acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

im not bulimic and i dont need to be scared into not purging

i went downstairs for something, i cant remember what, but i saw franklin and just had to go play for a bit ^__^ well, boyfriends mom was down there fixing and cleaning things
"now's check in time."
i knew what that meant and i was a litto happy she remembered and cared enough to see how im doing. but then came the rest of it...
i sat on the carpet, her on the couch.
"hows the eating going?"
"its ok."
"'ok'? what does that mean?" it seemed like she instantly thought that meant i purged or something, which i havent done since i had started ABC.
".....i dont like it." i smile, not because im happy, but because its what i do when im uncomfortable or awkward.
"why?"
"its disgusting.." she cut me off though so i dont think she heard that.
"i dont trust you and ill tell you bluntly, i will lock the doors to the bathroom if i have to...do i have to?"
i shook my head "no, i dont do that." im not bulimic, i only purge when i need to. i dont have anything against bulimics, its just i hate how when a person hears that you voluntarily throw up, they think "bulimic", and when your skinny and say your not hungry they tease that your anorexic.
"i told you about my stomach surgery but i didnt tell the whole story, they took my stomach out. it ruptured out my back and it was the most painful thing i have ever gone through. i wanted them to kill me."
she told me how she saw her dad through the window because they wouldnt let him in and she started screaming to him to kill her because she was in so much pain.
boyfriend came downstairs about now as she proceeded to tell me im "not fat", i "will never be fat", i "dont have an ounce of fat on [me] and never will." and told me again that she will lock all the doors if she must, including the front and back doors. hell, lock the ice box and all the cabinet doors too please. ha, i wish!
i didnt say much of anything, just nervous awkward smiles and nods. she said
"i promised your mom id look after you. your like a daughter to me...you just met the love of your life..."
i giggled cuz she made a face and rolled her eyes. she doesnt like the mushy crap.
"ya id laugh too!.....[boyfriend] has a job now, he can buy you things. what more could you want?" im not exactly sure if she asked what more i could want or asked me arent i happy or something else haha i cant remember. i want to be thin and be ok with what i see.

all that wasnt so bad, just extremely awkward because she doesnt strike me as a conversationalist. well, she is, just not for me or people like me. with me, people dont understand that i dont talk, i cant talk, its not my nature. they tend to poke and prod, dig and ask, ask and re-ask and basically beg, all while not realizing that im not a talker unless i know you. and i dont know anybody well enough beside my mom sometimes (rarely and if we talk, its not as deep) and boyfriend; he doesnt have to push very hard before i speak because i feel comfortable with him and i trust him. i think people would like to think they know me well enough for me to feel free to tell them anything. more often than not, it offends them or makes them feel left out that i dont say things and that they have to push so hard only to get a mere glimpse.

the part about our "check in" that sucked was being told im not fat and never will be. its not all about being fat or skinny; thats part of it, but not all of it. its the part that seems to be homed in on. for some reason they forget about the control, disgust and self hate. that we dont only avoid eating huge calories because we dont wat to gain, but because its disgusting, its weakness and its against the rules.
then the worst part,
"i want to see you gain 5lbs in the next week."
i nearly burst into tears! i could have flooded the room had i needed to speak! im glad she accepted my body gestures and didnt require my voice. i didnt nod -because im not going to do it!- i just smiled awkwardly and put my head down into my knees in hopes to gain focus and avoid tears. i just wanted out of there. im glad the pillow she had drying on the chair blocked boyfriends view of my face. she told me not to give her the guilt look which i didnt mean to but i gess she could see that i was upset. she told me to always find the bright side of things and i do. i try to.

the bright side of recovery is that i still have my boyfriend, i wont get headaches nearly as much and i wont be weak and tired all the time. but...in my head i cant get over the fact that im fat and always will be and im now stuck this way, i have to eat horrible large calories daily and i feel like ive given in to food. i will get better in the physical sense: a "healthy" weight and no symptoms, but i will never be mentally healthy/happy.

as i said, im not gaining those 5lbs. i dont care, im not doing it. i dont have to gain weight to be healthy. before she knew of my eating habits she, nor anybody else, thought i needed 5lbs. i looked fine. but when she finds out, suddenly i look too skinny. even though she hasnt had the opportunity to see my weight loss like boyfriend has and even though ive gained enough to be chubby again, i look too skinny? i look like i need 5lbs? i dont have to gain weight, and im not gaining weight. if i gain weight i wont be able to even keep ana at a whisper much less make her disappear like im trying to! so no, im not gaining weight, ive gained enough and its already making me sick and disgusted. i cried again last night with boyfriend next to me, i hate doing that because i feel stupid crying because im fat, but its just so disgusting...

i hate, absolutely HATE my intake today!!! *sigh* im trying so hard to accept it. it hurts so much. when i feel im about to break down and cry, i do crunches or squats until i cant anymore. sometimes when im done i cant help feeling my tummy for any change. of course there never is and it makes me want to cry again. even if i had just done a ton of crunches, it does something to me when i still feel all the fat, it gives me a sort of energy boost to do a ton more because i dont want to cry and i dont want to feel the fat. i have to select a day out of the week when i can eat those 300+ cal meals because i cant take this, it isnt me. i try to ignore the urge to add up the cals during the day but i couldnt today. i added it up and saw how high it was so i skipped the last snack of the day. i think im going to take out one snack or meal from now on.

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat, blueberry tea: 100cal 3:30p
snack- blueberry muffin flavor Jello- brand pudding: 110cal 5:30p
meal- 1 nikuman: 310cal 8:30p
snack- blueberry muffin flavor Jell-o brand pudding: 110cal 10:00p
meal- 1 Healthy Choice sweet sour chicken: 380cal 2:00a

1010cal total :/

the time has come for this cage to fill with the noises of laughter and love it has never known

boyfriend found my blog. changed my name and picture to the real me and changed my password as well. we fought; i cried, he hurt. i have not been recognizing just how much of a bitch i have been. ive lied, ive cheated, ive decieved and most of all i dragged my own boyrfiend, whom i love with all my heart, through the mud. ive mostly talked about how he forced me to eat this and made me eat that and several other mean things. but ive only said a few good things like that day he carried me to bed because i fell asleep watching the movie or our kiss in the rain. why did i do that? why didnt i say more about how sweet he is and loved he makes me feel? why did i portray him to be such a dick? did he seem like a dick to you when you read my blogs? i would like to say that he really isnt horrible in the least. i love him so much with all my heart. i did take out my frustrations about food out on him in my blogs and i know/knew it isnt his fault. i merely just needed a place to exhale my frustrations so i could continue inhaling the love i feel for him. to all of you that have gotten rude comments from me, i am sorry. i hurt my boyfriend terribly and we have had an extremely rough week. alot of crying, frustrastion, anger, harsh words, and a relationship almost ended; but we are going to be ok. at first he didnt want anything more to do with me, but after we had a long talk and i poured my soul to him in tears, he began to understand a little more that i need help. i need someone to help me, to love me, to be there for me and he realized that he still wanted to be that someone. he told me that out of hurt and anger he said some things, as me, on some of your blogs and i am incredibly sorry to all of you who were hurt by it! please do not feel anger toward him because it was my fault. i kept this from him for far too long and caused this bomb to go off. it ticked and ticked until its final tick caused our feelings to murge and explode. therefore in lack of understanding, hurt feelings, anger, fear of losing me to ana and probably a million other things, he attacked what he could, you girls. he has apologized for it, but really, i should be doing the apologizing to you. i also apologized a thousand times to him and i still feel like saying sorry every second, everytime i think of the whole bloddy ordeal!

he had originally told me that he wouldnt trust me until i was 105 again and that he wanted me to be 115 again. he was still full of emotions at the time and after we both calmed down, i asked him about 100 because 105 and even more so, 115 would torture me to no end! we agreed on 101. but a couple nights ago i cried quietly, laying naked next to him in bed. i felt so ashamed of my body. i felt self conscious to be naked in front of him and i didnt want my body touching him; i felt disgusting because when i laid on my side like i normally do, i could see and feel my stomach. it is much bigger now and kinda hangs low toward the bed...uggg its so gross i have to atart exercising again!!! i know ive gained at least 1.5lbs.................after that night he told me i could stay the weight i am, i dont have to gain! YAY! i am SO fucking relieved!!! but i promised i wouldnt lose anymore, so i cant lose., but i dont have to gain; fuck thats all i want right now! if i have to recover, ill take maintaining over gaining any day! :D i know i wont be happy with my body and i know this is going to be a long process, so fucking long! but i have to do this! i love him and i dont want to live without him! i will get a psychiatrist, when i am able, to help make the way i see myself and to make the way i view food as a weakness normal...well mostly normal because if ive never seen myself the way others do since before i can remember, i dont think there is any way i will ever fully be happy with myself and still not think of food as weakness sometimes. ive been ana/mia for 6-7yrs and ednos for 4yrs prior, this is going to be hard. im at a stage right now where all i want to do is eat because ive deleloped the taste for food again and mia mindset has gone off again. but minus the purging because i promised i wouldnt and im not opening that door and risking losing my second chance! right now all i want to do is eat and eat and eat and the control for that is barely hanging on! im teetering over the binge pole. i eat like a normal person right now not because im "all better" (i wish it was that fast), but because mia's desire for the taste of food is back and theres only one little rope tying me to control that keeps me from cooking/baking/heating/poring/stirring/glopping/fixing/cutting/preparing all the food in the house and sitting at the table and eating until my tummy bursts open. i just got out of that! i used to go downstairs up to 3x a night when mia had me and eat 3 peanut butter/jelly sandwiches, a danish, ice cream, turkey cheese rolls, jello, carrots, cereal with marshmellows, peanut butter with chocolate sauce, peanut butter with marshmellows, marshmellows with chocolate sauce, kit kats, milky ways, whoppers, ice cream sandwiches and im SO not kidding you! i ate all of that in one night once! O.O fuck that was gross! but its partially because of mia and partially because ive started the emotional eating thing i used to do earlier in life that im teetering on this binge pole. i have to learn how to find a healthy NORMAL balance with food and i just dont have it! like i said before, i either eat to little or eat to much! either starve or binge. i will figure this out!

please dont stop following! i love you guys so much! i have nothing but grattitude and appriciation that i found this community and all you lovelies in it! this is still my blog and im still going to post on it =) just, now, my goal is no longer losing.......its maintaining. not only my weight, but my relationship.......wow...its really hard to say that my goal is no longer losing because thats been my goal my entire life: to get skinnier and skinnier, ive never known myself to be content with my weight...when i said my goal is no longer losing, ana countered that immidiately with "fuck 'its not'! yes it is!" and i had to fix it and tell myself it is...but love comes first before an unreal happiness. sacrifice is one of the ways you prove your love =) but i am still here to support all of you recovery or not <3 and im still alice ^__^ ive grown quite fond of that name. you can choose to call me kiyomi, kii or alice, up to you. since its out, my real name is brandi but quite frankly, i hate it! so i go by my middle name, kiyomi and kii is my nickname. also, since you've all seen my real picture and know who i really am, ive put up a better real pic of my for my profile :P

facebook me! =) but let me know who you are (if you want and your names not the same) cuz i kinda get quite a bit of requests:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1460550616

my days away from blogger and my new helpful reminder

June 17

1 stalk celery: 6cal 4:45p
1tsp dressing: 16cal 4:45p
1/2 hot dog: 100cal 10:48p
1/2 hot dog bun: 60cal 10:48p
mustard: 0cal 10:48p
1/4c sorbet: 60cal 12:55a
3 Triscuit: 60cal 12:55a
3/4 slice cheese: 15cal 12:55a

683cal under
317cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 18

we were having anniversary sex foreplay and when he went to go make sure the door was locked, he stopped and looked at me while i was laying there and said
"wow, your diaphram bone looks nice."
"diaphram bone??"
"ya your..." he started motioning on his body then switched to drawing it in the air while pointing at me.
"oh...my ribs?"
"ya, the ones on the bottom are really defined...they accentuate your breasts. they look good."
"oh, haha thanks!" casual smile like its no big deal. but really im super happy and jumping up and down on the inside! he noticed and he likes it! :D

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 5:10p
1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 9:15p
chew/spit 1 baked potato w/mozzarella and cinnamon butter 11:00p
chew/spit 1 1/2 baby carrots w/ 1 1/2tsp Alouette brie 11:00p
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 5:00a

916cal under
84cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 19

coincidentally xxx's mom took me with her to kmart and talked to me on the way there and the way home. she told me that everyone is worried about him. she asked me if i knew what she was talking about and i told her i did. she wanted me to say it but i just told her i didnt want to and played it as if i was uncomfortable because of my past, which it partcially is. i didnt know if she knew he sniffed it or not, good thing i didnt say it, she doesnt know. she just knows that he takes more than he should and its hurting him. she told me i need to talk to him. she said she knows, his brother knows and her ex knows but he thinks nobody knows and if i talked to him about it, he'd stop because he doesnt want to lose me...i hope she's right.

on the bright side i drew this on my hand so that i see it when i reach for food thats too high in calories or when i start thinking too much about food. i just told xxx its my favorite number ^__^ the ribbon "tied" around my finger is of course to remember. so the hidden message behind this hand is "remember, 80lbs. is your goal" =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 19 day 1 2468 (partial fail)

early this morning i talked to xxx about his pills. i didnt get to ask him to cut down. i just told him im worried about him and he insists that theres nothing to worry about. later that night he got bad again with his sleepy episode. it comes and goes; in one episode he has brief moments of 15-30min where he seems normal, like my boyfriend again. during an in between moment last night he said he's kinda scared because he doesnt know why he gets like that and he thinks something is wrong with him. he asked me if i think he should see a doctor! he really doesnt know that the vicodin is whats making him act like this. i asked him a little later,
"you really dont know why you get like this??"
"no...do you?"
"ya..."
"what?"
".................its the vicodin."
"no, its not."
"yes it is."
"but ive been doing it for years babe."
"yes i know but the more you add on the more enhanced the problems become."
"no..."
"yes, the sleepiness, the itching, the insomnia, not being able to pee..."
he fell asleep by then. i knew i shouldnt have talked to him yet but i needed to get it out. he doesnt even remember :(

1 Keebler Zesta cracker: 12cal 4:22p
1/3 spaghetti: 170cal 9:00p
less than 1 slice garlic bread: 18cal 9:oop
binge 2/3 spaghetti 430cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)
4 slices garlic bread: 200cal 9:15p (purge 9:20p)

170cal under
830cal eaten
630-10%= 567cal purge
263cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

day 2 2468 June 20 (success!)

he's a little better today, the moments where he's my boyfriend again was most of the day so thats good. he seems to be coming out of it. since i know he'll remember, i had another talk with him and got up the courage to ask him to cut down.

"just half a pill? please?"

"......."

"you dont have to do it fast. you can take a year...or more..if you have to."

"..." small cute smile.

"you dont have to stop, i just want you back to the normal dosage..."

"....."

"half a pill?..."

"....."

"you can even cut down a fourth pill!" cute smile to let him know im not mad and theres nothing to be ashamed about.

"..." small smile and teenie laugh "they dont come in fourth pills babe..."

"haha i know that! but you can cut it...cut down a half pill every month, or every other month, until your back to normal...please? for me?"

"ohhhh..." roll over on the bed facing away from me.

".....how many pills do you take every day?"

"...depends..."

"............on the average?..."

"....."

"10?" i know its at least 7 because i counted 7 in there when i checked and it was gone the very next time i went to the bathroom.

".......its harrrd..."

"love i know its hard, but..."

"uggg..." he rolls over and sits on the edge of the bed.

"i thought you said i could talk to you about this kinda stuff?"

".....i thought i could but i cant..." he gets up and goes to the window and lights a cigarette. "i know you think its the vicodin, but its not. ive been taking it for years, theres no high anymore and ya i get itchy from it sometimes but it doesnt affect my pee or my sleepy or anything else..."

"well then what is it?" i get up and go to him. "i dont see you as my dad, i never have and you dont have to worry about that."

"well you might."

"i wont."

"you dont know that...you might if you knew."

"what do you mean?..."

"......."

"ok, we can stop and talk more later."

he goes to throw his cigarette but in the trash.

"...are you hiding something from me??"

"kinda.....maybe ill write it to you..."

"ok..."

im scared and worried for what it is but he knows what will make me leave and i dont think its much worse than vicodin addiction/overdose. as long as he doesnt hit me, yell at me, throw things at me or near me in anger, cheat on me, drink or do drugs, im fine. i realize vicodin addiction/overdose is, in fact, doing drugs in a legalized manor. but i love him and as long as he can show me that he's trying to help himself with it, ill be ok.

last week he asked me

"if i had bad or severe glaucoma or cancer and they prescribed marrijuna, what would you do?"

"...im sorry love, but id have to say bye..."

"really??"

"yaaa..."

"wowww."

"i told you and you know i have very little tolerence for it."

i still have that drawing on my hand, ive been re-doing it when the shower water/soap makes it come off. it helps alot =)

2 bites chocolate ice cream: 15cal 7:13a
3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 4:50p
1 hot dog: 240cal 9:10p
few pieces of potato with a little cheese: 35cal 11:40p

600cal under
400cal eaten

serious talk and should i post a current self-pic?

Alina Krasina (Russian model)

i talked to xxx last night. i told him i miss home and that im worried about us, about what we're going to do because neither of us are happy living in the other one's home. i told him im not that sad and its not that big a deal but ive just been thinking (kind of a lie but i dont want to cause anything). he apologized that im sad and i told him its ok. he didnt really say much except that he doesnt know what to do, and i dont either. he said itll take at least $5,000 for us to move back to where im from and he doesnt want to live with my mom. ha, i agree on that one! i dont need the constant nagging and watching and nervous fear of being found out by people who questioned me before and who know my "i-used-to-throw-up-after-i-ate-a-long-time-ago-just-to-lose-that-extra-weight-but-i-stopped" lie. not to mention my little brother is quite hard to be around 24/7, im all ready tired all day everyday i dont need that to change to being exhausted and grouchy everyday. and the thing i dont understand about him is that no matter what my secrets are, he happens to find them out whether through snooping and prying or by accident or just by sensing it, hell find it out! he's one scary intuitive kid! O.o but anyway, back to what i was talking about before i off-railed into how it would be living at home again; i told xxx no matter what happens, even if i have to be sad, im not leaving him. i wanted to reassure him that im not considering that option, because its just not an option for me. im not going to lose another person in my life that i love and care for deeply, its just not happening again and thats all there is to it! he said he wont have that, me being sad for him. but i told him that it doesnt matter. we kinda ended the conversation silently and fell asleep.


it started raining and thundering this morning and there were young girls outside in their bathing suits playing in the rain =) i love to do that!...except for the fact that i get so self conscious about how fat i look :P but i love playing in the rain! i used to tell xxx about playing in the rain with my brother so today he felt bad for me. i was watching the girls play, non-creepy like :P but just thinking about how fun it is and he came behind me and apologized. i asked for what and he said because its just one more thing to make me miss home. i turned around, slid into the chair i was kneeling on and told him "im not sad. the sadness comes every-so-often but im not sad right now. im fine. i miss home but theres some times when i miss it more than others and those are the times i get sad." he didnt say anything. probably because he didnt know what to say.

im sooo tired and dizzy today, i almost fell down when i stood up after purging O.o i mostly dazed my way back to the room. xxx isnt home right now, he took his mom to the hospital. he doesnt think she has very long to live. i feel really bad saying this but i dont think it will affect me very much though i will feel sad for xxx :(

ive been thinking if i should put up a pic of my current self...but im self-conscious. i feel kiiinda ok since ive got some tiny progress but ug, im still not happy with me and i wont be till i reach my ugw =) then, THEN ill be happy! :D

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 3:23p
1c honey dew melon: 60cal 6:00p
binge 1 Kellogg's strawberry bar: 90cal 9:40p (purge 9:45p)
binge turkey sandwich: 225cal 9:40p (purge 9:45p)

601cal under
399cal eaten
315-10%= 283.5cal purge
115.5cal net total

tons of emotions and progress at the end of the day in the from dryer shrunk panties =)

☑2 zestas asap after i get up: 24cal
☐1 celery and a tsp brie: 51cal
☐10 baby carrots: 20cal w/1 tsp dressing: 16cal
☐1/4c orange sorbet (only if i can follow the previous food assignments because the sorbet is a reward): 30cal
☑whatever i have to eat for dinner if i cant get out of it
☑141cal partial total + dinner = lower than 300cal

woke up, changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and showered (i didnt get to shower last night, ug gross!) then i ate my 2 zestas as planned.

my brother texts me and tells me "grandma said that if they dont let you do things then let it go and if they need help shoot for it." im reading that and im thinking what the hell?! why the fuck does my grandma know about that?! i told my mom (mistake) about how im treated here, that im not allowed to do certain things because ill "kill myself", "break my neck", "its dangerous" etc, etc, etc and now im finding out my grandma knows about this?! i gess i cant tell my mom anything. unless i specifically say "dont. tell. grandma...or anyone else." now im wondering if my grandma knows about what happened the other day. so what, am i gonna get another text saying "grandma said you need to stop being stupid and hurting yourself when you screw up and make people mad cuz hating yourself is stupid." why do people love gossip so dam much?! is there no one i can confide in beside my boyfriend? i mean, its not that i dont appreciate him but theres certain things i cant tell him and it would be really nice to have at least 2 friends (xxx being one of them) to tell things to without worrying its gonna get out somehow.

that reminds me, yesterday me and xxx were having a casual conversation and he told me the next time i punch and bruise my leg like that, im gonna be in big trouble. i asked why and he told me because i was "being a baby" and "having a tantrum", i did it "cuz i got a littttle mad at you" -__- (it wasnt a littttle mad, he was mad and frustrated) he said hell be mad the next time i do it. i told him thats not why i did it. he asked why, i told him it was because i was mad at me and i hated me for screwing up so i punished myself. he still said i was being a baby. i said "parents slap kids when they screw up, its the same thing."
he said "parents slap 'babies'."

"and kids and teens..."

"both of which, you arent..." (good point, but still)

".....youre just saying that to make me feel dum so i dont do it again..."

"baby..."

and that was the end of that. i didnt say this, but i get so angry at myself and hate myself sometimes and i almost uncontrollably/desperately need to hurt myself and make myself have a big ugly shameful bruise or cut so i think harder and screw up less. and the pain from doing it helps me clear my mind and makes me calm again. its not so bad now though. ive weined myself off of cutting, because i was forced to it hurt him to see it, by making bruises or sticking needles in my arms/wrists so now theres no lasting marks. i used to tell him i wish he understood but hell swear he does because he used to cut his arms, which, in my mind, brings me back to my last point, he's just saying all those things because he doesnt want me to do it. but it would be nice to feel understood instead of criticized and be called a baby. my feelings were hurt but i didnt let it show. i know he cares about me. i wanted to tell him "at least im not cutting anymore. at least a bruise isnt permanent. would you rather i go back to cutting? it feels alot more satisfying for me and i can clear my mind better. you already took away the thing that helped me the most, cant you just accept that im trying?!" but i couldnt say that. those are words of anger linked to blurred thoughts of hurt. it wasnt the time or place for it and we were just having a casual convo. i didnt want to turn it into something.

on the way home from the market he told me he took me there cuz he knew i was sad. i told him i miss home and ive been a little off lately. that i feel on edge to be perfect. and since i screwed up once and made him mad, it puts me on edge even more so and makes me nervous and causes me to try focus my brain 1000x more on not screwing up. then my mind stresses on that one thing so much so that i become distant and my mind gets blank and forgetful and i screw up even more. theres just so much pressure for me to be as perfect as i can and not screw up that when i do screw up, it takes me a while for my mind to fix. he didnt say anything so i dont know how he feels or what he thinks about it or am i just being a baby to him.

skipped everything and headed to dinner. i found out dinner is hot dogs which are 330cal each.

i cant take it i hate it here!!! i miss my home, i miss the kindness (and the meanness because i know how to handle it with people im familiar with), i miss the food, i miss looking out and seeing the ocean, i miss riding in the car and smelling the beach, i miss the warmth, i miss my dog, i miss my family, i miss the manners, i miss the respect for the house, i miss the cleanness, i miss the daily rituals, i just miss it all!
sometimes i find myself feeling so desperate for all the things im used to that i just wanna stay in bed all day and cry. sometimes when we're driving and i look around i get so desperate to see the open land, the trees im used to, and most of all the flat, open, blue ocean, that i feel like im gonna have a panic attack. those are the times i look away from the world. i focus on my breathing, the sounds of the car, the warmth of the sun, anything to keep me from losing it.
i almost lost it today in the car. i felt a tear drip down my face. i was thinking about how xxx said he could never live the rest of his life on oahu (my home), how he said he felt claustrophobic while we were there because you can drive around my island in 3hrs or so. i thought about how i realized i could never be happy or call any place home besides my home. how ill never feel comfortable anywhere else. i felt so sad thinking of what we're gonna do. hes not happy there, im not happy here...whats gonna happen? did i make another screw up choice by coming here? no because i love him, i came here to meet him and to be with him, that is no mistake...but i came here to meet him and be with him, not to live my life here...theres no way i can do that. then i got panicky because i remembered how he said that he cant move away from here until his mom dies (she's sick), and a few days ago he said he thinks shell live for a couple years more at least. i started feeling desperate because i CANT be here for that much longer!!! i cant!!! i dont know, i have to talk to him soon, i have to. im just scared. im not used to telling people about things that hurt me inside... today is crap!

i ate a bite of hot dog, gave the rest to the dog, xxx came back i said i didnt like it. was excused to eat ramen instead.

ive been cleaning, organizing, shifting, hanging, sorting today =) our new room is coming together quite well! i took a step into the right or wrong direction depending on how you look at it, i have a box to live partially out of now instead of just my suitcase ^__^ it kinda sucks cuz that makes it feel even more like im living here but its good cuz its such a headache to always have to go the the suitcase every morning and get out my clothes! we dont have a dresser so he has his clothes in a pair of laundry basketts and now i have my box under the shelf like a drawer. id put them on top the shelf but it looks weird since its only one shelf about a foot above the floor and about 5 1/2 ft long. and i put up some posters =) im going to make a folder in my flash drive for art photos, thinspo and what not to go in my "alice corner" :D xxx said i could take the corner of the room and make a collage of art and pictures and stuf on the wall! so awesome! im excited!

ate some sorbet. its sooo hot and it has much lower cal numbers than ice cream, so thats my treat for staying under 300 today =)

i just did some more cleaning and found a handful of panties i had bought from charlotte russe, which is my favorite store by the way =) but the day i bought them i went home and washed them and they shrank -__- so i never got to wear them...welll GESS WHAT?!!! they fucking fit now!!! im so happy! ive been worried im not losing any weight because i dont have a scale right now :/ but this tells me im at least doing ok with it =) its been kinda stressing me out that i dont know what my weight is so ive been extra freaked out and purging and killing myself over more than 200cal for any meal. im not gonna let this tell me i can slack cuz theres no way i can, im still a fat ass but a tiny fraction not so much. im gessitmating im around 103, 104lbs now ^//^ i wont dare say 100! :P but yay! i get to end the day with some good news finally!

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal

1 bite hot dog: 40.5cal 10:30p

1/4 ramen w/sesame oil: 37.5cal 10:35p

7 baby carrots: 14cal 10:40p

1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 1:15a

824cal under

176cal eaten