It has been such a long while

My gracious has it been so long! I'd been having some trouble fighting the different sides for so long. Ever since that day I was forced to eat, everything changed. Ana still screamed in my head, but it was mia who took the helm. I just couldn't stop eating: I'd eat when I was full; I'd eat even while my insides burned b'coz I had no room left; I'd sneak to the kitchen and find anything I could and hide while I ate it; I'd bring food with me to the bathroom to eat in secret; I'd go to the grocery store to buy muffins or doughnuts, eat them in the bathroom and all the while I'd worry if my stomach would burst inside me, leaking it's greasy, oily, fatty contents over my organs. I'd eat and cry b'coz I was a failure and an absolutely disgusting pig. I didn't understand how I'd gone from under 200kcal per day to the pitiful pathetic state I was in. I'd panic after every binge and have to purge then drink water and purge at least once more to get out all I possibly could...and then I'd exercise exercise exercise. I was no longer me. I was in a downward spiral and I could not stop.

I've had a second boyfriend while I've been away. He was a gentleman and rather sweet and kind but very immature and fatherly. He scolded me after finding out I cut myself. I knew it couldn't work the day I had gone to a "female" doctor. I'd asked him to accompany me b'coz I was absolutely petrified! I had an episode while in there to which his response was cold: "Let it all out while I'm here b'coz I don't want to see a mark on you when I see you after work." Seeing as he responded in such a manner, I could never have told him about my struggles with food. And so I had to leave before he found out. We were pulling apart as it was, the fathering was not something I could handle emotionally. I am a person who feels wrong easily, like I've always done something bad or evil, scolding made me feel wrong quite often. I could not take the emotional toll of that plus hiding my eating troubles. I needed either support and understanding, or the relief and security of having no one to hide from. Unfortunately it was the latter.

I was, at the time, trying to get better. Fighting between binging/purging, ana and getting better was the most dark, stressful time of my life. I was being pulled in three directions and I did not know or understand which was right "for me". {I emphasize on -for me- b'coz I didn't want to decide on any direction for anyone else but myself}. Now, I do not know which direction I have chosen, but I know that some of the dark stresses I had then have vanquished. I am happy to say I've'nt binged or purged in a comforting amount of time! I am re-learning to have pride in myself, to keep the words: elegance, dignity and fragility in mind whilst eating; to remind me not to go back to the pathetic uncontrollable girl I was.

Elegance, dignity, fragility, class, poise.
My favourite words.

Missing this place

Oh how very long it has been! Dears, whoever of you ate still there, how I've missed you all terribly! So very much has happened in my time away. I, frustratingly, have had but only rare access to the net since my last entry. I know not how often I will be here anymore. I am still struggling with Ana and having good days and bad. Do not take it from me, for I'd hate to crush any dreams of being better; but for me, there is no such thing as recov my darlings. This will be a part've me for the remainder've my life. As for now, I am not doing too badly. I've acquired a darling pet rat who is amazingly smarter than I had ever imagined! She is my sanity, as odd as that may read. Without a pet to care for and need me, I found I feel rather lonesome in life. I am still working at Subway haha! Though I've to say I'm quite excited to begin my search for a job as a dental assistant in the near future. My savings for a much needed vehicle is coming along swimmingly as well! With much regret, I've to go now. I hope to be back very soon!

I fear I am who I fought not to be

Two.
Mother and father.
Pulling at me from both sides,
Tearing me in half.
Fighting myself to be good;
Not to be one,
Not to be the other.
Have tried so hard, to find,
I am both.
I am lost.
I am confused.
Fighting to see what needs to be.
I want to stay in the darkness.
It is horrible,
But it is what I know,
It is safe.
Put me out of my misery.