how many pounds are you eating?

i fucked up again today. i restricted and did well during the day but the nights always get me. i started out with a blueberry yogurt cup as i had planned, then ate the 1/2 packet of oatmeal and then i binged and purged a peanut butter jelly sandwich, a piece of strawberry pie, a apple cinnamon roll, a cheese/turkey roll, a cereal bar and a bag of popcorn! i said i wasnt going to binge today because i cant waste my low cal foods, i only have 2 yogurts left. im running out and moneys low, i dont even have anymore tampons! :/ i was lucky my period slowed down and ended early cuz i had to get by on pany liners, close call. im glad i purged it all because me and xxx took a walk to the library so i was able to burn off whatever was left in my stomach that i couldnt get out.

when we left the house for the library i was already so tired after walking not even a ¼ of the way there! in the libraby i was able to recover a tiny bit but not even 10 sec. back outside and i was ready to drop. i kept telling myself "your almost there, dont fall, dont faint. breathe: in...and out...in...and out. just breathe. its almost over..." and then id look up and see how far we had left, it felt like miles! i almost fainted right in the driveway only 10 feet away from the door! O.o i got so nauseous and that fucking annoying thing that happens when everything goes blurry and turns black then refocuses kept happening! im so glad i didnt faint! thats the last thing i need! a ride to the hospital to be told im anemic, which i already know, and to be billed for it. to be billed for nothing, yet again...speaking of which, the hospital never called back about my blood test results, (no surprise there the fucking fat ass didnt even get what she was supposed to) and im not going to call to find out. the last thing i need is to be told im anemic, im underweight and to be given the eating disorder test and a full exam. hell fucking no! fuck that shit!

heres a helpful thinspo that i researched. i looked up how many calories equal to 1 pound. so from now on, when im binging, im going to do my best to keep track of the calories i eat so that maybe i can pull myself out of it because ill be seeing exactly how many pounds im gaining as i eat the shit i eat.

3500cal = 1lb
1750cal = ½lb
875cal = ¼lb
500cal = .142855lb
400cal = .114284lb
300cal = .085713lb
200cal = .057142lb
100cal = .028571lb
1cal = .00028571lb

we all know subs are sooo not healthy like commercials imply, i call false advertising!

i HATE food!!!!!!! ug i feel sooo bloated and disgusting! i purged my guts out a few minutes ago. my stomach hurts so bad! boyfriend woke me up from my nap and said
"lets go."
"where?"
"penn station for dinner. i can finally buy you something to eat."
"oh, ok!" pretending to be excited.
he goes to the bathroom and i immediately jump outta bed and search for the lowest cal sub they have. i didnt really have time to really search for the lowest cal one so i just picked the lowest one i could spot on the first page. it was either chicken salad or turkey dagwood. i went with chicken salad and now i have a stamp on my head that says IDIOT and a FAT ASS one on my stomach to match! duh! chicken salad will have mayo! turkey dagwood i can tell them no mayo :P well, on the way there i told myself, "its ok. itll be ok. you can handle this. its just one time...or any time im caught in a food trap like this...i hope theres not too many before july 30! ill be fine. ill just eat it all so theres no temptation later, i will not binge afterward! ill try my best to avoid food tomorrow and ill be back on it!" well, that thought process didnt work. i felt guilty as fuck and i had to, had to, had to purge! i looked in the mirror and im fatter than i was :( i told myself i wasnt going to complain but. fuck i was doing so good!.......ok! im stopping now! right now! i sound so pathetic! i need to just forget it, and continue doing well tomorrow. it so hard to let it go! but i have to stop it! ok, im stopping it! my thought process is kicking in now...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 1:50p
1/2c peaches: 50cal 4:10p
1 small 7in Penn Station chicken salad sub: 568cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)
Penn Station french fries: 271cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)

359cal over :'(
895cal eaten
839-10%= 755.1cal purge
139.9cal net total

our 2yr anni is coming up! =)

the one food situation i havent yet found any way out of if my "im not hungry-i dont want any" doesnt work, is when me and xxx have fast food for lunch and the place has no salad. it was just me and him today. he had a job interview and i tagged along. bad move. we stopped by popeyes after the interview and i scoured the menu, no salad that i could see fast enough :P sooo i ate. drank in between and ate. he forgot the laptop was in the car so while went to get it, i put one chicken tender in my napkin and threw it away along with a bite size piece of another to make it look like i started on my 2nd. he came back while i was on my last bite. haha i pulled the classic/stupid "whats that??" without even knowing what "what" was. i just let him figure that out :P and while he looked behind him i spit it out in my napkin and put it in the box. and like i planned, he figured something out and said
"what? the table with the football table cloth?"
"ya, what is that??"
"a taaable cloth..." confused look.
"oh...no i mean whats it for?"
"oh i dunno, beats me."

"phew, im full! looks like my eating alot phase ended, my stomach is back to being small."

"not for long."

"haha."
that would work because my stomach always was weird. sometimes i could eat alot and id purge after, sometimes i just wasnt hungry all day and just wouldnt eat and i had times when id get nauseous when breakfast/lunch/dinner time rolls around so id have to eat at off times and even then i couldnt eat very much. my eating habbits never were "normal". it only got "normal" when i had to watch myself about my eating and was forced to eat like everyone else.

i dont feel tooo guilty for eating it because i didnt eat more than i should have and i purged it at the office we went to for his other job application that they sent him to. my stomach definately wasnt happy though. it felt pretty uncomfortable after eating that chicken tender i dont know why :P that usually only happens if i havent eaten or purged every meal for a long period of time. dinner was wendys so i went with a side chicken ceasar and didnt use the dressing.

im so happy! friday is our 2yr anniversary ^__^ he said he wants to take me on a date if he has money! we havent been on a date yet. ive never been on a date at all with anybody except that mini date he took me on a couple weeks ago to make up for the flat tire canceling our supposed-to-be first date. me and xxx met online in '08 and we connected, got close, fell in love and i moved out here to meet him and be with him. so really we've only been phisically together since november of last year. he's my first boyfriend so thats why it will be my first date. im so excited! we havent decided what we'll do or if he can take me on one but im excited! too bad itll probably be a little stressfull because itll probably involve food -__- and the reason he may not have money for it is that he doesnt have a job right now. he just recently was given permission from his Dr to work again. during his last job he tore the tendon in his shoulder and had surgery and spent quite a while in recovery/physical therapy.

also, my friend might come over for a couple days =) i havent seen her in a while and i dont have any friends here so itll be nice. she live about 2hrs from me so thats why we dont hang out. xxx brought it up and told me to ask her. he knows im feeling a little sad and off lately, he's so sweet ^__^ i was thinking she could come over this weekend but im going to move it to next weekend since our anni is on friday. i kinda want it to ourselves now that we finally have eachother =)

1 Popeyes chicken tender: 125cal 4:10p (purge 4:17p)

2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 8:05p

1 Wendy's chicken ceasar salad: 260cal 11:00p (purge 11:20p)

555cal under

445cal eaten

255-10%= 229.5cal purged

215.5cal net total

more binges and some tips for less suspicious purging

ug, i hate myself! i tried to give the dogs more than half of my sandwich but they make a noise every time they grab food from my hand :/ makes it kinda hard to "sneak" and feed them all my food when they basically tell him how much theyre eating. then that started me on another binge! im glad it was a cracker binge! id be crying my eyes out if it was some greasy, fatty, oily forbidden something! im so disappointed in myself :( i cant believe i had TWO fucking binges in one dam day! im gonna make up for it tomorrow for sure! tomorrow is a sorbet day!

i took a shower tonight =) finally! i end the annoying cycle of missing a shower one night, bathe in the morning, feel gross toward the end of the day, miss another shower cuz im already tired and lazy and cycle continues. so! i showered tonight and im not missing one tomorrow night! i made the mistake of showering in hot water even though i know cold burns calories, even though i know ive been weak, even though i know ive been tired, even though i know that post-purge makes me shaky, even though i know i have bad heat sensitivity, i took a hot shower...and fell -__- xxx came and knocked on the door to see if i was alright and im glad the door is locked because i leave the throw-up in the toilet so its less suspicious. its kinda suspicious to hear the shower water running and hear a flush. ive already been questioned before by my mother and uncle, i dont want to be questioned from my boyfriend. to prevent even being suspected, i either:

1) flush with the shower already on (i hardly do it because there is no evidence as in my second choice)- prepared excuse (always be prepared, i say): "i was letting the water get warm and peed while i was waiting."

2) flush after shower- prepared excuse: i dont like to pee in the shower. its gross feeling your pee run down your legs :P

step 1: when i plan on flushing after i shower, i make sure i put a layer of toilet paper over it all and bunch some up and throw it in there to make it look a little messy, less like im hiding something. im scared that somehow i actually didnt lock the door and someone will come in to use the bathroom. they most likely wont watch it while its flushing since it looks like #2 but at least the initial glance is taken care of.

step 2: before i turn off the shower i drink in a mouthful of water and keep it in my mouth while i get dressed. then i drip it into the toilet so it sounds like im peeing. i figure im less likely to be suspected of anything if theres sound evidence =)

im so tired today, it sucks. i keep getting light headed when i stand up and things get black for a few seconds. sometimes i have to sit back down and breathe and try again to stand up. but i try my hardest to pretend im fine, i dont want another trip to any dr, er, any sort of medical person :P

i hope i have a babysitting job starting on the 12 this week! =) that would be awesome! then i can finally get myself a scale! i need one bad! but that lady was supposed to call me this past saturday to arrange a meet but she didnt call. i let it go because she is very busy but maybe to show responsibility/eagerness, i should have -__- fuck up number 1,007 for alice. im going to call her tomorrow to make sure im still babysitting on the 12.

and speaking of not calling me, the fucking hospital never got back to me about my blood test. i knew that stupid ass didnt get enough blood. you watch, im gonna call tomorrow and theyre gonna to tell me i need to come down for another blood test, fuuuck. i better get someone good this time and im going to say something if they do it the wrong way.

1 stalk celery: 6cal 2:00p
1 tsp dressing: 16cal 2:00p
1 yokan: 170cal 5:10p
binge 1/2 bag onion ring chips: 1449cal 7:25p (purge 7:30p)
1/2 pre made grocery store sandwich: 155cal 10:40p (purge 10:50p)
3 Honey Maid graham crackers: 90cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)
2 gummy bears: 22cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)
1 Triscuit: 20cal 10:45p (purge 10:50p)

928cal over
1928cal eaten...IDIOT!!!
1736-10%= 1562.4cal purge
365.6cal net total

spiders and a thoughtful greasy cheese burger

holy fuck i absolutely hate Hate HATE spiders! daddy long legs or real ones i despise them, they should all be dead!!! DEAD!!! xxx was cooking 460 calories on the grill and the stupid daddy long leg came crawling up by the food!!! i really didnt feel like eating after that! bugs really deter my appetite! ug, i gess i have to start my kick assing tomorrow, i had tomake myself eat half that greasy hamburger cuz xxx made it special for me O.o he thought i didnt like it cuz i didnt finish it : / why do so many special things, surprises, and dates revolve around oil, fat and grease food? i wanted to purge SO bad so i did as soon as he went downstairs ^//^ i dont think i can get away from purging -__- i do it almost everyday! especially since i dont really have any control over my dinner meals, my guilt plays too much with me, i can never throw it away or say ill eat something else or say my tummy hurts cuz its a lie :P ill definitely have to work on that! i should feel guilty about lying, but its the only way for me to be happy in the end...

Thin And Bones

I wish to see bones.

White, thin and beautiful.

The backbone of perfection;

Fall into the cage of beauty;

Wear a thin collar of satisfaction around my neck;

Dig up the bones surrounded by sand-colored jello-y mush.

I want bones.

Light and pure.

Ah, to feel the bumps as i slide my fingertips over my ribs.

To feel the vertebrae under my gentle grazing fingers.

What surrounds them is a disgrace.

I will melt the shame off my body.

I will be beautiful.

I will be thin.

I will be perfect.

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 11:35a
1 serving onion rings: 138cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 yokan: 170cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1/2 peanut butter Moon Pie: 85cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 nikuman: 310cal 2:35p (purge 2:40p)
10 babdy carrots: 20cal 10:00p
1 tsp california dressing: 16cal 10:00p
1/2 cheese burger: 230cal 11:00p (purge 11:15p)

7cal under
991cal eaten
933-10%= 839.7cal purged
151.3cal net total

purging seems to be unavoidable for me...i hate my lack of control!

ug, i dont understand why. i ate more than i needed to! it was an ok cal number (165) but it was too much food. it stuffed me so full i had to purge! i suppose i should be happy cuz that means my stomach has shrunk, but i felt like such a fucking fat ass! i felt horrible for not eating slowly or taking small bites and not stopping when my stomach before my stomach got full. i hate eating until i feel full or stuffed, it just leaves me feeling disgusting. it was so hard to throw it up too cuz i get so dam nervous. this house echoes bad cuz theres no carpet :/ im glad we have that fan thing in the bathroom cuz just turning on the water in the sink doesnt block out the noise enough and im a relatively quiet purger O.o i learned how to move/position my body and how to use my hands so my gag noises arent so loud, im glad for that! it also sucks cuz i still want some of that sorbert in there -__- but im saving that for tomorrow, it was going to be my reward for keeping on it, but i definately dont deserve it! lack of control = tighter restrictions!

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 1:45p
1 ramnen w/sesame oil: 160cal 12:20a (purge 12:31a)
1 sheet seaweed: 5cal 12:20p (purge 12:31a)

811cal under
189cal eaten
165-10%= 148.5cal purged
40.5cal net total

im a failure yet again :(

i HATE myself!!! im so depressed :( i was doing so good today but when dinner came i was hungry and i thought what the heck ill binge and purge...well i binged and i couldnt hardly throw up anything! >: my body wouldnt let me for some reason, its fucked up!! i tried and tried and tried...nothing. my throat hurts :( i did a ton of crunches to make up for it but it doesnt ease my mind cuz i know crunches arent for burning cals, theyre for toning my tummy...FUCK! i hate myself so much! right when i think, oh! im starting to get better control of myself...BOOM! it all fucks up and ive fell into a greasy, fat, blubbery, sick, disgusting ditch :( whats wrong with me?! why cant i do anything right on my own? why does someone always have to hold my hand?? im an adult now! i should be able to do things on my own right?! well thanks mom, thanks dad, thanks to everyone else who have told me "your too young" "ill take care of it" "ill write the letter for you" "you dont have enough expirience" "youll get hurt" "its too dangerous" THANK! YOU! you've successfully held my hand and done things for me all my life that i cant do things on my own!!! tell me, what have "I" accomplished huh? what have "I" done? what is mine to claim? what do i have to be proud of?! NOTHING THATS WHAT?! >: im a failure, a baby, a person who is always scared, a person who is always unsure of myself, a person who always needs to be told if what im doing is ok or right............i hate me......................

i dont even want to log what ive eaten today but i have to :(

1 1/1 Slices of toast: 90cal 2:52p
1 1/2tsp Strawberry jelly: 7.5cal 2:52p
1 Red delicious apple, no skin: 80cal 6:17p
1/4c Shrimp chips: 26cal 8:03p
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 220cal10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Swiss cheese turkey wrap: 163cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Mini Milky Way candy bar: 190cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Chicken pita bread sandwich: 310cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Hostess Cinnamon Streusel Cake: 170cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)


256.5cal over :'''(
1256.5cal eaten

i want to cry :'( i hate myself im so fat! im so gross i cant stop looking at my fat thighs and stomach its so gross. it takes three, THREE, hands to wrap around my thighs! :'''( and my stomach has a crease in the middle when i sit its so gross! its embarrassing to put this on the internet (even though i have no blogger followers) but maybe embarrassing myself about how disgusting i am will make me think twice the next time i think about doing what i did today. i better remember, the next time i tell myself "what the hell, i can always purge", i might not be able to purge and then ill be fat and gross for one more day longer. how the fuck do i have a boyfriend??!! what does he see?? he always says that im beautiful and to stop worrying, but i just dont see it. whats so beautiful about me??? i hate me!!!

"i dont look in the mirror, i dont like what i see staring back at me, everything is clearer, ill never see what you see...i was born so beautiful, but now im ugly...i know im nothing, i know theres nothing i can say...im good enough but i dont care, im good enough but im not there..."

lots of calories for the fat purging pig

i got hungry when we got home from the picnic since i purged it :/ so i mini binged :(

Red delicious apple: 80cal 4:40p (purge 5:00p)
Pita bread sandwich: 310cal 4:45p (purge 5:00)
100cal Klondike ice cream sandwich: 100cal 8:45p
3 Triscuits: 60cal 9:50p

when it came time for dinner i thought about just eating a pbj but that turned out to be 280cal and i saw the ramen was 190 so i ate that without the soup and a kit kat shortly afterward...fat fucking ass!

Ramen: 180cal 11.10p
Kit Kat: 133cal 11:42p

heres the total of everything i ate today :'''(

Triscuit: 20cal 3:00p
Half cookie: 50cal 650p
Steak: 280cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Baked potato: 278 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Ketchup: 30cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Hostess cupcake: 210cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Hostess cinnamon streusel cake: 170cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Red delicious apple: 80cal 4:40p (purge 5:00p)
Pita bread sandwich: 310cal 4:45p (purge 5:00)
100cal Klondike ice cream sandwich: 100cal 8:45p
3 Triscuits: 60cal 9:50p
Ramen: 180cal 11.10p
Kit Kat: 133cal 11:42p

901cal over
1901cal eaten :'''(
1358-10%= 1344.2cal purged
556.8cal net total

though i dont really feel it counts, purging makes me feel so much better.


i feel SO stupid!!! no wonder i eat so much and cant stick to it! theres a whole ton of calories to spare so i keep telling myself "ah, its ok, just eat it, you got a ton left" well duhhh! its because i havent been restricting myself to the 166cal limit i made for 6 meals a day. ive been saving up the calories i dont use for one big meal. i have to train my stomach first, i cant just jump right back into it without shrinking it down to its natural fist size. its not much of a change yet cuz im still at 1000cal per day :/ but it brings me closer to my first GW =)




mon, wed, fri, sun:
6 meals a day
166cal per meal

or

alternating 3 meals and 3 snacks per day
166cal per meal/snack
1000cal or less per day

snack rule: must be snack foods: crackers, apples, celery etc.
meal rule: no substituting meals for snacks and snacks for meals.
snacks may be skipped, but once skipped thats it, no deciding to eat one 30min later.
snacks cannot be saved and eaten back to back.
time between meals/snacks: 2-4hrs between food consumption.
saving rule: saved cals cannot be added to the following meals.
reward for cal saving: less cals consumed for the day and closer to GW.

tue, thu, sat:
3 meals a day
333cal per meal
1000cal or less per day

snack rule: must be snack foods: crackers, apples, celery etc.
meal rule: no substituting meals for snacks and snacks for meals.
time between meals/snacks: 2-4hrs between food consumption
saving rule: im allowed to use left over cals from each meal for a snack 2hrs later.
saved cals cannot be added to the following meals.
reward for cal saving: snacks

picnic function day

continuing from yesterday, remember the steak and baked potato for dinner last night? i ended up doing a small binge and purge. i just thought "ah what the fuck!" and i ate the whole steak, the baked potato with the skin, ketchup, a hostess cupcake, the ones with the chocolate top and cream filling, and a crumb cake. O.o dam im a fat ass! i know i purged the 968cal from the dinner binge, but i still feel like i ate all those cals...

(from previous blog)

Triscuit: 20cal 3:00p

Half cookie: 50cal 650p

(todays blog)

Steak: 280cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Baked potato: 278 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Ketchup: 30cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Hostess cupcake: 210cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Hostess cinnamon streusel cake: 170cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Plus the triscuit and half cookie earlier today (in my previous blog)

38cal over -__-

1o38cal eaten

968-10% = 871.2cal purged

166.8cal net total

after dinner i sketched a pretty good picture if i do say so myself ^__^ i dont have my camera right now, its being borrowed, so ill take a pic tomorrow. for now, heres what i copied it from:

(i didnt take this pic, i found it on the internet.)

we had to go to a picnic function sorta thing today. i got kinda depressed cuz some of the guys were playing baseball and there were people everywhere and food and games and kids...it just made me so sad. my heart hurt. it reminded me about when my dad used to play softball and we'd go out to his softball picnics...i want to go back in time. i miss my young carefree life. i miss daddy's little girl. i miss the happy family i used to naively believe we were. i cried for a minute but i didnt want anyone to know so i hid my face. luckily it was ok, i was able to regain myself and be normal.

of course, there was food though. i couldnt say i had already eaten since they know i didnt, they were with me thr whole time. so i ate a hamburger with hardly any ketchup at all, i wiped most of it off, and about 13 doritos. i took extra small bites and picked on the bun. i was only gonna eat half and throw the rest away but i dunno, i couldnt :/ damit i can never stay on track! i got upset so i went to the bathroom and purged it all. then i felt so much better! relief! funny thing was i was only thinking about hurrying and getting it all out that i ended up purging in the mens bathroom hehe when i saw the urinals i just thought it was unisex. some parks do have unisex bathrooms.

Hamburger: 420cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)

Bun: 120cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)
Ketchup: 4.3cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)
Doritos: 185.5cal 1:25p (purge 1:30p)

270.2cal under OMGOSH thats so close!
729.8cal eaten
729.8-10%= 656.82cal purged
73.6cal net total