saddening feelings of a far away girl

i have not been well....or...well technically i have...but...you know, i cannot say. i dont even know if i am or am not. i cannot feel...or i can feel but, just not the way...just not the right...fuck it, i dont know! is that good or is that bad, not to feel? i mean i DO feel feelings but its not...ug i cant even speak anymore! fuck sake i dont know what i feel.

...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?

oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.





EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!

ABC and ana, forever till i die

i got lazy yesterday and did post XD plus i actually got sleepy around 5am! yay! so i got a considerably better amount of sleep last night! :D i feel completely well rested and refreshed! i screwed up yesteday with a fucking milano cookie! if i hadnt eaten it i could have ate my cup spinach and been perfect for the day but i had to fuck up :( its ok though because im not letting it turn the b/p back on! im just going to continue with ABC and im not stopping till its done. ill probably just continue recycling the ABC for...well, the rest of my life. cuz lets face it, am i gonna be happy once i reach 75lbs? i say yes now, but a few yrs ago i wanted to be 100lbs and said id be happy. to my knowledge i am 94 (because the last time i weighed was july 4), 7lbs less than what i wanted and am i happy? no, i am not. but lets say i actually am happy when i reach my 75lb goal, will i be able to eat normally without feeling like a fat-disgusting-horrible-weak-foolish-idiot slash fat-ass-pig? no. will i be able to stretch my stomach 3x its size like the rest of the world without feeling the extremely big and undying ugre to purge it? or even 2x its size for that matter? no, i will not. i will still have the same feelings i do about food then, as i do now. no matter how thin i may become, i know it is just a ;ie to keep pretending "everything will be fine when i reach it. ill be normal when i reach it. ill be like everyone else..." i know its not real, in the back of my mind, stuffed in a dusty old box, purposefully forgotten in the corner, i know the reality of it...and yet i ignore it because i dont want to think of what that means. i dont want to know how that plays out. this is one of the only times i will admit that i know this, but it doesnt change anything...because i will be happy when i reach 75lbs...

wow...now ooon to the happy! XD im quite surprised how much of an itreset boyfriend is showing my new hobby! :D its nice to be supported so fully! i really do want to be a model or photographer and being on LOOKBOOK.nu is a good step because it puts me out there and gives me incentive to dress up and actually model and see what i can do. im not too pleased with what ive done so far but i know i just have to develop my style and poses/facial expressions more; get more creative. my first look i picked my outfit and boyfriend picked the stage, but i didnt expect that he would really get into it like he is! the very next day he already had my next look planned out XD turns out he's got a litto style himself! different looks and stages have been racing around my mind 24/7 haha i feel like a dork sometimes but if it gets me closer to my dreams, do you think i give a shit?! not one pooping bit! XD

i saw a couple of friends on a bike today. around 13yrs old or so. one was pedaling and the other was on the back of the bike standing on the trick pegs and holding onto her friends shoulders. i started to imagine all the things i wanted when i was younger. i used to imagine a boyfriend who would do things like that with me: give me a ride on his bycicle, let me sit on his lap and kiss him in the park, chase me around the beach, randomly pick me up and put me on his shoulders...you know, all the cheesey romantic young couple stuf =) sometimes i can get boyfriend to do it, like the night we kissed in the rain during a thunderstorm, or when we visited home and kissed in the water at the beach, and sometimes when he sits on the couch and i lay next to him and put my legs on him and he rubs them. but for the most part we're just: a couple. like, its gotten to where we just are. we peck kiss alot throughout the day and randomly say "i love you" and we do cute things once in a while, but not really...am i being dumb to want that kind of thing? i suppose i am a litto because he did tell me before that when he doesnt have a job he feels a little down and worthless :( he said that when he has a job i will see a big change in him and like him better, not that i dont like him now, thats just what he said. i gess i shouldnt think too hard about it because when i first got here he was a bit more on the romantic side than he is now. probably because it was the beginning so him being down about not having a job went away for a time...ahhh haha i feel cheesey wanting romance haha but this is my first relationship so is that so bad? ^//^ i got a litto today though! yay! after i ate stir fry and boyfriend ate his pizza we took a walk and held hands ^__^ i like things like that. and you know what? im gonna ditch labeling boyfriend "xxx" in my posts, it sounds dumb and i call him boyfriend anyway so im just gonna say boyfriend from now haha when my friend found out i call him that she thought it was weird XD "i love you boyfriend." "hey boyfriend!" "boyfriend look!" haha doesnt sound so weird to me XD he's "boyfriend" and im "girlfriend" haha

i drew a pic today! tell me what you think! i put the pic i copied next to the one i drew. im not completely happy with it cuz it doesnt look like her really, but im ok with it =) seeing it side by side i see now that i didnt draw her hair wide enough at the sides of her head :P

and once again i have to slow down blogging, grrr
"you always type type type, what are you typing??"
"im talking to the girls on my blog." niiice one alice!
"you have a blog??!"
"i told you i did!" i did.
"no you didnt...your keeping secrets..."
"no im not! its just a blog.." i am but, is having a blog your other half doesnt read a cause for concern? i gess it is huh?...
"secrets..."
sooo that sucks!

my intake yesterday was:
1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 4:38p
1/2c Kix: 44cal 7:49p
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 10:30p
1 Pepperidge Farms Milano double chocolate cookie: 70cal 11:40p

249cal total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my intake today is:
1/2 packet oatmeal: 65cal 5:00p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 8:40p

2/3c Kraft mac and cheese: 193cal 12:03
1 no-sugar/low-calorie Jell-o cup: 10cal

298cal total

how many pounds are you eating?

i fucked up again today. i restricted and did well during the day but the nights always get me. i started out with a blueberry yogurt cup as i had planned, then ate the 1/2 packet of oatmeal and then i binged and purged a peanut butter jelly sandwich, a piece of strawberry pie, a apple cinnamon roll, a cheese/turkey roll, a cereal bar and a bag of popcorn! i said i wasnt going to binge today because i cant waste my low cal foods, i only have 2 yogurts left. im running out and moneys low, i dont even have anymore tampons! :/ i was lucky my period slowed down and ended early cuz i had to get by on pany liners, close call. im glad i purged it all because me and xxx took a walk to the library so i was able to burn off whatever was left in my stomach that i couldnt get out.

when we left the house for the library i was already so tired after walking not even a ¼ of the way there! in the libraby i was able to recover a tiny bit but not even 10 sec. back outside and i was ready to drop. i kept telling myself "your almost there, dont fall, dont faint. breathe: in...and out...in...and out. just breathe. its almost over..." and then id look up and see how far we had left, it felt like miles! i almost fainted right in the driveway only 10 feet away from the door! O.o i got so nauseous and that fucking annoying thing that happens when everything goes blurry and turns black then refocuses kept happening! im so glad i didnt faint! thats the last thing i need! a ride to the hospital to be told im anemic, which i already know, and to be billed for it. to be billed for nothing, yet again...speaking of which, the hospital never called back about my blood test results, (no surprise there the fucking fat ass didnt even get what she was supposed to) and im not going to call to find out. the last thing i need is to be told im anemic, im underweight and to be given the eating disorder test and a full exam. hell fucking no! fuck that shit!

heres a helpful thinspo that i researched. i looked up how many calories equal to 1 pound. so from now on, when im binging, im going to do my best to keep track of the calories i eat so that maybe i can pull myself out of it because ill be seeing exactly how many pounds im gaining as i eat the shit i eat.

3500cal = 1lb
1750cal = ½lb
875cal = ¼lb
500cal = .142855lb
400cal = .114284lb
300cal = .085713lb
200cal = .057142lb
100cal = .028571lb
1cal = .00028571lb

we all know subs are sooo not healthy like commercials imply, i call false advertising!

i HATE food!!!!!!! ug i feel sooo bloated and disgusting! i purged my guts out a few minutes ago. my stomach hurts so bad! boyfriend woke me up from my nap and said
"lets go."
"where?"
"penn station for dinner. i can finally buy you something to eat."
"oh, ok!" pretending to be excited.
he goes to the bathroom and i immediately jump outta bed and search for the lowest cal sub they have. i didnt really have time to really search for the lowest cal one so i just picked the lowest one i could spot on the first page. it was either chicken salad or turkey dagwood. i went with chicken salad and now i have a stamp on my head that says IDIOT and a FAT ASS one on my stomach to match! duh! chicken salad will have mayo! turkey dagwood i can tell them no mayo :P well, on the way there i told myself, "its ok. itll be ok. you can handle this. its just one time...or any time im caught in a food trap like this...i hope theres not too many before july 30! ill be fine. ill just eat it all so theres no temptation later, i will not binge afterward! ill try my best to avoid food tomorrow and ill be back on it!" well, that thought process didnt work. i felt guilty as fuck and i had to, had to, had to purge! i looked in the mirror and im fatter than i was :( i told myself i wasnt going to complain but. fuck i was doing so good!.......ok! im stopping now! right now! i sound so pathetic! i need to just forget it, and continue doing well tomorrow. it so hard to let it go! but i have to stop it! ok, im stopping it! my thought process is kicking in now...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 1:50p
1/2c peaches: 50cal 4:10p
1 small 7in Penn Station chicken salad sub: 568cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)
Penn Station french fries: 271cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)

359cal over :'(
895cal eaten
839-10%= 755.1cal purge
139.9cal net total

im a failure yet again :(

i HATE myself!!! im so depressed :( i was doing so good today but when dinner came i was hungry and i thought what the heck ill binge and purge...well i binged and i couldnt hardly throw up anything! >: my body wouldnt let me for some reason, its fucked up!! i tried and tried and tried...nothing. my throat hurts :( i did a ton of crunches to make up for it but it doesnt ease my mind cuz i know crunches arent for burning cals, theyre for toning my tummy...FUCK! i hate myself so much! right when i think, oh! im starting to get better control of myself...BOOM! it all fucks up and ive fell into a greasy, fat, blubbery, sick, disgusting ditch :( whats wrong with me?! why cant i do anything right on my own? why does someone always have to hold my hand?? im an adult now! i should be able to do things on my own right?! well thanks mom, thanks dad, thanks to everyone else who have told me "your too young" "ill take care of it" "ill write the letter for you" "you dont have enough expirience" "youll get hurt" "its too dangerous" THANK! YOU! you've successfully held my hand and done things for me all my life that i cant do things on my own!!! tell me, what have "I" accomplished huh? what have "I" done? what is mine to claim? what do i have to be proud of?! NOTHING THATS WHAT?! >: im a failure, a baby, a person who is always scared, a person who is always unsure of myself, a person who always needs to be told if what im doing is ok or right............i hate me......................

i dont even want to log what ive eaten today but i have to :(

1 1/1 Slices of toast: 90cal 2:52p
1 1/2tsp Strawberry jelly: 7.5cal 2:52p
1 Red delicious apple, no skin: 80cal 6:17p
1/4c Shrimp chips: 26cal 8:03p
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 220cal10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Swiss cheese turkey wrap: 163cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Mini Milky Way candy bar: 190cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Chicken pita bread sandwich: 310cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Hostess Cinnamon Streusel Cake: 170cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)


256.5cal over :'''(
1256.5cal eaten

i want to cry :'( i hate myself im so fat! im so gross i cant stop looking at my fat thighs and stomach its so gross. it takes three, THREE, hands to wrap around my thighs! :'''( and my stomach has a crease in the middle when i sit its so gross! its embarrassing to put this on the internet (even though i have no blogger followers) but maybe embarrassing myself about how disgusting i am will make me think twice the next time i think about doing what i did today. i better remember, the next time i tell myself "what the hell, i can always purge", i might not be able to purge and then ill be fat and gross for one more day longer. how the fuck do i have a boyfriend??!! what does he see?? he always says that im beautiful and to stop worrying, but i just dont see it. whats so beautiful about me??? i hate me!!!

"i dont look in the mirror, i dont like what i see staring back at me, everything is clearer, ill never see what you see...i was born so beautiful, but now im ugly...i know im nothing, i know theres nothing i can say...im good enough but i dont care, im good enough but im not there..."