ive seen a bit of change in me, a positive change i think, not very big but a change nonetheless. i feel a tad more ok with myself; a little more at ease. although i still hide from mirrors and close my eyes at any glimpse of myself when i look down to scrub my tummy in the shower or when im undressing/changing because i know she will take over and i cant bare to see myself anymore, it just makes me unhappy and sad. i dont even really like to see myself when i do have clothes on just going to put up my hair or brush my teeth. i dont like seeing how my face has filled in...but i do feel a change in me that seems to be good. i am not sure yet if it is because i am sticking to the 800cal limit i have set for myself, which makes me feel i am still in control despite "recovery" (with the unfortunate exception of today. i ate out of stupidity, sadness and trying to be normal), or because i am exercising alot more than before, or because i am slowly making progress in "getting better"...or because of something else i am unaware of.i use quotations because i cannot help but feel i do not deserve or need words like: recovery, getting better. i feel like i wasnt sick or bad in the first place. i didnt think i was too thin or appeared malnourished. perhaps it is because i just cant see it; my eyes are, after all, broken. i feel like i was just doing what was best for me. what i needed to be happy and at peace with myself, but i know to the rest of the people in the world who are alarmed by us, i am sick and in need of words like "recovery" :P
contradictingly, there is also a part of me who does feel i am sick and need professional help; like i am too weak to do this; like i am a joke, kidding myself thinking i can do this alone...i am honestly lost in all this...i am not sure of my intentions with any of it...i set my cal limit at 800 in hopes that i will get used to it and will be able to slowly add to it until i am at, what is considered, a normal healthy caloric intake...but is that really what i am doing? i dont know...i feel like that is also my cal limit so that i have an excuse to keep it lower than the "healthy" requirement for a girl my height/age. i want to say it is in the name of recovery but i also want to say it is in hopes that i still lose weight. i truly do not know which one it is and i dont understand how it is that i dont know. i feel like someone is thinking for me, thinking in secret, hiding information from me in my own mind. how is this possible? if i think something, i should know what it is...shouldnt i? it is, after all, my mind...isnt it?the descent into ana, depression, obsession over food was a slow progressive trip over many years and so i expect the travel back to normality be just as grueling and difficult; right now i am having a bit of trouble trying to figure out where, exactly, i am going with this. i really wish i had a road map...
meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 5:25p
meal- ½c corn, ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola: 280cal 8:30p
meal- ramen, 1tbsp ice cream: 220cal 11:00p
snack- 1 slice Papa John's cheese pizza, 1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o brand pudding cup, 3 cookies: 550cal 1:15a
1580cal total :(
i want to purge, but i wont, i refuse. you hear that ana? i refuse! yes! i am defying you! i made a vow and by golly if i cant be strong and control my eating, i am damn well going to be strong to my promise and control my purging!
im so glad your happier! i completely understand how hard it is to overcome those feelings. and they never really go away but i know that your stronger than those ED thoughts. hang in there, overtime it does get alittle easier. hell, when i was recovered i lasted 4 yrs so if i could do it you can too!
ReplyDeletestay strong
meg
1580 should be pretty near ur BMR so thats quite healthy! dont worry, no need to purge.
ReplyDeletei understand you fully, however. i feel good about myself when i eat because i know my body needs food, especially healthy food. however, it depresses me because i wish i didnt need any food whatsoever, i wish my body could live off air and water. so when i eat a certain number of calories, i say its to become healthy but a part of me is saying "its still less than what your body needs so youll be losing weight". its vicious.
stay determined. good luck with getting better! you've been following my blog for so long and i've never taken a look at yours. its great! ill be following you from now on :)
Glad to hear your doing okay! I'm not sure If this is the case with you, but I would never be able to overcome my eating disorder alone. I've tried before and each time it has come back:/
ReplyDeleteIf yo think you might need other help, don't be afraid to ask for it. It is your happiness and health that is at stake. Try to for your self, but if you can't then think of your boyfriend and do it for him
good luck!<3
o hun just hang in there ok and 1500 cals inst bad its prob close to ur bmr neway so u really dont have to worry about it
ReplyDeletethe road to getting better ins going to b hard ur going to struggle everyday but u just have to stay strong and keep doing what ur doing cause u r doing great bu tif u feel like u need more help then seek it out