i am horrid and do not deserve you all, myself nor my boyfriend

hey lovelies *sigh* i need a break for a bit. i couldnt help it, i looked into the mirror and hated...no despised what i saw. i have no doubt in my mind that i am all fat now. i bet i am at least 103...i am so ashamed to say so. i have ruined myself. i am weak and shameful. someone please tell me you hate me and that you refuse talk to me again until i get my act together. tell me you dont want to hear from my fat face and sausage typing fingers until i am at least 100 again. maybe then will i cease this nonsense.

what brought me to the mirror you ask? my ring. yes, my ring. it is tight, doesnt spin and i feel like its choking the little sausage link i call a finger. then i wondered what had happened. had i really gotten that bad? my gaze shifted toward my thighs as a laid there and yes, they have once more grown to what is normally referred to as thunder thighs. that was all it took for me to strip down and analyze my bodice. i stood there for quite some time to criticize, prod, pull and claw at the fat that had attached itself to me while i wasnt paying attention. i feel so humiliated...how can a girl who spends all her time worrying about controling food: what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, amounts to eat, calories in what i eat; how can she get so distracted, as to not notice how much she is growing, in time to prevent it?! i know i shouldnt say this because my eyes are broken and i know so, and it is out of love that they want me this way but i am saying now in my head, "you wanted me fat, you say it is 'healthy' you say i am not fat and to stop thinking so. but i ask you, do you have to see what i see and feel what i feel? does this body i live in belong to you? I am the one who has to hate what i see. I am the one who is suffering not you. are you happy that i have gained? good, i am glad...because i, by far, am not."


To Shed My Winter Coat
I stand in front of the mirror,
Naked with my eyes shut. In fear of the glutton which stands before me.
It is as if I am thickly dressed and ready for Winter.
I feel the layers weighing me down,
Trapping and suffocating; Clinging to my structure;
Hiding who I really am.

No one can see me beneath it all.
All the fat that covers me will be there if I open my eyes;
Am I prepared to see it?
To feel the sadness disparity and humility that immediately follows?
No.
I am not.

Nor will I ever be.
I will never accept it,
It will never be me.
I will never be able to let it become me.

A mutant girl.
Stuck in a body that Ive unwillingly been transformed into.
I reach out into the darkness until the cold of the mirror is at my fingertips.

My hands go to my midriff,
Rubbery stretchy warmth that can pull out so far.
It doesnt belong there.
I do not need all this,
It is not Winter,
It is Summer.
Summer is time for thin light dresses;
On thin light girls.
I am not thin nor am I light.

I imagine myself unzipping my thick Winter coat.
Watching the fat fall to the floor in jiggly ripples.

When I look up I hope to see me.
Finally, the time for my body;
My happiness;
Is at hand.

being sick and binging is SO not smart

i woke up earlier today. i just couldnt sleep anymore. but i took a litto nap at around 1p because i started feeling ill like the beginning of a fever. boyfriend woke me at 2 to let me know he was going to work for his paycheck and hot topic for blue hair dye. he asked if i wanted anything so i asked for soup, the campbell's select harvest ones. theyre between 50-80cal per cup. he said they had those at work so he brought some home. now ive 1 can of campbell's select harvest and one can of progresso light ,yay for low cal!

cept i screwed up the low cal soup by later eating a chocolate hazelnut spread sandwich AND a doughnut right after! now i feel even sicker and nauseous ug! and i messed up ABC fuck...


maybe i should start again. i dunno if i wanna start again or wait till after the 30th... or fuck it just one more dam day maybe i should just start next month! .....AH! but then theres the cake on boyfriends birthday and the possibility of his mom taking us out...damit all. ok heres the plan since i didnt take all that into consideration. since im not permitted 300-below, ill do 3, 5, 7, 9 (instead of 2, 4, 6, 8), until the 11 of next month on boyfriends b-day THEN start ABC! wait, maybe not 9, i dont know if i can handle going up to 900cals so i think just 357 skip the 9. but isnt that neat, his birthday is september 11 XD

EDIT: ok, i had just bought a new type of tampons last month, which ive never used before. its those colorful kotex ones in the black box, the U - click*, im a sucker for colors and pretty wrapping! XD but i only spotted so i couldnt get to really see just how well they work...well i did tonight! they work for crap! i was using the o.b. brand but for some reason they started to hurt, i gess because they changed the way they made it. so please please pleeease any tampon suggestions girls? and let me know if its applicator or not. ^__^ thankyuuu superly!

meal- 1 slice toast, 1tsp jelly: 63cal 11:00a
meal- 1c Progresso light chicken noodle soup, 13 gummy bears: 182cal 5:45
meal- 2 slices bread, 2tsp Nutella, 1 chicken strip: 246cal 9:00p
snack- 1 doughnut: 290cal 9:30p

781cal total

thinspo legs, how i want my thighs to look!

why do i always miss?

i do SO hate periods, theyre untimed and unorganized! XD i spot every now and then so i think "better apply the torpedo" (aka- tampon) fire one! then come morning, nothing. and again spotting in the afternoon, "okayyy..." fire two! and again, nothing the next morining. so i figure "fuck it!" and dont use one. who bleeds on the fucking bed that night or on my knickers?! meee yayy! ...right! shouldve had a fire three! XD

yay! i posted a new look on LB FINALLY! haha. im still not exactly up to par but i may get there. its quite difficutl to get recognized there... haha im happy my shirt is an oversize style otherwise ewww my fat!

http://lookbook.nu/look/1000819-8-24-1

yesterday when i walked to the library i went to the eating disorder section of the non-fic books and spotted a book titled "Thin" by Lauren Greenfield. its quite good you should really check it out!

meal- ½ blueberry bagel: 130cal 4:30p
meal- 1 nikuman: 310cal 7:30p
meal- 3 grilled chicken strips: 180cal 10:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 176cal 1:30p

708cal total

the secret behind my love of simplicity

have you ever felt like your not real? not as in, a fake/shallow person, but as in nonexistent. im not sure really; ive often felt like im not really here and that im just tired of it, of everything, of life. walking to the library today i cried. i talked to the air, the trees, myself, no one, anyone...i asked why i couldnt just fall to the ground right there and just go to sleep. fall into an eternal sleep. i have moments of happiness where i feel so good and i can enjoy the tiny simple things in life, but thats just it. they are simple. thats why i enjoy them so, you neednt think or stress. its just there to observe, to feel, to embrace.

lady bugs crawling on blades of grass
berries in the woods
bunnies hopping into bushes
cloud shapes in the sky
thunder storms
the rain
the moon
the stars
coffee and a book
tea and a letter
morning magic
evening magic
butterflies fluttering on flowers
birds in the sky
fuzzy cute winter hats
cuddly stuffed animalsmy downy soft blankiebows
clips
socks
plants flowers
gardens
a walk in the park
a ride on the swings
tender lipped kisses
warm safe hugs
a picnic at the beach
the look in my lovers eyes
the steady sound of his heart as i lay with my ear to his chest

all of those things, they just are, theres no thinking, contemplating, planning, stress, fear, anxiety. it is simplicity, just, calm, living, peaceful, loving and free. those are my happy moments. thus is the reason i am able to find myself ecstatic in times such as those, for the simple fact that they are, well, simple. ive said before how i wish i could purge myself until i am nothing, until i turn myself inside out and implode, jump off an ocean side cliff or starve until i disappear. there is just something in me that switches every-so-often into this mode of hopelessness. i feel often like ive no future. ive aspirations, hopes, dreams, goals that all give me joy to think about, but i somehow feel as if ill never get them, ill never reach them, im not good enough to make it that far or that ill fail trying and end up even more of a nothing than i currently am. i suppose that is the reason for my procrastination. isnt that quite contradictory? i am a complete and utter perfectionist and yet i can procrastinate and fuck everything up which makes me even more emotional because i cant stand when things are fucked up at my fault. how does one claim both personalities? im not quite sure but somehow i can...

ultimately...i am terrified of trying to be who i want to be for fear of failure...

things are looking up! today is day 3

yay!! i noticed a bit of change in my tummy! its a litto flatter and just a tiny bit more toned than it was a few days ago! =) it seems i am reaping benefits of all my exercising! let us hope results show faster now with my eating mostly grains. my tummy and thighs may just reach satisfactory by the 30th! or at least be something i can live with and show while wearing basically my bra and knickers. i want to be able to have fun and enjoy it there without hiding and feeling too very ashamed about my body. id hate to have to wear a bikini and feel the need to hide the whole 3hrs or however long we are there...i want to shine with confidence and not shy away as i normally do! im going to look like that fantastic japanese beauty there! i want to be able to look at other snoddy snoody girls and think "well, fuck you. while your bikini is riding up between fat ass cheeks, im rocking mine!" haha and believe you me! there are quite a few snoodies around here as ive noticed! i want to be a complete and utter bombshell and feel secure in how i look! :D ...dont we all XD



since my caloric intake during the past couple days fall into place for my modified ABC plan, im going to use them =) i am on day 3! yay! you know what my little bleuet tea cups, i feel like this is going to work! i feel quite hopeful that i have a pretty good future =) i just need to keep control over myself and be sure not to let my calories fall too low. i know 300 is still low but hey, its 100cal higher from the previous 200 and im finally not feeling as terrible about it! so hey, i deem that progress! =) i was trying to stay above 800 but i cant yet, that was to soon. so now ive made 300 my lowest and 800 my highest. when i feel ok about 300 ill up it to 400, then 500, etc and then when im finally not disgusted at 1200, thats where ill stay. i really hope...in some ways...not fully...not now...but i hope that i will someday be ok with a "healthy" 1200 caloric intake. right now all i can view that amount of calories as, is unhealthy, ghastly, ungodly cruel and horrific! i dont understand how i will ever get there but i have to try! im a very determined person so i think i may get there. my feelings about it currently run bittersweet though...

meal- cream of wheat: 100cal 3:30p
snack- 1 slice toast, 1 tsp jelly: 77cal 7:00p
meal- ½ chicken wrap: 300cal 10:40p
snack- ⅓ Burger King shake: 110cal 12:00a

587cal total

healthier version of ABC? modify by 300?

i defo want my but to look like this!lets hope all those squats and pilates does the trick!
my tummy is GOING to be like this!!!
even if i have to die doing crunches for the rest of my life im not giving up!!!

this is so cute! reminds me of me and my doggie!

i talked to my mom today and told her about that im giving up red meat. i told her about all the abuse cows and pigs go through. she said she gave up chicken/eggs for a while once when she saw a video about how chickens are kept and how badly treated they are. she supports my decision fully :D YAY! ive support! she said its a good thing im doing and that it would be even better if id become vegetarian or pescetarian! i found out that back when i became vegan for a while when i was 12, it was mostly my dad who didnt like it, he's a control freak! and he had such a bad temper so my mom had to get on me about eating normally for fear of him getting upset. thats why i was stopped. i wish i could be completely vegetarian but i gess i cant...but im cutting out red meat and switching to soy milk! im also going to try to cut back on dairy and all meats in general beside fish/seafood :D im trying for pesco if i can! :D

you know, it sounds a bit silly but ive often thought about leaving a litto note within the pages of a novel written around the life of an ana girl. [skinny, the passion of alice, perfect, wintergirls, etc.] ive thought about saying something like:

"i am an anorexic with bulimic tendencies. if you are an ana girl as well, i know how you feel. its very lonely not having anyone to confide in or talk to about the daily struggles with food and self-hatred. i found a lovely blog comunity where i was accpeted among other girls like me. though i know none of them personally, i feel less alone. i suggest that you make a blog and find a community such as this. best of luck!

-your fellow thin wisher"

the new mostly grain diet ^__^

post number 100! :D

well, i let food get the better of me today :( i told boyfriend
"thats the last time i eat greasy food for a while!"
"yaaa that bar food isnt very good"
its good, boy is it sinfully good! its just SO not good health-wise! i ate about 6 potato skins throughout the day and didnt keep track of the time! O.O thats very...unlike me! i always have to know exactly when i ate so i know if i ate to close together or not...and just because i need to know, its just something i do. i like organization.

i found that that is the thing that makes me homesick the most, strange isnt it?? i didnt realize it until a couple days ago. i noticed how dirty and unorganized our room had become and it just upset me, made me feel anger and frustration. i grew up and lived in an organized home until 9 months ago so i suppose it isnt so strange that a jumbled up disordered atmosphere creates feelings of homesickness in me. i feel better now that our room is all pretty and tidy =) i told boyfriend that i cant wait till we get a place of our own so as i can keep it tidy and clean it when i want, organize it how i wish and see to it it is always kept tidy! saturdays is my cleaning day, i do the laundry, sweep the house, clean our bathroom and re-organize, putting everything back in its proper place, that has been jumbled throughout the week.

to fix these past days of greasy foods and mostly to ease my mind and make me feel less disgusted with myself, i am fixing a new diet. i am going to do a sort of grain diet as best as i can, only eating out of diet foods if i must. it is made up of mostly grain foods, fruits and veggies. the dinners have a bit more variety since binges tend to happen during the nights.

breakfast: cereal
lunch: cereal or toast
dinner: cream of wheat, oatmeal, or rice, my spinach-veggie bowl or healthy choice meals if i feel i need something more substantial to keep from binging
snacks: cereal bar or fruit
drinks: water, tea, coffee, juice, milk sparingly


meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 12:20p
potato skins: 500cal time?

760cal total

im gonna try to go vegan. if not pescatarian, not sure

my tummy hurt quite bad the previous night and ended up having a chat with boyfriend after he gave me some medicine. i told him that when i have fast food, such as that, at my fingertips, i tend to eat and eat even though my tummy hurts and it stops tasing good. i told him how i just cant stop and i dont understand why i would feel the urge to eat if isnt pleasurable in any way. i told him that is why alot of times i hide from him when i eat. i dont like people to see how fast i eat and how much. he said he doesnt care. when i first mentioned that my tummy hurt, he had told me he'd rather not bring home food like that anymore because he knows what it does to me. he doesnt want me to feel anger toward myself. he told me not to eat the candy, but i did out of weakness. im so glad he's supporting me through this, i really need it! so i discussed a plan with him that i must follow because i really need to get my foods organized. i need to be ready and accomadate for the high cal foods in my calculations. so as you know and can already tell, i am a list-er and rule maker! so here it is:

after the pool day, i will set aside 1 day out of the week to:
1) eat at places boyfriend may take me
2) eat foods he wants to bring food home that he has cooked at the café
3) eat any greasy foods he may cook at home, or
4) to eat things i wouldnt normally eat PROVIDED i can control myself and not binge on them. otherwise NO.
the following lists in effect immediately:

the STOP list:
fast food
ice cream
breaded fried foods
foods heavy in grease
butter
oil
chocolate
cake (beside on boyfriends b-day and maybe one slice someday after that if i prove myself to be in control of what food goes into my mouth.)
pie
pizza
gravey
red meat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the SLOW DOWN list:
milk
cheese
chicken
turkey
bread
sugar
soda
juice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lastly the GO list:
ceral
museli
cream of wheat
oatmeal
rice
eggs
healthy choice meals
tuna
crab
fish
lettuce
plums
apples
bananas
blueberries
strawberries
grapes
raisins
yogurt


i was looking for vegan recipes since theyre lower in calories when i stumbled upon a site called GoVeg. i just watched this video on that website and it brought me to tears! i mean, i didnt have an all out bawl fest haha just a few tears and a really bad sadness for them! its SO horrible!!! and to think cows are one of my favorite animals, i LOVE cows!! i have stuffed animals of cows and i had a cow shirt! and yet i eat their meat and condone such acts! feel like a terrible person for it :( my poor poor POOR witto cowys! i went to an expo once several years ago; they had tellys going, with videos like this one, comparing it to the holocaust, asking how it is we are appalled and disgusted at treatment, such as that, to humans but we allow and overlook the torture animals are put through so we can have a double cheese burger, a big mac or ribs at tony roma's. they talked about inhumanity to animals, how they are so ill treated and hit for no reason other than the supposed "care taker's" frustration at the animals fear. i went vegetarian for a little while until my parents made me stop. i was still young and they got upset since meat was a part of nearly every meal we consumed. now, watching that video gives me new incentive to stop again! it reminds me completely of the feelings i had then and i dont want to eat meat anymore, red meat especially! i will still eat fish so pescatarian i suppose...but maybe not because i may eat meat IF i can be sure they previously lived in nice green pastures and had full lives with their cute little young AND that the company DOESNT make veal! ive always hated veal! (i was so mad at my mom when she ordered me veal lasagna back when i was 12 and i asked her what veal meant. she wouldnt tell me till after i ate...i barfed!) i go by the indian belief that animals sacrifice themselves for us to live. and i am ok with it because God made them also for us to eat, but not for us to torture and murder so we can OVER indulge ourselves. so i dont want to eat anymore meat and if i do, it will be vary rare, (not cooking-wise) and it WILL be organic or kosher.

meal- ¾c Kix cereal: 88cal
meal- ½ Healthy Choice sweet hickory bbq chicken: 180cal 7:30p
meal- ¼ left over hoagie, 3 fries, a couple little appetizer things: 350cal 10:40p

618cal total

im SO excited! help me pick one girls? please pretty please?

man i want my legs to be like that! i need to walk my ass off and find good thigh exercises! suggestions anyone? ill love you forever!
wow! ive 50 little bleuet followers now! thanks so much everyone! i never imagined even 10 of you would read my blog and here i see theres 50 of you! :D

check out this awesome strobe! it gives you shroom vision! its fucking cool XD Lily at Just Like The Movies had it on her last blog. (i dunno if you can tell but the different color words are links XD for some reason it doesnt really pop to let you know "im a link!")

i have 10 days to get myself in shape and melt off the fat i have gained from all the binges and unhealthy eating in the past weeks. if i remain at 800, no matter if i am a "sedentary couch potato" or not, i should be back to 95lbs by 16th of next month. i just wish i was able to go back to 100cal just until im back at 95 so i dont have to feel disgusted with myself at the pool gathering on the 26th :P im gessing i weigh about 98-100 i dont know, so im going with 100. ug! i wish i did know! but if i am 100lbs, i should lose at least 2lbs before next week =) but since im in the "moderately active 3-5 times per week" category, i should drop 3lbs by then yay!

last night boyfriend said he'd bring me home a hoagie that he'd make at the café (450) i was fine with that, i planned my meals/snacks around it. but then he texted me on yahoo while was at work today (my phone is fucked up so we communicate through yahoo SMS) saying that he was also bringing home deep friend candy bars! im so glad he told me while he wasnt here. i would have felt so bad to freak out in front of him, he loves to cook and loves to cook for me, share his cooking. i knew the cals for a tiny deep fried candy is through the roof! plus the hoagie and the cream of wheat i had already eaten for breakfast. i started tearing and hyperventilating O.O i never did that before regarding food! i mean ive freaked out mentally but never physically and now i know even more so why it sucks! i went immediately to do crunches to stop the tearing before it turns to crying! exercise always calms me down when i feel gross about my fat or when im freaking out about calories and grease. then i realized, talk to him. so i texted him and told him,
"i change my mind about the hoggy then since yu bring home the candy =) ill eat hoggy next time"
"Why, the Canny is mine I bought it last week"
"ehehe juss cuz im weird, yu know :P hoggy tomorrow =) "
"You gonna need dinner half hogy an a baby sneakers ?" he calls them sneakers ^__^
i calculated it and i can deal with that, "okay ^_^ "
"Yay good girl :-) "
haha he's so fucking cute!

the suckie thing is when he got home i was so hungry from not eating till then. i was trying to accommodate all the cals for it into my day :P i ended up eating 3 quarters of the hoagie, about ⅘ of all the fries, the deep fried snickers AND a bite of deep fried white chocolate reese's! O.o then i went immediately to exercise. i must say though, that was one of the best tasting 1000cal binges ive ever fucking had! well, beside my fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches :P ok, i start officially tomorrow, no more of that.

!!!THE EXCITED PART!!!

im just so excited that i HAVE to tell some one and it surely isnt going to be him! :D boyfriends birthday is a litto less than a month away! ive the BEST surprise in mind for him! im rather terrible at buying gifts, even for the people i love. i can never seem to know them well enough to know what they would want or have enough money to afford what i know the would like :P so i went with the one thing that cant fail on a birthday: a birthday cake baked special for him with love from his girlfriend ^__^ ok, i realize it can fail if i dont bake it properly, but ive a recipe. mixing ingredients, baking till the time given and frosting/decorating a cake isnt really rocket science and its not like ive not done it before. so i "hypothesize" that this is going to be rather good! XD its going to be either a chocolate cake with peanut butter chips mixed into the batter or a peanut butter cake with choc chips in the batter. it will have either the chocolate-peanut butter frosting between layers or just melted peanut butter mixed with whipped cream, ive not decided that either. the frosting will be choco-PB or peanut butter frosting depending on which cake i choose, i want the frosting and cake to contrast. im going to decorate it with reese's pieces, mini peanut butter cups in dollops of whipped cream and his name in white or orange tulip brand tubed icing depending on which frosting i choose. i know it sounds a bit rich but thats how he likes it and i intend to make his mouth water and enjoy EVERY bite! ^__^ AH im SO excited to make this for him!! i want it to be completely perfect!!! :D what do you think?!

heres what im thinking it will look like if i use choco-PB icing. im not sure i want to write "Love" or his name, considering his mom will be with us hehe awkward maybe since we dont really display love around her but i do want it to be special. i may just go for "Love" anyway. the white circles with litto brown dotts in them are the whipped cream dollops with mini reese's cups in the middle of each:

and heres what it will look like if i use peanut butter frosting instead. which one sounds and looks best in your opinion? of course the writing will be nicer XD its hard to write with the laptop mousepad!

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 3:15p
snack- about 5 crackers: 60cal
meal- ¾ hoagie, french fries = ~1½ McDonald size large fries, 1 deep fried fun size snickers, ½ deep fried white chocolate Reese's: 1672.5cal

1842.5cal total

this fucking amount is enough for me to have eaten for 3 days. THREE days! so i expect because of this, my eating 700 will not matter for the next three days. i will probably only have a chance at losing maybe 1lb before sunday :P nevertheless im going to work hard until then! =)

apparitions are scare but love runs rampant in the simplicity of life

i woke this morning and got dressed and boyfriend made pancakes! :D been a while since ive had them and i do really love them. not as much as i love waffles! but enough about food.

or, maybe a litto more about a subject revolving around food, i may get a job! boyfriend said there might be opportunity for me to work with him as a cook at the café! i expressed my nervous feelings about it though because i am by no means a good cook! no means whatsoever! im slow, uncoordinated and i burn things haha but he said its not always very busy. i will start out cutting veggies and deep frying french fries, chicken and things of that sort. he will teach me the other more technique/skill required things such as fish and putting together burgers, as needed. im up for anything really! and i will be working with him, what better way to start! he also may get hired at a job cutting granite for kitchen counters and the such so we will be better off =)

i spent most of today cleaning =) i really like it. most people hate cleaning and doing laundry but i find it makes me feel quite good. i like things organized and clean ^__^

i had a lovely hot date tonight! i fixed myself up with a little makeup. put on a black lacey halter, white skirt and a white tank top-ish thing (i dont really know what it is) and finished with a pair of sexy black fishnet thigh-highs boyfriend bought me a while ago. they've got pretty red bows on each thigh =) we left ours for the park at ~2a. walked about 15-20min holding hands and enjoying each others company. when we reached the park i asked about fucking on the swings and he said ok and tied our dog hyden to the bench. i was a litto self conscious and embarrassed for i had never done anything like this before, it was my first time, so i playfully swung, standing on the swings, giggling my awkwardness away. he sat on one to my right and looked at me and well, it just called to me. i got down and walked to him and we proceeded to touch each other sensually while he sat on the swings. we found that we both had the same thing in mind for we each had a condom packed away in secret XD we then moved to the litto bar steps that lead up to the park equipment to have more night-time park activity, fully clothed of course haha! it was quite fun! my embarrassment and awkwardness didnt last very long at all. he makes me feel so comfortable and natural :3 after our charming sexual feat we walked to the train track where i took some photos and got a couple of us kissing in the night ^__^ the spirits didnt come out tonight. i took several photos and no phantoms or spiritual oras appear in any :( but that is OK! i had a charming night, it was simple and perfect!


heres one pic. too bad the light bounced in the lense and put a litto rainbow dot on boyfriends nose XD sounds weird but its kinda cute actually.


we are going to the pool for boyfriends moms wrok gathering-thing. its next week sunday. i hope i can rock my black and red hello kitty bikini and feel confident as fuck!

meal- pancakes: 220cal 4:45p
meal- 1 turkey sandwich: 170cal 8:45p
snack- 1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 12:05a
meal- ½c spinach, 1c green beans, 1 slice turkey, some mozzarella: 110cal 1:00a
snack- 1 fortune cookie: 30cal 1:15a

620cal total

i want a new dress, should i put the butterfly in my teeth?

boyfriends leg was hurting quite bad last night. its gotten worse over time. it started out as just a tender feeling to the touch, then it progressed into numbness and now it gives him sharp pains as if his leg is being stabbed with a knife. he went to the doctor and they said its a pinched nerve and that it may never go away! O.O it was so bad and i felt so bad for him. i massaged it and tried to channel my love and thoughts of making it feel better. i made my hands warm and firmly touched/massaged his leg with my palm while taking deeep slooow breaths. in through my nose...and out through my mouth. i closed my eyes and pictured all my feelings of love, of hope, and of goodness, and my thoughts of his leg being pain-free. i pictured it all churning inside me as a glowing healing liquid pumping out of my heart and through my veins with every breath; flowing into my arms, out of my hands and into his leg. im sad to say it didnt work fully :( he remained in pain. it was a nice thought and good try though. sounded like it would've worked didnt it? he said it helped a litto but the pain was still very bad.

i was getting ready to go for a walk and i tucked in my shirt like i always do. well gess what...i have a pooch again! i never got rid of it but now its really there! it hangs over my shorts like a fucking fanny pack! :( im back where i started. i got scared if my but got bigger too cuz thats one thing ive always hated. so i took the pencil test. i fucking fail. my ass is fat again...i swear if i got on a scale it would say im 107 again...thats where i started when i first moved in november last year! i was doing good when i first got here, half a personal frozen pizza a day-364cal (not that pizza is a good choice). i kinda let myself go after that. started eating the whole pizza. my stomach got stretched out causing me to get hungry more often and more to make me full. i let myself go until i realized i was 107lbs of fat. ending april i started looking for por-ana/mia and support sites but never found any that hadnt been deserted for a year or shut down. in may i found you girls and started blogging. got back on track with the support of my bleuets ^__^ thankyu so much for that! just knowing that people are there for me and understand what im going through because they are going though it too, it just makes you feel less alone =) it took me that whole time to get back to 95! im happy to say i reached 93, the smallest ive ever been! YAY!!! ^__^

pstt, hang in there, one more paragraph to go and then the good part.
at 93 i was so close to my goal, closest ive ever been to managing a smile when i look at myself and truly meaning it. meaning a smile at my body; not my hair or my clothes, i could smile at my body, and thats big for me...for all of us. i was actually able to start feeling i deserved that smile because it takes alot of control and discipline to come all that way. i started wearing half shirts and taking pictures of myself because well, i got vain XD i was proud of my work. i was almost grasping my dream, my fingertips were in its ora, i could feel the happiness on my fingertips...but it vanished! and now its pretty far...ive let myself go again.

i cant go back to 93 but 95 is my lowest healthy weight and im so fixing this. im going back there! time to get the self-pity fat that ive gained, off my body. ive lost everything i started to like about my body and i want it back! yes im in recovery but i dont have to lose control and let myself go so much as i have. ive been wallowing in self-pity about losing my dream and enough is enough! recovery ≠ losing control, ≠ excuse to be weak, ≠ excuse to binge, ≠ gaining horrid amounts of unhealthy weight! i started years ago at 135lbs and i refuse to go back there or even take steps in that direction any longer! this is the back-on-track confident me who is taking recovery by its horns and telling it AND ana what to do! not the other way around! nothing should control me, not ana not mia not recovery. i got into this because i wanted control, i lost it and im taking it back.

*deep breath and dramatic exhale* ok! now that i got that out of my system i feel all refreshed and confident and i am SO ready for the week! :D starting back my exercise routine, adding more to it and no more binging! one more binge before my mom sends me money and i will not allow myself to buy the clothes i need from the thrift shop ^__^ which i want and need so badly!
so! i went completely off track XD getting back to my walk today: i ACTUALLY walked for a whole complete hour today!!! oh, make that 58.5min cuz i RAN for a minute and a half! OH. MY. GOSH! O.O ahhh im so proud of myself! its so refreshing! =) haha a minute half isnt much but im so not a runner and havent ran in like a year so thats pretty cool for me haha. (ya i know, your wondering about my header picture now "'jogging on the path to perfection'?" haha it will be true again very soon!) while i was passing the pool, 5 girls between the ages of 7 and maybe 13 stopped me to look at my dog.
"its so tall! is it yours?"
"ya." i smile.
"look at its legs!"
"so skiiinny!"
"aww cute!"
and the last girl: "is it your helper seeing dog??" no honey, do i look blind? see my glasses? means i can see...i admit maybe not that well, and i do hold true to the contradicting phrase 'blind as a bat' but i can see haha that one made me laugh.
"how old is it?...he...she..."
i laugh a little "she and oh gosh i dunno. 5, 6 maybe?"
i start to walk again cuz i dont really wanna stay and chat too long. im on a mission of a healthy body! XD
they say bye to gripen and then bye to me.
i start walking and say "baibai!" as i turn.
i hear that one girl mimic the way i say bye. was i too happy about it? dont think she liked me much and after her mimic im thinking her question about gripen being my guide dog wasnt an accident but its ok, theyre litto and im in an awesome mood!

oh! before i finish this blog, i found the top half of a yellow and black butterfly's right wing and on the way home a maimed white butterfly flew in front of me and landed a few feet away. every time i got too close it flew further ahead until finally landing on the fence next to me and i walked past it. i saw it had a hole in its left wing...should i be worried?? butterflies are a symbol of luck, love and good fortune...wonder what that means my fortune is O.o haha i tried looking up about finding a butterfly wing but not the butterfly, or an injured butterfly. couldnt find anything accept that they bring luck and good fortune which i already knew. i did find this saying "If a woman wants a new dress, she must catch a butterfly of the same colour and hold it in her teeth while chanting a magik spell."

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 4:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal- 2c left over mac and cheese, ice cream sandwich: 730cal 11:05p
snack- 1 ice cream sandwich: 150cal 12:30a
snack- bag popcorn: 240cal 2:00a

1308cal total :P im completely over *breathe* yes im upset, *breathe* VERY...upset *breathe* but it will be ok. *breathe* im counting that as my final goodbye to weakness. starting tomorrow is a newer, better old me hahahahaha*breeeeeathe!*

the blog that scared me almost to "complete" insanity -as i am already quite a bit insane-

Meg at leak began a post talking about the girl, ann, who appeared on the tyra show that is from americas next top model. the girl who had the super skiny waist. i saw it just now on the news. they showed the part of the tyra show where ann introduced herself. she says she is 6ft 2in 100lbs. mother fuck! with her height shes supposed to be between 153 - 187 for fuck sake! she is at the least 50 below! how in the now "only-accepting-healthy-models-focused" society did she get in??! much less not get caught being underweight, or told to eat more or or or i dunno but fifty three pounds under?? how is she on tv and being awed at? O.O i was only 6lbs under and i started to be told i needed to eat. oh the envy stings hard like a wasp haha XD

they were saying that its wrong for models to look so thin and it gives girls the wrong impression. they brought in a model who said that she hopes tyra will explain what she meant when she said she liked how ann looked because it gives girls out there the idea that they need to look like that and starve themselves. she said that they have swimsuit shows to show people they have healthy bodies and they get that way from eating right and exercise; that they are trying to promote healthy lifestyle not anorexia and starvation. "thin and anorexic and different things." pshh i dont believe them! because i know for myself how i wish i looked and its not like them. i need to be thinner than them. in my mind they are not thin, they are skinny. skinny are the models in the "only-accepting-healthy-models" business and thin are the rare girls who are pure, have control and show off their beautiful bones. im not saying that they have to be anorexic or underweight because i love pictures of healthy skinny fashion models. im just saying i know how i want to look and i want to look thin. my personal definition of thin vs skinny, in the way my brain processes what i see and like, is that thin is a step lighter/smaller than skinny; skinny is still healthy but not what i want for me. i know i wouldnt be happy if i looked skinny because that isnt good enough for me...though i should just stop and shut up now because that dream i had is gone now XD sorry haha irrelevant rambling again!

the other night boyfriend went to sleep earlier than normal. i stayed up because i wasnt tired yet. i had my earphones in listening to my playlist on grooveshark while i read my book and caught up on your blogs. i found this blog on accident: De la mano de tu sombra y el vacío . its spanish for "the hand of your shadow and vacuum" ...i think, i dunno, not sure. if so, lovely title! but anyway i freaked the fuck out! O.o the playlist had finished a few minutes ago and i had the volume on soft. all of a sudden i hear whispering but cant make out what its saying its so soft. it makes me a nervous scared kinda hot and i look around squinting trying to make my eyes adjust to the darkness from the laptop screen. i thought "ok, either your mind seriously finally has had enough and your losing it, or tits fucking up!" then i heard the music and found the player all the way at the bottom of the blog! XD fucking hell im a chicken! i like the song though! it says its called the unfortunate by psyclon nine, going on my playlist ^__^

meal- 2 blueberry waffles: 180cal 5:10p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal (fucking binge!)- 7 chicken tenders, ½c mac and cheese, a whole load of french fries that were at leas 2 Mc Donald size larges, 1 slice pizza: ???

im pretty sure my binge was extremely fucking costly!!! at least 12474.5 from what i could calculate!!! :( im so worthless, totally over today! :( i really hate how weak i am its so gross. but! dont worry! (partially speaking to/convincing myself as well as you girls) i will fix this! tomorrow and all of this next week will be dedicated to fixing every over day this week! it is a VOW! nanee nanee cant break vows! XD im tired of being a weak idiot! just because my dream has been taken away...and i will never ever get it...(i got a glimpse of it twice and it was the happiest ive ever been with myself! i actually grinned at my reflection can you believe it!) but it doesnt mean i have to be weak and give into food all the time! i still have a limit and i still need to keep to it and im going to do that =)

EDIT: i changed that last food entry because i ended up eating more :P and poor boyfriend tripped on the bar on the chair while getting up. he fell into the shelving pushing it hard causing the tv to slowly fall on him, as well as everything else. i saw it all happening in slow motion and i knew it was going to happen when he started getting up. i had time to catch the tv because it was wobbling and slowly, i mean slowly falling, but i just couldnt get there in time :/ isnt that weird and fucked up? the times you can see the future are the times you cant move fast enough to do anything about it? its like your bodys fucked up way of letting you know your shit XD anyway his tv is broken now :( he's so sad. ive never seen him so sad...ive never seen him sad at all really, not like that. it broke my heart when he hid his face with his blanket and i knew he really was very sad.

lovely aspirations before death

i love PostSecret! i have yet to send my secret though, i will =) haha im so odd because finding these litto sites make me happy XD


...really...???!!!it would be utterly terrible for me!
maybe not for graduation since i already did that.but id like that for christmas or my birthday!

i also found this website similar to PostSecret. its called Before I Die I Want To... i thought it was really neat! a bunch of people, whoever want to participate, send in a poloroid of them self stating what it is they want to do before they die. its really sweet-ish ^__^

inspired by that website and also the book im reading, ive made a list of what id like to do before i die. some of them are near to impossible but i stil wish for them.
from least to greatest:

10. visit japan and UK and make a friend in both:
japan- tokyo, shibuya, harajuku, hiroshima
UK- london, exeter, canterbury, mansfield
9. capture a spirit in a photograph
8. kiss a girl
7. find/take photos of an abandoned:
hospital, church, victorian house, asylum
6. have a dalmatian, a ferret and a black Italian Greyhound with white splotches
5. make love on the beach at night
4. become a model/photographer
3. let go of/forgive things my father has done to me and finally tell him how i feel
2. marry boyfriend, be a good wife, get a house of our own
1. get help, find happiness and be at peace with myself

EDIT: ok i tried, i cant stick to 10! im a list maker what can i say XD re-wrote the whole list so you could see where my additions fell in how important they are.i colored the ones i added:

15. visit japan and UK and make a friend in both:
japan- tokyo, shibuya, harajuku, hiroshima
UK- london, exeter, canterbury, mansfield
14. buy a vintage diary, perfume bottle pendant necklace
13. publish a compilation book of all my poetry and short stories
12. grow strawberries and blueberries and pick them with a vintage berry basket
11. capture a spirit in a photograph
10. kiss a girl
9. find/take photos of an abandoned:
hospital, church, victorian house, asylum
8. have a dalmatian, a ferret and a black Italian Greyhound with white splotches
7. make love on the beach at night
6. be fluent in japanese and french. (im somewhat fluent in japanese, i can hold a conversation depending on what the topic is but im not good enough. and i am getting there with french.)
5. become a model/photographer
4. give up red meat for good! (I rarely eat it now but I want to stop completely.)
3. let go of/forgive things my father has done to me and finally tell him how i feel
2. marry boyfriend, be a good wife, get a house of our own
1. get help, find happiness and be at peace with myself
if you dont mind, id like to know, what are the top 10 things you'd like to do/accomplish before you die? =) i want to get to know you all, my bleuets! your so lovely!

meal- 1c mac and cheese: 260cal 3:30p
meal- 1 banana: 105cal 6:20p
snack- 9 baby carrots: 18cal 9:45p
meal- 2 slices California Pizza Kitchen frozen sicilian recipe pizza: 475cal 11:45p

858cal total im over again! fuck sake! im not repeating that tomorrow.

id say girl dont you have enough? you are completely backed up on books and yet you order more!

ok, to begin my post i shall like to calmy, quietly, level-headedly say how. can. they?! GRRR!! how can bryan elsley and jamie brittain be so cruel as to end the 4th season of skins that way?! seriously it is not fair! XD now im going to be wanting to know the rest! gess ill just have to wait until the film next year...if they even finish it up :P (they start filming in september yay!!!) they might not because the ended season 2 with a bit of mystery making you wonder if cassie got back with sid. i mean, i wondered did they argue? did she dump him? what happened?! but i suppose they want us to imagine that for ourselves. going with that, i imagine sid talked to her, told her he loves her and wants her to come home. she cried because he really must love her to fly out there for her like he did, she kissed him and they both left for a fancy hotel until they got a flight back home ^__^

well, things are i little quieter today. boyfriends mom knocked on the door while he was at work and apologized for yelling at me and bringing me into it when i had nothing to do and it wasnt my fault. im glad she doesnt think i did anything or covered up for boyfriend because i was completely in the dark on this one! she is thinking he is into drugs because he goes through phases each month for about a week where he will nodd off, halucinate and do weird things. i wondered and asked if it was because of the vicodin or that pill he takes that is like xanax. he told me its because of his insomnia; lack of sleep. i really dont know what its from. his mom said he needs help. he says he's fine. his mom says not to believe him. i really dont know. i dont think he would lie to me and im trusting that he's right. i think its a mix of insomnia, medication and im scared theres a possibility of something worse thats happening/wrong...im worried and i admit a bit scared. i tend to ignore things and shove them to the back of my head. thats how i deal with things if im not cutting. (thankyu Lorna for being so caring ^__^ dont worry, i wont hurt myself hun. swore off it since the fight last year.) so i feel ok and im not so scared when he is himself. but that one week each month when he isnt, its really...i dunno...how should i put it...worrysome, fearful? i gess that fits. i feel the need to protect him, watch over him and follow him everywhere. he understands and usually lets me; though he doesnt particularly like it, no one like someone following them around keeping track of what they do. we have tiny arguments during those times every month because i turn into the "hen-pecking" girlfriend ^//^ but i cant help it, he is the love of my life, cheesey though it may sound, and i coulndt bare if i listened to him, let him go, and something happened to him. especially knowing i could have prevented it! so yes, i am the girlfriend with the watchful protecting eye XD

sorry to throw the sad in here but i would have been at 502cal today had i not eaten the ice cream. i planned it all out today and planned to also eat a special k bar sometime after the ice cream, i almost didnt. while i was waiting for the dogs to come back in i ate a little of boyfriends ice cream and then took out an ice cream sandwich. stood there staring at it on the counter debating on whether or not i should eat it. i heard it "be weak and eat it? or have control and dont?" it wasnt me...wasnt my thought...I didnt think it...some days its worse than others. i countered it this time "give in to ana? or stay strong to love?" i knew for myself that 502 was too low, too far away from my 800 per day. but after i said that, i couldnt stop going back and forth! which one is real? it can go both ways! : strength is not to eat, strength is to eat; give in to food? give in to ana?; control is putting it back, control is eating it. so i fucked it and put the dam thing away! i cant do it yet, its too much too fast and i just cant do it yet! i dont know whats up and whats down, whats right and whats wrong. sometimes i want to curl up in boyfriends lap and ask him to hold me tight and kiss my head and tell me itll be ok. tell me ill be ok. but i feel like such an idiot to do that XD i ate the special k bar instead of both. got my cals up but its healthier, i can handle it better and i know i have to do it. i love him.

ive been reading "Crash Into Me", its really good! but when i look at the book mark, for some reason it seems to have stain (spelling anyone?) in the same spot for 4 days! :P ive also just gotten "Empress of the World" and "before i fall". oh goodness not to mention i also havent finished "The Passion of Alice" that i borrowed a month ago or all the books that i bought in the past several months: "The Listening House", "Bad Girls Never Die", "Ghost Light", and "Socrates In Love". haha what can i say! my eyes and mind want more than they can read! you should see my Goodreads book shelf! O.o

meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 4:55p
snack- 1 Danon light& fit strawberry yogurt: 80cal 7:00p
meal- 1c spinach, 1 slice deli turkey, ½c green beans, 1tbsp mozarella: 112cal 11:15p
meal- 1c stir fry, a bit of extras for flavor: 50cal 1:30a
snack- ¼c ice cream, 1 Special K strawberry bar: 225cal 2:30a

727cal total

"everythings...so...fragile." - emily fitch

Hopingformore said something, regarding recovery, on my last blog that didnt think of: "It is your happiness and health that is at stake. Try to for your self, but if you can't then think of your boyfriend and do it for him."

.....for yourself, but if you cant, think of boyfriend and do it for him.....

when i read that i had a bit of thinking to do. it made me realize that they say the key to recovery is doing it for yourself, i lack that. i cant do this for myself because quite frankly, i really dont want it. so i am doing it for him, because i dont want to know life without him and if i continue to listen to ana, it will end in me being alone and unhappy, heartbroken. whether i am thin or not i wont be happy if i dont have him. i know it sounds very dramatic of me but life without him just wouldnt exist for me.

dont worry, im not going to do anything, but have you ever thought seriously about ending your life? i thought of pills as a final get back to my drug addict father; what better way to get back at him than to overdose his favorite child on one of the many things he gets high off of?

before i moved here i had also thought of drowning myself in the ocean; going to one of the many sea cliffs we have at home and jumping off into the water. its so rough out there and there isnt much time before the undertow would pull you in or the waves would smash you into the rocks, in which case you cant really say you drowned yourself hehe. i think if they wanted to save me they would have a maximum of 5min to do so, but id go to a deserted beach. we have many.

and lastly i have thought many many many times about just not eating. never eating until i disappear and turn into nothing. especially when my mom and dad used to fight. i have thought about cutting my writs open but that would give me an emo label. i wouldnt care except that im not emo, just an unhappy anorexic.

i LOVE emily!! (from a tv series called skins, i cant wait for the movie in 2011!!!) i think emily and cassie are tied!
in the second episode of season 4 emily says, "i could be dead in a second. Everythings...so...fragile. Didnt you realize that?" and thats true, everything is fragile, life is fragile. sometimes i wonder if my parents understood that fact when they had me. i mean, they didnt have much, my dad was never around, my mom always crying and waiting for him to come home, they always fought and screamed, yelled and threw things at each other. and he was always hitting her and blaming her and his father for why he drinks and does drugs, and thats all even before i was born. im not blaming them wholly for why i am the way i am, but im sure somewhere in my mind all that had to have caused some re-wiring to happen in there. woops, i did forget, i was an accident after all XD i was debated over to be murdered or not O.o

once again i am facing having to leave boyfriend but i think it will probably blow over. i went downstairs to do something with the dogs i dont remember now, it was such chaos! his mom was coming out of the bathroom from having fed her and boyfriends brothers puppy .midget eats in the bathroom otherwise she gets into the big dogs food and eats until her litto tummy balloons so big your afraid to pick her up for she might burst!
"did you feed her?"
"huh? oh ya! i fed both of them." i smile, unaware im about to get blasted.
"ooh fuck!" she goes back in and grabs the bowl and goes back to rhe kitchen.
as she walks she says "i have to talk to you."
"oh, ok."
then she talks quite loud "ive had it with your boyfriend!"
i just stand there with wide eyes and well im sure i had a shocked look. i was completely in need of info.
she yells now "i will not put up with anyone abusing my dog!"
i am utterly at a loss for words and just stand there.
"who did it?!"
".......huh...umm...did. what?"
"dont you pretend...who put my dog down in the basement?!"
i had forgotten boyfriend put the puppy in there. but she wasnt down in the basement, just by the door in her litto kennel. she was barking and crying so much because no one was down there and she doesnt like being in her kennel while boyfriends mom is at work. we needed to sleep so he moved the kennel from in front of the basement door, to behind it. i had forgotten.
"oh that-" she cuts me off.
"ya! that! uhh huh! who did it?!" she's all in my face and yelling and im standing there just...not having words.
then i hear boyfriend at the top of the steps, "i did it!"
she walks over to him and i kinda run away into the dining room to try not to hear because that sort of arguing just gives flashbacks of when i was younger. it terrifies me, i admit i almost cried when she yelled at me. they continue to argue and yell and bring other things into as in most arguments people have. then i hear "kiki...is gone!" that perks my ears to pay attention because thats me! she calls me kiki cuz she couldnt remember kiyomi and kii was too short i gess i dunno. i think "what?! gone??! gone where?!" so i walk back to the kitchen thinking maybe she wanted me to stay there and she was upset that i left.
"i warned you [xxx]!! kiki is gone!! back to hawaii!!"
i stand there listen because i am completely confused at how the topic has switched to me having to go back home! they argue more and then boyfriend goes back upstairs. i couldnt follow because she was between me and him.
she turns around "kiki...im sorry! i told him! i told him 3 weeks ago! if this shit didnt stop, your gone! i told him and he didnt fix it so your going home! im sorry...for you, im sorry! but you have to go!!"
i dont know what it is boyfriend was supposed to "fix" or what "shit" she was referring to that needed to stop, but i think in a week or so it will be ok.

i apologize for yet another depressing read my bleuets. its been a litto difficult up there in my mind. i will give you better material tomorrow...hopefully XD

meal- 1 slice toast, ½ banana: 112.5cal 3:45p
meal- ramen, 1 nikuman: 500cal 11:45p
snack-1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 2:30a

702.5cal total yay! better than my new norm! but thats thanks the awkward feeling of going downstairs where she is...

mirrors are alive and someone is stealing my thoughts

ive seen a bit of change in me, a positive change i think, not very big but a change nonetheless. i feel a tad more ok with myself; a little more at ease. although i still hide from mirrors and close my eyes at any glimpse of myself when i look down to scrub my tummy in the shower or when im undressing/changing because i know she will take over and i cant bare to see myself anymore, it just makes me unhappy and sad. i dont even really like to see myself when i do have clothes on just going to put up my hair or brush my teeth. i dont like seeing how my face has filled in...but i do feel a change in me that seems to be good. i am not sure yet if it is because i am sticking to the 800cal limit i have set for myself, which makes me feel i am still in control despite "recovery" (with the unfortunate exception of today. i ate out of stupidity, sadness and trying to be normal), or because i am exercising alot more than before, or because i am slowly making progress in "getting better"...or because of something else i am unaware of.

i use quotations because i cannot help but feel i do not deserve or need words like: recovery, getting better. i feel like i wasnt sick or bad in the first place. i didnt think i was too thin or appeared malnourished. perhaps it is because i just cant see it; my eyes are, after all, broken. i feel like i was just doing what was best for me. what i needed to be happy and at peace with myself, but i know to the rest of the people in the world who are alarmed by us, i am sick and in need of words like "recovery" :P

contradictingly, there is also a part of me who does feel i am sick and need professional help; like i am too weak to do this; like i am a joke, kidding myself thinking i can do this alone...i am honestly lost in all this...i am not sure of my intentions with any of it...i set my cal limit at 800 in hopes that i will get used to it and will be able to slowly add to it until i am at, what is considered, a normal healthy caloric intake...but is that really what i am doing? i dont know...i feel like that is also my cal limit so that i have an excuse to keep it lower than the "healthy" requirement for a girl my height/age. i want to say it is in the name of recovery but i also want to say it is in hopes that i still lose weight. i truly do not know which one it is and i dont understand how it is that i dont know. i feel like someone is thinking for me, thinking in secret, hiding information from me in my own mind. how is this possible? if i think something, i should know what it is...shouldnt i? it is, after all, my mind...isnt it?

the descent into ana, depression, obsession over food was a slow progressive trip over many years and so i expect the travel back to normality be just as grueling and difficult; right now i am having a bit of trouble trying to figure out where, exactly, i am going with this. i really wish i had a road map...




i took a long tiring time consuming tripa trip to false happinessthinness beauty purity.i learned how to controlhow full im allowed to gethow many pounds i consumehow often i eatto exercise dailyit was not all it seemed to becontrol turned into being controlledpower turned into lack thereofbeauty turned into painpurity turned into liesbut to let go is hardit it still beauty and happiness to mei still want to make it to my destination

but insteadi am now trying to make it on the off ramp to changethe traffic is quite bad right nowit is currently stoppedi have my turn signal ontickingtickingtickingblinkingblinkingblinkingi dont know if the cars will let me throughi feel i may miss the exit...but i want to try my hardest to get inbefore traffic starts flowing and i miss my chancethere is another place called happinessand it is down that off rampi have to try

meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 5:25p
meal- ½c corn, ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola: 280cal 8:30p
meal- ramen, 1tbsp ice cream: 220cal 11:00p
snack- 1 slice Papa John's cheese pizza, 1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o brand pudding cup, 3 cookies: 550cal 1:15a

1580cal total :(

i want to purge, but i wont, i refuse. you hear that ana? i refuse! yes! i am defying you! i made a vow and by golly if i cant be strong and control my eating, i am damn well going to be strong to my promise and control my purging!

muesli and granola cereal to the rescue!...im a pollotarian europoid by the way XD

im a litto upset about my intake today -__- instead of eating all 6 chicken tenders i should have eaten 2 or 3 for fuck sake but instead my fat ass binged all 6 blehhh. i told myself to stop over and over but i just...couldnt. how does a person lack so much control that they cant stop eating when they want to? im not too upset though because most my day was quite healthy! i wont be too upset about high calorie intake if its healthy cereals, fruits and veggies =) that i can handle! so im going to try to make 2 of my meals be muesli, cereal, oatmeal, cream of wheat, bananas, strawberries, spinach, corn, that sort a thing. oh and i bought blueberry bagels last night, i know not a very good idea but i thought of them, wanted them and went with it because im supposed to be trying to get better, which i am, its just fucking hard!

so we finally had time to go grocery shopping and i bought some granola cereal and a litto of the ingredients i need to make muesli. its one of my favorite swedish foods next to pannkaker!

technically i am also swedish. but it gets annoying when people ask my ethnicity, and in order to avoid further unnecessary questions that i could just answer beforehand, i say, "im hapa haole: half japanese, half caucasian: british, swedish, scottish and irish...the ish-es." thats why instead of calling myself hapa haole, which in turn gets the question "what kine hapa haole?" or "what is hapa haole?" (hapa haole=an asian/caucasian mix) or calling myself japanese/caucasian, in which case people then ask the racial ingredients to my caucasoid mixture, id much rather plainly state "japanese/british". though i wish more people knew what a europoid was (an esoteric anthropological word basically meaning a person with races from europe, north africa, the horn of africa and west, central, and south asia.) because wouldnt hearing a person state "i am a japanese europoid." just intrigue you? it does me! maybe i should just stick with that...you know, i think i may ^__^ spread the word a bit, make it better known. ha! and ill take credit when its a well known word XD ill get to say "i started it, i called my self europoid before non-anthropologists knew what it was!"

ive been thinking about making a new blog on different diets. there are so many diets out there but not all of them are reasonable. i have a few that i really think are quality, healthy and that work. of course both the 2468 and ABC diets arent considered as "healthy" by society standards, but for us, it works and i will include them in the blog if i do make it. and also i will include the different vegetarian diet lifestyles such as vegetarian of course, pescatarian, pollotarian, etc. let me know what you think =)

ha! i almost forgot, so far every fortune cookie ive eaten was so fucking on it! the recent ones said:

"Satisfaction is a full reward." so true! heres my interpretation on this one because we avoid feeling full= "satisfaction of thin beauty is a full reward."

"There is always time for you to try a new path in in life." this one was when i decided to move up here, an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, to be with boyfriend.

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial." i ate that one a day after me and boyfriend had our fight. i thought, "a little late huh?" wasnt that completely ironic though, that a day, a DAY after i decide to try to get better for boyfriend, because i realized how much i love him, he finds out and we fight?

and the last one "You will be hungry again in one hour." to which my initial thought was "ug, your so right -__-" then my second thought as i rolled my eyes and tossed it on the bin "fuck you mind reading pieces of paper!" XD i showed boyfriend and told him "why do all these things seem to be directly linked to me?" he giggled when he read it. it is kinda cool!
i like to open up the back of my phone, where the battery is, and keep the most current one in there. sort of in hopes for good fortune. the rest are in a tiny "fortune cookie box" ^__^ kinda pack rat/cheesey-ish but i like to remember the points in my life that they matched, if they didnt, which hast happened yet, i throw it away.

meal- 1c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 176cal 3:40p
snack- ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola, 1/2 banana: 252.5 6:00p
meal- ½banana: 52.5cal 9:15p
snack- 1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 11:55p
snack- 1 fortune cookie: 30cal 12:55a
meal- 6 chicken tenders: 250cal 2:30a

761cal total