Because You Must, Because Its Happiness, Because you Have Control

I restrict because I must.
Restrict because I want to be thin.
Restrict because I have control.
I eat 50 because I must.
Binge 400 because I'm weak.
Binge 600 because I have no control.
I purge 300 because I must.
Purge 500 because I'm scared.
Purge 700 because I want to feel beautiful.
Purge 800 because I'm growing by the second.
My eyes see fat.
Creases and folds;
Worms under my skin;
Wiggling and growing.
Oil leaking out of my pores;
My eyes are broken.
They say I'm gorgeous.
Say I'm thin.
Say not to worry.
I cannot see the nonsense they see.
I watch them cook.
Watch the grease bubble and splatter.
Smell the fat hanging in the air.
I watch them eat.
Stuffing their faces;
Calories dripping down their chin.
I feel anxiety;
Fear.
Fear that seeing makes me gain.
Anxiety that smelling coats my esophagus.
My stomach cramps.
My stomach hurts.
It is empty because I am strong;
I'm happy I'm empty.
Happy I am on my way to the ultimate.
My body is weak and shaky.
Vision blurrs and blackens as I stand.
I dont know how to stop.
Do not want to stop.
I dream of being caught.
Dream of being stopped.
Dream of binging.
Dream of purging.
Dream of walking dead.
I eat a cracker to make it through the day.
Drink water to hide growls of the monster inside.
I hide behind my shirts and pants.
Count, multiply and divide.
The numbers that lead to the ultimate goal;
The beauty bones that are so pure;
The concave stomach;
The rib ladders and jutting hips.
I wont stop until I'm there.
Wont ever be full until the 80.
When the scale says bones are most my weight.
When I reach the pure happy thinness of beauty in my broken eyes.
Then,
Then will my eyes be fixed.