we all know subs are sooo not healthy like commercials imply, i call false advertising!

i HATE food!!!!!!! ug i feel sooo bloated and disgusting! i purged my guts out a few minutes ago. my stomach hurts so bad! boyfriend woke me up from my nap and said
"lets go."
"where?"
"penn station for dinner. i can finally buy you something to eat."
"oh, ok!" pretending to be excited.
he goes to the bathroom and i immediately jump outta bed and search for the lowest cal sub they have. i didnt really have time to really search for the lowest cal one so i just picked the lowest one i could spot on the first page. it was either chicken salad or turkey dagwood. i went with chicken salad and now i have a stamp on my head that says IDIOT and a FAT ASS one on my stomach to match! duh! chicken salad will have mayo! turkey dagwood i can tell them no mayo :P well, on the way there i told myself, "its ok. itll be ok. you can handle this. its just one time...or any time im caught in a food trap like this...i hope theres not too many before july 30! ill be fine. ill just eat it all so theres no temptation later, i will not binge afterward! ill try my best to avoid food tomorrow and ill be back on it!" well, that thought process didnt work. i felt guilty as fuck and i had to, had to, had to purge! i looked in the mirror and im fatter than i was :( i told myself i wasnt going to complain but. fuck i was doing so good!.......ok! im stopping now! right now! i sound so pathetic! i need to just forget it, and continue doing well tomorrow. it so hard to let it go! but i have to stop it! ok, im stopping it! my thought process is kicking in now...

3 baby carrots: 6cal 1:50p
1/2c peaches: 50cal 4:10p
1 small 7in Penn Station chicken salad sub: 568cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)
Penn Station french fries: 271cal 10:00p (purge 10:10p)

359cal over :'(
895cal eaten
839-10%= 755.1cal purge
139.9cal net total

excuses excuses

we went to the store earlier and i got more carrots and a different kind of soup. i really want to take my time and look at all the different things and calorie amounts and see which ones have the lowest but its really hard doing that with my boyfriend around :/ he doesnt think i need to "diet" so i wont say im "dieting" as a reason because hell say im not fat, i dont need to, im fine how i am etc. so the only thing i got going for me now is saying im into health. he grabbed a really high cal bread and changed his mind to a different one, which so happened to be low cal,
"i like this one better, ok with you?"
"yep! its healthier anyway. the other one was really bad."
"psh, since when are you into health??"
"ive always been, i just took it down a notch since ive been here cuz its not like im paying for the food."
so thats been explaining the light soups, sobe life water, vitamin water, vegetables, silk, sorbet and whatever else i ask for. i cant wait to get a job so i can stop feeling bad asking for food...aaand i still have to learn how to fucking drive! then i can go and do my own fucking shopping! ive kinda been putting it off because i wanted my first licence to be from home with our info on it, not to mention i hate taking id/permit/licence pics :P but for the sake of losing im gonna try to get it and a job. im not that bad a driver i just need to drive a little more before i go so i can get used to it again.

next to the soups is the bakery and i have absolutely no fucking idea why i said it but i kinda shouted, "COOKIES!" -__- ya...nice one alice!
evil-devil-horrid-fattening-calorie-stuffed food=1
stupid-fat-loud-mouth-wants-to-gain-more alice=0.
but i turned that situation around by pretending.
"whats this one?"
lifts the cover.
"meh. i like this one better."
takes a 70 calorie cookie that was baked in 45calorie butter and sprinkled with 10 calories.
i held it in my hand and pretended to eat it and when we got to the toilet paper, i dropped it in between the bags. im sure people saw me but do i give a fuck? hell, fuck no! my bodys at stake here! you think im gonna eat it just because people are watching me thinking, "did she just?...she did?!...why the fuck did she take it if she was gonna stuf it in the items only for it to mold and rot? what an idiot!" no! no i am not! id rather do that than watch my stomach and thighs grow an inch before my eyes! i am strong, ana's on my side, i must keep control.

ive been researching on the internet and ive been finding some awesome low cal recipes! i just have to tweak and modify here and there but hey, its not bad! i found pancakes that are 26cal each, muffins 72cal each (still kinda high for my liking), and a tuna salad 88cal, which i can split into 4 22cal servings! thats really good for me because i need to keep my cals super super low this month and next! i need to start seeing some fucking results!

its so fucking gross! i went in the bathroom this afternoon and xxx's mom put 3 rolls of toilet paper on the plunger! EW! thats disgusting! why?! something that goes in the toilet, cleaned OR uncleaned, breads bacteria from the pee/doo doo water (just cuz you cant see it dont mean its not there) while it sits there and dries! and you wipe your private parts with that?! the parts that your supposed to keep cleanest?! why dont you just stuff the fucking plunger up your pussy?! its basically the same thing. ug! i cant wait till me and him get our own place. itll be sooo much fucking easier for me to keep things clean the way i want it and to get the food i want and do what i want. i just feel uncomfortable here cuz its her house, not mine. i can only keep our room clean and the bathroom upstairs (which by the way, the toilet paper is kept under the sink in its wrapping!), because that job has been left to me...somewhat, but thank fucking hell that i get some say in it cuz its the one i use.

xxx is so sweet! i was sooo sleepy. i was falling asleep while we were watching death becomes her, you know that old-ish movie where they drink the potion and stay young forever? well anyway he carried me to the bed ^__^ awww!

puking blood, a sign from ana

June 21 (partial fail)

have you guys seen that mc donadls commercial where the lady rides her bike to work and she says that the egg mc muffin makes that hard ride up the hill all worth while? haha isnt that a shame? all those calories burned getting there and up that hill, all replace plus more with a ton of calories in that egg mc muffin...ha! like i should talk! im such a fat ass!

3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 5:55p
spaghetti: 310cal 8:00p (purge 8:10p)
pre-made peanut butter jelly sandwich: 200cal 2:00a
2 Triscuits: 40cal 2:00p

340cal under
660cal eaten
310-10%= 279cal purged
381cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 22 (partial fail)

i cant keep up this 2468 diet, i was going to do it for one or two more weeks, but its frustrating me. i feel like im eating too much when i see my cals are going up so high! not to mention its causing me to consume too many calories in one sitting and i hate it! look at my cal intakes! theyre so disgusting! not to mention look at what im eating! ice cream?! ceasar salad from wendy's?! and the other day i ate waaay to much fucking spaghetti! ive reached a plateau and so i thought this would help me because maybe i needed to mix up my caloric intake a bit, get my metabolism going, but i just feel so gross and disgusting i want to cry. i go to the bathroom about a thousand times a day because of all that water, and every time i look in the mirror and im not me. im a disgusting fatty who doesnt have control in the slightest and cant stick to her safe foods! im such an idiot! im going back to my regular. but im changing my cal limit too 500. it makes no sense for me to keep it at 1000 since i never pass it anymore and i cry and get so disgusted with myself if i pass 700. i purged the other day and i know ive been purging too much. i threw up blood :( it scares me when that happens! i dont want to be the girl who died in the bathroom from a ruptured esophagus from puking up the food she ate because she lacks control over what she eats. i want to be able to reap the reward for reaching my goal weight and be able to finally feel beautiful, not die trying to get there. i need to do this the right way. i need to stop being stupid! i need to take that as a warning from ana. she's telling me to take control, stop being a panty wimp and control what i eat! love the feeling of my tummy growling! tell myself that my goal weight and feeling beautiful will be better than the taste of any food could ever be! thank you ana for the sign! i needed it! from now on, im staying under 500! and any non-safe food i eat must be chew/spit!

have you guys heard of the salt water flush?? 2tbsp salt dissolved into 1 litre (~4.2c) of warm water. drink on an empty stomach within a half hour or so, lie on your right side and its supposed to work like a laxative. i want to try it but ive never taken any laxatives or anything so im wondering if this works. i still have to do more research on it.

3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 4:20p
1 serving brown sugar oatmeal: 130cal 6:40p
2 Honey Maid graham crackers: 60cal 8:00p
Wendy's side ceasar salad: 260cal 10:30p (purge 10:40p)
1 vanilla Drumstick: 290cal 11:40p

150cal under
850cal eaten
260-10%= 234cal purge
616cal net total

they say what you dream is your brain's metaphorical message of the things that bother you or that happen in your waking life...i believe it!

i have dreams every dam night about food, about purging, about avoiding eating, about binging, about being mad at myself for eating, about being caught purging, about binging and not being able to get away to purge, etc, etc. uggg its so annoying! sometimes i wake up not knowing how to act because it feels so real and im not sure if i was caught or not.

i took a nap this afternoon because i was sooo tired. i dreamed that i had a massive binge and i had food all over me and every bite i took i could feel and see the fat sliding through and stretching my skin like big fat worms. i was literally watching myself get fat. every bite i took i gained a pound O.o and after i finished my binge i kept growing because my body was absorbing what i had taken in. i could feel the "fat worms" wiggling around trying to find room under my skin for a permanent home. i couldnt let that happen! i had to rush to the toilet to throw it all up so id stop gaining weight. i ran to the sink to wash my hands as fast as i could so i could put up my hair. i had food all on my hands. they were greasy, frosting-filled, oil-coated, gravy-smothered, syrup-sticky, every-gross-spillable-food-you-could-imagine fat hands. i couldnt grab the bar of soap, it kept slipping out of my hands. after i finally got my hands clean, i had to put up my hair. but my hair kept coming out of the rubber band! i said "FUCK IT! im gaining too fast!" and ran to the toilet at top speed. it was a public restroom and it was sooo gross! my thighs slid down the porcelain as i kneeled because it was one of the impossibly small stalls but i had to hurry so i didnt care! i just purged my guts out. it was the same as when i was binging, i felt all the "fat worms" slide and wiggle between my bones and my skin. they went up my legs, up my arms; to my stomach, then to my chest; up my throat and out my mouth. i was like waterfall for smooshed, chewed, baby food-looking, watery, undigested food. it was so disgusting! it got in my hair and all over the place. it filled and over-flowed the toilet and got all over my clothes! it flowed onto the floor of the stall next to me and all out by the sink and the door. it was so weird and gross and just disgusting! after i purged i looked like me again, how i look now. not extremely fat but not thin either, just 105lb me...but with vomit all over my hands, all in my hair, on my face, all over the floor and my feet, ug. i woke up feeling so gross...

spiders and a thoughtful greasy cheese burger

holy fuck i absolutely hate Hate HATE spiders! daddy long legs or real ones i despise them, they should all be dead!!! DEAD!!! xxx was cooking 460 calories on the grill and the stupid daddy long leg came crawling up by the food!!! i really didnt feel like eating after that! bugs really deter my appetite! ug, i gess i have to start my kick assing tomorrow, i had tomake myself eat half that greasy hamburger cuz xxx made it special for me O.o he thought i didnt like it cuz i didnt finish it : / why do so many special things, surprises, and dates revolve around oil, fat and grease food? i wanted to purge SO bad so i did as soon as he went downstairs ^//^ i dont think i can get away from purging -__- i do it almost everyday! especially since i dont really have any control over my dinner meals, my guilt plays too much with me, i can never throw it away or say ill eat something else or say my tummy hurts cuz its a lie :P ill definitely have to work on that! i should feel guilty about lying, but its the only way for me to be happy in the end...

Thin And Bones

I wish to see bones.

White, thin and beautiful.

The backbone of perfection;

Fall into the cage of beauty;

Wear a thin collar of satisfaction around my neck;

Dig up the bones surrounded by sand-colored jello-y mush.

I want bones.

Light and pure.

Ah, to feel the bumps as i slide my fingertips over my ribs.

To feel the vertebrae under my gentle grazing fingers.

What surrounds them is a disgrace.

I will melt the shame off my body.

I will be beautiful.

I will be thin.

I will be perfect.

2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 11:35a
1 serving onion rings: 138cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 yokan: 170cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1/2 peanut butter Moon Pie: 85cal 1:45p (purge 2:15p)
1 nikuman: 310cal 2:35p (purge 2:40p)
10 babdy carrots: 20cal 10:00p
1 tsp california dressing: 16cal 10:00p
1/2 cheese burger: 230cal 11:00p (purge 11:15p)

7cal under
991cal eaten
933-10%= 839.7cal purged
151.3cal net total

watching people cook in fast food restaurants can be a good thinspo

i like that my cal intake for the day was pretty low today but i didnt even have to eat anything for the rest of the night except crackers. i know i could have done it. i had ordered a waffle and bacon...dont ask why i even bothered ordering the bacon, i didnt plan on eating it ^//^ i just ordered it to order it i dont know why. but after sitting there watching them cook, watching all the greese bubble and splatter.

(isnt that gross? its not the waffle house bacon, but still gross right? ↑)

i HAD to change it! i could feel the grease in my throat just by looking at it! i felt like i was eating it and gaining weight just by smelling it and watching the fat fuckers cook! and im not just saying that, they were actually fat fucks! i switched my order to a grilled cheese instead, i couldnt take it. i figured a grilled cheese had less cals than waffles (i was right). they had already made the bacon by the time i switched my order, so i had take it. im glad we have dogs, i fed them a strip of bacon, halfed the 3/4 of the one i ate (dunno why i ate it, i shouldnt have) and halfed the other half of my grilled cheese between them. i feel so sick for eating that!!! i can feel the grease in my mouth and throat! -__- its worse now that i ate it and im not just looking at it...oh i hate eating out so bad!

2 Honey Maid squares: 60cal 2:30p
2 Keebler Zesta crackers: 24cal 12:45p
1 mini Whoppers candy (3 balls): 32cal 4:50p
1/2 Waffle House grilled cheese: 145cal 10:35p
1/4 strip bacon: 10cal 10:35p
5 Meiji Gummy Choco: 40cal 1:35a

689cal under
311cal eaten

ha! heres some disgusting reverse thinspo!
nowww let me see you eat grilled cheese or bacon again huh!