aimless thoughts of tea

I've been increasingly fixated on tea and tisane! It begun as a child. Being Japanese my grandmum prepared genmaicha/brown rice tea with every dinner, to cleanse and flush the body of the day's intake: whatever oils, grease and fats that one puts into their body. Particularly for dinner though really. I don't know of anyone else, but growing up it was always dinner that tended to be the more heavy, substantial meal of the day for us. For the more heavy meals {ie.- fried shoyu chicken, fried nasu/eggplant, pizza, or any other rarity of fast food dinners}, she would serve the children a citrus fruit for dessert to help break down the toxins so our bodies could properly prepare for the new day during sleep. Now, I don't know how much've it is true or if it was simply a tradition, but till this day I follow it. I don't really care to know if it hods any truth to it b'coz it makes my mental and physical feel better. It does something positive for me which is splendid. ^__^

I've managed to branch out slowly over the years, moving from genmaicha to maccha/green tea b/coz of it's metabolism benefits, then to black teas and oolong teas. I've recently, in the past several months, been building up a flavourful collection of both true teas, tisane and also tea-tisane blends and fusions. I've actually planned to purchase a gift set of holiday teas later tonight! I'm brimming over it like the cheeseball I am! ^///^ It has 9 types of very Wintery, Christmasy blends. I cannot wait till it gets here!

Right now I've got:
Genmaicha
Maccha {or matcha as it is wrongly spelt in romaji}
Black
White
Fusion green and white
Chamomile
Chai White
Lemon ginger
lemongrass spearmint
Mango passionfruit
Passionfruit and papaya
Acai
Blueberry

And for those dessert craving days, just add some Truvia 0 calorie natural sweetener and you've got your dessert craving fix!
Peppermint
Chocolate hazelnut
Nutcracker
Licorice spice
Vanilla caramel truffle
Vanilla chai

inspiration

getting the swing of things again

Today went well, even though I was sick and had to go to work. Ended up I skipped lunch. I just didn't feel like lunch I s'pose, I don't know really. I had a few baby carrots, some strawberries and I think that was good enough for me. I always bring a fruit and veggie snack along with a lunch to work. Subway really isn't all that healthy at all, it's just a hoax for money. A lot've people, those who swear by it being the reason they are at a healthy weight, just don't see that it is b'coz they actually exercised. All that bread and cheese and mayonnaise cannot, and I mean cannot, be good for anyone on a daily basis. I know. I had gained 15lbs in a few weeks doing this at one point! O.o This was last August when I thought it was okay to eat it b'coz of Subway's popular health mask. Not true one bit.



I've been working on toning and am glad to say it is showing some progress! I have some abs noticeable now, and my upper arms don't jiggle quite as much as they once did! I hate that wave jiggle. It is disgusting. Though I've to say the most revolting thing about my body that absolutely kills is that I can feel my thighs touch again! Oh how that disturbs me! I cannot wait to make that disappear!



Elegance.
Thin.
Frailty.

It has been such a long while

My gracious has it been so long! I'd been having some trouble fighting the different sides for so long. Ever since that day I was forced to eat, everything changed. Ana still screamed in my head, but it was mia who took the helm. I just couldn't stop eating: I'd eat when I was full; I'd eat even while my insides burned b'coz I had no room left; I'd sneak to the kitchen and find anything I could and hide while I ate it; I'd bring food with me to the bathroom to eat in secret; I'd go to the grocery store to buy muffins or doughnuts, eat them in the bathroom and all the while I'd worry if my stomach would burst inside me, leaking it's greasy, oily, fatty contents over my organs. I'd eat and cry b'coz I was a failure and an absolutely disgusting pig. I didn't understand how I'd gone from under 200kcal per day to the pitiful pathetic state I was in. I'd panic after every binge and have to purge then drink water and purge at least once more to get out all I possibly could...and then I'd exercise exercise exercise. I was no longer me. I was in a downward spiral and I could not stop.

I've had a second boyfriend while I've been away. He was a gentleman and rather sweet and kind but very immature and fatherly. He scolded me after finding out I cut myself. I knew it couldn't work the day I had gone to a "female" doctor. I'd asked him to accompany me b'coz I was absolutely petrified! I had an episode while in there to which his response was cold: "Let it all out while I'm here b'coz I don't want to see a mark on you when I see you after work." Seeing as he responded in such a manner, I could never have told him about my struggles with food. And so I had to leave before he found out. We were pulling apart as it was, the fathering was not something I could handle emotionally. I am a person who feels wrong easily, like I've always done something bad or evil, scolding made me feel wrong quite often. I could not take the emotional toll of that plus hiding my eating troubles. I needed either support and understanding, or the relief and security of having no one to hide from. Unfortunately it was the latter.

I was, at the time, trying to get better. Fighting between binging/purging, ana and getting better was the most dark, stressful time of my life. I was being pulled in three directions and I did not know or understand which was right "for me". {I emphasize on -for me- b'coz I didn't want to decide on any direction for anyone else but myself}. Now, I do not know which direction I have chosen, but I know that some of the dark stresses I had then have vanquished. I am happy to say I've'nt binged or purged in a comforting amount of time! I am re-learning to have pride in myself, to keep the words: elegance, dignity and fragility in mind whilst eating; to remind me not to go back to the pathetic uncontrollable girl I was.

Elegance, dignity, fragility, class, poise.
My favourite words.