saddening feelings of a far away girl

i have not been well....or...well technically i have...but...you know, i cannot say. i dont even know if i am or am not. i cannot feel...or i can feel but, just not the way...just not the right...fuck it, i dont know! is that good or is that bad, not to feel? i mean i DO feel feelings but its not...ug i cant even speak anymore! fuck sake i dont know what i feel.

...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?

oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.





EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!

happy new years ^.^ (extra belated!)

"hey girls, 明けましておめでとう！ (happy new years!) for new years this year me and boyfriend stayed in, played some need for speed and just enjoyed each others company. i try in vain to beat his score -__- we were invited to a party but did not attend for there was going to be drunken, high people there which would not have been very good for me. to be around that sort just puts me into fear and hatred. i feel bad at times for my...issues, as it prevents him from doing things he would otherwise be doing had i not existed. i often feel like the detention teacher shoving change down his throat...hehe or more, that is what i want to do ^^' sometimes i consider changing myself to better fit him and have tried to convince myself to do so but who am i fooling? doing it would probably give me the brain fever. (yes, i read too much ^^ but maybe it is good for me as well) the more we are together the more i notice how very different we are. it has its positives and its negatives. i suppose it is in the upbringing and culture, it is light and dark. things which my family does is not understood in this family and things this family does will not/is not understood with mine. haha it would be a bit funny to see mine and his family under the same roof for a couple hours...ok so, maybe that wouldnt create any laughter at all, it may be quite...horrible actually O.o both sides would argue determinedly to make their side understood. well that is one thing in common i gess ^^ bit scary.

i was asked what my resolutions are and they are:

be as healthy as possible

better my self

succeed at uni!!! (that is a huge one for me!)

attain a job (there must be a way to get employed this year, there must! if i do not have one by next year something is wrong)"

that is what i had written on new years but failed to post :P

every so often, i feel horrible to admit: i consider using that toilet for something, other than pee and poo, which we are all too familiar with. i also consider not eating but that is alot harder to do around people than to simply, quietly regurgitate. i am lucky that it has yet to form into an action; save once where i kneeled down with my hand to my mouth but got right back up. that was some time ago though. the things i used to do are always in my mind. i always involuntarily consider them but never go through with it. not to say it would be good that i did, but at times i wonder, why dont i? if i cant be discovered, why not? i think perhaps it is my morals, relentless reoccurring guilt after i have done wrong and a huge reason is my love and loyalty to boyfriend holds a greater pull.

i wonder where i have gone to. when you begin the process of recovery, where does that person go to? does she slowly just, disappear? do i just progressively lose that part of me? though i know there will constantly be that possibility of relapse for the rest of my life. look at those women in their 50s, their 60s, and 70s who are anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS...so i gess she never really will leave me and there is no such thing as a full and complete recovery. (though i already knew that haha!) she was such a big part of me for so long, since i was a child, that for quite a while i felt i had lost myself, my identity so to speak. who i was. i feel that way every now and then but it isnt so strong and saddening as it was. i had to re-examine myself and find who i was, my meaning. that is where my passion for photography and art really became a passion.

i read something somewhere --forgive me i cannot remember where-- it said something to this effect: asking a person with an eating disorder "why do you think you are fat when you are not?" or "how thin is thin enough for you?" is like asking a sleeping person "are you asleep?" it is a pointless question for it cannot possibly be answered straightly. there are times we know we are not really fat, but what we see says otherwise. therefore we know, but do not know that we are fat or thin. so in a sense, we are neither/nor. as for the question "how thin is thin enough?" it is another unanswerable question. "thin enough" suggests that there is a magic number that, once reached, will make us "better" or "happier" but there is none. once that number is reached there is always a new one set and the routine begins anew. it is just a feeling of inadequacy and self-hatred that we flee from; or rather, work to be rid of. and for many of us, we work at it so hard and for so long that it essentially becomes our normal that thinking about being "normal" is foreign. we dont even think about it anymore.

i dont know, just some thoughts i had and things i wanted to say and readings i wanted to share ^^' but things have been pretty good. im still in recov and trying to better myself...failing horribly at exercise though :P