she never sleeps

she watches me
everydayeveryminuteeverysecond
carefully observing, quietlyloudly despising my attempts
she knows part of me wants to be free
she hates me for it and reminds me how weak i am being i am out of control and good for nothing
weaklowstupiddisgustingidiot
there are days when she lets me go
only a whisper blowing through my mind
she is almost invisible
but
she knows i will come back
see the damage i've done and come back crying
on my knees beggingsubmittingneeding
pleading for her to fix what i have ruined
i depend on her to keep me strong
keep me on my way
happinesspurityperfectionbeautythinness
she is my better half
she is my evil half
she loves me
she hates me
she is the girl in the mirror
the girl that glares back at the fat covering her happiness
she scowls at me for shoving food in my mouth
for making her look so hideous
she demands to be cleanpurethin
they see me
they think im disgusting
appalled at how it is possible to be fat
they think "oh how dreadfulghastlygrim!"
i grin when im hungry
it feels so goodgrowlhappythinnerbythesecond i smile when bones are visiblejoystarvebeautypurity
i suffer when i eat
cryhatedespisewishfeel
i hide from the mirror
avoid any glance of the bulging bodice i have created
i stray from unfamiliar touch
to feel flesh against my flesh makes me cringe
it is not me
it is not who i want to be
i cannot be seen under this fat that forms itself out of food
clingingchokingsuffocating my beautiful bones
i miss that girli long for her, to see her againbut i cannot have her...
not anymore...i am sorry, so sorry
you must stay in the mirror
to forever hate this reflection that is now me

nothing much today. just that poem and the fact that im feeling quite disgusted with myself. i hate sitting and being able to feel my tummy fold into itself...ug! its one of the worst feelings there possibly is in this world besides heartach!...i feel fat and extremely full no matter what the fuck i eat, but i eat, because i have to. hopefully this gets better. i keep telling myself it will and ignoring the negative thoughts i have (except when i let them out in my blogs) in hopes that it is a phase and i will, someday, be ok. i wish the world understood the happiness in starvation, thinness, eating healthy and the joy purity of self and yet, at the same time could understand the suffering it brings...

and my goodness how bad can my weight be?! (in the sense that im too thin) one of my favorite japanese model, Yu Hasabe is my height and is only 88lbs!! grrr...

meal- 1 blueberry waffle: 90cal 3:15p
6 mini sushi pieces: 258.5cal 5:30p
1/4c hamburger helper: 100cal 7:55p
1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o pudding: 120cal 11:55p
1¼c Kix cereal: 110cal 2:25a

678.5cal total