happy new years ^.^ (extra belated!)

"hey girls, 明けましておめでとう！ (happy new years!) for new years this year me and boyfriend stayed in, played some need for speed and just enjoyed each others company. i try in vain to beat his score -__- we were invited to a party but did not attend for there was going to be drunken, high people there which would not have been very good for me. to be around that sort just puts me into fear and hatred. i feel bad at times for my...issues, as it prevents him from doing things he would otherwise be doing had i not existed. i often feel like the detention teacher shoving change down his throat...hehe or more, that is what i want to do ^^' sometimes i consider changing myself to better fit him and have tried to convince myself to do so but who am i fooling? doing it would probably give me the brain fever. (yes, i read too much ^^ but maybe it is good for me as well) the more we are together the more i notice how very different we are. it has its positives and its negatives. i suppose it is in the upbringing and culture, it is light and dark. things which my family does is not understood in this family and things this family does will not/is not understood with mine. haha it would be a bit funny to see mine and his family under the same roof for a couple hours...ok so, maybe that wouldnt create any laughter at all, it may be quite...horrible actually O.o both sides would argue determinedly to make their side understood. well that is one thing in common i gess ^^ bit scary.

i was asked what my resolutions are and they are:

be as healthy as possible

better my self

succeed at uni!!! (that is a huge one for me!)

attain a job (there must be a way to get employed this year, there must! if i do not have one by next year something is wrong)"

that is what i had written on new years but failed to post :P

every so often, i feel horrible to admit: i consider using that toilet for something, other than pee and poo, which we are all too familiar with. i also consider not eating but that is alot harder to do around people than to simply, quietly regurgitate. i am lucky that it has yet to form into an action; save once where i kneeled down with my hand to my mouth but got right back up. that was some time ago though. the things i used to do are always in my mind. i always involuntarily consider them but never go through with it. not to say it would be good that i did, but at times i wonder, why dont i? if i cant be discovered, why not? i think perhaps it is my morals, relentless reoccurring guilt after i have done wrong and a huge reason is my love and loyalty to boyfriend holds a greater pull.

i wonder where i have gone to. when you begin the process of recovery, where does that person go to? does she slowly just, disappear? do i just progressively lose that part of me? though i know there will constantly be that possibility of relapse for the rest of my life. look at those women in their 50s, their 60s, and 70s who are anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS...so i gess she never really will leave me and there is no such thing as a full and complete recovery. (though i already knew that haha!) she was such a big part of me for so long, since i was a child, that for quite a while i felt i had lost myself, my identity so to speak. who i was. i feel that way every now and then but it isnt so strong and saddening as it was. i had to re-examine myself and find who i was, my meaning. that is where my passion for photography and art really became a passion.

i read something somewhere --forgive me i cannot remember where-- it said something to this effect: asking a person with an eating disorder "why do you think you are fat when you are not?" or "how thin is thin enough for you?" is like asking a sleeping person "are you asleep?" it is a pointless question for it cannot possibly be answered straightly. there are times we know we are not really fat, but what we see says otherwise. therefore we know, but do not know that we are fat or thin. so in a sense, we are neither/nor. as for the question "how thin is thin enough?" it is another unanswerable question. "thin enough" suggests that there is a magic number that, once reached, will make us "better" or "happier" but there is none. once that number is reached there is always a new one set and the routine begins anew. it is just a feeling of inadequacy and self-hatred that we flee from; or rather, work to be rid of. and for many of us, we work at it so hard and for so long that it essentially becomes our normal that thinking about being "normal" is foreign. we dont even think about it anymore.

i dont know, just some thoughts i had and things i wanted to say and readings i wanted to share ^^' but things have been pretty good. im still in recov and trying to better myself...failing horribly at exercise though :P