fast.......fucking COMPLETED!!!

gess what girls! gess fucking what!! I FUCKING DID IT!!! i feel so excited and happy, i really did suprise myself yesterday! despite xxx wanting me to eat i didnt! i didnt give in, i stayed strong and did it for the sake of my body and proving to myself that i can, in fact, be a stronger person! thank you helesaurus , embre and Laura for your advice, ill definately use it! im such a nervous person and ive never been in this situation before where ive been found out by someone and not because i ratted my own self out :P i had ratted myself out to my mom once when i was 15 thinking she knew i was purging and i was watched like a hawk! but it was somewhat easy since she and my brother were at work/school 7hrs of the day.

i thought i was going to have no choice but to swallow a cracker because my fucking UTI came back last night (figures right) and i lost the pills that make the pain go away9another figures) so i couldnt drink anything to keep my stomach growling from being heard and i knew if he heard it he'd probably say "thats it! babe, eat!" so whenever i went to the bathroom i drank a little water. i took a couple benadryl which luckily for me knocked me out before my stomach growled too loud.

i really really dont want to eat today either! ive gotten a taste of what i can do and i want more! its the best thing ive ever tasted (or not hahaha) in my life! i want to fast for a week or more, i really do! unfortunately thats not a good idea :( i have think about how im going to do this because im still, no matter what, still not passing my 500cal limit! at eat as little as i can to keep him happy, carrots, celery, corn, green beans, peaches, soup if i must. haha ive stayed kinda strong about that low-fat ice cream i bought thats been in the freezer for quite some time. its not even 1/8th eaten haha!

f/v day success! and a romantic happy ending ^__^

i made it! i stayed strong, kept control and ate fruits and veggies today =) tonights dinner was spaghetti. he asked if wanted some and i said no. he asked why and i confidently said "cuz i dont want spaghetti. ill just make a sandwich later." and smiled. but i never made the sandwich ^__^ instead i had a few baby carrots and a stalk of celery. okay so i didnt have to eat so much, i shouldve went either/or and my cal numbers arent very different from any other day but ill get better. im still pretty proud of myself! ^__^ i didnt eat not one greasy piece of meat or one tiny nibble of sugar. wooo, im psyched for tomorrow! im feeling a little more confident because i made it through the day, so here is the current me :P i still have a loong way to go and i feel self conscious about that second one so please dont tease or judge. and i had to block out my camera on that one :P i have stickers and stuff on there that can screw me. id rather not be found by accident somehow...im happy about today! im going to stick to it! im especially happy that i can see my ribs and spine a tiny bit now! and my collar bone is much better than it was! :D i noticed while i was trying to get a good pic of me. i cant wait till my ribs and spine become more prominent! alice in thinland here i come!! =)

and to top it all off with a cherry (not whipped cream!), today had a wonderful faerie tail-ish ending to make me even happier! we had an awesome thunderstorm! the sky was so beautiful! boyfriend called me and his mom to watch at the door. we decided to go outside and watch because there was so much lightning. i took some videos and got some lightning streaks. it started to rain so his mom went in and i put the camera away so it wouldnt get wet. me and my boyfriend stood in the rain for a while just holding each other, watching and appreciating the beauty of nature. and to make it even more wonderful he gave me my first kiss in the rain while lighting flashed above us. :D oh im so happy today! i got my first rain kiss with the bonus of electric lighting up the sky, and rain washing me clean; making me a new girl who is in control of what she eats! im not going to give up this feeling! i want it forever. i always want to be in control and stay strong against food. i hope i can keep this going and ill try my fucking hardest!

1 banana: 105cal 5:10p
6 1/2 baby carrots: 13cal 10:55p
1 stalk celery: 6cal 10:55p
1tsp brie: 45cal 10:55p

831cal under
169cal eaten

ive been a good girl! :D todays a sorbet day!

YAY! i was a good girl today :D i stayed in control and didnt let anything get to me. i started my day with honeydew melon and nothing until the party. we had a party to go to at xxx's brother's house for the ufc fights. (they have ufc parties/gatherings like how people go to their friends house and watch football.) when we got there, his brother had food on a table, fruit, desserts, chips and whatnot, and he had the grill going. i just barely got out of the car and already i was bombarded with having to think about food :P his brother asked,
"what'd you want?"
"what'd you got?"
"we got cheesy dogs, hot dogs, ribs, hamburgers, cheese burgers, what?"
i thought a bunch of things in a few seconds,
uh, whats the best choice? can i say im not hungry? no, that'd be rude and antisocial-ish and i might embarrass xxx. ok, what should i choose? hot dog...no hamburger, less grease.
"um, hamburger."
"cheese? ketchup? mustard? mayo? pickles? how you wanna do this? alright, you wanna just take care, uh, get it on your own?" (he was in overdrive hype mode as you can tell.)
"ya. thats good."
"ok, how you want it? thick or thin?"
"thin."
"alright."
xxx had to cook it cuz his brother ended up having to take care of the kids. he asked if i wanted barbecue sauce and i stayed strong and said no. after i got my hamburger, we went to the food table so he could get his ketchup and stuf and i needed a knife. i cut it into 4. he was surprised that i didnt want anything on it, now that i think of it mustard is calorie free, i should have put some for taste, but it tasted fine plain. i grabbed 2 doritos :P and told myself bad! bad! bad! hehe...but i still ate it :P i only finished a fourth of the hamburger and the 2 doritos, that was enough to fill me so i didnt need or want anything else.
we hung out the rest of the time. it was kinda boring but not horrible. i felt so self conscious when we first got there cuz i hate meeting and being around so many new people. i sometimes get that panicky feeling like i want to run away and hide, im such a dork :P watched the ufc fights about 45min after we ate. i dont really care much for watching ufc. there were so many spiders! twice one almost crawled on my foot while we were watching! O.o
a storm started coming in and xxx had to go help someone get their car tire out of a muddy hole so they could leave. i waited in the garage where all the food was. i know, it was a bad move to be left alone with food but i wanted to test myself and i passed! :D yay! now lets keep this control and not let it go!
there were so many people, kids, smells, bugs, and spiders. as soon as we got home i took a shower! i felt so gross i needed to get to stench of smoke and food and hot dogs and hamburgers, and the dirtiness from the kids, the carpet, the people, the chairs and the gross crawling feeling of bugs and spiders off me! i feel so much better now! except that my throat is sooo swollen! it hurts bad! im glad i kept control today cuz theres no way i could purge and i need that sorbet!

1c honeydew melon: 60cal 4:00p
1/4 plain hamburger: 71cal 8:30p
2 Doritos: 25cal 8:30p
1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 3:20a

814cal under
186cal eaten

tons of emotions and progress at the end of the day in the from dryer shrunk panties =)

☑2 zestas asap after i get up: 24cal
☐1 celery and a tsp brie: 51cal
☐10 baby carrots: 20cal w/1 tsp dressing: 16cal
☐1/4c orange sorbet (only if i can follow the previous food assignments because the sorbet is a reward): 30cal
☑whatever i have to eat for dinner if i cant get out of it
☑141cal partial total + dinner = lower than 300cal

woke up, changed my clothes, brushed my teeth and showered (i didnt get to shower last night, ug gross!) then i ate my 2 zestas as planned.

my brother texts me and tells me "grandma said that if they dont let you do things then let it go and if they need help shoot for it." im reading that and im thinking what the hell?! why the fuck does my grandma know about that?! i told my mom (mistake) about how im treated here, that im not allowed to do certain things because ill "kill myself", "break my neck", "its dangerous" etc, etc, etc and now im finding out my grandma knows about this?! i gess i cant tell my mom anything. unless i specifically say "dont. tell. grandma...or anyone else." now im wondering if my grandma knows about what happened the other day. so what, am i gonna get another text saying "grandma said you need to stop being stupid and hurting yourself when you screw up and make people mad cuz hating yourself is stupid." why do people love gossip so dam much?! is there no one i can confide in beside my boyfriend? i mean, its not that i dont appreciate him but theres certain things i cant tell him and it would be really nice to have at least 2 friends (xxx being one of them) to tell things to without worrying its gonna get out somehow.

that reminds me, yesterday me and xxx were having a casual conversation and he told me the next time i punch and bruise my leg like that, im gonna be in big trouble. i asked why and he told me because i was "being a baby" and "having a tantrum", i did it "cuz i got a littttle mad at you" -__- (it wasnt a littttle mad, he was mad and frustrated) he said hell be mad the next time i do it. i told him thats not why i did it. he asked why, i told him it was because i was mad at me and i hated me for screwing up so i punished myself. he still said i was being a baby. i said "parents slap kids when they screw up, its the same thing."
he said "parents slap 'babies'."

"and kids and teens..."

"both of which, you arent..." (good point, but still)

".....youre just saying that to make me feel dum so i dont do it again..."

"baby..."

and that was the end of that. i didnt say this, but i get so angry at myself and hate myself sometimes and i almost uncontrollably/desperately need to hurt myself and make myself have a big ugly shameful bruise or cut so i think harder and screw up less. and the pain from doing it helps me clear my mind and makes me calm again. its not so bad now though. ive weined myself off of cutting, because i was forced to it hurt him to see it, by making bruises or sticking needles in my arms/wrists so now theres no lasting marks. i used to tell him i wish he understood but hell swear he does because he used to cut his arms, which, in my mind, brings me back to my last point, he's just saying all those things because he doesnt want me to do it. but it would be nice to feel understood instead of criticized and be called a baby. my feelings were hurt but i didnt let it show. i know he cares about me. i wanted to tell him "at least im not cutting anymore. at least a bruise isnt permanent. would you rather i go back to cutting? it feels alot more satisfying for me and i can clear my mind better. you already took away the thing that helped me the most, cant you just accept that im trying?!" but i couldnt say that. those are words of anger linked to blurred thoughts of hurt. it wasnt the time or place for it and we were just having a casual convo. i didnt want to turn it into something.

on the way home from the market he told me he took me there cuz he knew i was sad. i told him i miss home and ive been a little off lately. that i feel on edge to be perfect. and since i screwed up once and made him mad, it puts me on edge even more so and makes me nervous and causes me to try focus my brain 1000x more on not screwing up. then my mind stresses on that one thing so much so that i become distant and my mind gets blank and forgetful and i screw up even more. theres just so much pressure for me to be as perfect as i can and not screw up that when i do screw up, it takes me a while for my mind to fix. he didnt say anything so i dont know how he feels or what he thinks about it or am i just being a baby to him.

skipped everything and headed to dinner. i found out dinner is hot dogs which are 330cal each.

i cant take it i hate it here!!! i miss my home, i miss the kindness (and the meanness because i know how to handle it with people im familiar with), i miss the food, i miss looking out and seeing the ocean, i miss riding in the car and smelling the beach, i miss the warmth, i miss my dog, i miss my family, i miss the manners, i miss the respect for the house, i miss the cleanness, i miss the daily rituals, i just miss it all!
sometimes i find myself feeling so desperate for all the things im used to that i just wanna stay in bed all day and cry. sometimes when we're driving and i look around i get so desperate to see the open land, the trees im used to, and most of all the flat, open, blue ocean, that i feel like im gonna have a panic attack. those are the times i look away from the world. i focus on my breathing, the sounds of the car, the warmth of the sun, anything to keep me from losing it.
i almost lost it today in the car. i felt a tear drip down my face. i was thinking about how xxx said he could never live the rest of his life on oahu (my home), how he said he felt claustrophobic while we were there because you can drive around my island in 3hrs or so. i thought about how i realized i could never be happy or call any place home besides my home. how ill never feel comfortable anywhere else. i felt so sad thinking of what we're gonna do. hes not happy there, im not happy here...whats gonna happen? did i make another screw up choice by coming here? no because i love him, i came here to meet him and to be with him, that is no mistake...but i came here to meet him and be with him, not to live my life here...theres no way i can do that. then i got panicky because i remembered how he said that he cant move away from here until his mom dies (she's sick), and a few days ago he said he thinks shell live for a couple years more at least. i started feeling desperate because i CANT be here for that much longer!!! i cant!!! i dont know, i have to talk to him soon, i have to. im just scared. im not used to telling people about things that hurt me inside... today is crap!

i ate a bite of hot dog, gave the rest to the dog, xxx came back i said i didnt like it. was excused to eat ramen instead.

ive been cleaning, organizing, shifting, hanging, sorting today =) our new room is coming together quite well! i took a step into the right or wrong direction depending on how you look at it, i have a box to live partially out of now instead of just my suitcase ^__^ it kinda sucks cuz that makes it feel even more like im living here but its good cuz its such a headache to always have to go the the suitcase every morning and get out my clothes! we dont have a dresser so he has his clothes in a pair of laundry basketts and now i have my box under the shelf like a drawer. id put them on top the shelf but it looks weird since its only one shelf about a foot above the floor and about 5 1/2 ft long. and i put up some posters =) im going to make a folder in my flash drive for art photos, thinspo and what not to go in my "alice corner" :D xxx said i could take the corner of the room and make a collage of art and pictures and stuf on the wall! so awesome! im excited!

ate some sorbet. its sooo hot and it has much lower cal numbers than ice cream, so thats my treat for staying under 300 today =)

i just did some more cleaning and found a handful of panties i had bought from charlotte russe, which is my favorite store by the way =) but the day i bought them i went home and washed them and they shrank -__- so i never got to wear them...welll GESS WHAT?!!! they fucking fit now!!! im so happy! ive been worried im not losing any weight because i dont have a scale right now :/ but this tells me im at least doing ok with it =) its been kinda stressing me out that i dont know what my weight is so ive been extra freaked out and purging and killing myself over more than 200cal for any meal. im not gonna let this tell me i can slack cuz theres no way i can, im still a fat ass but a tiny fraction not so much. im gessitmating im around 103, 104lbs now ^//^ i wont dare say 100! :P but yay! i get to end the day with some good news finally!

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal

1 bite hot dog: 40.5cal 10:30p

1/4 ramen w/sesame oil: 37.5cal 10:35p

7 baby carrots: 14cal 10:40p

1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 1:15a

824cal under

176cal eaten