attention my little blueberries!

that beautiful cat girl has inspired me to fix myself. i cant stop seeing her body and wishing it was mine! bad enough every girl i see, be her on television or passing on the streets, im analyzing her body and searching for strengths and weaknesses, and now i got one to humiliate me right next door! i feel embarrassed to walk outside...how pathetic :P so back to exercise with me! for i am no longer sick with a fever. back to eating healthy, for greasy food is not helping my tummy, and back to 95lbs i go for i need to stabilize my mind! and i have proof that i am medically allowed to go down to 95lbs, see: height to weight ratio

that is all -thankyu.

ps- i know, ive been talking about getting back to eating healthy for 2 months now and havent done it yet :P its kinda hard to eat healthy when you dont pay for the groceries, which is another reason, EMPLOYERS WHOSE COMPANIES I APPLY TO GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE!

ok, that is all.

i wanna be that cat girl!

well.......i HAD to think of something that fucked me up, now didnt i? we went to a halloween party last night and the lady that lives across the street was hosting. she wore a black, skin-tight cat costume with an open chest and back. i couldnt help but secretly stare at her. she's not my type at all though because, well i just dont like lady's like her but...her body...it just made me miss mine is all...it made me envious! jealous in fact! and a tad bit angry as to why her body is ok with everyone and mine was not. her thighs dont touch, her spine is noticeable and even the bony ribs in her chest space by her sternum were showing! i want all of that back! the only physical thing ive left that comforts me and lets know im not completely back to being a fat ass as i was, are my clavicles. i find myself, i suppose you could say caressing them haha! XD while im watching television or riding in the car i stroke them and love them. sounds a bit mental of me doesnt it? :P im just glad they are still there! its all i have to tie me to the memories of how strong i was, the only thing to confirm and prove to me that i am a strong person no matter how weak people say or think i am...which is ALOT of people...actually, its everyone i know...oh well, i gess i cant change that view they have of me; ive tried.

pangs of relapse, however im pushing through

the more i see myself in the mirror and the more i take notice to how much food im consuming lately on a daily basis, the more im beginning to feel the pangs of relapse nudging me, telling me i need to eat less and exercise more. i need to hurry and get myself back to 95lbs before i go into a full blown relapse and have to start again from the beginning. the problem with me that has been from the start, is that i really miss being myself. i miss being stronger than everyone else. every time i look at my tummy or my thighs or my but, all i see is fat and weakness, failure. sometimes i am ok with how i look. sometimes i can actually hear the words boyfriend tells me when he says im beautiful, but unfortunately no matter how often, how much, or how in detail a person may go into about how they see me as pretty, it just doesnt matter. yes it makes me feel good and im not saying i dont like it, i do, i appreciate it very much (if its someone i know. if its from a person i dont know it just makes me uncomfortable and i usually phase it out haha). but it only lasts a moment. i feel good for a moment...if i even believe it, if im not just smiling and laughing it off while thinking in my head "how can you think that? im ugly, dont you see?" there are times i can feel pretty; i have my moments of vanity thus my pictures on facebook, but for some reason it can go away in an instant without warning, poof! back to feeling less than everyone else. i found if im feeling ugly or gross, all my pictures turn out the same way; ugly and gross.


i really cant wait to get a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist (not sure cuz im not into meds, but if i need it then...i gess). i need to have all these things delt with. ive made a small summary of things that i need help with/addressed so that im not a bunch of mumbled quiet whispers of stuttering hesitations on my firstsecondthirdfourthfifth appointment:

ANA/MIA:
obviously haha!

BDD:
ditto XD

OCD:
calories
food amount
emptying/cleaning my plate
shower routine
neatness
order
people touching me
touching peoples things
sitting in poeples chairs
odd numbers

SAD (social anxieties):
nervousness at gatherings
nauseous feeling
clinging to those i know
chewing on lip
picking at fingers
butterflies
sweaty palms
stuttering
hesitation
vulnerable feeling without security blankets ex-my bag, my camera, my jacket, the person i went with
quietness
declining invitations to avoid all of the above

PTSD:
being around drunks
anger toward drinkers
instantly fearing/hating those who smoke marijuana and having flashbacks
flashbacks during heated arguments/loud fights/angry swearing
fear/anxiety at the smell of beer or marijuana

OTHER:
fear of men
finger tapping when stressed or preoccupied
compulsive face picking (dont tease me...it embarrasses me...)

on the happy side, last night before i got my dinner, boyfriend said "be careful when you eat that, its very filling." i was so happy! he helped! :D

me and boyfriend took the dogs on a little hike in the woods =) it was super fun! the leaves are turning brownish-orange, the sky was beautiful, the air was crisp and the stream was almost nothing. it made for perfect pictures! the dogs had fun, i had fun and so did boyfriend :D boyfriend wanted to find a snake so we looked but no luck :P however we did find salamanders!!!...i think they were salamanders anyway haha! ive never seen one and i was so excited! AND we're going to go on a picnic there soon, its so beautiful in there! depending, we may even camp there a night :D i LOVE camping!

people give a fuck for the wrong things :P

<--- MY NEWLY PIERCED LIP!!! :D i was told something today that made me...i want to say, upset, but i think mad or bothered fits better. i dont understand why people cant see the deeper things that need to be addressed or considered in my situation. like ive mentioned before, all they see is weight and healthiness. they dont care about feelings or sickness...its like it doesnt even phase them...why not?! arent those things more important?? arent those the things that need to be dealt with/fixed first, in oder to next accomplish stabilizing the other two? first, it is my mind which is the biggest problem. my mind causes me too see myself in ways which i feel i need to fix, ways which i dont really need to fix. second, it is my feelings which keep my drive to recover, going. without positive feelings, my mind relapses, i restrict, and i begin to hate recovery. we can now move into weight and healthiness. if my mind is not stabilized, if my happiness is diminished, if my self hate has grown, if my drive is gone, what does my health or weight matter? why do those two things come before the things which should be more important? ill tell you why: it is too difficult or too tiresome for people to understand, to even attempt to comprehend, why my/your mind works the way it does. they do not want to see the reasons a person may have for wanting/needing to be unhealthily thin, wanting/needing to eat less or not at all, wanting/needing to purge. that is the only reason i can see why a person can disregarded feelings for weight.

i had an amazing trip while visiting my cousin. with her, i felt that there was someone who wanted to help me and wanted to understand. i suppose that is the therapist in her, she will make a wonderful one! she gave me tips to help with my eating, tips to help me keep my feelings in check when i feel the need to purge, she made me more aware of myself, and most/best of all, she loved me and spoke with me about it. we had such open conversations about self harm, eating disorders, OCD, social anxiety and BDD that i felt "wow, she loves me. she really wants to help me." see, in my normal situations, if these things are to be talked about, i have to be the one to bring it up. over time it gets to feel like no one really gives a shit because no one cares enough to say from their side "hey, how are you feeling? is this too much for you?" ex- hugs, kisses, sex or even conversation, if its always going to be you to make the first move, it begins to feel as if no one really cares or wants it in the first place you know?

k really helped me during my stay. she told me that if i eat out i should get a to-go container and separate my food before hand so as i dont over eat and torture myself. or i could place a napkin over my food as soon as im full, covering it so i cant see it and push it away from me. and when i over ate and felt like crap she'd talk to me clamly and say "it will pass. its just for now, its not going to feel like this forever. let it pass and you will feel better."

all in all, im pretty ok =) im bothered but i know what im doing, how i feel, and what i need to take care of. I think im doing well considering, ive been succeeding every time i feel the need to purge, ive been succeeding on our shower project and im being consistent in my exercising except on my trip and when i was sick, AND for the first time in my life, when i was told i havent lost weight, i was happy. i dont know what others call that, but I call it progress! so take that and shove it in your face! XD haha!

VANCOUVER!!!

IM IN VANCOUVER! :D haha im on a trip visiting my cousin, k. its really good! something i needed! im haveing loads of fun! it is mostly a photography trip. k's girlfriend's dad let us borrow 2 of his antique SLR cameras so we've been going crazy with them! also i finally pierced my lip! it looks so cute XD ill put up a pic later. right now i am totally breaking out :P i completely forgot i am allergic to st. ives face wash sooo my skin is baking out bad in an attempt to rid itself of the toxins i gave it XD

we drove to the coast and spent loads of time in antique shops =) on the way back home we stopped in a little town and took pictures of an abandoned church. there was a girl standing at the bus stop and she caught my eye. she was dressed in a black top with a black hoodie, black glasses, a backpack, a multi color vintage skirt, spiderweb fishnets and black platform boots...or were they combat boots...but either way she stood out! the sky was gloomy, the ground was wet, the leaves had dew drops, it was just the perfect shot! i HAD to ask her for a picture; so i did and she knew exactly what i wanted. she knew i didnt want a posed smile looking at the camera. she reminds me of myself. anyway i took her photo and got her email to send them to her. it was invigorating for me, im not one to do things like that because of my social anxieties, but i did it! :D

ive been doing ok with my intake...well...its been COMPLETELY OVER!!! which i am disappointed in but recovery is about learning to let go of control and gain it in other aspects of life. it was easy at first to just eat, but right now ive hit a point where im eating little again to prevent myself from having to go through the stressful process of going to the bathroom, standing there in front the toilet with my hands on my face while trying to tell myself to get out of there before i make a mistake. every time that happens i have to turn my thinking around from one of failure, to one of success. it always says "you've eaten too much, therefore you've failed, get it out and take away that failure." so ive to re-train it to say "you've eaten a healthy amount, walk away from the toilet and succeed with one step closer to recovery." i like that im becoming more comfortable with my cousin that i can now tell her when im upset about it.

being here ive realized many things about myself i have never noticed: 1) i dont like leaving food on my plate, its one of my OCDs, which is a big reason why i over eat and feel sick. so now, when im full, i put napkins over my plate so i cant see it then push it away before i eat too much. either that or i pack it up, or k takes it away or packs it for me. im going to get into the habbit of asking for a to-go container in which i can put whatever i know i wont eat, into it so my portions on my plate arent as big. 2) i click my teeth without even knowing it! k noticed i was doing it alot and after i did it once she asked me what i was thinking and i said "i dunno, why?" and she said "cuz you were clicking your teeth and i just wanted to know." i didnt know what she was talking about, "what? cick my teeth??" haha it was funny! she said "ya, try to keep track of that, what are you thinking when you do it." so every time i did it she asked what im thinking and 90% of the time i dont ven know i do it! O.o i found out i do it when im excited, anxious or worried/stressed.

this is a very good trip for me! i get to explore my artistic side, be with family, learn about myself and find new techniques to help myself :D

75lbs vs. 85lbs vs. 95lbs

DAM! look how thin that girl is! and oh her legs are gorgeous! :D

my dream is still to be 75lbs, 80-85 at most. will it always be there? will it never go away? and why do i want such a weight so badly? in my technical mind i know it is socially/healthily wrong, but i dont care, it doesnt stop me from wishing. i still want it. i have so many questions with no where to place them...why do i enjoy seeing my bones? why do i enjoy hunger? why do i feel that the type of food and amounts a person eats makes them weak or strong? why do i go through phases where i lack control and gain control? why do i go through phases of ana/mia? currently: mia - purging = weight gain/maintain. i want ana - binging = weight loss/bones. i know i cant fulfil my dream so ive been focused on getting as close as i can without starving myself or purging...do you know how fucking hard that is when your body is telling you you have already arrived at your healthy weight?! why did i ever let myself binge at the beginning of recov?! had i not done that id've been able to look at a plan to gain to 95 and maintain.

but beside all that! i getting a med card! yay! i need to have my tummy checked out. and unfortunately it also means im due for a woman/girl doctor visit O.o im not looking forward to it but i want to get on the pill. i dont like condoms very much and i dont like waiting to get more at times we run out. im an everyday, multiple times a day kinda girl XD also my period is very abnormal so we get scares every so often when my period skips a month (like last month...though, cant say i want it because im fond of it, id rather never have it of course. dont we all wish).

im also going to kmart to get more yarn and apply for a job :D boyfriends mom used to work there and said they are always hiring because people never stay. i hope i get it! i need money for Christmas! i have never missed a year of giving gifts to my brother and im not about to start!

booties, yoga, stretches, and failure but who cares?

i feel a little down. i have messed up FIVE days of ABC so far. the initial one was...difficult but not horrible. the more i mess up the more i feel i want to give up because i wasnt supposed to mess up this time! :'( i was supposed to rock it and succeed, but im failing...again...i want to give up, however i am trying to remind myself that it is merely five days out of fifty and that it isnt going to hurt me to proceed with my best. i am tyring to tell myself it will be failing if i give up rather than if i keep going no matter how many screw ups i get...oh, i forgot to mention i am NOT GETTING ANY FRICKING RESULTS! O.O whyyy? (duh! it is in the foods i eat...) i am exercising and ive taken up yoga again.

i must say the yoga and stretches that ive been doing are showing results in the limber area of life. i have minor scoliosis from my father so it helps me ALOT. it is why i started in the first place several years ago. it isnt visible when ive proper posture but if i slouch or sit with my legs straight out, its noticeable -__- and alot of times if i lay on my tummy with my chest propped up by my elbows, i get stuck and in pain like an old lady with a bad back XD

i am constructing for myself, a mood journal. it will be for my feelings toward intake and for the project with my cousin -changing one thing in my daily routine (my OCDs). change something small that makes me a little uncomfortable but not feel out of wack. i dont know if ive mentioned it before but this project is to help us let go of control; for me, helping to distance myself from ana gradually as i see fit. i think that in recovery from an addictive type thing, it needs to be done at a slow gradual pace. otherwise there will just be a constant circle of relapse/recov which is not what i want. i am not ready to eat any higher than 800 right now, i feel sick even eating that much. ive been being horrible with my ABC actually, even on days i fit the limit. alot of times i save up my cals to one big meal (usually unhealthy) which is why i havent any results...therefore i cannot complain...but alot of days ive been feeling the huge need to purge and i noticed that when i feel disgusting about what/how much ive eaten, i tend to scrub alot more and harder in the shower. i suppose i just feel dirty for eating so much and so unhealthily. it is time to change...how many times have you heard that now? XD

oh! on the fun side! i made a set of italian greyhound booties because it is difficult to find ones that fit that have a reasonable price, as their proportions are unique. it turned out very well considering i made the pattern on my own =) im pleased with my work. usually im not for dressing up pets but italian greyhounds shouldnt be in the cold without warmth, they are prone to sickness from cold weather. next ive to make her sweater and my socks. they're fishnet socks and i thought it would be a nice challenge.