saddening feelings of a far away girl

i have not been well....or...well technically i have...but...you know, i cannot say. i dont even know if i am or am not. i cannot feel...or i can feel but, just not the way...just not the right...fuck it, i dont know! is that good or is that bad, not to feel? i mean i DO feel feelings but its not...ug i cant even speak anymore! fuck sake i dont know what i feel.

...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?

oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.





EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!

the time has come for this cage to fill with the noises of laughter and love it has never known

boyfriend found my blog. changed my name and picture to the real me and changed my password as well. we fought; i cried, he hurt. i have not been recognizing just how much of a bitch i have been. ive lied, ive cheated, ive decieved and most of all i dragged my own boyrfiend, whom i love with all my heart, through the mud. ive mostly talked about how he forced me to eat this and made me eat that and several other mean things. but ive only said a few good things like that day he carried me to bed because i fell asleep watching the movie or our kiss in the rain. why did i do that? why didnt i say more about how sweet he is and loved he makes me feel? why did i portray him to be such a dick? did he seem like a dick to you when you read my blogs? i would like to say that he really isnt horrible in the least. i love him so much with all my heart. i did take out my frustrations about food out on him in my blogs and i know/knew it isnt his fault. i merely just needed a place to exhale my frustrations so i could continue inhaling the love i feel for him. to all of you that have gotten rude comments from me, i am sorry. i hurt my boyfriend terribly and we have had an extremely rough week. alot of crying, frustrastion, anger, harsh words, and a relationship almost ended; but we are going to be ok. at first he didnt want anything more to do with me, but after we had a long talk and i poured my soul to him in tears, he began to understand a little more that i need help. i need someone to help me, to love me, to be there for me and he realized that he still wanted to be that someone. he told me that out of hurt and anger he said some things, as me, on some of your blogs and i am incredibly sorry to all of you who were hurt by it! please do not feel anger toward him because it was my fault. i kept this from him for far too long and caused this bomb to go off. it ticked and ticked until its final tick caused our feelings to murge and explode. therefore in lack of understanding, hurt feelings, anger, fear of losing me to ana and probably a million other things, he attacked what he could, you girls. he has apologized for it, but really, i should be doing the apologizing to you. i also apologized a thousand times to him and i still feel like saying sorry every second, everytime i think of the whole bloddy ordeal!

he had originally told me that he wouldnt trust me until i was 105 again and that he wanted me to be 115 again. he was still full of emotions at the time and after we both calmed down, i asked him about 100 because 105 and even more so, 115 would torture me to no end! we agreed on 101. but a couple nights ago i cried quietly, laying naked next to him in bed. i felt so ashamed of my body. i felt self conscious to be naked in front of him and i didnt want my body touching him; i felt disgusting because when i laid on my side like i normally do, i could see and feel my stomach. it is much bigger now and kinda hangs low toward the bed...uggg its so gross i have to atart exercising again!!! i know ive gained at least 1.5lbs.................after that night he told me i could stay the weight i am, i dont have to gain! YAY! i am SO fucking relieved!!! but i promised i wouldnt lose anymore, so i cant lose., but i dont have to gain; fuck thats all i want right now! if i have to recover, ill take maintaining over gaining any day! :D i know i wont be happy with my body and i know this is going to be a long process, so fucking long! but i have to do this! i love him and i dont want to live without him! i will get a psychiatrist, when i am able, to help make the way i see myself and to make the way i view food as a weakness normal...well mostly normal because if ive never seen myself the way others do since before i can remember, i dont think there is any way i will ever fully be happy with myself and still not think of food as weakness sometimes. ive been ana/mia for 6-7yrs and ednos for 4yrs prior, this is going to be hard. im at a stage right now where all i want to do is eat because ive deleloped the taste for food again and mia mindset has gone off again. but minus the purging because i promised i wouldnt and im not opening that door and risking losing my second chance! right now all i want to do is eat and eat and eat and the control for that is barely hanging on! im teetering over the binge pole. i eat like a normal person right now not because im "all better" (i wish it was that fast), but because mia's desire for the taste of food is back and theres only one little rope tying me to control that keeps me from cooking/baking/heating/poring/stirring/glopping/fixing/cutting/preparing all the food in the house and sitting at the table and eating until my tummy bursts open. i just got out of that! i used to go downstairs up to 3x a night when mia had me and eat 3 peanut butter/jelly sandwiches, a danish, ice cream, turkey cheese rolls, jello, carrots, cereal with marshmellows, peanut butter with chocolate sauce, peanut butter with marshmellows, marshmellows with chocolate sauce, kit kats, milky ways, whoppers, ice cream sandwiches and im SO not kidding you! i ate all of that in one night once! O.O fuck that was gross! but its partially because of mia and partially because ive started the emotional eating thing i used to do earlier in life that im teetering on this binge pole. i have to learn how to find a healthy NORMAL balance with food and i just dont have it! like i said before, i either eat to little or eat to much! either starve or binge. i will figure this out!

please dont stop following! i love you guys so much! i have nothing but grattitude and appriciation that i found this community and all you lovelies in it! this is still my blog and im still going to post on it =) just, now, my goal is no longer losing.......its maintaining. not only my weight, but my relationship.......wow...its really hard to say that my goal is no longer losing because thats been my goal my entire life: to get skinnier and skinnier, ive never known myself to be content with my weight...when i said my goal is no longer losing, ana countered that immidiately with "fuck 'its not'! yes it is!" and i had to fix it and tell myself it is...but love comes first before an unreal happiness. sacrifice is one of the ways you prove your love =) but i am still here to support all of you recovery or not <3 and im still alice ^__^ ive grown quite fond of that name. you can choose to call me kiyomi, kii or alice, up to you. since its out, my real name is brandi but quite frankly, i hate it! so i go by my middle name, kiyomi and kii is my nickname. also, since you've all seen my real picture and know who i really am, ive put up a better real pic of my for my profile :P

facebook me! =) but let me know who you are (if you want and your names not the same) cuz i kinda get quite a bit of requests:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1460550616

ive been found out! fuck Fuck FUCK!!!

damit! i knew this fast was too good to be true. he fucking remembered about the dam soup!
"hey! so you gonna eat today??" standing, leaning against the wall, one hand on hip looking at me.
"i, i did eat...." i stutter and look down back at the computer, my mind racing for answers. (ya nice move. way to show confidence and prove your alright)
"when?"
"...i had carrots remember?" okayyy, is that all you can come up with? arent you forgetting to remind him also about 'eating' ice cream??
"carrots dont count...you cant survive on tea..."
i dont know what to say and im not brave enough to look at him. further confirming whats in his mind, good one alice.
"i know what your doing..."
my heart stops and then beats a thousand times a minute. i get up off the bed, put the laptop down and walk over to him being careful not to look him in the eyes because if he doesnt know and its something else, he'll know by my betraying eyes.
"...whaaat?" i say playfully dragging out my word. i give a smile that comes out as a nervous, im-hiding-something--and-i-cant-help-but-make-it-so-fucking-obvious-because-im-an-idiot-and-i-dont-know-how-to-hide-it smile. i lean my head on him with my hand on his back and look at the floor.
"your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat."
i move away because i cant take the intensity of his worried, this-needs-to-be-addressed ora. i grab my makeup bag that i had next to me on the bed and walk over to the closet to put it away; my mind racing, my heart beating, my hands sweating.
i give a nervous laugh "no im not."
the talk ends, i switch "hey i did bocha today!" (bocha is kids way of saying shower/take a bath. i was previously debating whether or not i did)
"i told you, you did."
"...ya but i feel so gross like i didnt..." code for, i just need some time to calm down and think of some kinda excuse or something. anything!
"well go take one."
"ok."
i spent a few minutes looking at my disgusting self in the mirror hearing it over and over "your trying to eat little, little, little because you think your fat..." "think your fat..." "think your fat..." i stare and squeeze all my fat and cry, totally not seeing how i look "not fat". then i hear a knock on the bathroom door.

i open it and peak out while hiding behind the door because his moms room is right accross our room.

"hey." he whispers.

"ya??"

"come."

"what?"

"look." he points in the room "its ok, go look."

so i go and i hear the tv show he's watching and i turn around and go back to the bathroom immediately. "you suck!" i laugh. he giggles and i shut the door. it was a show he knows i absolutely cant stand and he did it as a joke, but i bet he was checking if i was in there throwing up -__- its the second time in a row he's done that when i go to shower and since he said he knows what im doing, i have no doubt those are check ups if im purging...

in the shower i think of a thousand things to say, "i know you dont like my religion so i didnt tell you. its a religious fast. i cant eat anything but vegetables today." no thats too over the top, "its a proven fact that if you fast you will live longer, you will be at a lower risk for age-related illnesses like alzheimer's, it helps unclog arteries, and it removes toxins from the body!" ok he'd never go for that, he'll just say im making excuses, "ok...i thought you'd think it was stupid but you know the blog i have? well, im trying out all these healthy things for girls who want to know the results! neat huh?!" (hehe i had in mind to use that one and tell him "hopes for hipbones" was my blog)

none of them popped so i started thinking of ways to pretend to eat so i can at least get by tonight with a complete fast. but i know for a fact if i told him i ate without him seeing me eat he'd say "promise?" and i just cant. i cant do that. i cant lie to him like that. yes, i lied earlier today about the carrots, but i couldnt do it now. so, i came out of the shower with no ideas what so ever. my mind was all over the place and so preoccupied that i didnt even fucking shower right! i screwed up all over the place, did things before things that should have been done first and by the time id realize it, id have already done it. i cant stand that! but i couldnt start the shower all over agian, id already taken an hour and a half O.o i take hour long showers because of my rituals, i cant skip and i need to feel clean.

when i got out of the shower i made my milk tea and came back upstairs.
"this is the best tea ive ever made! it has..."
"did you make your soup??" completely ignoring my new tea invention.

talking fast trying to ignore it "no, but i put, um i put tea and water of course and i added sugar and some coffee creamer since we didnt have milk (as if id use milk anyway!) its pretty good you want some?!"
"nooo!"
"oh! and a tad of syrup. you know just to bring out the sweet flavor cuz sugar by itself in this kinda thing doesnt really taste so ya i added syrup. oh plus it gives it some color."

about 15min later he comes by me as im writing this blog and grabs my foot and massages it a little.
"i wanna go to the store."
"in the rain??" its storming outside.

in a kinda little kid whinny voice, but cute "i dunno. i want chooocolate."
i laugh "okay." i smile.
he walks over to the chairs at the foot of the bed, sits, begins playing PS3. in a serious voice "i want you to stay here and make your soup. and im gonna go to the store."
".....ok..."
"...well you dont have to stay here...but i want you to get something to eat."
".......but im not hungry."
no one talks for a little while.
"ok, ill be back"
"ok." i smile.
"you gonna eat??"
"im not huuungry." i smile trying to play it off.
"but you didnt eat all day!" he wasnt yelling, just emphasizing.
"i did eat! i had carrots and ice cream remember?"
"but thats not enough!"
"ill eat tomorrow! im fiiine." im NOT fucking eating today no matter the fuck what! im just fucking NOT! im not giving up on this fast and i know its technically tomorrow since its 1:50am but that wont ease my mind. if i eat now, i cant say that i completed a full day fast.

i know this isnt the end of it. swore for sure he was gonna be at the store with his hand reaching out for the chocolate bar he went for and he'll pull back and walk to the cookies or pies or pasta or sandwiches or whatever the fuck he thinks ill eat and hes gonna come home, put it in front of me and make me and watch me eat it. but he didnt.

"hey! forget something?"
he lifts up the hersheys bar.
"oh! that was fast!..what'd you speed?!" i laugh.
"wanna bite?"
"no thanks." i say innocently and smile.
"good cuz you wasnt gonna get one...you been bad girl today..."
"what?"
"you been bad..."
"whyyy?" i say playfully trying to make it like nothing.
"cuz you not eat." he speaks like a cute little kid/baby way again.

...fuck...he's going to be watching me now. im under the fucking microscope! FUCK!

what should i do? .....i dont know...

i innocently climbed up onto the counter so i could get a better view of my thighs in the mirror :P i just wanted to see if ive made any progress with them since ive never checked. happy to say i have a teenie tiny gap now :) but while i was up there i found my boyfriends pill crusher with 7 pills in the compartment and a pen modified for sniffing...i always knew he sniffed his pills...but...why is he hiding it? i mean...i know he'd probably hide it because of my flashbacks that i get about my dad. he's an alcoholic/drug addict. i dont really talk about him but he's caused me alot of pain and seeing things like this, random pills on the floor, beer, yelling and whatnot, they all give me flash backs and he knows that...i dunno maybe im just freaking out because of my past experience with my dad? anyway i did some sneaky research :/ i looked up the number on the pills: vicodin. i looked up the side effects for addiction starting usage as pain killer from surgery: "unable to urinate, puking. no sex drive." "itching, severe insomnia and anxiety. loss of memory after." everything checks out except that he doesnt throw up and his sex drive is ok i gess i dont know. he's the only guy ive ever fucked...he always says he doesnt do as much with me sexually as he would like to because he's getting "older" but he's only 34 so is that an excuse for low sex drive?? he also cant cum alot of times. he says its always been that way and that its there but sometimes he just cant...or does that mean im just not good enough?? :( am i too fat and ugly for him to be aroused enough to cum? he does it himself sometimes cuz we like to watch each other and sometimes he still cant even if he's doing it. maybe its because i am ugly. i mean, its me he's looking at so...ok, i went sooo off topic. this whole thing just has my mind going nuts! i shouldnt have got up on that fucking counter.

he goes through these times (a day or 2) where he'll get super sleepy, drowsy looking, eyes half open and slurred speech like he's stoned and he does the weirdest shit during the nights. like once he cleaned up the dogs vomit with cardboard but he threw it in the toilet. cardboard and all. and he dreams things while he's up and walking around. like he'll ask me why the frogs are dead when we have none or he'll make absolutely no sense at all saying stuff like "there are holes and chairs in the light" or whatever, like he's high and hallucinating. but when he's back to normal he doesnt remember anything, he can lose about 3 days sometimes. and just last night he went downstairs and didnt come back for 2hrs. i got lost in the movie i was watching and didnt notice. after the movie i went down there and he was sleeping draped over the couch and it looked like he was dead. id've freaked out if he wasnt snoring. when i woke him up he started coughing and gagging and spit out a bunch of tiny white beads and this yellow and green plastic looking thing. he said he had the worst taste in his mouth. i noticed the pill container on the table and checked inside. it was his moms ani-depressant pills. he didnt remember taking it and didnt understand why it was in his mouth, much less stuck in the back of his throat, and why he didnt swallow if he evedently intended to take it. im glad he didnt swallow it! it was his moms pills! i told him im watching him from now on! he could have choked and i wouldnt have even known! ive always passed it off as he's just over tired from his insomnia because he sometimes goes 3 days without sleep. i know for a fact he doesnt get high...i mean...he could while im sleeping but i dont smell it and im up at the times he becomes this way. he always says he doesnt know why he gets like that and ive told him to tell his doctor but he just tells me, "what am i gonna tell him? i get sleepy for no reason and do stupid shit and have to be babysat?" so i counted his pills and im going to keep track of them, how long he spends in the bathroom and if its related to his sleepy hallucinating episodes. i want him to be honest with me. ive known he crushes them, sniffs them, and that he's addicted to them. but i want to know if its the reason for these episodes and if he's lying to me telling me he doesnt know why he gets this way. he's never lied to me but im wondering if he's lying about this because he doesnt want me to want him to stop taking them...i dont know...what should i do? should i talk to him? or just let it go? am i thinking too much about this because of my past?...i dont know..but it hurts to think that he may be lying to me. he's the only person ive ever trusted so well and has never lied to me...am i blowing this up, being too dramatic?.......