i apologize for the neglect

ive been away for so long and i do apologize girls. i feel so bad that i have neglected you all, i miss you all so much! i miss reading about your day and giving you comments of encouragement...but alas...i have no drive anymore. i feel as if ive nothing to say; i am so sorry. this place has just become so sad for me. when i open this tab and begin to type, all i want to do is yammer and whine about how its not fair and because i want to do that i end up reminiscing about the past and then i get sad and miss it and that puts my thinking in a bad spot; shifts my mind into relapse mode which is hell to switch off let me tell you!

some days i feel alright and can accept my body for what it is, some days i cant stand this "thing" im in, this sack of fleshy jello i call my body, and there are others still where i am in between, neither accepting nor bashing it.

i happened to have a chance for a weigh-in --or rather a forced weigh-in-- while checking on a house to be sure all was well while the owner has been away. despite sort of being forced and despite having my weight so clearly and embarrassingly seen, i cant say it was too horrible because i really did want to know. i debated sneaking to check while i couldnt be seen, but the scale was noticed whether i wanted it to be or not. and of course, everyone is so eager to unneededly know what i weigh and ask how well i eat rather than take notice by them self that i look healthy and that i eat 5-6x a day (almost all the time). i just dont understand what the numbers matter if i look healthy; numbers are just numbers as skin colour is just skin colour. im glad i stood up for myself after being told my weight was bad, even though it was a very meek way to do so. i replied "oh really?...i was 95 when i got here..." implying that no one had a problem with my weight appearance then, which is true. let alone the fact that we had a scale at home and i was on that confounded contraption everyday, weighing-in an obscene amount of times daily so i know for certain i was 95 upon arrival and that i was what they call healthy; my doctor had required me to lose to 95 when i was overweight. anyhow, i am currently 95.8lbs (43.5kg ; trying to get used to metric for japanese). i wasnt bothered by it at the time because i was too busy being embarrassed that it was point 8 and being embarrassed that i was being told that my weight is bad. but digging below the embarrassment, i was actually very pleased at the time and super relieved that it wasnt up into the hundreds like i had envisioned! --if there was someone who would be wishing for my relapse, that wouldve been the way to do it!-- but after a while of letting 95.8 sink in, i felt so sarcastic: " sooo im 95.8 woopiedooo...oooh my goshhh the worlds gonna end im sooo thin." i mean c'mon, its 95.8. its just 95.8 -__- the question should be "why isnt it 95? whats wrong with me? why is there a point 8? i was 95 before all of this idocy for goodness sake! where have i gone wrong?" ...but i know why it is point 8. its point 8 because all that eating ive been doing is 50% sweets; not exactly the kind of food im supposed to be eating more of. my goodness! what am i trying to have diabetes?

"They all think I have changed---but it is my scar that has prejudiced their minds and allowed their fears to infect their imagination...they see what they want to see" or rather what their imagination has led them to envision. --from a book i read i cannot remember the title, but it wasnt an eating disorder book i know that. just a little quip i thought fit the topic of todays post.

well, ive been doing okay eating wise...beside all those horrid junks that this country indulges on with little thought to health. but when i notice that my eating is becoming impulsive again, i just remind myself of what i had learnt on my trip last year:
1) stop immediately when i feel sensations of being full
2) ignore what is left on my plate, it will not be the last time i taste it. if it must be thrown away, it must. if not, i could always save it for later
3) if it is too tempting to clean my plate, push it away

and some very good ones ive added of my own:
4) eat as soon as possible after waking in the morning
5) do not eat unless i feel hungry/do not eat out of boredom/do not eat unnessesarily
6) drink tea or water whenever possible rather than other drinks. tea and water is very good to flush the body and keep the body hydrated
7) if i want soda, try to make it diet 0cal sodas. it is much healthier for the body

ive been eating alot of oatmeal, and alot of chazuke. ochazuke is a very healthy meal (if made correctly). it consists of tea, rice and toppings/seasonings:
a) a small bowl of calrose rice submerged in:
b)tea:
hot matcha aka-green tea
genmaicha aka-brown tea
or just hot water sprinkled with your choice of:
c)toppings or seasonings:
furikake (litto rice seasonings)
nametake (slimy mushrooms)
salmon or other fish flakes
ajitsuke nori (flavored seaweed strips)
ume (pickled plums)
chirimenjako (dried anchovies)
tobiko (flyfish eggs or flying fish roe)
ikura (salmon eggs or salmon roe)
a packet of ready-made ochazuke seasonings
etc...there is a large array of choices probably even i dont know. but this is a filling and healthy dish option for any meal! =) personally i could eat it every single day for every single meal! ^__^