 scoop ice cream: 210cal 1:00a purged 1:10a)
1/2 cookie: 70cal 1:00a (purged 1:10a)
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 1:00a (purged 1:10a)

478cal over
1178cal eaten O.O
840-10%= 756cal purged
422cal net total

back on track but possibly being kicked out :(

yesterday was my first day back on track and im glad! its such a relief! i hope i can continue in the right direction =) theres a whole strawberry pie and im scared for when they open it! i dont know if i can resist! but im going to do my absolute fucking best!



im worried a little. xxx's mom is being a complete fucking bitch and says we have to move out. she's mad at him because he couldnt fix the washer. she turned it on and it sprayed water all over her and she says he sabotaged her...how stupid a reason to kick us out! he tried to fix it and he couldnt so she's pissed. we have no where to go, no jobs, nothing, not even a car to live out of because thats her car...i dont know what we'll do :/ i have no doubt she'll throw out all of his stuff if he cant take it with us. he doesnt want me to live on the street with him so he asked me last night if i thought my friend J, the one that was going to come over the end of this month (which isnt going to happen now if this is really happening and his mom really does throw us out), would let me stay with her for a week. her dad probably would let me stay there but, but, thats fucking scary! he works at the psych ward with cutters, anorexics, bulimics, and depressed people. he knows all the tricks and things to look for im NOT going to a hospital no fucking way! :( im scared for us, im scared for me, i hope his mom gets over it! and if she doesnt i hope one of his friends will have a heart to let us stay. i want to stay with him...


1/2c Kix: 44cal 3:35p
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 3:35p
1 Dannon Light & Fit yougurt cup peach: 80cal 6:07p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 1:00a
1 no-sugar/low-caloire Jell-o cup: 10cal 2:25a


311cal under
189cal eaten