untitled

The cold has brought, with it, a sadness. Things I remember that I wish and pray I could forget.

I've never had seasonal depression. I think the closet thing to that I've ever experienced was that first Christmas without my father and every year on Christmas Day I feel a tug of sadness for the family I once had and the sanity I once possessed.

Winter used to be a joyful, nostalgic time for me. It was mine and mum's favourite time've year. I welcomed it happily. Now, I find, I am fighting disturbing memories of certain happenings.

This time last year I was living on a beautiful street in a not-so-good neighbourhood. It was a diamond in the rough so to speak. A small strip of old buildings and shops which take you away, seperating you from the scum that makes up the rest've the city: a small Italian diner, a hidden German bistro, an inspiring stained glass workshop, a small pet groomers, vintage and op shops etc. ...and a coffee shop.

That coffee shop became my safe place in the mess of things that were taking toll in my life then. It was a friendly place where I could spend hours upon hours reading their dictionary, observing the paintings, smelling the soothing aroma of the different blends've coffee they offered. I would try a new beverage each visit, then log it down in an attempt to try every one they had. It was my safe place. I adored and cherished it with my whole heart.

I met a man there. An older man. Old enough to be my father. He was an artist and he was the maker of most've the work in the shop. I was inspired instantly and looked up to him seeing as one've my impossible dreams is to sell a few've my works and have them hang in someone's home. Needless to say I was thrilled when he decided to take me under his wing, to help me better my use of charcoal, pastels and paint. Along with a mentor, I saw a father figure and someone who cared.

I frequently walked over to his studio beneath the café. More often than not, it was late at night between 11pm and 3am. There were two occasions where I was too tired to go home {5am}, and so I slept there.

I knew he took nude photography: a woman in the wood, women in ropes screaming in agony, a hopeless woman in a strait jacket, etc. I've seen nude photography and I love the beauty in the healthy human form. --Most likely b'coz I am not able to appreciate my own.-- I thought he must've had something dark within him, for in his photos of these women in agony, I saw myself. Nudity symbolising vulnerability, mixed with their distressed expressions and the far away look in their eyes. They were lonely to me; lonely, vulnerable, afraid and begging for a better life, for a happiness. I felt them. I was/am them.

One night he picked me up and sat me on his lap, holding me close. I suppose he took my saying I was cold as incentive. I didn't think anything. I was cold and he often hugged me. Sitting there in his lap, in his arms, I fought back tears. Tears of what I am still unsure. I felt like a small girl, a child again, sitting in daddy's lap, being comforted b'coz I'd had a bad dream. Maybe they were tears of finding something which had been lost. Tears of a sad joy to make up for lost time.

I was simply an unknowing prey.

He took advantage of me. He was one of two around this time last year.

Another male, whom I trusted, took advantage of me. He was becoming my best friend. Apparently that was not what he wanted.

I hope this feeling of dread and this feeling if being a slut doesn't last the whole winter... I cannot bare this feeling.

It is so dark.

something special for the not-so-special

Last night was horrible. I felt so trapped inside my body. I felt like I was being smothered and suffocated; I began to've difficulty breathing. It was most likely the beginning of an anxiety/panic attack, it was frightening none the less. I kept pulling at my skin and fat. I knew it wouldn't just magically come off but I did it subconsciously. I hadn't realised what I was doing and when I did, I stopped; then began again without realising, then stopped again, and so on. Fighting tears and holding in screams of desperation. I am never so scared as when my mind takes over, blurring the line separating reality and insanity. I am falling into a fog.

My mind has rules:

I do not eat crisps

I do not eat chips

I do not cook with the use of oil or butter

I do not eat fast food

I do not eat cheese

I do not eat beef

I do not eat pork

I do not eat fowl

I do not eat game

I do not eat bread

At any point I may break those rules, during a binge or in a phase of stupidity, I feel such guilt and shame and a need to be punished. If I mistakenly think it'll be alright to have any of those things, I still have to hide while I have them. I can't stand to have anyone know I have them at any point. It's the worst shame.

Boyfriend took his dogs for a walk, and in a moment which can only be described as stupidity, I opened a personal sized bag've crisps. I had nearly finished them when e walked in. I was so ashamed I couldn't finish the bag. I thought: Damit all...now what? He's caught me. I must look like such a fat pig right now. I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't eat these and here I am stuffing my puffed up face adding it to my disgusting flabby stomach and ass. The guilt if being caught or possibly being caught is overwhelming.

That thing around my neck has such a hold on me as well. I've been slowly adding to my pendant tin. The more I add to it, the more aware I am of it, and the more I feel as if it's watching me. I can't look at it dangling around my neck when I become a disgusting thing, binging in secret. When I look at it as I'm eating, I feel guilt and shame.

I do not want food;

I need it.

Food is not for taste;

But for nourishment.

Ps- I went out to but myself something special today! I got a cheap set've tube paints and brushes! I only got a $10 set b'coz I'm not worthy of anything better. Plus I've already quality set which I inherited. That's at home with my mum.

I don't deserve it after that crisp episode so I am waiting until tomorrow to use it. If I'm good tonight and tomorrow, I'll get myself a beautiful black art journal. I saw one today, like I've dreamt've having since I can remember! But the bloody thing was $25! I've got a 50% off coupon I'll use tomorrow. IF I'm GOOD. And ONLY if I'm good.

Exercise and ice shower here I come. Black coffee for breakfast tomorrow.

suspicions arousing, good gracious

My coworker, Berry, often talks about working out, eating right, etc. I told him excitedly last night about my accomplishment.

I can finally do 25 pushups without a problem! Though you can't see any muscle just yet.
You know you can't build muscle without protein? You don't eat enough- meat, just saying. {I believe he caught himself with the addition of meat}

Also, he usually halves a broken cookie with me if one happens to be there. There was a peanut butter one. He offered and I declined.

Are you sure?

I nod and keep with my tea.

It's peanut butter what's wrong with you?!

I laugh. I had one earlier I'm good on cookies for today. -lie-

So? Why limit yourself? You of anyone needs to eat more- cookies. {he caught himself again and added cookies, I think} Your friggin skinny!

Stop it! I laugh and leave it at that.

I'm not that skinny, really. How does he think that?

I don't ever say anything about food/health/weight unless he does b'coz I don't need any suspicion arousing about me having any sort've ED. There is already a rumour going that I am not who I used to be, I don't work well anymore, I am two-faced, I SH. Well that last one is true but none of their business.

Berry has said something before as well. During a conversation on vegetarianism, in a spur-the-moment mistake, I said that I was surprised at how much weight I lost just from not eating land animals or anything containing high fructose corn syrup. His response was: it's not a bad thing to gain weight you know, especially for you. I responded with a sentence that came out rather like a skippy CD with scratches: O-oh I know. I j- I just meant- I wasn't- you know, doing it for that. I- I feel better when I don't have those things...It's healthier for the body. -divert convo away from me- Did you know pescetarian cultures live healthier lives longer than those who eat land animals?

Also happened a few days ago when boyfriend's friend, Dave, stayed over during a mix up with both his parents and ex throwing him out. {He knows of my previous eating troubles b'coz boyfriend vented to him the first time around when our relationship was hell.} I was just getting over feeling sick from the Vicodin and was conversing with boyfriend saying: I guess I should watch what I eat huh?

Dave: Why do you need to watch what you eat now?

Me: I meant b'coz I'm still sick. You know? Should I eat something like...soup vs...oh I don't know...raw carrots.

He put my mind in a spin for a second, feeling as if I was under scrutiny, standing under a microscope with a spotlight on me, crowd cheering: say the wrong thing! Prove to everyone you've still an ED! Screw yourself over b'coz you're definitel not smart!

I can't remember what our convo was exactly but in so many words he also essentially accused me of pretending feeling sick.

I wasn't upset by it though, just frazzled to find the right explanation that wouldn't come out as a cover-up, b'coz it wasn't, and isn't. Yes, I still have an ED. But at current, it is sadly bulimia and I am trying desperately to stop this b'coz I cannot stand the guilt! There is such guilt with it and it takes over my mind. Guilt to eat b'coz I eat bad things and too much of them, and guilt b'coz I waste food others who need it could be having. I could be buying the food I waste for homeless children instead've my fat pig face for bloody sake!

As much as I've eaten in all my binges put together, I could've probably fed an entire family for at least a month or two...or three, who knows.

Vicodin sick and all, I was rather concerned about what was spinning through boyfriend's head. So I asked him: do you think I'm too skinny too? I mean I eat just fine you've seen it. He said we'd talk about it later but I wanted to know then. Please? Just tell me have I gotton smaller since? He said I have but he said I looked fine and he still wanted to help me stop. {meaning my binges}.

Though I'm happy to say I've done better these past few days and I hope I keep getting better!

Monday I am off!!! Planning on something special as demanded by Peri ^__^ I'm hoping to get an art journal and some watercolours. Now we'll see if I follow through!

today's weather forecast: guilt showers

And my mind says to me:

You are not worth anything.

You do not deserve anything.

You do not need anything,

And don't you dare want anything.

Don't you dare!

You are nothing and undeserving of anything.

I think this is why I make plans to get myself something nice, or when I actually do get something for myself, I feel a dark stormy cloud of guilt hang over me. I've recently graduated to being able to buy myself produce and cheap litto flea market finds without guilt. But anything more than $20 is a major guilt shower!

Peri: my email is kii_puppy@ymail.com

vicodin has set straight my binge cycle

"Nothing in the world scares me as much as bulimia. It was true then and it is true now. But at some point, the body will essentially eat of its own accord in order to save itself. Mine {is begining} to do that. The passivity with which I speak here is intentional. It feels very much as if you are possessed, as if you have no will of your own but are in constant battle with your body, and you are losing. It wants to live. You want to die. You cannot both have your way. And so bulimia creeps into the rift between you and your body and you go out of your mind with fear. Starvation is incredibly frightening when it finally sets in with a vengeance. And when it does,you are surprised. You hadn't meant this. You say: Wait, not this. And then it sucks you under and you drown." -- Marya Hornbacher {Wasted}

Hannah- "How does it happen? Starving to death..."
Jordan-  "...There are three stages. Right now your body is living off of stored calories from the last time you ate. The fat in your body is decreasing as your system consumes it. Your blood pressure is dropping and the overall temperature of your body has gone down. And the second stage can last for several weeks. After loosing all the fat your body will begin to burn muscle mass. You will become weaker. Because of the low blood pressure, you will get dizzy; prone to fainting. You will have to be careful when you move, careful when you stand. Your liver stops producing ketones and glucose. You could experience muscle aches, sensitivity to noise, headaches, irritability, depression, hysteria. The non-essential proteins are the first to go, so basically your body stops paying attention to the things that don't matter. It's only focus becomes staying alive. In the end your body searches for sustenance, anywhere it can find it. In the third stage, your entire system will begin to shut down, your metabolic rate decreases as your organs begin to shrink. The essential proteins are the last to go until eventually all cell function stops as your body basically canabolizes itself." Hunger {film}

My litto tin is working. I've been able to keep in mind what I am working for. I am reclaiming myself if I have to fight for the rest've my life. I am tired of saying: Tomorrow I'll do better, screw today I've messed up royally I may as well keep going. NO! I will not keep going! If I screw up, I screw up. No giving up and deciding it's pointless to keep going and try again tomorrow. That does not exist. Giving up does not exist! Starting tomorrow does not exist! 1,000+kcal in one day is not an option.

I want everything to fall into place like before. I'm tired've crying, tired've fighting, tired've trying. I want to just do, not try. Try shouldn't be in my vocabulary for fuck sake!

I had a taste of hell yesterday. R needs Vicodin for his ankle {he had reconstructive surgery a few years ago and the pins are backing out've his ankle}. His mom had given him a couple of her pills for something I can't remember, it was a while ago, but he wasn't feeling well so she gave him something. He had a dr appointment along with a drug test. They want to be sure he is taking the Vicodin and not selling them. Well it turns out, along with the Vicodin, they saw those pills his mom gave him a month ago. He needed to go back today for a re-test and if it was still there, they'd cut him as a patient. B'coz he's been doing well and I am proud of his dramatic change, I did something I never thought I'd ever do. I mean NEVER!

I covered for him: took a Vicodin so I could pee in a cup for him. It scared me to hell, I can't lie about that! I was very nervous. 
 I asked him what it would do to me b'coz I don't want to experience being high.
He said: It's going to make you feel good.
I said: I don't want to feel good!!!
Well I got what I wanted...
I took one. We went to the grocery for some soup, beets and carrots. Got home, began organising the cupboard so my soups could fit and began seeing double! I felt really lightheaded and dizzy. I had to sit down and call R ASAP for help. I spent the rest've the night in bed trying not to get sick everywhere and endured an odd twisting gashing stomach pain. I couldn't even have water without it causing pain and nausea. All I was able to have yesterday was an apple and some miso shiru.
He's apologised numerous times saying: I'm so sorry I didn't know it would do this to you. When they first gave them to me I experienced euphoria, not this!
During a calm moment I looked up any bad side effects and it said some people get them and need to remember their dr prescribed it for a reason and to hang in there until the body adjusts to the new medication. Hell I don't care if I am ever prescribed Vicodin, I will never ever take it again!!! I told him he better never forget this!
The good thing is that my mind can rest at ease knowing he is tested randomly. I won't ever have to worry about any pill-induced violence anymore. Not to mention being literally unable to eat yesterday cut my cycle I believe. My tummy wasn't right still today. I didn't even think about food.

spells of the imagination

 

"So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding wonderfully if only you were interested in them."

 

"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

Sylvia Plath is such an amazing writer! I only wished I'd had enough time to've finished The Bell Jar before the library needed it back.

 

I feel rather ill this evening. I think it was something I ate...or one've the countless things I ate, or the multitude of what I ate, I don't know which. Probably all of the above I would imagine. Today is Sweetest Day {or so I found out just a few hours ago}. When I came home Malia {my lovable, trustworthy, ever loyal German Shepherd soft toy} was positioned atop've my baby blanket which was curiously draped over my pillow. When I picked up the blanket to cover her, I found beneath it were one've those large bakery cookies with Happy Sweetest Day written on it in a beautiful pink frosting. I felt so happy and guilty and sad all at once. After all I'd eaten I felt like a mother whale who was due to give birth any second. Cept in my case it'd be food...and it'd be coming out've my mouth b'coz there was no way I could fit anything else in that wonderful bottomless pit've mine. My body was about to reject everything. I didn't think there was any way I could, but despite my pain and mental torment, I had a piece b'coz I do love him and I was touched by the thought and idea that I got something special. It's a wonder to me how I didn't explode everywhere. I am always so ashamed of my binging. I always wish I could tell him, or tell someone, but I just can't. I wish, sometimes, that someone could install a zipper and lock on my lips and carry the key for me, locking it when I am in binge mode.

 

 

It may be silly of me, but I am going to put together a spell. I found this tiny tin pendent at the craft shop a while ago. I am going to write some things on a nice piece've paper, burn it and put the ashes inside along with some fur from my dog and fibers from Malia. Then I am going to drip some wax over it to seal my words. I'll wear it always and keep it near me at all times. Maybe the mental idea've it will be good for me. A reminder. I figure the words make the meaning, the fur and fibers bring it to life, and the wax is like a bonding agent to solidify the words.

 

I'm not sure yet if I want to keep what I write on the paper secret, or whether I will share it here.

dragon lady strikes again!

 

 

I've lost a pound and I didn't binge today! I've to say I was a bit worried but I didn't think I would. It didn't feel like a binge day to me.

 

At 3 o'clock today, I walked into a bundle of complaints and bouts of disapproval mixed in with accusations under the pretense of concern.

 

My lovely boss told me last night not to use any of our cloth rags to wipe up anything that would stain them and make them unusable b'coz she'd failed to order a box of them for the week. It is my job to scrub out the oven every night and keep the dragon lady from unleashing her cold heartless words of hate and belittlement. Now we've already run out've our green scratchy pads which leaves me with lousy thin paper towels that flatten and dissolve into tiny crumbly bits which I'll just have to scoot out along with all the other dead pieces of food. It gives absolutely no help in scrubbing a filthy oven of it's crusty burnt up layer of blackened cheese and tomato sauce that sits in it's belly like a dried up tar pit. She decided that she didn't like looking at it, b'coz it really is a disgusting site, and so I am the obvious one to blame. I stood up for myself:

 

The oven wasn't done last night I don't know what's goin on.

We've been out've the green scrath pads so I had to use paper towels and that didn't really work, but-- {I was going to say that since we've more rags tonight it'd look better, but she cut me off}

Well there was five rags left over! Ya coulda used one!

You said not to wipe up anything nasty with them.

There was FIVE left!!!

 

After speaking my peace, I sort've just stood there letting her ramble on, moving into how I don't clean down the pans at all and how I never wash the tea containers out. I know for a fact I do, they are bleached out every night and spotless. In fact, my coworker was just saying to me a few nights earlier that I am the only one who does it. I stayed for a short while but didn't feel like listening to anymore. She was taking too long with her nonsense. I just left her to stew in her own words leaving her behind without a word. I have to say I did laugh a litto to myself as I walked away. It's funny to hear the almighty dragon lady going on and on about ill-founded things as I walk away. She had absolutely no idea I was gone; went on for some time, in fact. I'd gotton halfway through an order by time she realised it I'm sure. There was no sound way she could be angry with me about it b'coz for all she knows, I tried to tell her, I had customers to help, but she just wouldn't shut up long enough.

 

Furthermore, she decided to attack my personal life --yet again-- asking how everything was at home. I didn't understand at first, but after a few seconds I realised she was referring to a story I'd made up to explain my reason for not answering my phonewhen my coworker called on my personal time, and why I said: I turned it off b'coz I hate people and didn't want to speak to anyone. I'd told her some rubbish fib about being upset b'coz my mum's husband was treating her badly and not supporting her. It was simply shoving a gag in her mouth so she'd stop poking into my personal business, trying to figure out why I'm "acting out" standing up for myself. Anyhoot, after yelling at me about the oven and me walking away to help customers, she aked how everything was going. I knew it was clearly a ploy to basically say: Hey, you're acting out again, is there a reason???! Under the pretense of: I'm a caring boss and I really hope everything is okay.

 

Ya, okay, whatever you say... dragon lady.

 

I'm going to call this strike one.

Two more to go.

And then I walk out without a word.

Never to be seen again.

B'coz I hate that place and it's backstabbing untrustworthy workers.

That's what happens when you work in a place where everyone is related in one way or another... accept you.

goey chewy daemons and a prison dating service

I've been contemplating a tattoo for a long while now. I'm very indecisive and rather flowy on the things I like and dislike. My interests change so often that I am afraid I'll get a tattoo, absolutely love it to death, and then hate it a month later. I think if I ever got one it'd be a tree or a bird. Something small. Maybe on my neck or somewhere on my back so I could be sure it's covered no matter my work environment. Birds are a symbol of freedom and bliss to me and nature is a safe place in my mind thus trees.

 

I spiked and also binged today. It was torture, I wanted to cry all day b'coz I didn't like the feeling inside me. I started out in honesty, trying to up my calories to fit the lmit so I can lose again and to keep me from feeling dizzy, but of course the day I choose to actually have breakfast and plan to eat throughout the day, is the day we get in a new kind of cookie at work! Gah! My coworker took them out'vethe freezer taunting me: "Loook, we got new coookiesss." while I think "Shut the fuck up!!! And put those litto chocolate hockey puck daemons back where they came from! ...really? Did you really've to do that to me you asshole? If you hadn't've taken them out've the freezer, I'd've never known b'coz we're not selling them yet! But nooo, you just had to do that!" He wanted me to bake a tray, so I did. And I had a few {5!}. I thought I was just going to have one, but of course I had to try one as cookie dough and of course I just had to try on baked as well... you know where it went from there. But I have good feelings about tomorrow. It doesn't feel like a binge cycle usually does. I usually know when that is coming. Ugh, I'm so bloated. Sine I had unsafe food, I think my body is expecting to be sick b'coz {this sounds disgusting} I feel it right in my throat and when I get one've those bubbles of reflux or a sort've burp, I'm not sure what it is, it wants to come up -__- ugh.

Good news! I got a letter from my friend today! I've been waiting ever patiently for it to arrive! We've been pen pals for a few letters now ^__^ it's always exciting to get something other than bills in the mail! Something that's meaningful with words individually thought out and formed into sentences that are written specifically for you. I had to explain it to her a bit. She thought I was asking to give her a prison buddy to communicate with by letter! Heavens no! I wondered why she seemed weary of it, I would be too!

 

When my father was in prison, time before last, he was so excited to get out and the guards rushed him, that he forgot a box've letters and addresses that he'd had during his time there. That included my letters. Well his cell mate decided to send me a letter that started off like a dating site intro: My name is {let's go with Larry}, I am 24yrs old, I am 6' 2" with brown hair and brown eyes. I went to college and I'm educated. I got my bachelors degree, etc. He said things like how my father spoke of me often and how he thinks I am a beautiful person and wants to be friends and tried to say that my father said it was alright for him to contact me. Ha! My father isn't the best man or father in the world, but he'd never condone that in a million years and I know it. Safe to say I never mailed him back.

Ps- I must make this nifty mason jar tea light!

lines can kill

I've been well on not binging and've been brimming about that!!! I was doing fine until about 6p when I developed a splitting headache! I knew it was b'coz I hadn't slept very well last night and also hadn't eaten or drank. I had an apple in an attempt to silence the hammering noise in my head, but to no avail. I nibbled on plain lettuce and olive pieces throughout a 2 hour period to try to help it somehow. I must've been hungry b'coz the lettuce and olives tasted pretty good ^^  it did nothing for my headache, though it dulled it a tad. I started feeling dizzy and weak at 8:30p, that's when all the physical work begins for us: sweeping, mopping, lifting heavy boxes of bread dough and full metal tins of tea, etc. By the end've my shift it progressed to where I nearly got sick all over the floor O.o When I got home, R made some soba noodles, miso shiru and boiled carrots for me b'coz I was too sick to do it myself.

I am confused and a bit frustrated with my body. I've done super the past few days and yet I weighed-in at 98 today! My last weigh-in was 95. How can that be?! I've been having only dinner and I've been at least 100 calories under my limit {lose it! set 887 budget for me to get down to 90 by 16 November}. I weighed before having anything to eat or drink. I'm curious if it may be b'coz I've been eating the biggest meal at the end've the day? Today I'm under roughly 300 calories. Could it be that I am under all the time? Even on my b/p days I'm under at least 10 calories b'coz nothing stays in :( I can't help it, if I know it'll screw up my day I can't keep it. I just can't. I'll give this a week and see where it takes me. I guess I can't exactly throw this plan to the side after only 3 days :P If nothing changes I guess I'll try sticking as close to the limit as possible. I'm thinking I may be trying to drop my calories too quickly. I have a problem of never sticking to my limits. My mind begins to think that even low calorie is too high. I got so bad as to deny myself an apple b'coz it had too many calories...

I'm terrified of going back to that, of not being able to eat more than 200 calories a day... and yet, I am also afraid of being able to eat more than 800 calories. It's as if I am glad that I am afraid to eat too much, but I am afraid for when I can only eat too little.

I am still in touch with A, my second, now ex boyfriend. He always wants to know why we broke up and always says not knowing why torments and haunts him. He can't get over me. I could never tell him b'coz I never wanted to hurt his feelings or for him to see me for what I really am. He knows I have issues but he always makes light of them, as if it is possible for me to just stop or ignore them. If only it were that easy, I would. He would try to stop me from completing or participating in any've my OCD habits.

The worst incident for me: One day we were walking in town, looking for a place to hang out and get coffee, when he decided to pull my hand to make me step over a line with the wrong foot. That, in itself, annoyed me. He knew I can only step over lines and doorways with my left b'coz something bad will happen if I don't. Then I tried to fix it by going backwards and over it again; he didn't let me. He coaxed me to just keep walking. He kept walking saying, "Look, I'm doing it. Everyone does it. You can too!" I stood in front've the line, pondering the idea. Maybe it could be okay. After all, he was doing it, everyone else was doing it, why should I be the only one with the burden? I know in reality stepping over a line with my right foot instead've my left won't really cause anything bad to happen... but one has to wonder. After five long minutes, I agonisingly, nervously, fearfully stepped over it with the wrong foot and left it behind. What happens??? Not ten minutes later my mum calls me, upset, she tells me my grandfather has passed away. I still blame myself for that. It's idiocy b'coz I know a bloody line isn't going to cause my grandfather to pass a thousand miles away, but... I can't explain how it makes sense in my mind, it feels like I killed him. I want to be mad at A and blame him for it, but I can't b'coz I was selfish and wanted to be like everyone else so it's on me... And I feel guilt saying that it is idiocy or saying that I know I didn't do it b'coz it is my fault... but it's not... Oh look at me, fuck sake I'm losing it!

Anyhoot I sent A a long letter that I'd had written up for a while now. I've been scared and indecisive of whether or not I wanted to send it. Now that I have, I regret it. In it, I tell him why we broke up which is essentially my mental issues in type. All but anything about ED. He doesn't need to know that. He can know about SH, about my anxiety attacks, about my OCD, about my irrational fears and worries, about my fear of people, my practiced suicide rehearsals, even the voices in my head, but nothing about ED shall ever reach his mind. For some reason that is one I am never willing to leak.

snakes, cats and dragons, oh my!

 I AM getting an ear cuff! Not sure which one though, I like them all! I think I'm leaning toward the snake or the cat. The dragon would look better if it curled more into the ear like the snake does. Birds have always resembled freedom to me and as for the cat, I just like cats!

 

 

 

que rambling

I didn't bring home any book pets yesterday, but I did get a hat! It's always either a book {or 5} or a hat ^__^ Yesterday was tiring. I woke up much earlier than I'm used to. I usually wake just before work at around 1p. Although, I really do miss mornings, it's just not practical anymore. If I had my way, I' be sleeping at midnight and waking at 8a the very latest, but preferably half 5 to 6a. Unfortunately if I did that: I'd sitting up alone for 8hrs, going to work for 7hrs, then coming home in company for only an hour half before turning in for bed. As much as I say I need no one, I'd be lonely to only have R's company for an hour half each day. See, R doesn't sleep until 1a at earliest/8a latest b'coz he takes care've things watching after his mum, and doesn't wake until 1p earliest/3p latest depending on how late he slept.

WARNING: Boring material

Little info: R is my first boy. The one who originally gave me all the troubles; posting on other's blog pages, while engulfed in a high, typing hateful things to them disguised as me b'coz it was his idea that you all were at fault for my ED. What with his pill habit causing drama and violence like an emotional tornado, cycling hate words and flying hands at anything that evoked guilt or any utterance of anything he took to be accusation, and his controlling jealousy of anything with a male part having anything to do with me, I left...with the help of him throwing me out b'coz he snooped and found I was planning a stand up date with a jerk who insisted the size of his member was information I needed to know b'coz I am Japanese so obviously I've'nt experienced anything like him before to teach me a lesson. He had high hopes and knew thought I'd come back when he thought I was ready, for I had no where else to go. I didn't know anyone, I'd had no friends. To his shock, regret and surprise, I didn't come back.

Why on this blasted earth would I come back to someone who 1) threw me out with nothing, not so much as an extra set've unmentionables or socks and barely enough money for a room anywhere? 2) refused for a month to let me even get one pair've of extra clothes, and 3) physically hurt me over something so stupid like me not understanding his mumbled swollen tongued speech.

After being kicked out, I stayed the first night at a coworker's. For the next half month I unknowingly shared a motel room with bed bugs {the nasty fowl bloody bastards!!! I didn't figure it out until the second week}. There I lived poorly on one free coupon meal from McDonald's on my off days and one Subway meal if I worked {why I didn't use that time to just starve myself I'll never know}. I'd wash my only pair've unmentionables in the shower nightly before bed and wear them damp the next day. I remember walking down the street and stealing a change of day clothes and a change've sleep clothes from the Goodwill so I wouldn't have to sleep in mt work uniform. I then moved in with another coworker for a month where I actually did starve. Though, not b'coz I'd wanted to, but b'coz I was poor and living miles away from anything, I had no way to get any food. The girl that I lived with there was never home. I think I saw her twice the entire month, literally. Following that, I stayed a few days with a third coworker for the previous had been evicted due to the land lady's decision to sell. Lastly, I found a more secure place with yet another coworker for the remaining time.

I think I cried myself to sleep every night for several months b'coz've all the stress and anxiety I had.

For 6 months R and I were almost completely cut off from each other, without barely so much as a text "hellow". However, we spoke off and on throughout, usually ending with me in anger and ignoring him for another month. Then something changed. Whether it was regret that finally took him, remorse that cut his chain, or finally seeing that something which controls him to make him fire hate and violence at the very ones he holds closest is no way to live and no way to get me back. And I am not going to question it. It was almost a year that we'd been apart when I chose to come back. In fact, I believe it would've been but a few more days to've made it a year of separation. The feelings rejuvenated slowly, passing through a phase of renewed friendship. Most would say I am foolish for returning, but when a change this drastic occurs, how can it be ignored? He listens now, I can cry to him now, I can share and read to him my poetry, I can cook, I can go to the grocery and be allowed to eat the way I want, all things that would've never taken place in the past. I am also able to speak freely of my troubles with food and he now tries to help in any way possible. In the past, any mention of it would instantly send him on rampage! No matter of that though, I still cannot speak of anything really b'coz I am afraid of letting it out anywhere but here. However, when I am ready to admit I need help with binging, he stays with me so I can't. B'coz I refuse to let anyone see me in that state. The only bit've control I've left. The feelings toward him have changed b'coz he has changed. It's been 6 months now that I've been living here again and things are still doing well.

Anyhoot, that's the mush that's been on haha! All the hardship I endured really made me grow up, though I'm still a child I believe. Those were some dark times, but times I needed to form me into who I am.

Well, it's not the nicest weather here right now and it's making my bones ache pretty bad. I think I'm going to sit with some coffee and maybe have a cat nap before grocery.

soba tsuyu

almond milk

strawberries

oranges

I found this picture and thought I'd share.

色は匂へど散りぬるを  -  Even the blossoming flowers will eventually scatter

我が世誰ぞ常ならむ  -  Who in our world is unchanging?

有為の奥山今日越えて  -  Today we cross the deep mountains of vanity

浅き夢見じ  -  And we shall not see superficial dreams

酔ひもせず  -  Nor be deluded.

A poem my grandma taught me a few years ago in Japanese class that she would do with us every Saturday.

so, i don't lie very well

Welllllll, my coworker didn't fall for the lace cuff after all. She trapped me in the corner, literally, and threatened to take a knife to it and cut it off if I didn't voluntarily take it off and show her. I just ping-ponged all her questions b'coz I really don't think it is any of her business nor that she has any authority to make me show her. I also would like to know what, exactly, the purpose would be to see any SI I've done?

I want to see what's under that thing.
What thing?
Your bracelet thing.
Oh, this? My mum gave it to me, isn't it pretty?
Take it off, I want to see what's under it.
Why?
Because I do. I know what's going on now let me see.
I'm fine, I don't know what you're talking about.
You had a band-aid on the other day and now this thing.
Why? There's nothing there but a burn. I covered it with the band-aid the other day to protect it from the heat of the oven.
There may be a burn there, but I want to see what else there is.
Why?
Don't make me get violent.
Haha, it's a burn.
Take it off! Don't make me take a knife to it!
There's nothing there.
Then let me see!
Etc, etc, etc. until customers came in.

It isn't her business! I was pretty angry about it. Yet I smiled like it wasn't bothering me b'coz showing anger isn't something I do well. If she asks me why again, just one more time, I'm going to tell her the truth: that it is none of her business whether or not I have something under my cuff and frankly, I wonder how it is anyone beside myself has any authority in the matter?! Just leave me alone, I get on just fine without the pestering, thankyu. I actually get on a lot better without telling everyone everything. This is the only place I let things out while they are happening. This is what I get for blanking out again -__- I was lucky last time I blanked out, that one was my thigh. I didn't really blank out this time though, I was aware, just...I don't know, empty and thoughtless at the moment.

I experienced something a bit odd. Not sure if it had anything to my low intake... Hahaha! Okay I can't say that without cracking! Low intake my ass :L
But really, it could've been my b/p cycles or something or just my anxiety that somehing is wrong. At work my eyes were doing weird things out've the blue. It was like looking at things from fish bowl perspective. Not as bad as that but something similar, I'm not quite sure how to put it. I want to say it was like being high without being high, though I've never been high so how would I know ha!

Next three days off! That means time away from that blasted work drama and the silent unspoken tension everyone tries so diligently to ignore.

I am going to the market tomorrow morning! {like you really need more books Kii} I always say: stay away from the books; no books, no books, nobooksnobooksnobooks!

But wait! What is that there! Oh? Do my eyes spitefully spot a georgous vintage copy of some something I cannot resist? Gracious me it does! ...And I take it home to be my new pet... Thus my overflowing bookshelf + books in the basement + books at my mum's + whatever new book I acquire to add to the dusting collection; which, I justify my book hoarding by saying: I plan on having a beautiful library one day! Which I really do!

My mum is planning to move before December so I've been putting up ideas v's a house warming gift. I'm not sure whether to get her a purple Kitchenaid stand mixer as she's always wanted, or bijin ningyo, which is a Japanese doll. I usually don't like dolls, I'm afraid of them; but kokeshi dolls, hina matsuri dolls, etc. are beautiful! In my culture, we generally don't give decorative items for house warming b'coz it is rude {ex- a silent way of saying you need guidance in decorating}, but she is my mum and I know she will love her! I may just get her both if I can save up for it!

control, period! {haha that's a pun you'll get after reading}

Of course the lace cuff I made was noticed; but I put together a well conceived lie {not sure if that's good or bad}:

We need to talk. I'll be texting you later.
Huh?
You know what I'm talking about, purple bandit. {b'coz it's purple}
My mum gave it to me. -customers interrupt-
Text- I know you've been having a bad few days, I know the secret, you can talk to me just don't hurt yourself.
I didn't, my mum sent it to me. I told her I like lace and she likes purple so we can match. So in a way I have part've her with me.

Lie, believed. Guilt, activated. Defensiveness, triggered.
It isn't of anyone's business at work what I do in my personal time. Do not pretend to care about me. It may be horrible of me to completely turn away someone's concern for me, but I feel as if a lot've times it is just a person wanting to tattle. Like someone seeing someone else do a bad thing, and then going to that bad-thing-doer and saying "Hey! That's bad! I know it's bad b'coz I'm better than you and I know!" just so they can be above you on something. Is that terribly wrong? Seems like I'm never able to accept a person caring about me. The idea that someone cares seems so foreign, like it must be a mistake somehow.

I really feel like dropping my intake. Or rather, trying for it tomorrow. I wanted to fast, but with work and current stresses, I think it would be a bad idea to knock out food completely. I've skipped breakfast and lunch on a work day before with negative results. It proved extremely difficult. I ended up with my coworker relaying the nights happenings to another coworker, and so on, until everyone decided my dizzy spells were a sign that I was pregnant. I just explained that it was a bad vertigo spell and I couldn't take my medicine b'coz it makes me sleepy {which I do have vertigo but my doctor said Benadryl will do just fine}. Anytime I don't feel well, as far as everyone is concerned, it must be that I have a child in my tummy.

Right. Moving on!

I've started telling everyone I am not able to conceive due to a hormonal imbalance. Now that one is a pure lie. {I'm lying quite a bit lately...} Though, as far as I know, it could be true. My irregular eating habits, spanning through puberty to current has probably affected my body in some bad ways. My periods have been getting odder and odder. In my worst phase of restriction and fasting, I didn't have a period for about 6 months. Now it does all SORTS'VE crazy things! And I mean CRAZY! I spot one month, nothing the next, heavy for a week, light for 3 days and oh my gracious the worst ever was having a full on heavy period for an ENTIRE month straight! Okay so I was given 2 days of freedom but still it was hell!

My apologies, I just sort've inadvertently advertised my menstural cycle to all of blogspot haha! Just rambling whatever comes out've my thoughts!

Anyhoot! Back to the main topic I de-railed from! I want to tap in to my control again by attempting to just flat out resist food as long as possible. I've realised that it's the first bit've food I have that starts the cycle. Maybe if I just don't have that first bit, I'll be fine until I get home. I've confessed my binge habits to R so I can have some help in stopping. I'll bring some soba and an apple to work just in case I feel I can't handle it. I'd rather have that than chips, cheese, pizza sauce, bread, cookies, etc.

Part've what's putting the block on re-gaining the control I had is my blasted work atmosphere! Being around food all the time is terrible when you're trying to get out've a binge cycle. I knew working in fast good would eventually haunt me. When I was looking for a job, I initially wanted to avoid anything centered around food; however with it being my first job, I had no luck -__-

Elegance, control, strength, time to prove myself!

knickers on my wrist

Okay, what is up with the television? Seriously, what? I was just coming downstairs to clean and fill my pot for coffee when I hear a voice and subconsciously begin listening: 

”That’s what I need to tell you:  to let you know how hard I’m trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart.  Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act; what I feel slamming up against what I should do.  Impulsive reactions racing to solutions miles ahead of my brain.”

How is the television speaking to me? This always happens when I'm entering a bad stage. My brain decides that random conversations apply to me: a stranger's conversation with her mother, a stupid television show, some cap on the radio. Ever have that feeling something is coming? That monster everyone said didn't live in your closet or hide under your bed is now going to show itself, but only you can see it? Goodness gracious this is not good.

For whatever reason, my boss thought that having a form between us, as she had a "talk" with me today, would scare me. It was a form which read: {my full name} is being written up for insubordination. Oh blah, insubordination. For what? Standing up for myself? Or was it perhaps for when I actually didn't cave in and second guess what I knew to be true just b'coz you've authority? Insubordination, hah! At the end of our talk {aka- her mouth blabbering BS, me phasing in and out, wondering how many calories I'm burning by swinging my leg in circles under the table and if I will make it through the day without a binge}. I nearly got myself in trouble b'coz she wanted to get really BS on me saying how she cares about me and how much she's done for me. Now I don't know if she was trying to set me up to look like a rude employee, but it nearly worked! I had to look down b'coz I felt a smile begin to creep up! Now, that would be something I would sincerely apologise for, b'coz as much as I despise her and her childish games, she is my boss and I am supposed to listen to what she say... no matter how utterly and completely ridiculous it may be.

For some reason though, her pretending to care got me the most upset. Well, it probably wasn't even that she pretends to care, but that a lot've people I know simply pretend to care. I never understood why people lie like they do. Consistently at that! They pretend to be trustworthy, to be my friend, and I always fall for it b'coz I want -somewhere in there- despite my overwhelming security and comfort in solitude, I do want someone to be there. And I do like the idea that someone may actually care. 90% of the time it is a meaningless trap that I fall for and ends in pure drama.

Anyway, her false care got me thinking about all that. And then I got angry. At myself of all people! I always end up being angry at myself when someone does something wrong to me. I wish I understood that so I could stop it. I ended up SH, at work. My mind went blank and I just sort've did it in the back by the sink behind the freezer like a zombie. Since it was essentially a blank outburst of emotion, and I wasn't really intending to do it, it is a shallow one. I covered it with a band aid. I'd already gotton burned near there so it looks legit.

Her lies about caring upset me the last time as well. I was sitting on my bathroom counter, feet in the sink, just staring into whatever as I often do wen something is bothering me {don't judge me, the bathroom counter is my safe place}. At first I was following the idea that saying something enough times will make you believe it. So I started off with: cookies are bad, cookies are evil, cookies are poison and will ruin my life. But somewhere along the line my free-willed random traveling brain started thinking about all my boss has said in the past few days. I somehow shifted to: I don't matter b'coz I'm nobody, I'm nobody b'coz I don't matter. You know, it's funny. The thing you want to believe does nothing but frustrate you, and the thing your mind freely wanders to that you already know to be true has the power break you down in seconds. I hate how the mind works.

Since my coworker found out about my SI from the scars on my wrist {I told her it's been years}, and I don't need that flying around at work, I found a way to cover it! I took a cheap lace pair've knickers that I didn't particularly care for, and used the waist to sew a cuff for myself ^__^ the waist on that pair was pretty wide so it gave me something perfect to work with! And it's thin so it'll dry we'll after washing dishes etc.