It has been such a long while

My gracious has it been so long! I'd been having some trouble fighting the different sides for so long. Ever since that day I was forced to eat, everything changed. Ana still screamed in my head, but it was mia who took the helm. I just couldn't stop eating: I'd eat when I was full; I'd eat even while my insides burned b'coz I had no room left; I'd sneak to the kitchen and find anything I could and hide while I ate it; I'd bring food with me to the bathroom to eat in secret; I'd go to the grocery store to buy muffins or doughnuts, eat them in the bathroom and all the while I'd worry if my stomach would burst inside me, leaking it's greasy, oily, fatty contents over my organs. I'd eat and cry b'coz I was a failure and an absolutely disgusting pig. I didn't understand how I'd gone from under 200kcal per day to the pitiful pathetic state I was in. I'd panic after every binge and have to purge then drink water and purge at least once more to get out all I possibly could...and then I'd exercise exercise exercise. I was no longer me. I was in a downward spiral and I could not stop.

I've had a second boyfriend while I've been away. He was a gentleman and rather sweet and kind but very immature and fatherly. He scolded me after finding out I cut myself. I knew it couldn't work the day I had gone to a "female" doctor. I'd asked him to accompany me b'coz I was absolutely petrified! I had an episode while in there to which his response was cold: "Let it all out while I'm here b'coz I don't want to see a mark on you when I see you after work." Seeing as he responded in such a manner, I could never have told him about my struggles with food. And so I had to leave before he found out. We were pulling apart as it was, the fathering was not something I could handle emotionally. I am a person who feels wrong easily, like I've always done something bad or evil, scolding made me feel wrong quite often. I could not take the emotional toll of that plus hiding my eating troubles. I needed either support and understanding, or the relief and security of having no one to hide from. Unfortunately it was the latter.

I was, at the time, trying to get better. Fighting between binging/purging, ana and getting better was the most dark, stressful time of my life. I was being pulled in three directions and I did not know or understand which was right "for me". {I emphasize on -for me- b'coz I didn't want to decide on any direction for anyone else but myself}. Now, I do not know which direction I have chosen, but I know that some of the dark stresses I had then have vanquished. I am happy to say I've'nt binged or purged in a comforting amount of time! I am re-learning to have pride in myself, to keep the words: elegance, dignity and fragility in mind whilst eating; to remind me not to go back to the pathetic uncontrollable girl I was.

Elegance, dignity, fragility, class, poise.
My favourite words.