saddening feelings of a far away girl

i have not been well....or...well technically i have...but...you know, i cannot say. i dont even know if i am or am not. i cannot feel...or i can feel but, just not the way...just not the right...fuck it, i dont know! is that good or is that bad, not to feel? i mean i DO feel feelings but its not...ug i cant even speak anymore! fuck sake i dont know what i feel.

...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?

oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.





EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!