another breakdown

i am completely stressed today. i feel so overwhelmed, sad and just upset. i had a breakdown all by my lonesome tonight; closed myself in the dark closet, cried and hyperventilated. i basically had another emotional breakdown, just an overload of negative emotions came pouring out. i needed it but i still dont feel better. this time is different though: im angry at myself and i dont know why, im mad at boyfriend and i dont know why, im sad and i dont know why. how can one claim all these emotions toward a person or them self and not know why?? i really need to look into medical insurance! i need a psychiatrist badly! someone to talk to, someone professional who will try to understand and help me, someone i can confide in who will allow me to talk about things i need to. not to mention i also really need to get my tummy checked out. its been getting progressively worse. i woke at 10a today and couldnt get out of bed until around 4p.

i told boyfriend that i missed home and he suggested i go home for a month or two, then he will join me and we return here together after a third month. i am not completely sure if i want to do this, but maybe i should. maybe i need it. maybe i need a break from everything before i lose my mind. i feel myself slipping back into depression and i dont want to go back there. im trying my hardest but its just adding to all my stress.

well...fall classes began...and i am not in them...i feel like a failure again, possibly something that adds to my emotions. i just procrastinated and procrastinated and just never did it. i usually procrastinate and then crank things out at the last minute, but not this time. -and here i go putting myself down again- i sound like a baby but im scared. i didnt do it because im scared. its stupid i know, but its true and its how i feel. i just wish someone would understand that and quit putting me down for the things/hurt/sadness i feel!...anyway, to put it short, i took the wimpy road and didnt pursue uni in fear of failure which in turn has made me a failure, aint life sweet?!

upside down and all around

im doing good, my cals are in check, its all panning out quite well but for some odd reason i feel so...backwards. i feel odd, like something is the matter with me. but nevertheless i am trucking on and doing what needs be done.

yesterday was cleaning day since i had forgotten to do it on saturday...ok, let us off track a second on that. something must be the matter with me if i forgot cleaning day on saturday and did it on tuesday. i usually cannot stand to do cleaning day on any day but saturday and normally, if i miss a saturday i will wait until the next saturday to do it, but not this time O.o ok, so i had cleaning day. scrubbed the toilet, swept the floors, wiped the mirror and the counter, folded the laundry, and cleaned the steps. i noticed that our dog wubit has been shedding profusely and causes quite a bit of the furr dust in the house, so i took her outside and gave her a good rub down with my fingers seeing as we do not have a dog brush O.o but it was kinda funny, she made a dog fur snow outline in the shape of her but! XD

pictures! :D i made this hat! meg, at leak, inspired me to make it. its not really the best hat, it was my first try, but i kinda like it. it sorta looks like its supposed to be...how to put it...not right? broken? injured? XD

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

turning weakness into strength

ok so! i need control, i need to be healthy, i need to stop being a fat ass unruly eater. i regret to inform you all, those panties i was so happy that i once again fit...are currently no longer wearable. (i italicize currently seeing as im set on making that change) i cant get my fat ass in them O.o yes, i have put on THAT much weight, oh goodness help me! how on this earth am i still tolerating myself? i had stopped wearing them after i began self recov, i felt i didnt deserve to wear them because of how horrid my intake was. well, after my shower i put them on and i could not, for the life of me, get my ass to fit in the dam things! and believe me i TRIED! i didnt want it to be true. i tried and tried hoping that maybe if i tuck my ass fat in here and tugged a little there, that maybe, just maybe, it will fit; to no avail. shit, ive undone all my hard work! recovery does not mean eat like a pig and it definitely does not mean to binge, its all just making me hate myself all the more. so, back to counting cals. im on ABC again! modified ABC mind you, im still shooting for recov =) haha isnt it neat? i will be finishing ABC on halloween.

oh goodness, ive had such a rough couple weeks! ive confronted boyfriend about his pill highs and unfortunately this took place on the morning of his birthday. i just couldnt keep it to myself. it was a now or never situation. if i can speak, i need to speak or i never will. so i took advantage my emotional readiness and spoke my mind. it was a one sided argument; mostly i was the scolding girlfriend but i dont care, it needed to be addressed. to put it our conversation short i basically said "choose me, or the pills". i told him "this is the same stuf i went through with my father as a child. he would fall asleep all over the place, wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me to cook him food only for him to fall asleep in it and id have to clean it all up...i refuse to make the same mistake as my mother. as weak as everyone thinks i am, im stronger than that." i emphasised that i dont want to be jerked around, no hiding, no pretending its going to stop when its not. i told him he needs to let me know what he is going to do. i also made sure he knows how much i love him and that it will not/hasnt changed. if i have to, i will leave. im not going to do this every month, im just not. i hope it doesnt come to that because i love him with all my heart and it will be so hard to know i failed my first relationship. i always wanted to make the right choice and fall in love with my eyes open. i didnt want to be love blind in my first relationship and i hope i havent been. i hope the good boy he really is can pull through and chose me. i wanted my first relationship to be my last, i really want to marry him and make a life with him! so, i only have left to wait and see if ive failed or succeeded.

on the bright side, he cheered up later that night after work =) i spent the whole day baking his birthday cake. i was upset but after i got it all out i was able to be ok. im not one of those people that holds a grudge and keeps being upset. im only that way if i havent had a chance to really get it out. i would put up a pic of the cake but ug, i dont wanna look at food right now i feel so gross :P but if you wanna see it click the smiley (^-^)

i want my tiny ass and cute boobs back

ok, so much for the new outlook on recovery. i HATE it!!! i miss everything, i miss control, i miss my bones, i miss my happiness, i miss my STRENGTH, i miss my almost thinness, i MISS ME!!! i HATE ME!!! i dont like all this on me, its not who i am, i feel like someone else. my face is chubby, my ass is huge, my arms are flab, im getting chin fat, dont even get me started on my thighs and tummy...no actually its a fucking belly now! and omgosh ive got vaginal fat O.O i just miss it all. im so weak right now, ive been using recovery as my cover up for the binges but you know what? im so not in recovery at all. im at the phase of anorexia where you seem normal to the untrained eye. im just a big joke. a big fat ass joke that jiggles when she laughs. i have no control, i eat and dont check calories, i dont restrict, i eat mayo and butter and whole or 2% milk, i eat chocolate and ice cream, i eat fried foods, im a big FAT failure. i miss my little cute tiny ass, flat minimally concave tummy, inch separated thighs and my almost non existent boobs. yes, i like them small. im a little self conscious that they are small or almost nonexistent because i know people judge that, but i actually really like them better that way. theyre so cute when theyre almost gone! ^__^

anyways, i wont ramble on and on about how much a hate me because ive done it already and im sure you dont wanna hear more. well, im off like a dirty shirt!

new thoughts, new me

so...ive been eating disordered since the age of 12. it really became full blown at 14-15; it has been SO very long. i never really thought anything was wrong until 17 when i really started thinking about things. at 17 my thought processes became deliberate, not subconscious. i think back and i wonder, when did it all start? i cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "wow, you look good!" i cant remember ever feeling good about myself. the thoughts i remember are feeling i was fat, weak, too shy for my own good. i never thought id ever get the chance to know love because im not good enough for it. im worthless weak and definitely too much for any one person to handle if they knew everything there is to know about me.

i hide things in fear of rejection. ive hidden so much that when i think "ok, he knows me completely now, ive nothing to hide." something shows itself that ive forgotten or have put off. i mean, im not saying my anorexia is something i simply forgot to mention, not at all. i hid that with purpose. but there is always something hiding in the back of my mind waiting to be remembered, confronted; waiting to explode. first it was my contradicting darkness and all my oddities, then it was my depression, then my cutting, now my ED. what else have i got that threatens to isolate me? am i going to go completely insane and turn into a vegetable? alot of time i feel like i could and may very well be traveling to insanity. i feel...not right...up there...just not right.

from the time boyfriend asked me to be his, ive always said that if we ever separate, itll be because of something ive done. maybe not something ive done purposefully like cheat or steal, but something ive caused. i proved myself right, i have never wanted to leave him but i have given him reason, twice, to leave me if he saw fit...but at my surprise, he stays...that makes me happy. it makes me feel i can stop worrying and fearing loneliness because i wont ever be alone again. but the closer i get, the more i keep things to myself. and ive done that for so many years, ever since i was a little girl, that i think i cant take it for very long anymore. i have emotional breakdowns. the first time i started feeling things and actually crying when i needed to, was when i met boyfriend 2 years ago...he made me weak...i dont know how, but he has. my mom sees it, my brother sees it, even i see it. why does love make a person weak?

well, this was a depressing one wasnt it? it wasnt supposed to be. it was supposed to be a happy one at my new feelings toward recovery. haha well, despite the mood this post sets, im in a happy, quite ok mood this evening. ive got on a new outlook and im going to give recovery the best shot ive ever given it yet! wish me luck girls!

drunken fireworks and virgin guy friends

last night me and boyfriend went to the webn firework show. it was amazing! so many fireworks ive never seen! they even timed it with the music, it was neat =) there were some bad things to it though :P we sat on a wall and it seemed fine and good until a drunk guy shows up. he was with the people that were below us at our feet. he stunk bad of alcohol and was SO drunk! he kept wobbling all over the place and rubbing up against my legs every time. when he finally went to sit down he fell on the teenage boy on the ground below the wall next to me! then he puts his feet on the kids outstretched legs and also spills the rest of his voka on the poor kids shorts! O.o ok and as if that wasnt enough, he decides to grab my dangling foot and PULL it almost yanking me off the wall! had i not grabbed hold of boyfriend with one hand and the wall with the other, id've fell on his 2 children and goodness PLEASE forbid, him! O.O i was listening to my ipod while we waited for the fireworks to start and it happened so fast that by the time i realized what was happening, it was over. had i figured it out sooner id've shoved my dirt filled conversed foot into his drunken vodka face!!! i wanted to SO badly! later he was bent over with his ass in the poor boys face, i really wanted to just tap his but with my shoe just enough to send him tumbling over. he was barely keeping his balance anyway i doubt he wouldve known he was pushed, but i didnt want to potentially be the girlfriend who get her boyfriend into a fist fight XD

ive been doing better as of late =) i lost a little and have been eating healthier yay! haha so im pleased with myself! i hope this lasts i really do, i hate feeling so depressed and down. i like feeling in control of myself and less stressed =)

i made a really cool friend!!! :D i love him i really do XD in no way romantically, i love him in the way i love all my friends. he's 20 and a virgin! can you believe that?! that was the thing that caught me to continue talking to him. he is waiting for that one girl and i find that so noble of him. ive been trying to help him find a good girlfriend cuz he had one but she dumped him. he's really such a sweet person at heart and he should have a kind cute girl i think ^_^ i met him online and he live about a half hour from me! i really wish we could meet but i dont think it will happen. i have a boyfriend now and i hate to admit it because it mean i have to follow it, but i would defo feel a pang of jealousy if boyfriend met a girl online and wanted to meet her. so i gess our friendship is staying within the internet.


a photo i took of a butterfly at coney island =)

oh! and i caught the ending of a commercial on A&E and i swear it said "food fearing". but now that ive looked everywhere and i cant find it, im not sure if thats just what i heard and it was actually something else or if its real. does anybody else know??

its almost winter and i want to dress like a bear or a silly girl with a unicorn on her coat!!!

ive noticed that i get severe cramping immediately after a bowel movement. its pretty much every time and it hurts so bad. not really stomach cramps, id say it feels more like my intestines have been knotted up or slit open in at least 3 random spots each time. and sometimes i swear it is almost as if my stomach needs to be filled with waste O.O it seems that after it empties, it collapses or something. i dont know how else to put it but it is quite painful to say the least! it often hurts badly to breathe so im forced to take short breaths. no doubt its from eating the greasy foods as ive been, its time to stop! its time to be healthy and start trying again. ive been lacking in motivation and just watching my body turn to crap hating it all the while. its time to put my foot down! i dont feel like me anymore and that collapsedstomachcrampsslits, whatever it was, is my body saying it misses my healthy intake and it is "politely" informing me that IM MAKING IT SICK! i need to take care of myself so that i can love myself, agreed? "yes" moving on.

now that thats taken care of i will say that i am not making any more diet plans or making myself a set of rules as i often do. no, not this time. it is too soon for yet another "plan to success" that i will fail. i am not going to focus on calories, as hard as that will be i need to let that go as best i can. i will not focus on anything. right now i just need to focus on staying healthy, not eating till im stuffed, getting rid of those horrible painful whatevertheyare's, and being able to feel like me again. for the second time, agreed? "yes"

my thighs touch again, how horrid, and my stomach folds when i sit...i swore i was over 100lbs now but i gess its all in my broken eyes. i asked boyfriend
"how much do you think ive gained since we fought??"
"oh i dunno, 4lbs?" i made a shocked face because i swore i was at least 105 again. my face slowly turned to a look of disgust after i realized it still meant ive gained. though i knew that, its horrible to hear.
"what babe?"
"nothing."
"you shouldnt ask me questions like that. its hard to answer because any amount i say your going to not like it."
"i know, i wont ask you anymore. i just really wanted to know a non-biased opinion since i dont have a scale and i REALLLLY want to know how much i weigh."
he's right though, i shouldnt put him on the spot and i wont anymore, i just needed to know for myself.

i was about 93~94. -94 last time i weighed but im not sure if i lost one more before our fight-
and he says i gained about 4. -ill say 5 since i figure he went a litto lower so to not hurt my feelings as much. plus it feels like 4lbs is just too little compared to how gross i got-
so i think its safe to say im about 98-99lbs now. -ill go with 99-
fucking sucks! ive got to get back to my lowest healthy weight which is 95. i cant stand the way my thighs rub, the way my tummy folds over and leaves a red crease when i stand up. and i for sure cant stand the way my tummy hangs to one side when i lay on my left or my right in bed! ug! its so embarrassing!

and oh no! winter is coming! O.O ah!!! i wish i could hibernate through the cold XD last winter i didnt have my own coat or boots, it was the first cold winter id ever experienced, so i had to use boyfriends megadeth sweater and his moms boots. i did love wearing his sweater ^__^ heehee, though i do want to sometimes look *cough* girly *coughcough* haha i hope i can find a good cheap payless pair of boots and nice thrift shop coat. and mayyybe if im lucky and i get money by then i really want this cute furry fuzzy bear/rabbit sweater! theres pink, white and black for rabbit, and brown white, black for bear =)


and i absolutey LOVE this old fashioned lolita coat too...if it wasnt so dam expensive id be ALL OVER IT!!!

me

hey girls. i wish i could say things are better but they are not. i dont understand what is wrong. just, so many things are going wrong. i feel depressed all the time and i hate it...im so tired of life. i am young, im 21 for fuck sake, i shouldnt know this feeling but i do. im in my early 20's i should be living life to the fullest, laughing, smiling, feeling the sun, being invincible...but instead i feel life is pointless, i laugh in moments that last a few seconds and ditto for smiles. i am by no means invincible. i feel fragile, weak, like i could shatter at the smallest shout. everything hurts, everything saddens me, everything feels like this is heading no where. i was recently told by a friend, basically in so many words, that i am weak, fake, heavily influenced, easily hurt and that one would like to think i am my own person but it seems the opposite. i am weak, ill give her that much, but fake? influenced? not my own person? i thought she knew me. i am fake in terms of hiding my pain to the best of my ability, smiling and laughing when i hurt inside. but i AM my own person! i locked myself away from people for so many years because i was sick of people and of being told that i am not myself, being told that i take on and copy others. well i was young, 12, its what kids do. but i had a mature sense of self and i hated being told those things. so in an effort to fix it and prove them wrong, i stayed away from people to try to discover what was me, what i liked and disliked as myself. and as a result i am an odd weird girl that everyone sees as "different". and i dont see that as a bad thing at all, not one bit, i like it. i love it! i AM my own person! and here it is happening again. someone is telling me i am not me and it hurt. and when i expressed that hurt i was next told that i hurt too much.

i am so confused! i was told that i should never hold things in for i suffer emotional breakdowns, which is true. i was told that i had no need to hold my feelings in because i will be comforted, loved, understood. so i start to let them out, slowly learning how because it was never something i was capable of. (that is until i met boyfriend in '08, he weakened me somehow, everyone says so and i see it too.) but then i speak of my hurt feelings and am told i let too much out, that being nice to me all the time isnt possible...i dont like this. i dont like being jerked around all the time. my emotions are fragile, ive carried them since i was a little girl and to let them out is hard, there are few people who get the opportunity to see the hurt i hold. i cant do this in-out-in-out, its just breaking me.

there is a fast food restaurant opening near our house and its walking distance. im going to apply and i really hope i get the job, you have no idea how bad. i dont care about the money except to pay for a psychiatrist. i really really really reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally need and want one so badly! if i could ask for that for Christmas, i WOULD and it would be the only thing i ask for! it is the only place my emotions and feelings are safe. the only place i can let myself relax and let go and get help. no one else knows how to help me. no one else wants to try, or to understand, or to let me let it out so that i can feel some sort of peace. all they know is that it is too much, and they would rather disregard my past hardships which i NEED addressed and understood. i need someone to try to understand not to push me away. im so so tired of being pushed away or made to be quiet. things need to be addressed and taken care of or i will never be able to live and be how everyone needs/wants me to be.

also one of the things that bothers me most is the fact that all people see in my eating disorder is fat/skinny/too skinny/healthy/unhealthy/sickly, but that isnt what this is about. i need/needed to know -for. my. self.- that i can be strong. i can not eat if i choose to, i can resist it if i want to. no one else can do that beside people like us. it isnt about fat or skinny for me. when i see that ive gained i dont hate it because im ugly in physical appearance of vanity, i hate it because it shows how weak ive been and i am tired of being that weak little girl everyone sees when they look at me. the more bones i see the stronger i know ive become. "i dont have to eat if i dont want to eat and no one else can do that so dont you tell me i am weak!" is basically how it is.

as a result of all things said, i have decided that from now on i am going to significantly diminish any signs of weakness that i portray to anyone who is not a therapist. from now on, this is where all my energy will be going:
1. no more crying
a. unless alone
b. if i cant hold it back, i must go take a walk. crying cannot be seen by those close to me.

2. no more displaying of hurt feelings
a. i will smile in the face of hurt
b. laugh act normal as if nothing is wrong

3. no more anger

4. no more disappointment

5. no more over eating or eating of large calories
a. no greasy food
b. fried foods will be occasional
c. no more meat

who am i? i am me. this is me:
female
japanese/british
5 foot 1.5 inches
98lbs
small-x small in blouses
size 1 in jeans
small feet, size 5

at parties and gatherings i hide from people to avoid conversation and stick close, almost clingingly, to whoever it is i am with. i am quiet and i stumble over words when you meet me. i usually cant think of anything to say so i keep my mouth shut for fear of embarrassment and just wait until you speak to me. and even at that i dont say much. in result, many mistake it as dislike or hatred when, in fact, i am just a shy girl. i am the girl you see that you want to protect, the girl who is helpless, timid and shy. the girl you can barely hear but a whisper from and who could yell as loud as she wanted in a library and no one would hear a peep.

when you get to know me i learn to talk and to be loud and you wonder how it ever was that i didnt speak. you see the oddities in me that make you smile, my little quirks and interests that you find unique. i start to have my moments of boldness and times when i can speak out. the more comfortable i get the more i am pushed away, the more people dislike me. perhaps this is the reason for my shyness. i suppose it acts as a wall.

as for my likes:
i like BOYFRIEND, books, TEA, games, shows, ribbons, BOWS, clips, HATS, socks, thigh-highs, dogs, ferrets, strawberries, blueberries, muffins, cookies, OATMEAL RAISIN ANYTHING, rainbows, birds, MIA, fake jewelry, love, COLORS, happiness, smiles, the gazette, laughter, bones, CONTROL, thin, POETRY, nature, leaves, PARKS, swings, slides, beaches, FOOD, swimming, sand, coral, fish, seaweed, stars, the moon, blood, ANA, cuts, wounds, GIRUGAMESH, hunger, zucchini, STRENGTH, lettuce, GRANOLA, bananas, WRITING, grapes, raisins, MUESLI, dehydrated blueberries, letters, perfume, skirts, blouses, beads, VINTAGE, owls, cross stitch, knitting, CROCHET, rubber bands, plastic tree, sakura, edamame, MOCHI, saba, kimono, kanji, ROMANCE, thrift shops, THERAPY, dates at the park, KISSES, hugs, UNDERSTANDING, support, acceptance, photographs, abandoned places, pet shops, anime, manga, japanese metal, DAVID BOWIE, lolita, cosplay, bunnies, butterflies.

my dislikes:
DRUGS, alcohol, lying, cheating, anger, CRYING, feelings, emotions, negativity, yelling, MEN, people, weakness, FOOD, darkness, loneliness, helplessness, worthlessness, hatred, fear, anxiety, SPIDERS, ants, centipedes, MIA, rich blond bitches like paris hilton, mia, disregarding peoples feelings, PEOPLE that smoke PAKALOLO around NON-smokers, people who insist on me drinking, ANA, people who INSIST that i take pills, people who get drunk, people who act stupid, headaches, anemia, hospitals, doctors, dentist, medication, TREES AT NIGHT, when those close to me dont believe in me, ROCKS UNDER THE WATER, being called fake, being isolated, NOT HAVING THERAPY, not being understood, not having support, not having love, not having boyfriend