she never sleeps

she watches me
everydayeveryminuteeverysecond
carefully observing, quietlyloudly despising my attempts
she knows part of me wants to be free
she hates me for it and reminds me how weak i am being i am out of control and good for nothing
weaklowstupiddisgustingidiot
there are days when she lets me go
only a whisper blowing through my mind
she is almost invisible
but
she knows i will come back
see the damage i've done and come back crying
on my knees beggingsubmittingneeding
pleading for her to fix what i have ruined
i depend on her to keep me strong
keep me on my way
happinesspurityperfectionbeautythinness
she is my better half
she is my evil half
she loves me
she hates me
she is the girl in the mirror
the girl that glares back at the fat covering her happiness
she scowls at me for shoving food in my mouth
for making her look so hideous
she demands to be cleanpurethin
they see me
they think im disgusting
appalled at how it is possible to be fat
they think "oh how dreadfulghastlygrim!"
i grin when im hungry
it feels so goodgrowlhappythinnerbythesecond i smile when bones are visiblejoystarvebeautypurity
i suffer when i eat
cryhatedespisewishfeel
i hide from the mirror
avoid any glance of the bulging bodice i have created
i stray from unfamiliar touch
to feel flesh against my flesh makes me cringe
it is not me
it is not who i want to be
i cannot be seen under this fat that forms itself out of food
clingingchokingsuffocating my beautiful bones
i miss that girli long for her, to see her againbut i cannot have her...
not anymore...i am sorry, so sorry
you must stay in the mirror
to forever hate this reflection that is now me

nothing much today. just that poem and the fact that im feeling quite disgusted with myself. i hate sitting and being able to feel my tummy fold into itself...ug! its one of the worst feelings there possibly is in this world besides heartach!...i feel fat and extremely full no matter what the fuck i eat, but i eat, because i have to. hopefully this gets better. i keep telling myself it will and ignoring the negative thoughts i have (except when i let them out in my blogs) in hopes that it is a phase and i will, someday, be ok. i wish the world understood the happiness in starvation, thinness, eating healthy and the joy purity of self and yet, at the same time could understand the suffering it brings...

and my goodness how bad can my weight be?! (in the sense that im too thin) one of my favorite japanese model, Yu Hasabe is my height and is only 88lbs!! grrr...

meal- 1 blueberry waffle: 90cal 3:15p
6 mini sushi pieces: 258.5cal 5:30p
1/4c hamburger helper: 100cal 7:55p
1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o pudding: 120cal 11:55p
1¼c Kix cereal: 110cal 2:25a

678.5cal total

dates and movies to entertain

we have a date planned, though im not sure when it will carry out now that he works. im going to pack mini sandwiches that i will make, tea, crisps, and a blanket and take it to the park for a picnic under a nice shady tree =) hopefully we can find a spot by a litto pond, that would be lovely!

boyfriends birthday is in a month and ive got plans. im kinda excited, i hope it works, i hope he likes it! i have to perfect it a bit so i wont tell you yet what it is just yet heeheee you can gess that im going to be cheesey about it ^//^

our computer is quite sluggish so we are going to take it back to best buy, yet again *sigh* so i dont know just how long it will be kept or if we are going to get a whole new computer so i may not be posting or commenting for a bit. and since boyfriend got a new job and will be working, ive gotten busy gathering movies to keep me busy. ive got a couple in there that some of you girls have talked about:
Amélie
Coco Avant Chanel
Manon des Sources
The Umbrellas of Cherbourg
Mitt liv som hund
Ett hål i mitt hjärta
Luftslottet som sprängdes
Fyra nyanser av brunt
Trolösa
Finding Neverland
Thumbellina
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Finding Neverland
Flags of Our Fathers
Les Choristes
L'homme du train
The Ghost Writer
Project Catwalk
Project Runnway
Teeth (ya, when im home alone and bored i tend to gravitate to cheesey sfi-fi)

ive got another blog recommendation! x-Feathertoes-x! i have been emailing her since i started this blog and she has been so wonderful to me! she just made a blog a little while ago and she is quite a dear! please follow her! =)

EDIT:
i cut the tip of my pinky while shaving "down there" today XD its not like you can really see what your doing. O.o thats it! im switching to mini razors! .......ok, i dont think you all really wanted to hear about that XD but dam it hurt! i sliced off the tip of my pinky along with a chunk of my nail!

meal- 1 slice toast, 1tsp jelly: 77cal 2:55p
snack- 1 yokan, 1 ice cream sandwich: 330cal 5:30p
meal- 1/4c corn, 3 gyoza, 1/4c rice: 280cal 11:30p
snack- blueberry muffin flavor Jell-o brand pudding: 110cal 3:30a

797cal total

is she ana? i will never know...

we went to the store tonight to get dinner, we didnt have anything that either of us really wanted to eat. there was a girl in the snack isle who was incredibly thin! (probably as thin, or thinner, than the model in the picture) i must say, all i wanted to do was stare at her, she was so beautiful! ah, i am jealous to say the least! i totally and completely envy her tiny frame, delicate body, collar bones and hips. i know im supposed to be in "recovery" (i hate that word!), but oh what a beauty! she surpasses all of the 7 skinny girls i have counted since i moved here. she is in a category all her own because she is not skinny, she is thin! she is fucking thin! she is only the 2nd thin girl i have personally seen in my life. one girl i saw outside of A&W at home in mililani, and her. ah! im in "recovery" but my desires are still the same, i want to switch bodies with her! i stared at her as much as i could (without being creepy or obvious) until we had to leave the isle; i wanted to remember her forever. if we were both alone in that isle i would have talked to her and timidly, nervously, quietly asked her if she was like us. i was 99% positive she has to be! i heard her having a conversation about cookies with the girl she was with, who was quite chubby especially next to that thin beauty! i only caught part of the convo though: "cookies?...ahhh, i dont really care for oreos though..." i was hoping to stand around to hear more :P im such a nosey person! XD i wanted to analyze if she was avoiding or if it was just a regular convo and she really didnt care for oreos. i caught that boyfriend stared at her as well. he actually stopped right behind her and stared. at first i thought it was because he was thinking the same as me, but come to find out he knows her! as we walked to the u-scan he said
"i know her, i was wondering if i should say hi."
"why dont you?!" haha i was truly hopeful for that! ^__^
"ahh, i dunno."
"why not?? you should!"
"ahhh."
"why not? go say hi!"
"cuz, she's supposed to be dead!" not yelling, just emphasis.
"dead??" wondering, cuz it sounds quite curious.
"ya, she had a bunch a problems." he said something about a diabetic stomach pump or some sort of thing along those lines i didnt quite catch it. so im not sure if she was an ana girl or it was a medical symptom/side-effect of some disease/sickness other than ana. but the way she looked at food, the way she eyed it, as if carefully scrutinizing each object on the shelf, dissecting it into fat, grease, oil, calorie, salt, sugar, carbohydrates, protein and fiber. i dunno, it could be my hopeful observation to find someone near me to connect with that tainted my view of her...