be new:

To be thin is to be beautiful, to feel beautiful, to be happy, to be new. 新しいになります。 I hope, someday, to see myself as others see me, and to be as light and happy as the leaves that blow in the wind or a beautiful balloon drifting up into the clouds...












Welcome
Hullo my little blueberry tea cups! ^__^ Thankyu for reading and being a part of my life. You help me so much. You give me more strength, determination, inspiration than if I were to be dealing with this alone and no one to speak of it to. I love and appreciate every one of you deeply! I hold each of you dear to my heart.

BEFORE JUDGING, PLEASE READ

ps.- I do not teach or wish to inspire eating disorder for it is a sickenss, not something that can be learnt. Eating disorder midset is something one is cursed with that most likely progresses slowly over the years of one's life: appearing first as a simple diet, moving forward in the form of ednos, and possibly, sadly hitting many full on as anorexia/bulimia. If you do not agree with blogs or people that support the lifestyle of the eating disordered, please leave. This blog is not for you. Please do not judge me b'coz I support others through their difficultiesor b'coz I seek support myself, for we need friends and people to talk to about our problems just as you do. Please do not proceed to tell me what I am doing is wrong, I am unhealthy, I am going to die, I need to gain weight, etc. I know what I am and what I am doing, it is not for you or anyone to tell me. I mean no disrespect for any concern; however, gaining weight and simply eating will not help me. It will make me sicker by causing mental torments.
Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poem. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

she never sleeps



she watches me
everydayeveryminuteeverysecond
carefully observing, quietlyloudly despising my attempts
she knows part of me wants to be free
she hates me for it and reminds me how weak i am being
i am out of control and good for nothing
weaklowstupiddisgustingidiot
there are days when she lets me go
only a whisper blowing through my mind
she is almost invisible
but
she knows i will come back
see the damage i've done and come back crying
on my knees beggingsubmittingneeding
pleading for her to fix what i have ruined
i depend on her to keep me strong
keep me on my way
happinesspurityperfectionbeautythinness
she is my better half
she is my evil half
she loves me
she hates me
she is the girl in the mirror
the girl that glares back at the fat covering her happiness
she scowls at me for shoving food in my mouth
for making her look so hideous
she demands to be cleanpurethin
they see me
they think im disgusting
appalled at how it is possible to be fat
they think "oh how dreadfulghastlygrim!"
i grin when im hungry
it feels so good
growlhappythinnerbythesecond
i smile when bones are visible
joystarvebeautypurity
i suffer when i eat
cryhatedespisewishfeel
i hide from the mirror
avoid any glance of the bulging bodice i have created
i stray from unfamiliar touch
to feel flesh against my flesh makes me cringe

it is not me
it is not who i want to be
i cannot be seen under this fat that forms itself out of food
clingingchokingsuffocating my beautiful bones
i miss that girl
i long for her, to see her again
but i cannot have her...
not anymore...i am sorry, so sorry
you must stay in the mirror
to forever hate this reflection that is now me

nothing much today. just that poem and the fact that im feeling quite disgusted with myself. i hate sitting and being able to feel my tummy fold into itself...ug! its one of the worst feelings there possibly is in this world besides heartach!...i feel fat and extremely full no matter what the fuck i eat, but i eat, because i have to. hopefully this gets better. i keep telling myself it will and ignoring the negative thoughts i have (except when i let them out in my blogs) in hopes that it is a phase and i will, someday, be ok. i wish the world understood the happiness in starvation, thinness, eating healthy and the joy purity of self and yet, at the same time could understand the suffering it brings...

and my goodness how bad can my weight be?! (in the sense that im too thin) one of my favorite japanese model, Yu Hasabe is my height and is only 88lbs!! grrr...


meal- 1 blueberry waffle: 90cal 3:15p
6 mini sushi pieces: 258.5cal 5:30p
1/4c hamburger helper: 100cal 7:55p
1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o pudding: 120cal 11:55p
1¼c Kix cereal: 110cal 2:25a

678.5cal total

Friday, July 2, 2010

pretty good today =)

ive developed an obsession with blueberries XD everything and anything blueberry that you could imagine! blueberry special k cereal, blueberry special k bars, tea, lotion, perfume, shampoo, conditioner everything haha! i just love blueberries! i want to smell blueberries all the time ^__^ i want to smell like them!


a few minutes ago xxx came back up from downstairs holding 2 cups with forks and i thought, "crap!" he said "here." in a firm, you will eat it voice. so i had no choice, he already made it. lucky me he went downstairs so i ran to the toilet and dumped 3/4 of it and flushed. i waited a while and went downstairs. saved for today! that fucking cup had 300cal in it! O.o


1 Special K bar strawberry: 90cal 6:15p
1/4 Cup A Noodle: 75cal 10:03p
335cal under
165cal eaten

"I Like Everything"
I like curly, wavey, somewhat messy hair.
Clips, bows, polka dot ribbons.
Colorful rubber bands and hats of all shapes and sizes.
I like odd tops that are ugly.
Tops with funny sayings, tops that are little, tops that are big.
I like to drown in a top that is too large or suffocate in a top that is too tiny.
I like jumpers, shorts, skirts and dresses.
Long shorts, short skirts, flowing dresses.
Bubble shorts, bubble skirts.
Short shorts made with denim, corduroy, and classy fabrics.
I like covering my cream colored legs.
Pink socks with black stripes, leggings lined with lace, stockings with little suspended dots.
I like black shoes, white shoes, pink, green, orange, and yellow.
Shoes that click when i walk and squeak when i turn.
Mesh shoes, clear shoes, canvass shoes.
I like pearls, beads, silver and plastic.
Teapots and merry-go-rounds from my neck.
Brushes from my wrists and stars from my fingers.
I like music that calms the restless soul, music that wakes up your life, music i cant understand and says everything without a single word.
I like singers that stand out with crazy hair, ugly style and singers that cant sing.
Singers whose voices hypnotize your mind.
I like soft, thick, warm blankets in winter and thin, airy light blankets in the summer.
Blankets that keep me safe, wrap me up and rest lightly on my skin.
I like the dinosaurs on my tiny blanket all year round for the little girl inside me.
Light, old, and smells like dust it keeps my childhood alive.
I like parks with trees, green grass and hills.
Warm, cool breeze to mess my hair, swings to reach the sky, slides to feel a rush.
Crawling through kiddy tunnels and climbing up the wrong way on slides.
I like escalators and glass elevators.
Keeping my legs still and making the moving rails pull me in.
Waiting until the last minute before I jump off.
Watching the people below with bags, carts and purses.
I like old books, new books and library books.
Hard, soft, broken or torn.
About love, laughter and painful journies to happiness.
I like smells.
Books, flowers, berries, vanilla, coffee, rain, my love and my blanket.
The smell of old books to make my soul tingle with joy.
Coffee in the morning that make my senses twirl.
The smell of rain in the air to make my skin tingle.
I like to wake to the sound of birds and the feel of my loves soft skin brushing mine.
Soft breathing that fills the room, the rise of his chest under my palm.
I like colors of fruits and vegetables.
Crunchy orange, thin white, tube green, round red and blue.
I like coffee, tea and water.
Vanilla tea, clear water, black coffee.
Bluberry tea, fruit water, sugar coffee.
Strawberry tea, vitamin water, marshmellow coffee.
I like drinking from sippy cups, eating hello kitty spoons and on smiley face plates.
I like being werid, hyper and fun.
Sleeping in my lap, buying ugly things, squeaking when im happy.
Sticking out my tounge and smiling, tilting my head and staring at things.
I like to twirl, jump, hop and skip.
I like the sky.
The clouds that drift hiding the continents from being baked like cookies.
The birds that soar, wings spread, for miles.
Swaying trees that frame my gaze above.
I like the ocean filled with life.
People at beaches, fish in the sea and coral in reefs.
Seals that guard their pups with their life, otters with clams on their fuzzy wet tummies, sharks that threaten to end their lives.
I like big teddy bear dogs, scamppering playful ferrets and teenie bright yellow fluffy birdies.
I like to watch the rainbow colors in bubbles swirl furiously while i blow until they fade and pop.
I like cute little desk lamps.
Dangling chains, colorful glass and shiny stands.
I like old fashioned things.
White creamy teapots, cups and saucers with pretty flowers and silver rims.
Houses with untouched treasure filled attics.
Heavy victorian hair brushes with soft white bristles.
Cold brass beads that creak when you sit.
I like girly fragrances in pretty glass bottles.
Fragrances that tickle my nose and make me smile.
Spray and watch the little dots of smell fall into my clothes.
I like smooth liquidy lotion.
Drawing happy faces on my thigh and making it cry as i drag my finger through one eye.
I like beautiful photos of smiles, ribs, hips and spines.
Girls with flowers in their hair, flowers lit up by the sun, dainty open-back dresses, and cute little strawberry jewelry.
I lilke watching fish glide through water.
Seewt, uncaring and blistfully pecking at plants.
Hiding under rocks and sleeping in cups, fins swaying with the motion of the water.
I like soft, cute, adorable lizards.
Living together in a hole in my tree.
Hiding from day and eating at night.
Licking their glowing golden eyes.
I like sparklers for New years or late night romance.
Drawing stars in the night sky and writing my loves name on the cool asphalt.
I like everything.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Because You Must, Because Its Happiness, Because you Have Control

I restrict because I must.
Restrict because I want to be thin.
Restrict because I have control.
I eat 50 because I must.
Binge 400 because I'm weak.
Binge 600 because I have no control.
I purge 300 because I must.
Purge 500 because I'm scared.
Purge 700 because I want to feel beautiful.
Purge 800 because I'm growing by the second.
My eyes see fat.
Creases and folds;
Worms under my skin;
Wiggling and growing.
Oil leaking out of my pores;
My eyes are broken.
They say I'm gorgeous.
Say I'm thin.
Say not to worry.
I cannot see the nonsense they see.
I watch them cook.
Watch the grease bubble and splatter.
Smell the fat hanging in the air.
I watch them eat.
Stuffing their faces;
Calories dripping down their chin.
I feel anxiety;
Fear.
Fear that seeing makes me gain.
Anxiety that smelling coats my esophagus.
My stomach cramps.
My stomach hurts.
It is empty because I am strong;
I'm happy I'm empty.
Happy I am on my way to the ultimate.
My body is weak and shaky.
Vision blurrs and blackens as I stand.
I dont know how to stop.
Do not want to stop.
I dream of being caught.
Dream of being stopped.
Dream of binging.
Dream of purging.
Dream of walking dead.
I eat a cracker to make it through the day.
Drink water to hide growls of the monster inside.
I hide behind my shirts and pants.
Count, multiply and divide.
The numbers that lead to the ultimate goal;
The beauty bones that are so pure;
The concave stomach;
The rib ladders and jutting hips.
I wont stop until I'm there.
Wont ever be full until the 80.
When the scale says bones are most my weight.
When I reach the pure happy thinness of beauty in my broken eyes.
Then,
Then will my eyes be fixed.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

spiders and a thoughtful greasy cheese burger

holy fuck i absolutely hate Hate HATE spiders! daddy long legs or real ones i despise them, they should all be dead!!! DEAD!!! xxx was cooking 460 calories on the grill and the stupid daddy long leg came crawling up by the food!!! i really didnt feel like eating after that! bugs really deter my appetite! ug, i gess i have to start my kick assing tomorrow, i had tomake myself eat half that greasy hamburger cuz xxx made it special for me O.o he thought i didnt like it cuz i didnt finish it : / why do so many special things, surprises, and dates revolve around oil, fat and grease food? i wanted to purge SO bad so i did as soon as he went downstairs ^//^ i dont think i can get away from purging -__- i do it almost everyday! especially since i dont really have any control over my dinner meals, my guilt plays too much with me, i can never throw it away or say ill eat something else or say my tummy hurts cuz its a lie :P ill definitely have to work on that! i should feel guilty about lying, but its the only way for me to be happy in the end...

Thin And Bones

I wish to see bones.
White, thin and beautiful.
The backbone of perfection;
Fall into the cage of beauty;
Wear a thin collar of satisfaction around my neck;
Dig up the bones surrounded by sand-colored jello-y mush.
I want bones.
Light and pure.
Ah, to feel the bumps as i slide my fingertips over my ribs.
To feel the vertebrae under my gentle grazing fingers.
What surrounds them is a disgrace.
I will melt the shame off my body.
I will be beautiful.
I will be thin.
I will be perfect.

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 11:35a
1 serving onion rings: 138cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 yokan: 170cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1/2 peanut butter Moon Pie: 85cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 nikuman: 310cal 2:35p (purge 2:40p)
10 babdy carrots: 20cal 10:00p
1 tsp california dressing: 16cal 10:00p
1/2 cheese burger: 230cal 11:00p (purge 11:15p)

7cal under
991cal eaten
933-10%= 839.7cal purged
151.3cal net total

Monday, May 31, 2010

an old poem i wrote july of last year =)

im starting to get the hang of ignoring my tummy growling again ^__^ its an awesome feeling to finally have control back! plus with the help of all those new recipes ive made i think ill be on track and good to go soon as i get to go grocery shopping! :D

1/4c shrimp chips: 26cal 1:00p
1 slice Little Ceasar's cheese pizza: 200cal 6:50p (purge 7:00p)
1/2 slice Little Ceasar's pepperoni pizza: 230cal 6:50p (purge 7:00p)

544under
446cal eaten
430-10%= 387cal purged
59cal net total ^__^






The Girl In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror,
I see a girl that stares back at me.
At first glance she appears happy and delightful,
Not a care in the world.
But if I look closer,
I catch a glimpse of a deeper person.
I gaze deeper at the sight before me...
I see a sparkle in her eyes,
But it is a tear about to fall.
Her eyes reflect the pain in her life,
They are pleading for an escape.
There is a smile on her face,
But I soon find it is a mask.
Her voice is soft and sweet.
But if I listen harder,
It shakes with fear and uncertainty.
What I mistook for a beautiful, white summer dress,
Has turned to torn rags filled with dirt and debris.
When I first looked into that mirror,
I saw what seemed to be a flowering vine which surrounded her,
Entangled in her delicate limbs.
But as I stared longer,
I saw they are chains.
They wrap so tight around her.
Digging into her pale white skin,
She can barely breathe,
She is gasping for air.
The wonderful fragrance I thought was the flowers,
Became the stench of blood and wound.
Flowing from her like crimson tears,
Streaming down her tiny figure;
She is fading.
Her wounds become scars
Damaging her for life,
Visible to those she trusts,
And those she doesn't.
She realizes I see her true self,
Now she looks at me.
She stares with a gaze so intense,
Almost hypnotic,
Begging for freedom.
I stand in a place she should be able to touch.
A place she yearns for,
Freedom.
Her hand reaches out toward me,
Toward this place she longs for so deeply,
The cold, heartless surface of the mirror is what she feels instead.
She pounds the glass, but it will not break,
She claws at the chains but they never ease their grasp.
I place my warm hand to the ice cold mirror.
My heart aches to see her caged, torn soul.
I must help her before she wilts away to nothing.
But how will I give my aid?
I can do nothing.
I am weak.
This mirror stands in my way,
Should I shatter it?
If I do so,
Will a stray shard pierce her fragile heart;
Giving her yet another scar?
Or even death?