"everythings...so...fragile." - emily fitch

Hopingformore said something, regarding recovery, on my last blog that didnt think of: "It is your happiness and health that is at stake. Try to for your self, but if you can't then think of your boyfriend and do it for him."

.....for yourself, but if you cant, think of boyfriend and do it for him.....

when i read that i had a bit of thinking to do. it made me realize that they say the key to recovery is doing it for yourself, i lack that. i cant do this for myself because quite frankly, i really dont want it. so i am doing it for him, because i dont want to know life without him and if i continue to listen to ana, it will end in me being alone and unhappy, heartbroken. whether i am thin or not i wont be happy if i dont have him. i know it sounds very dramatic of me but life without him just wouldnt exist for me.

dont worry, im not going to do anything, but have you ever thought seriously about ending your life? i thought of pills as a final get back to my drug addict father; what better way to get back at him than to overdose his favorite child on one of the many things he gets high off of?

before i moved here i had also thought of drowning myself in the ocean; going to one of the many sea cliffs we have at home and jumping off into the water. its so rough out there and there isnt much time before the undertow would pull you in or the waves would smash you into the rocks, in which case you cant really say you drowned yourself hehe. i think if they wanted to save me they would have a maximum of 5min to do so, but id go to a deserted beach. we have many.

and lastly i have thought many many many times about just not eating. never eating until i disappear and turn into nothing. especially when my mom and dad used to fight. i have thought about cutting my writs open but that would give me an emo label. i wouldnt care except that im not emo, just an unhappy anorexic.

i LOVE emily!! (from a tv series called skins, i cant wait for the movie in 2011!!!) i think emily and cassie are tied!
in the second episode of season 4 emily says, "i could be dead in a second. Everythings...so...fragile. Didnt you realize that?" and thats true, everything is fragile, life is fragile. sometimes i wonder if my parents understood that fact when they had me. i mean, they didnt have much, my dad was never around, my mom always crying and waiting for him to come home, they always fought and screamed, yelled and threw things at each other. and he was always hitting her and blaming her and his father for why he drinks and does drugs, and thats all even before i was born. im not blaming them wholly for why i am the way i am, but im sure somewhere in my mind all that had to have caused some re-wiring to happen in there. woops, i did forget, i was an accident after all XD i was debated over to be murdered or not O.o

once again i am facing having to leave boyfriend but i think it will probably blow over. i went downstairs to do something with the dogs i dont remember now, it was such chaos! his mom was coming out of the bathroom from having fed her and boyfriends brothers puppy .midget eats in the bathroom otherwise she gets into the big dogs food and eats until her litto tummy balloons so big your afraid to pick her up for she might burst!
"did you feed her?"
"huh? oh ya! i fed both of them." i smile, unaware im about to get blasted.
"ooh fuck!" she goes back in and grabs the bowl and goes back to rhe kitchen.
as she walks she says "i have to talk to you."
"oh, ok."
then she talks quite loud "ive had it with your boyfriend!"
i just stand there with wide eyes and well im sure i had a shocked look. i was completely in need of info.
she yells now "i will not put up with anyone abusing my dog!"
i am utterly at a loss for words and just stand there.
"who did it?!"
".......huh...umm...did. what?"
"dont you pretend...who put my dog down in the basement?!"
i had forgotten boyfriend put the puppy in there. but she wasnt down in the basement, just by the door in her litto kennel. she was barking and crying so much because no one was down there and she doesnt like being in her kennel while boyfriends mom is at work. we needed to sleep so he moved the kennel from in front of the basement door, to behind it. i had forgotten.
"oh that-" she cuts me off.
"ya! that! uhh huh! who did it?!" she's all in my face and yelling and im standing there just...not having words.
then i hear boyfriend at the top of the steps, "i did it!"
she walks over to him and i kinda run away into the dining room to try not to hear because that sort of arguing just gives flashbacks of when i was younger. it terrifies me, i admit i almost cried when she yelled at me. they continue to argue and yell and bring other things into as in most arguments people have. then i hear "kiki...is gone!" that perks my ears to pay attention because thats me! she calls me kiki cuz she couldnt remember kiyomi and kii was too short i gess i dunno. i think "what?! gone??! gone where?!" so i walk back to the kitchen thinking maybe she wanted me to stay there and she was upset that i left.
"i warned you [xxx]!! kiki is gone!! back to hawaii!!"
i stand there listen because i am completely confused at how the topic has switched to me having to go back home! they argue more and then boyfriend goes back upstairs. i couldnt follow because she was between me and him.
she turns around "kiki...im sorry! i told him! i told him 3 weeks ago! if this shit didnt stop, your gone! i told him and he didnt fix it so your going home! im sorry...for you, im sorry! but you have to go!!"
i dont know what it is boyfriend was supposed to "fix" or what "shit" she was referring to that needed to stop, but i think in a week or so it will be ok.

i apologize for yet another depressing read my bleuets. its been a litto difficult up there in my mind. i will give you better material tomorrow...hopefully XD

meal- 1 slice toast, ½ banana: 112.5cal 3:45p
meal- ramen, 1 nikuman: 500cal 11:45p
snack-1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 2:30a

702.5cal total yay! better than my new norm! but thats thanks the awkward feeling of going downstairs where she is...

mirrors are alive and someone is stealing my thoughts

ive seen a bit of change in me, a positive change i think, not very big but a change nonetheless. i feel a tad more ok with myself; a little more at ease. although i still hide from mirrors and close my eyes at any glimpse of myself when i look down to scrub my tummy in the shower or when im undressing/changing because i know she will take over and i cant bare to see myself anymore, it just makes me unhappy and sad. i dont even really like to see myself when i do have clothes on just going to put up my hair or brush my teeth. i dont like seeing how my face has filled in...but i do feel a change in me that seems to be good. i am not sure yet if it is because i am sticking to the 800cal limit i have set for myself, which makes me feel i am still in control despite "recovery" (with the unfortunate exception of today. i ate out of stupidity, sadness and trying to be normal), or because i am exercising alot more than before, or because i am slowly making progress in "getting better"...or because of something else i am unaware of.

i use quotations because i cannot help but feel i do not deserve or need words like: recovery, getting better. i feel like i wasnt sick or bad in the first place. i didnt think i was too thin or appeared malnourished. perhaps it is because i just cant see it; my eyes are, after all, broken. i feel like i was just doing what was best for me. what i needed to be happy and at peace with myself, but i know to the rest of the people in the world who are alarmed by us, i am sick and in need of words like "recovery" :P

contradictingly, there is also a part of me who does feel i am sick and need professional help; like i am too weak to do this; like i am a joke, kidding myself thinking i can do this alone...i am honestly lost in all this...i am not sure of my intentions with any of it...i set my cal limit at 800 in hopes that i will get used to it and will be able to slowly add to it until i am at, what is considered, a normal healthy caloric intake...but is that really what i am doing? i dont know...i feel like that is also my cal limit so that i have an excuse to keep it lower than the "healthy" requirement for a girl my height/age. i want to say it is in the name of recovery but i also want to say it is in hopes that i still lose weight. i truly do not know which one it is and i dont understand how it is that i dont know. i feel like someone is thinking for me, thinking in secret, hiding information from me in my own mind. how is this possible? if i think something, i should know what it is...shouldnt i? it is, after all, my mind...isnt it?

the descent into ana, depression, obsession over food was a slow progressive trip over many years and so i expect the travel back to normality be just as grueling and difficult; right now i am having a bit of trouble trying to figure out where, exactly, i am going with this. i really wish i had a road map...




i took a long tiring time consuming tripa trip to false happinessthinness beauty purity.i learned how to controlhow full im allowed to gethow many pounds i consumehow often i eatto exercise dailyit was not all it seemed to becontrol turned into being controlledpower turned into lack thereofbeauty turned into painpurity turned into liesbut to let go is hardit it still beauty and happiness to mei still want to make it to my destination

but insteadi am now trying to make it on the off ramp to changethe traffic is quite bad right nowit is currently stoppedi have my turn signal ontickingtickingtickingblinkingblinkingblinkingi dont know if the cars will let me throughi feel i may miss the exit...but i want to try my hardest to get inbefore traffic starts flowing and i miss my chancethere is another place called happinessand it is down that off rampi have to try

meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 5:25p
meal- ½c corn, ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola: 280cal 8:30p
meal- ramen, 1tbsp ice cream: 220cal 11:00p
snack- 1 slice Papa John's cheese pizza, 1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o brand pudding cup, 3 cookies: 550cal 1:15a

1580cal total :(

i want to purge, but i wont, i refuse. you hear that ana? i refuse! yes! i am defying you! i made a vow and by golly if i cant be strong and control my eating, i am damn well going to be strong to my promise and control my purging!

muesli and granola cereal to the rescue!...im a pollotarian europoid by the way XD

im a litto upset about my intake today -__- instead of eating all 6 chicken tenders i should have eaten 2 or 3 for fuck sake but instead my fat ass binged all 6 blehhh. i told myself to stop over and over but i just...couldnt. how does a person lack so much control that they cant stop eating when they want to? im not too upset though because most my day was quite healthy! i wont be too upset about high calorie intake if its healthy cereals, fruits and veggies =) that i can handle! so im going to try to make 2 of my meals be muesli, cereal, oatmeal, cream of wheat, bananas, strawberries, spinach, corn, that sort a thing. oh and i bought blueberry bagels last night, i know not a very good idea but i thought of them, wanted them and went with it because im supposed to be trying to get better, which i am, its just fucking hard!

so we finally had time to go grocery shopping and i bought some granola cereal and a litto of the ingredients i need to make muesli. its one of my favorite swedish foods next to pannkaker!

technically i am also swedish. but it gets annoying when people ask my ethnicity, and in order to avoid further unnecessary questions that i could just answer beforehand, i say, "im hapa haole: half japanese, half caucasian: british, swedish, scottish and irish...the ish-es." thats why instead of calling myself hapa haole, which in turn gets the question "what kine hapa haole?" or "what is hapa haole?" (hapa haole=an asian/caucasian mix) or calling myself japanese/caucasian, in which case people then ask the racial ingredients to my caucasoid mixture, id much rather plainly state "japanese/british". though i wish more people knew what a europoid was (an esoteric anthropological word basically meaning a person with races from europe, north africa, the horn of africa and west, central, and south asia.) because wouldnt hearing a person state "i am a japanese europoid." just intrigue you? it does me! maybe i should just stick with that...you know, i think i may ^__^ spread the word a bit, make it better known. ha! and ill take credit when its a well known word XD ill get to say "i started it, i called my self europoid before non-anthropologists knew what it was!"

ive been thinking about making a new blog on different diets. there are so many diets out there but not all of them are reasonable. i have a few that i really think are quality, healthy and that work. of course both the 2468 and ABC diets arent considered as "healthy" by society standards, but for us, it works and i will include them in the blog if i do make it. and also i will include the different vegetarian diet lifestyles such as vegetarian of course, pescatarian, pollotarian, etc. let me know what you think =)

ha! i almost forgot, so far every fortune cookie ive eaten was so fucking on it! the recent ones said:

"Satisfaction is a full reward." so true! heres my interpretation on this one because we avoid feeling full= "satisfaction of thin beauty is a full reward."

"There is always time for you to try a new path in in life." this one was when i decided to move up here, an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, to be with boyfriend.

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial." i ate that one a day after me and boyfriend had our fight. i thought, "a little late huh?" wasnt that completely ironic though, that a day, a DAY after i decide to try to get better for boyfriend, because i realized how much i love him, he finds out and we fight?

and the last one "You will be hungry again in one hour." to which my initial thought was "ug, your so right -__-" then my second thought as i rolled my eyes and tossed it on the bin "fuck you mind reading pieces of paper!" XD i showed boyfriend and told him "why do all these things seem to be directly linked to me?" he giggled when he read it. it is kinda cool!
i like to open up the back of my phone, where the battery is, and keep the most current one in there. sort of in hopes for good fortune. the rest are in a tiny "fortune cookie box" ^__^ kinda pack rat/cheesey-ish but i like to remember the points in my life that they matched, if they didnt, which hast happened yet, i throw it away.

meal- 1c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 176cal 3:40p
snack- ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola, 1/2 banana: 252.5 6:00p
meal- ½banana: 52.5cal 9:15p
snack- 1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 11:55p
snack- 1 fortune cookie: 30cal 12:55a
meal- 6 chicken tenders: 250cal 2:30a

761cal total