an old poem i wrote july of last year =)

im starting to get the hang of ignoring my tummy growling again ^__^ its an awesome feeling to finally have control back! plus with the help of all those new recipes ive made i think ill be on track and good to go soon as i get to go grocery shopping! :D

1/4c shrimp chips: 26cal 1:00p
1 slice Little Ceasar's cheese pizza: 200cal 6:50p (purge 7:00p)
1/2 slice Little Ceasar's pepperoni pizza: 230cal 6:50p (purge 7:00p)

544under
446cal eaten
430-10%= 387cal purged
59cal net total ^__^

The Girl In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror,
I see a girl that stares back at me.
At first glance she appears happy and delightful,
Not a care in the world.
But if I look closer,
I catch a glimpse of a deeper person.
I gaze deeper at the sight before me...
I see a sparkle in her eyes,
But it is a tear about to fall.
Her eyes reflect the pain in her life,
They are pleading for an escape.
There is a smile on her face,
But I soon find it is a mask.
Her voice is soft and sweet.
But if I listen harder,
It shakes with fear and uncertainty.
What I mistook for a beautiful, white summer dress,
Has turned to torn rags filled with dirt and debris.
When I first looked into that mirror,
I saw what seemed to be a flowering vine which surrounded her,
Entangled in her delicate limbs.
But as I stared longer,
I saw they are chains.
They wrap so tight around her.
Digging into her pale white skin,
She can barely breathe,
She is gasping for air.
The wonderful fragrance I thought was the flowers,
Became the stench of blood and wound.
Flowing from her like crimson tears,
Streaming down her tiny figure;
She is fading.
Her wounds become scars
Damaging her for life,
Visible to those she trusts,
And those she doesn't.
She realizes I see her true self,
Now she looks at me.
She stares with a gaze so intense,
Almost hypnotic,
Begging for freedom.
I stand in a place she should be able to touch.
A place she yearns for,
Freedom.
Her hand reaches out toward me,
Toward this place she longs for so deeply,
The cold, heartless surface of the mirror is what she feels instead.
She pounds the glass, but it will not break,
She claws at the chains but they never ease their grasp.
I place my warm hand to the ice cold mirror.
My heart aches to see her caged, torn soul.
I must help her before she wilts away to nothing.
But how will I give my aid?
I can do nothing.
I am weak.
This mirror stands in my way,
Should I shatter it?
If I do so,
Will a stray shard pierce her fragile heart;
Giving her yet another scar?
Or even death?

no wonder kings are fat.......

well i was doing good today. but we ate burger king...that says it all right there...am i ever gonna make it?! i want my tummy not only to be flat, but concave! i want my spine, ribs and clavicles to be visible.

awesome thinspo that i found!

i have to focus, what do i want to look like?

the old me? or this that could be the new happier me?

(from earlier today in my previous post)
1/4c honey nut cheerios: 110cal 12:00p
3/4 slice toast: 45cal 5:00p
3/4 tsp strawberry jelly: 13cal 5:00p

1 Burger King cheese burger: 310cal 10:30p (purge 10:45p)
1 Burger King value fries: 220cal 10:30p (purge 10:45p)


302cal under
698cal eaten :(
530-10%= 477cal purge
221cal net total

my shopping list

Alouette brie
shredded mozzarella
Laughing cow lite swiss cheese
Cool Whip
Rice Dream or Turtle Mountain or Tofutti or Swedish Glace (all non-dairy frozen desserts)
eggs
zucchini
celery
baby carrots
lettuce
package salad
broccoli
asparagus
strawberries
cantaloupe or honeydew melon
tomatoes
deli turkey or chicken
tuna
All Bran garlic and herb crackers
Gold Fish parmesan
Barnum's animal crackers
Pepperidge Farms baked naturals cheese crisps

YAY! hats, clothes and 1944 literature

it was neat, his mom took me with her to goodwill and she bought me some clothes and stuf ^__^ i got several tops, 2 skirts, some socks 3 summer hats, 3 baseball caps (im a hat person ^//^ i collect them), some belts and a wonderful book!!! im a SUCKER for old books! :D it was made in 1944, smells wonderfully like old books. its called "The Listening House" by Mabel Seeley. aaand!!! another thing that makes today EVEN awesomer is that i only ate twice today and its 5:30p! and it wasnt cuz i wasnt hungry, boy was i! i just told myself "ah, i dont need it" =) and when i was eating my toast, i play around on the computer while i eat and i drink water too, so i take a bite here and there and i kinda just didnt want it after i finished the 3rd piece. so, i threw it away ^__^ i hope i can keep it up!!! i dont want anymore binge episodes! ill post the rest of my food intake later today.


1/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 12:00p
1/4 sclie toast: 45cal 5:00p
1/4 of 1tsp strawberry jelly: 13cal 5:00p



832cal under
168cal eaten

hunger is just a feeling, it will pass.

i dont have to eat everytime i feel my tummy growl.

satisfy tummy growl=tummy growth

recipes under 100cal

just some recipes for me to remember ^__^

2c cooked spinach: 14cal

1 stalk celery: 6cal
2tsp mozzarella: 26cal
31cal

10 strawberries: 20cal

1c boiled asparagus: 40cal

8 strawberries: 16cal
2tsp cool whip:25cal
41cal

8 strawberries: 16cal
2tsp sugar: 30cal
46cal

2 slices turkey: 44cal
2 lettuce leaves: 2cal
mustard: 0cal
46cal

1c cooked spinach: 7cal
1tbsp motzarella: 40cal
47cal

1 laughing cow lite swiss cheese wedge :35cal
1c sliced cucumber: 14cal
49cal

2c steamed/boiled broccoli: 50cal

8 strawberries: 16cal
2tsp Hershey chocolate sauce: 34cal
50cal

1/2c cantaloupe: 27cal
2tsp cool whip: 25cal
51cal

1 stalk of celery: 6cal
1tbsp Alouette brie: 45cal
51cal

3 Keebler Club crackers: 52.5cal

1c cantaloupe: 54cal

2 scrambled egg whites: 34cal
1/2 tbsp mozzarella: 20cal
54cal

1c honeydew melon: 60cal

1stalk celery: 6cal
1 hard boiled egg: 54cal
60cal

1c boiled asparagus: 20cal
1tbsp mozzarella: 40cal
60cal

1 laughing cow lite swiss cheese wedge: 35cal
10 baby carrots: 25cal
60cal

9 Kellogg's All Bran garlic and herb crackers: 63cal

2tbsp tuna: 30cal
3tbsp rice: 34cal
64cal

1c steamed/boiled broccoli: 25cal
1tbsp mozzarella: 40cal
65cal

toast: 50cal
tsp jelly: 17cal
67cal

1 sheet Hone Maid graham crakers: 65cal
2 strawberries: 4cal
69cal

1/2 medium zucchini (sliced): 16cal
topped/baked with 1 1/2tbsp mozzarella: 60cal
76cal

1 sheet Hone Maid graham crakers: 65cal
1tbsp Cool Whip :13cal
78cal

1c boiled cabbage: 34cal
1tbsp corned beef: 35cal
pepper: 0cal
79cal

1/2 baked potato: 80cal
pepper: 0cal
salt: 0cal

1c honeydew melon: 60cal
1/2c cantaloupe: 27cal
87cal

1 slice toast: 60cal
2tsp Alouette brie: 30cal
90cal

1 slice toast: 60cal
2tsp Alouette brie: 30cal
90cal

1 slice bread: 60cal
toasted with tad mustard: 0cal
1/2 tbsp mozzarella: 30cal
90cal

1 medium tomato sliced: 35cal
1tbsp mozzarella: 60cal (melted on top)
95cal

1 medium tomato: 35cal
1tbsp mozzarella: 60cal
1/4tsp garlic powder: 2cal
(hollow out tomato, chop up the insides, mix with cheese, bake with pepper, garlic powder on top)
97cal

pretty good day =)

1 Granny Smith apple: 80cal 12:00p
1 Slice Little Caesars thin crust cheese pizza: 140cal 12:30p
1/4c Boston Cream Pic ice cream: 62cal 2:30p
2 Cookies: 340cal 5:00p (purge 5:10p)
~1/3 of a 1/4c Boston Cream Pie ice cream: 21cal 5:00p (purge 5:10p)
1/2 Caesar salad: 245cal 7:45p


112cal under
888cal eaten
361-10%= 324.9cal purge
563.1cal net total

ana speaks, painful inspiration

i was going to eat cheerios for my 6:00 meal but 2 spoonfulls in and i bit my lip so hard! it hurt so bad! it bled and made a hole O.O i lost my appetite and threw it all away. would have been good except i cheated :P i ate a cookie, a graham cracker and a butterfinger crisp an hour later. i purged it though, i couldnt stand the thought of it in my system. half because i wasnt hungry and the other half because i was punishing myself for cheating, i didnt eat again till 11.

(earlier today in my previous blog)
21 shrimp chips: 67cal 1:00p
2 Scrambled egg whites: 34cal 3:10p
Shoyu: 1cal 3:10p
Milk: 4cal 3:10p
Motzarella: 9cal 3:10p
Ketchup: 5cal 3:10p

2 spoonfulls honey nut cheerios: 10cal 5:10p
~1tsp milk: ~5cal 5:10p
1 Cookie: 170cal 6:00p (purged 6:10p)
1 Graham cracker: 110cal 6:00p (purged 6:10p)
1 Butterfinger crisp: 270cal 6:00p (purged 6:10p)
1/2 Cesar salad: 245cal 11:00p

85cal under
915cal eaten
550-10%= 495cal purged
420cal net total

^__^

happy note this is what ive eaten so far today! im kinda happy with it! =) i hope im less than 500 today, thats what im shooting for!

21 Shrimp chips: 67cal 1:00p
2 Scrambled egg whites: 34cal 3:10p
Shoyu: 1cal 3:10p
Milk: 4cal 3:10p
Motzarella: 9cal 3:10p
Ketchup: 5cal 3:10p

880cal under
120cal eaten so far ^__^

failure in a surprise...

had i not eaten all that fucking burger king last night, i would have been at around 700cal for the day. (i didnt have time to blog last night cuz we were busy packing/moving) i want to complain because its so bad that i ate it and i felt so gross about it...but it was a surprise that he got for me...i didnt know weather to go, "awww thank you! your so sweet", or "oooh shiiit, what now?" but no matter which way i thought i still smiled and said thank you. he didnt stay with me the whole time so what i shooould have done was eat a only a little of the fries, eat the chicken, sip on the drink, throw away the ranch and hide and throw away the fries and dump the drink down the sink when i wash it out later...but nooo...i ate it all so fast it was rediculous! it put me on the verge of a binge! it made me want to go out there and eat more O.O but! i stopped myself! :D that brightened my mood about the whole thing a little. plus i purged it before my shower =) that and the fact that he thought of me to get me that makes me feel less of a fat ass ^//^

1/2 Red delicious apple: 40cal 11:10a
Ramen w/sesame oil: 160cal 1:10p
1 slice toast: 60cal 3:10p
Tsp mustard: 0cal 3:10p
1tbsp motzarella 30cal 3:10p
Graham crackres: 110cal 5:00p
1 cookie: 70cal 7:00p
4pc Burger King chicken tenders: 180cal 10:50p (purged 11:05p)
1 value fries: 220 10:50p (purged 11:05p)
Ranch sauce: 170cal 10:50p (purged 11:05p)
1 Cherry: 110cal 10:50p (purgqd 11:05p)

150cal over T__T
1150cal eaten
680-10%= 612cal purged
538cal net total

a step closer in the right direction

todays cals werent very much lower than any other day, BUT im happy about today because i kept with my time slots! :D i was super depressed yesterday because i failed big time and was embarrassed of how much i had eaten, so i made sure not to fail today! plus i exercised a bunch my bodys all shaky but i love that feeling. and when we went to the grocery store, i didnt even think twice about getting anything...well see if i can keep this up...i better!!! my throat still hurts too, its swollen :( i gess thats a good thing, makes me think triple about binging cuz i cant throw up anything at all, theres absolutely no way any bulk amounts of food can get through there.

1/4c Honey Nut Cheerios: 110cal 1:30p
2tbsp 2% milk: 30cal 1:30p
1/4 Red Delicious Apple: 20cal 1:30p
2/3pkg Oatmeal: 86.6cal 3:30p
1/2 Red Delicious Apple: 40cal 5:45p
1/4c Shrimp chips: 26cal 7:35p
8.6 of a serving of hashbrowns : 150cal 9:30p
100cal Klondike ice cream sandwich: 100cal 11:30p



437.4cal under
562.6cal eaten

im a failure yet again :(

i HATE myself!!! im so depressed :( i was doing so good today but when dinner came i was hungry and i thought what the heck ill binge and purge...well i binged and i couldnt hardly throw up anything! >: my body wouldnt let me for some reason, its fucked up!! i tried and tried and tried...nothing. my throat hurts :( i did a ton of crunches to make up for it but it doesnt ease my mind cuz i know crunches arent for burning cals, theyre for toning my tummy...FUCK! i hate myself so much! right when i think, oh! im starting to get better control of myself...BOOM! it all fucks up and ive fell into a greasy, fat, blubbery, sick, disgusting ditch :( whats wrong with me?! why cant i do anything right on my own? why does someone always have to hold my hand?? im an adult now! i should be able to do things on my own right?! well thanks mom, thanks dad, thanks to everyone else who have told me "your too young" "ill take care of it" "ill write the letter for you" "you dont have enough expirience" "youll get hurt" "its too dangerous" THANK! YOU! you've successfully held my hand and done things for me all my life that i cant do things on my own!!! tell me, what have "I" accomplished huh? what have "I" done? what is mine to claim? what do i have to be proud of?! NOTHING THATS WHAT?! >: im a failure, a baby, a person who is always scared, a person who is always unsure of myself, a person who always needs to be told if what im doing is ok or right............i hate me......................

i dont even want to log what ive eaten today but i have to :(

1 1/1 Slices of toast: 90cal 2:52p
1 1/2tsp Strawberry jelly: 7.5cal 2:52p
1 Red delicious apple, no skin: 80cal 6:17p
1/4c Shrimp chips: 26cal 8:03p
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich: 220cal10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Swiss cheese turkey wrap: 163cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Mini Milky Way candy bar: 190cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Chicken pita bread sandwich: 310cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)
Hostess Cinnamon Streusel Cake: 170cal 10:10p (failed purge attempt)


256.5cal over :'''(
1256.5cal eaten

i want to cry :'( i hate myself im so fat! im so gross i cant stop looking at my fat thighs and stomach its so gross. it takes three, THREE, hands to wrap around my thighs! :'''( and my stomach has a crease in the middle when i sit its so gross! its embarrassing to put this on the internet (even though i have no blogger followers) but maybe embarrassing myself about how disgusting i am will make me think twice the next time i think about doing what i did today. i better remember, the next time i tell myself "what the hell, i can always purge", i might not be able to purge and then ill be fat and gross for one more day longer. how the fuck do i have a boyfriend??!! what does he see?? he always says that im beautiful and to stop worrying, but i just dont see it. whats so beautiful about me??? i hate me!!!

"i dont look in the mirror, i dont like what i see staring back at me, everything is clearer, ill never see what you see...i was born so beautiful, but now im ugly...i know im nothing, i know theres nothing i can say...im good enough but i dont care, im good enough but im not there..."

tips

when i get hungry:
make a list of all the reasons why you shouldnt and all the good things that come from not eating.
take a walk, jog or exerscise and think of why you shouldnt be eating yet.
look at a picture of your body so you can see how disgusting it is
snap a rubber band on your wrist
clean somthing gross
brush your teeth
pinch your fat and see if you want to eat then


to get fuller faster:
eat on dark plates, bowls, etc.
take small bites
pause between bites, put your fork down and focus on chewing whats in your mouth
drink lots of water between bites
chew a lot before swallowing
eat with my left hand
eat infront of the mirror
freeze my food
wear tight jeans
eat fiber
dont watch tv or sit on the bed while you eat. concentrating on your food makes you full faster

if you have to eat out:
eat half and take the rest home for later
eat an amount that equals about a fist size
choose the smallest burger and get it with mustard and/or ketchup, not mayonaise
pick from the kids meal
stick to fish, salads, rice, and chicken
stay away from fried foods if possible


diet tips:
avoid fried foods!!!
count calories from foods not drinks but try not to drink too much soda, sweet tea, lemonade
eat breakfast and lunch, or just breakfast, not dinner. the body doesnt have enought time to burn the calories before you sleep. either that, or eat at least 4hrs before sleeping.
stay away from the kitchen
eat lighter colored fish
dont stare at food and drive yourself to over eating
drink vitamin water or take vitamin pills to keep your body healthy
eat half and throw the reast away before you have a chance to eat more. you cant eat whats in the garbage
eat melons in the morning
eat vegetarian meats and cheeses, they have less cals
weigh yourself before and after eating
eat negative calorie foods twice a day

eat negative calorie foods: (they burn more calories to digest than how many calories they are)
apples
cranberries
grapefruits
lemons
mangos
oranges
pineapples
raspberries
strawberries
tangirines
asparagus
beets
broccoli
green cabbage
carrot
cauliflower
celery
hot chili peppers
cucumbers
garden cress
garlic
green beans
lettuce
onions
papayas
radishes
spinach
turnips


metabolism boosters:
seaweed
strawberries, cherries, blueberries
green tea
ice water
cold or hot liquids
spicy foods
cold showers
50 sit ups every morning


other tips:
get an appropriate amount of sleep. if you sleep at least 6hrs a day you will lose more weight and be less hungry
moisterize the areas of the body with more fat to keep it from wrinkling as you lose weight
dont slouch, keep tummy tight, it burns more cals
exerscise twice the amout of cals you comsume
play jumprope or jump on a trampoline
practice the 4 D's " dont relapse, distract yourself, decide your goals, distance yourself from food

getting better...a bit

i actually kept with my restrictions taday =) .....welllll except for the time restrictions :( this morning, i should say afternoon, i always wake up late, he brought me gummy bears as a surprise so i ate some. then later i had a little bowl of ramen for breakfast, or brunch ^__^ for lunch i had 2 pieces of toast w/some strawberry jelly, no butter. and not too long ago i had honey nut cheerios for dinner and im not planning on eating a snack =) i feel so good today! i will get better with the time and i will keep it up! ^__^


11 Gummy bears: 55cal 2:19p
Ramen w/sesame oil, no soup: 160cal 2:55p
2 Slices of toast: 120cal7:47p
2tsp Strawberry jelly: 10cal 7:47p
3/4c honey nut cheerios: 110cal 10:20p
1/4c 2% milk: 60cal 10:20p

515cal eaten
485cal under :D

lots of calories for the fat purging pig

i got hungry when we got home from the picnic since i purged it :/ so i mini binged :(

Red delicious apple: 80cal 4:40p (purge 5:00p)
Pita bread sandwich: 310cal 4:45p (purge 5:00)
100cal Klondike ice cream sandwich: 100cal 8:45p
3 Triscuits: 60cal 9:50p

when it came time for dinner i thought about just eating a pbj but that turned out to be 280cal and i saw the ramen was 190 so i ate that without the soup and a kit kat shortly afterward...fat fucking ass!

Ramen: 180cal 11.10p
Kit Kat: 133cal 11:42p

heres the total of everything i ate today :'''(

Triscuit: 20cal 3:00p
Half cookie: 50cal 650p
Steak: 280cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Baked potato: 278 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Ketchup: 30cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Hostess cupcake: 210cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Hostess cinnamon streusel cake: 170cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)
Red delicious apple: 80cal 4:40p (purge 5:00p)
Pita bread sandwich: 310cal 4:45p (purge 5:00)
100cal Klondike ice cream sandwich: 100cal 8:45p
3 Triscuits: 60cal 9:50p
Ramen: 180cal 11.10p
Kit Kat: 133cal 11:42p

901cal over
1901cal eaten :'''(
1358-10%= 1344.2cal purged
556.8cal net total

though i dont really feel it counts, purging makes me feel so much better.


i feel SO stupid!!! no wonder i eat so much and cant stick to it! theres a whole ton of calories to spare so i keep telling myself "ah, its ok, just eat it, you got a ton left" well duhhh! its because i havent been restricting myself to the 166cal limit i made for 6 meals a day. ive been saving up the calories i dont use for one big meal. i have to train my stomach first, i cant just jump right back into it without shrinking it down to its natural fist size. its not much of a change yet cuz im still at 1000cal per day :/ but it brings me closer to my first GW =)




mon, wed, fri, sun:
6 meals a day
166cal per meal

or

alternating 3 meals and 3 snacks per day
166cal per meal/snack
1000cal or less per day

snack rule: must be snack foods: crackers, apples, celery etc.
meal rule: no substituting meals for snacks and snacks for meals.
snacks may be skipped, but once skipped thats it, no deciding to eat one 30min later.
snacks cannot be saved and eaten back to back.
time between meals/snacks: 2-4hrs between food consumption.
saving rule: saved cals cannot be added to the following meals.
reward for cal saving: less cals consumed for the day and closer to GW.

tue, thu, sat:
3 meals a day
333cal per meal
1000cal or less per day

snack rule: must be snack foods: crackers, apples, celery etc.
meal rule: no substituting meals for snacks and snacks for meals.
time between meals/snacks: 2-4hrs between food consumption
saving rule: im allowed to use left over cals from each meal for a snack 2hrs later.
saved cals cannot be added to the following meals.
reward for cal saving: snacks

picnic function day

continuing from yesterday, remember the steak and baked potato for dinner last night? i ended up doing a small binge and purge. i just thought "ah what the fuck!" and i ate the whole steak, the baked potato with the skin, ketchup, a hostess cupcake, the ones with the chocolate top and cream filling, and a crumb cake. O.o dam im a fat ass! i know i purged the 968cal from the dinner binge, but i still feel like i ate all those cals...

(from previous blog)

Triscuit: 20cal 3:00p

Half cookie: 50cal 650p

(todays blog)

Steak: 280cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Baked potato: 278 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Ketchup: 30cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Hostess cupcake: 210cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Hostess cinnamon streusel cake: 170cal 11:35p (purge 11:47p)

Plus the triscuit and half cookie earlier today (in my previous blog)

38cal over -__-

1o38cal eaten

968-10% = 871.2cal purged

166.8cal net total

after dinner i sketched a pretty good picture if i do say so myself ^__^ i dont have my camera right now, its being borrowed, so ill take a pic tomorrow. for now, heres what i copied it from:

(i didnt take this pic, i found it on the internet.)

we had to go to a picnic function sorta thing today. i got kinda depressed cuz some of the guys were playing baseball and there were people everywhere and food and games and kids...it just made me so sad. my heart hurt. it reminded me about when my dad used to play softball and we'd go out to his softball picnics...i want to go back in time. i miss my young carefree life. i miss daddy's little girl. i miss the happy family i used to naively believe we were. i cried for a minute but i didnt want anyone to know so i hid my face. luckily it was ok, i was able to regain myself and be normal.

of course, there was food though. i couldnt say i had already eaten since they know i didnt, they were with me thr whole time. so i ate a hamburger with hardly any ketchup at all, i wiped most of it off, and about 13 doritos. i took extra small bites and picked on the bun. i was only gonna eat half and throw the rest away but i dunno, i couldnt :/ damit i can never stay on track! i got upset so i went to the bathroom and purged it all. then i felt so much better! relief! funny thing was i was only thinking about hurrying and getting it all out that i ended up purging in the mens bathroom hehe when i saw the urinals i just thought it was unisex. some parks do have unisex bathrooms.

Hamburger: 420cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)

Bun: 120cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)
Ketchup: 4.3cal 1:20p (purge 1:30p)
Doritos: 185.5cal 1:25p (purge 1:30p)

270.2cal under OMGOSH thats so close!
729.8cal eaten
729.8-10%= 656.82cal purged
73.6cal net total

date has been posponed :( but i deserve it cuz im a fat ass

well today was supposed to be my first date, but the tire was flat this morning :( i was going to try to suppress the guilt i get when i eat anything because its my first date and i wanna be happy and enjoy it. we were going to eat tuna sandwiches and some chips and hang out at the park together. i was going to make sure i keep the food under my diet restrictions and bring lots of water, but i gess ill remember to do that when we do go on our date. i think probably next saturday. i cant wait!!! :D


for dinner we're gonna have steak and baked potato! O.o uggggg, do you know how many calories are in that?! 480 for the steak and 194 for the baked potato! without the skin or butter or anything -__- so since im halfing it, its 280 for the steak...thats 474!!! plus the 70 from earlier makes it 544 OMGOSH! i shouldnt have eaten the triscuit and half that cookie...ooooh im so BAD! i already want to purge! im gonna try to eat less than my half, but they might think somethings wrong with me...ug




1 Triscuit: 20cal 3:00p
half cookie: 50cal 6:50p

930cal under...not for long... T__T
70cal eaten

unsuccessful success

ok so good news, dinners over and i got away with taking 2 slices of pizza. i ate most of one and fed half of the other to the dogs. ahhh they come in handy ^__^ i made sure to eat more of the crust than the cheese and the pepperoni. then i just hung out for a little while and ate a 100cal ice cream...thennn he came in the room all happy and said "i got you something..." and handed me a crumb cake O.o sooo i ate it...ug im so fat! i know, i have to make up for it tomorrow. i SO have to!


Pizza: 269.3cal
Klondike 100cal ice cream sandwich: 100cal
Hostess cinnamon streusel cake: 170cal


460.7cal under
239.3cal eaten


thats supposed to be good considering i have a 1000cal limit per day...but i still feel like i broke my diet...especially most of it was pleasure food, bleh. theres no pleasing this food eating guilt. i hate it anytime i eat i feel guilty unless its a fruit or vegetable! even if it says its healthy, its for dietors, its low calorie, i still feel like i cheated my diet. i eat too much thats all there is too it. i see something i like and it just looks so good! i HAVE to get myself under control! everyone takes care of me and does everything for me -even if i dont want it- and i cant even take care of the one thing i can keep track of on my own! im so weak and immature -__-



think thin, think thin, think thin

eat to live dont live to eat

back to it

i keep trying to loose but i fail. i keep cheating my diet! im 5' 107lbs, ug. i was 95 for fuck sake! i want to be 80lbs at least...or i should say at most. i havent eaten all day =) its 6:41p i hope i can remember my goals when i start to want food, eat less, much less...i have about 7hrs more to go before i can sleep through the rest of my stomach growlings. i get headaches everyday and im pretty sure its because im not eating enough but tylenol can usually fix that, if not a nap helps sometimes and it gets my mind off food.


i checked the calorie counter and it says i should eat 1260cal to loose 1lb per day, but thats not gonna work for me! since i havent been on an actual diet in a while i gess ill start slow to make sure i dont break it :( but im gonna make it smaller than that stupid calculator said.


first goal: cut down considerably! 1000cal a day at most! and of course cold water at hand 24/7.


so that means about 165cal per meal (i round lower rather than higher) if i wanna eat 6x a day. gotta trick the stomach =) but i think im gonna go with eating a tiny bit when i wake up to start my metabolism, then not eating again until im hungry, that way ill eat less in a day. but if i have to eat regular tonight, because i have no idea what theyre dinner planns are, i gess ill have to shower after dinner so i can purge. -__- well at least im free from food for breakfast since i wake up late, and im free from lunch too cuz nobody really cares about that.


i thought i was gonna start yesterday but of course after i ate that one tuna sushi i had to eat another -__- and then he made a sandwich for me so what was i gonna do? i cant throw it away, the trash can was full and the toilets a no, plus he sat with me...i had to eat it...then he brought in some dessert after that and i thought "oooh shit...*sigh* its gonna have to be tomorrow i gess. man im so disgusting!" after i ate i looked at my stomach and its so grosss! im looking at it now and ugg so disgusting...so today! today im going to do it!


starting weight: 107lbs
starting diet limit: under 1000cal per day

!!!THINSPO!!!