<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?
k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."
all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!
