まけました

Dear God, Dear someone, Dear anyone,

I do not know how to do this. I want peace. I want to be numb again. Give me back my indifference. I am feeling too much too fast. I never learned how to feel. I only found feeling when I turned 20. I am only 22. That is not enough time to learn feelings. Now that I can feel, I don't want to feel. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again...Please. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again.

I want to sleep forever. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. Let me sleep forever. I want to do it myself, but I haven't the guts to do it. I feel too much. Please make me numb again. If I was numb again I could do it myself, but I feel too much. I feel fear when I think of doing it myself; fear and guilt. Please let me sleep forever. Do it for me. I cannot do it myself. Make me slip on a step. Make me trip on the sidewalk as a car drives by. Make my heart stop. Make me lose my footing in the shower. Make me fall while holding a knife. I cannot do it myself. Please do it for me.

What did I do?!!! Why is all this feeling rushing into me now?! What did I do?! Did I forget to step out of a doorway with my left foot? Did I enter with my right and not fix it to my left? Did I forget to straighten my water bottle? Is it b'coz I've stopped avoiding separations in the concrete? Did I miss an even number I should have changed to an odd? Is it b'coz I haven't been counting my actions in odds? Did I forget to shake the water off my hands 7 times? Is it b'coz I've been eating fast-food? Is it b'coz I had a Dr. Pepper and a Coke? Is it b'coz I haven't been fixing my yoghurt to order? Is it b'coz I haven't been keeping my routine? Is it b'coz I have stopped counting my fingers in consecutive fives? What did I do?!

Please make it all stop. Freeze everything. Freeze it all. I lack the dirve for life. I've kept people away b'coz I know they only cause heartache. I let my guard down and thought maybe, maybe some people are okay to open up to. It always hurts in the end. I do not want to open up to people anymore. I have lost all want to be among people. I used to want friends. I used to hope that someone out there will like me enough to be my friend but now I don't care. Now I want no-one. I only want someone who loves me. Just that person. Just let me be alone...but please, I don't want to be alone! Being alone makes me so scared...but let me be alone...but I am so afraid of being alone...I feel like a scared litto girl-child confused in the dark. I lack the drive to do anything but sit in the closet, lay in bed and sleep or watch television on the couch. I am a big empty pit of nothing but a deep longing for love and numbness. Please make me numb.

I want everything. I don't want anything. I want to stop feeling anything. I want to be the me I was as a girl. The me who was indifferent to any tragedy and couldn't stand when her mother cried b'coz she couldn't understand how people could be so weak. The me who was strong and never cried for anything. The me who was the strength for my family. The me who kept my family running, who kept us going, who kept us together b'coz no one else was capable. Let me be that girl again. Let me be the girl who was cold to life. The girl who only smiled b'coz it was what she had to do. The girl who smiled b'coz she knew it hid what she wasn't feeling.

Give me reason and drive to live...
or let me sleep in calm peace.

I am feeling dark now, but I will come back. I always do...forgive me for being so grey, but let me express the grey rain-clouds for a post to make room for the blue skies...