busy body

I've been utterly squirmy lately! I've just had an unstoppable urge to keep moving! I know for a fact it stems from guilt. I've been in control of how much I eat for the most part (unless my food pusher of a cousin is present or someone notices how "little" I've eaten). I know that my mind is compensating for the types of food I've been consuming by being obnoxiously and uncontrollably fidgety. I just can't help it! Before I realise it, I'm tapping, moving, swaying, rocking, and other nervous twitchy, squirmy habits.

My mum is having suspicions that I'm purging. I've been excusing myself to the restroom pre, during, and post meal. It's just that I try my utmost to keep myself well hydrated (less chance've water retention) and also I use the restroom to sneak in some: jumping jacks, squats, lunges, tricep dips, counter push-ups after my meals. I feel as if I'm doing something terrible when I exercise... so I've been lying about it. At dinner tonight, I said my tummy was upset (which it did feel like it was, for the moment, before I mentioned it), and excused myself to the restroom mid-dessert. I took the large, handicap stall, did 100 jumping jacks and as many lunges as I could. Then I just jump jump jumpjumpjumped around in the stall until I thought they'd start to miss me... I never cease to amaze myself at my ability to lie, manipulate and connive when it involves my inake. If it were anything else I'd be flushed, my eyes would be shifty and my voice would shake and come out rather choppy.

still on holiday

Oh how I miss my blog!!!!

I've been (and still currently am) on holiday at home. It's had it's pros and it's cons to deal with, but overall I'm enjoying it. I've missed my family's culture, it is a far cry from Ohio. I've missed my family and my baby pup as well. My heart aches for her; a lump forms in my throat and my eyes tear for her at times. She's always been such a loving companion, full of excitement, joy, life and intelligence. Her mind seems distant now, but a shadow of who she used to be. It may sound odd to speak of a pet in such a way; however, pre-move, she had a personality all her own: she lived indoors, she came running when laughter could be heard, she'd whine to play when children were at the park accross the way, she knew over 40 commands (both in voice command and silent handgesture). Now she barely knows her name and doesn't even twitch an ear when I say doggy treat?

She was my Christmas Present of '99. Up until the move in 2010, she was still a rambunchious pup for being 11 in human years. My mum's finances failed and they moved in with my grandparents. They do not allow pets indoors. As a result of ourdoor life, my once happy, bubbly pup is now detatched and merely existing. She shivers and hides from every strange sound, she barks and cries in fear of the dark and the fireworks (Chibi has always had an odd fear of the dark. She would tap the touch lamp with her nose when we were out past dark.) She is no pampered princess, but living outdoors is not for her. Indoors was all she ever knew, and after all my father had put her through when he lived with us, she has a sort of PTSD, though I'm not sure if animals can have that.)

It's been a bit rough being here, food-wise. Here, I've little to no control. There is a time to eat, a way to eat it and though I'm able to choose what I'd like to eat, I've little choice of where of what cuisine (there is a lot've take-out/fast food/restaurant food). There is a certain amount that I am expected to eat when the family is around as well (excluding times when it is just my brother, mum and her husband), and there are extremely unsafe foods I must eat (those I do not even eat in binge). Also, 99% of the time I've no idea or way of figuring the kcals in anything.

At first, it was torture.
I wished I'd never come.
I wanted to disappear.
I longed to be invisible.

But then, a good thing happened: I realised that b'coz I felt so entirely out've my element, embarassed, ashamed and self-conscious; I controlled my intake, as far as how full I became. No more binges! I've been binge-free since I've been here! Not a single food obsesssed thought (binge-wise), not a single sneaked food item, and my tummy has shrunk! My stomach itself that is. I am satisfied and become full quite quickly! I take the healthier choice wherever I can.

I say it now, but really I can only hope: I may be rid of my binge monster!

relieved to've lost my job

I don't have a job anymore. Rob needed to go to hospital and I wanted to be there for him. Regardless of all the difficulties my job presents, I've always put my job before everything, even myself. I wanted to choose to be there for someone for once, rather than choosing my job over them. And so I called my coworker Tonya and asked if she could take my shift. She said she'd check with dragon lady to see if she could without going over-time.

Dragon lady ended up firing me b'coz I told her "I need to call off." She wasn't going to let me and I knew that. She said: Well I'll just take you off the schedule, I'm done. He's a grown man." before she could say anything else I said alright and hung up. Part've me did it b'coz I needed to choose someone I love over my job for once and stop being afraid. The other part've me wanted my job over. No more stress from the people and no more stress from the constant food temptations.

...I'm leaving for home tomorrow... I'm so flipping scared its ridiculous! Anxiety level ten!

abs and butts

I wonder if I could be prescribed phentermine or something for binging. Even though I'm at 18.5 BMI, which is pretty much a lower normal weight. I just know I can't do this on my own. I also don't have a doctor or the money for one or for medication... far away dreams..

~~~

I've been trying my hardest not to count calories but to just pay attention to what I am eating rather than the number I am eating... Gosh it's sooo hard! I always end up regretting it and figuring I may's well toss everything in the trash since I've to dump it anyway.

I don't know...at least I'm trying? (nice excuse) I have no idea which way I'm supposed to go. I eat something without knowing the calories, believing I can handle it or that I am doing what's right. I tell myself it's okay. Afterward I freak out like a cat's post-startled hissing fit, thinking I was stupid to even try and "how can I even think I could handle it, I knew I couldn't I just wanted to be a pig-" sort've thing. I have been teeter-tottering this for months on end.

One month I'm almost ortharexic: mainly fruits and veggies, nothing processed, no salt, no refined carbs/no gluten, no added sugar, no sugar substitutes, no nothing that isn't strictly organic and natural. I'll have so much hope that I'm getting better and putting my food problems behind me.

Next month all that goes out the window. As long as it's low calorie I'll eat it, sugar substitute or not. I'll be complete controlled ana restriction with so much hope for myself: no more than x-calories per day, eat x-amount've times per day at exactly x-amount've hours in between and do x-amount've this type and that type and that type've exercise per day.

Next month I'm binging and can't stop. I start to eat feeling like I can handle it, after I've eaten I feel as if I've fucked myself so why stop there? Justifying it as "Well, it's easier if I eat more anyway." I wind up feeling disgusting, stuck in b/p cycle after b/p cycle, no enthusiasm for any exercise b'coz I'm a disgusting pig and feeling as depressed as ever.

Then the next month it progresses into actually liking and wanting that feeling after a b/p cycle. I end up eating mindlessly with nothing more than a tiny whisper of "remember the calories". I eat for the taste and the after feeling, not so much the binge, just the after feeling of knowing I am completely empty with nothing but bile and I am utterly exhausted and dizzy.

Then the next month I slowly regain myself and take it one step at a time, ending back at month one: orthorexia (or something like it I don't know).

Okay so it might not go by months exactly, but you get the idea.

Anyway, I really want some abs and a lifted, firm butt that doesn't flow loosely and just exist. I WANT ABS! That is the one steady thing... actually, here are all the steady unchanging things I've wanted:

slim feminine abs

a more toned firm butt that can hold it's own

at least a half inch gap between the thick of my thighs

Anyway, ABS!



Nice butts that I want!

And I just stuck this in b'coz I think the vintage mirror is cool ^^

400

On Sunday I worked with Cheri, who is also a doctor. She works full time as a doctor throughout the week and part time at Subway on weekends. My other coworker, Jax, had just gone to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. She was rather distressed about it, not understanding what that meant for her. Cheri, being Jax's aunt, began trying to calm her, explaining that "The chemicals in your brain are not balanced which is why you've been so up and down. It will never be stable unless you work with the medication and the doctor and try your hardest to be conscious of your thought process." she emphasised on never. That upset me and I've been depressed since then. I asked, "So what your essentially saying is: without medicine and/or a therapist, her mind is going to stay the same and she'll keep having anxiety attacks left and right?" She replied yes... Yes.

I have no money for a therapist. I have no money for medication. I tried to get better on my own and it made things worse. I can't do it alone but I don't have the money to get help... I am screwed.

I have been depressed b'coz of that. I feel like, why try? But then I have no idea which hole to put that peg in. Am I saying why try to eat? Or am I saying why try not to eat? I've noticed that my binges begin with my first taste of food for the day, which is followed by my mind's trickery. It asks me why I am trying to restrict calories when I've no need to. It tells me it's okay and that I should try to get better. And so I convince myself it is okay to eat. After I eat my mind tells me I've made a mistake and that I should've known better, I should've known not to let my mind trick me, I shouldn't have let myself believe I could handle it. So am I feeling: Why try to control myself and lose? Or: Why try get to better it's pointless?

The latter I believe b'coz I've'nt been able to consume more than 400 calories a day for the last 4 days. I'm exhausted. Not sure if it's the low intake or the depression. Both most likely.

Today Jax told me that she is feeling so much better now that she's taking the medication. She said her mind isn't so noisy and that she can think clearly. She said she's not worried and debating things that she worries about anymore. I felt guilty for it, but I really didn't want to hear it. I was and am envious. I'm a bit angry. I think frustrated is more the word. I know I shouldn't be b'coz she is better and that is a good thing... But I am so tired of this, I want to be better too...

I'm so tired of fighting, but I have to keep fighting b'coz I don't know what else to do.

I want to eat more than 400 calories. I know I should. But I can't. I just can't. I'm back to literally not being able to eat very much.

The last 4 days-

Breakfast- coffee or tea

Lunch: water, iceberg lettuce and olives

Dinner: cranberry juice, a sweet potato, green beans and corn.

Dessert: water, apple

twelve days till Christmas

Today is the first of December.

Twelve more days before I leave on holiday for home.

Nervous, excited, worried, anxious, afraid, happy, sad, terrified.

My mind tells me they will be angry with me. It says they are mad that I haven't called in so long or even written a letter. Hurt and upset that I haven't even wished a happy birthday or Thanksgiving to anyone. I was stuck in my mind. Afraid to call. Afraid to write. Afraid of being judged and ridiculed. And I don't know why. Why would they do that? What am I afraid of? Why am I so afraid to see them? I am excited to see my puppy, extremely so! But... Not for any other reason... Why? Perhaps b'coz she will not judge me. But when I stop to reason, why would my family judge me? I have been through so much and I came out on top, I fought my way through hardship, I left the bad and worked for the good, I have grown up since they've seen me last... And yet I feel so strongly that I have failed. Like none of that matters b'coz I have failed. I am a failure and I don't know why.

For some reason I feel like I am supposed to be thinner than I am. Or at least a lot more toned. As if it was mandatory that I be at least 42.6kg before my trip home. I am 44.9 currently and it is driving me batty to realise that I have twelve days to fix this as best I can... Which probably won't be very much. What I don't understand is why would I feel the need to be thinner before I get home? That would set off the radar immediately and I'd be put under microscope the whole trip! But the mind is never rational is it? Especially not our OCD/ED/perfectionist minds.

I absolutely cannot wait to see my puppy girl!!!
Goodness I am so nervous and on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about what might happen at home.

Like an idiot I spilt my binge troubles to my mum. I had told her I was completely over it all several months ago, yet in a phone conversation I spilt it like an idiot. Though I didn't tell her the other part about trying to get down to 43kg. She'd flip out and so would anyone I told that to. Nobody understands that I am comfortable there.

Who knows, maybe it is good she knows. She can help me stop being a disgusting idiot haha! Though I'm glad I haven't binged but one time in a while!