im SO excited! help me pick one girls? please pretty please?

man i want my legs to be like that! i need to walk my ass off and find good thigh exercises! suggestions anyone? ill love you forever!
wow! ive 50 little bleuet followers now! thanks so much everyone! i never imagined even 10 of you would read my blog and here i see theres 50 of you! :D

check out this awesome strobe! it gives you shroom vision! its fucking cool XD Lily at Just Like The Movies had it on her last blog. (i dunno if you can tell but the different color words are links XD for some reason it doesnt really pop to let you know "im a link!")

i have 10 days to get myself in shape and melt off the fat i have gained from all the binges and unhealthy eating in the past weeks. if i remain at 800, no matter if i am a "sedentary couch potato" or not, i should be back to 95lbs by 16th of next month. i just wish i was able to go back to 100cal just until im back at 95 so i dont have to feel disgusted with myself at the pool gathering on the 26th :P im gessing i weigh about 98-100 i dont know, so im going with 100. ug! i wish i did know! but if i am 100lbs, i should lose at least 2lbs before next week =) but since im in the "moderately active 3-5 times per week" category, i should drop 3lbs by then yay!

last night boyfriend said he'd bring me home a hoagie that he'd make at the café (450) i was fine with that, i planned my meals/snacks around it. but then he texted me on yahoo while was at work today (my phone is fucked up so we communicate through yahoo SMS) saying that he was also bringing home deep friend candy bars! im so glad he told me while he wasnt here. i would have felt so bad to freak out in front of him, he loves to cook and loves to cook for me, share his cooking. i knew the cals for a tiny deep fried candy is through the roof! plus the hoagie and the cream of wheat i had already eaten for breakfast. i started tearing and hyperventilating O.O i never did that before regarding food! i mean ive freaked out mentally but never physically and now i know even more so why it sucks! i went immediately to do crunches to stop the tearing before it turns to crying! exercise always calms me down when i feel gross about my fat or when im freaking out about calories and grease. then i realized, talk to him. so i texted him and told him,
"i change my mind about the hoggy then since yu bring home the candy =) ill eat hoggy next time"
"Why, the Canny is mine I bought it last week"
"ehehe juss cuz im weird, yu know :P hoggy tomorrow =) "
"You gonna need dinner half hogy an a baby sneakers ?" he calls them sneakers ^__^
i calculated it and i can deal with that, "okay ^_^ "
"Yay good girl :-) "
haha he's so fucking cute!

the suckie thing is when he got home i was so hungry from not eating till then. i was trying to accommodate all the cals for it into my day :P i ended up eating 3 quarters of the hoagie, about ⅘ of all the fries, the deep fried snickers AND a bite of deep fried white chocolate reese's! O.o then i went immediately to exercise. i must say though, that was one of the best tasting 1000cal binges ive ever fucking had! well, beside my fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches :P ok, i start officially tomorrow, no more of that.

!!!THE EXCITED PART!!!

im just so excited that i HAVE to tell some one and it surely isnt going to be him! :D boyfriends birthday is a litto less than a month away! ive the BEST surprise in mind for him! im rather terrible at buying gifts, even for the people i love. i can never seem to know them well enough to know what they would want or have enough money to afford what i know the would like :P so i went with the one thing that cant fail on a birthday: a birthday cake baked special for him with love from his girlfriend ^__^ ok, i realize it can fail if i dont bake it properly, but ive a recipe. mixing ingredients, baking till the time given and frosting/decorating a cake isnt really rocket science and its not like ive not done it before. so i "hypothesize" that this is going to be rather good! XD its going to be either a chocolate cake with peanut butter chips mixed into the batter or a peanut butter cake with choc chips in the batter. it will have either the chocolate-peanut butter frosting between layers or just melted peanut butter mixed with whipped cream, ive not decided that either. the frosting will be choco-PB or peanut butter frosting depending on which cake i choose, i want the frosting and cake to contrast. im going to decorate it with reese's pieces, mini peanut butter cups in dollops of whipped cream and his name in white or orange tulip brand tubed icing depending on which frosting i choose. i know it sounds a bit rich but thats how he likes it and i intend to make his mouth water and enjoy EVERY bite! ^__^ AH im SO excited to make this for him!! i want it to be completely perfect!!! :D what do you think?!

heres what im thinking it will look like if i use choco-PB icing. im not sure i want to write "Love" or his name, considering his mom will be with us hehe awkward maybe since we dont really display love around her but i do want it to be special. i may just go for "Love" anyway. the white circles with litto brown dotts in them are the whipped cream dollops with mini reese's cups in the middle of each:

and heres what it will look like if i use peanut butter frosting instead. which one sounds and looks best in your opinion? of course the writing will be nicer XD its hard to write with the laptop mousepad!

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 3:15p
snack- about 5 crackers: 60cal
meal- ¾ hoagie, french fries = ~1½ McDonald size large fries, 1 deep fried fun size snickers, ½ deep fried white chocolate Reese's: 1672.5cal

1842.5cal total

this fucking amount is enough for me to have eaten for 3 days. THREE days! so i expect because of this, my eating 700 will not matter for the next three days. i will probably only have a chance at losing maybe 1lb before sunday :P nevertheless im going to work hard until then! =)

i want a new dress, should i put the butterfly in my teeth?

boyfriends leg was hurting quite bad last night. its gotten worse over time. it started out as just a tender feeling to the touch, then it progressed into numbness and now it gives him sharp pains as if his leg is being stabbed with a knife. he went to the doctor and they said its a pinched nerve and that it may never go away! O.O it was so bad and i felt so bad for him. i massaged it and tried to channel my love and thoughts of making it feel better. i made my hands warm and firmly touched/massaged his leg with my palm while taking deeep slooow breaths. in through my nose...and out through my mouth. i closed my eyes and pictured all my feelings of love, of hope, and of goodness, and my thoughts of his leg being pain-free. i pictured it all churning inside me as a glowing healing liquid pumping out of my heart and through my veins with every breath; flowing into my arms, out of my hands and into his leg. im sad to say it didnt work fully :( he remained in pain. it was a nice thought and good try though. sounded like it would've worked didnt it? he said it helped a litto but the pain was still very bad.

i was getting ready to go for a walk and i tucked in my shirt like i always do. well gess what...i have a pooch again! i never got rid of it but now its really there! it hangs over my shorts like a fucking fanny pack! :( im back where i started. i got scared if my but got bigger too cuz thats one thing ive always hated. so i took the pencil test. i fucking fail. my ass is fat again...i swear if i got on a scale it would say im 107 again...thats where i started when i first moved in november last year! i was doing good when i first got here, half a personal frozen pizza a day-364cal (not that pizza is a good choice). i kinda let myself go after that. started eating the whole pizza. my stomach got stretched out causing me to get hungry more often and more to make me full. i let myself go until i realized i was 107lbs of fat. ending april i started looking for por-ana/mia and support sites but never found any that hadnt been deserted for a year or shut down. in may i found you girls and started blogging. got back on track with the support of my bleuets ^__^ thankyu so much for that! just knowing that people are there for me and understand what im going through because they are going though it too, it just makes you feel less alone =) it took me that whole time to get back to 95! im happy to say i reached 93, the smallest ive ever been! YAY!!! ^__^

pstt, hang in there, one more paragraph to go and then the good part.
at 93 i was so close to my goal, closest ive ever been to managing a smile when i look at myself and truly meaning it. meaning a smile at my body; not my hair or my clothes, i could smile at my body, and thats big for me...for all of us. i was actually able to start feeling i deserved that smile because it takes alot of control and discipline to come all that way. i started wearing half shirts and taking pictures of myself because well, i got vain XD i was proud of my work. i was almost grasping my dream, my fingertips were in its ora, i could feel the happiness on my fingertips...but it vanished! and now its pretty far...ive let myself go again.

i cant go back to 93 but 95 is my lowest healthy weight and im so fixing this. im going back there! time to get the self-pity fat that ive gained, off my body. ive lost everything i started to like about my body and i want it back! yes im in recovery but i dont have to lose control and let myself go so much as i have. ive been wallowing in self-pity about losing my dream and enough is enough! recovery ≠ losing control, ≠ excuse to be weak, ≠ excuse to binge, ≠ gaining horrid amounts of unhealthy weight! i started years ago at 135lbs and i refuse to go back there or even take steps in that direction any longer! this is the back-on-track confident me who is taking recovery by its horns and telling it AND ana what to do! not the other way around! nothing should control me, not ana not mia not recovery. i got into this because i wanted control, i lost it and im taking it back.

*deep breath and dramatic exhale* ok! now that i got that out of my system i feel all refreshed and confident and i am SO ready for the week! :D starting back my exercise routine, adding more to it and no more binging! one more binge before my mom sends me money and i will not allow myself to buy the clothes i need from the thrift shop ^__^ which i want and need so badly!
so! i went completely off track XD getting back to my walk today: i ACTUALLY walked for a whole complete hour today!!! oh, make that 58.5min cuz i RAN for a minute and a half! OH. MY. GOSH! O.O ahhh im so proud of myself! its so refreshing! =) haha a minute half isnt much but im so not a runner and havent ran in like a year so thats pretty cool for me haha. (ya i know, your wondering about my header picture now "'jogging on the path to perfection'?" haha it will be true again very soon!) while i was passing the pool, 5 girls between the ages of 7 and maybe 13 stopped me to look at my dog.
"its so tall! is it yours?"
"ya." i smile.
"look at its legs!"
"so skiiinny!"
"aww cute!"
and the last girl: "is it your helper seeing dog??" no honey, do i look blind? see my glasses? means i can see...i admit maybe not that well, and i do hold true to the contradicting phrase 'blind as a bat' but i can see haha that one made me laugh.
"how old is it?...he...she..."
i laugh a little "she and oh gosh i dunno. 5, 6 maybe?"
i start to walk again cuz i dont really wanna stay and chat too long. im on a mission of a healthy body! XD
they say bye to gripen and then bye to me.
i start walking and say "baibai!" as i turn.
i hear that one girl mimic the way i say bye. was i too happy about it? dont think she liked me much and after her mimic im thinking her question about gripen being my guide dog wasnt an accident but its ok, theyre litto and im in an awesome mood!

oh! before i finish this blog, i found the top half of a yellow and black butterfly's right wing and on the way home a maimed white butterfly flew in front of me and landed a few feet away. every time i got too close it flew further ahead until finally landing on the fence next to me and i walked past it. i saw it had a hole in its left wing...should i be worried?? butterflies are a symbol of luck, love and good fortune...wonder what that means my fortune is O.o haha i tried looking up about finding a butterfly wing but not the butterfly, or an injured butterfly. couldnt find anything accept that they bring luck and good fortune which i already knew. i did find this saying "If a woman wants a new dress, she must catch a butterfly of the same colour and hold it in her teeth while chanting a magik spell."

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 4:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal- 2c left over mac and cheese, ice cream sandwich: 730cal 11:05p
snack- 1 ice cream sandwich: 150cal 12:30a
snack- bag popcorn: 240cal 2:00a

1308cal total :P im completely over *breathe* yes im upset, *breathe* VERY...upset *breathe* but it will be ok. *breathe* im counting that as my final goodbye to weakness. starting tomorrow is a newer, better old me hahahahaha*breeeeeathe!*

i hope im soon surrounded by the smell of coffee, cool air and a focused atmosphere

thats a thinspo drawing i did a while ago

what'dya think? ^__^

i kinda screwed up today but i had no choice really. he insisted i get something so i went for reduced fat, of course. *sigh* still 320cal O.o but im still under and im not eating anything else today! i still have control =)

i filled out an app for starbucks. im excited and i really hope it turns out for me! its about time something does, i need a job and a little good luck, turn-around, pick-me-up, right about now ^__^ i spent all day yesterday doing research and looking up any tips on working there. got my hopes up a little too high so im trying to lower them cuz chances are i wont get the job. i have a bad habit for hope-upping and then when it doesnt turn out i get disappointed like a little pathetic baby -__- i so need to stop that haha! i was hoping for a job at the library so i could walk to work and burn some calories, but they arent hiring :P

actually! i have a little bit to be excited about! i started up exercising again a few weeks ago and im finally getting better at it! :D i can last longer without breaks. i had stopped exercising for about 3 months O.o i know, bad girl! bad!

well im relieved i was informed tonight that i have to wake up early tomorrow for...IHop -__- ug! im happy though cuz i have time to look up what im having. probably an omelet or something i dunno, ill figure it out!

5 baby carrots: 6cal 1:30p
vinegar: 0cal 1:30p
1 Honey Maid graham cracker: 30cal 1:30p
3 peach wedges: 22.5cal 4:50p
1 baby carrot: 2cal 4:50p
1 Starbucks reduced fat very berry coffee cake: 320cal 5:20p (purge 5:50)

119.5cal eaten
380.5cal eaten
320-2/3= 214.4cal purged
166.1cal net total