thanksgiving dinner? ahhh why not? :3

im late but happy thanksgiving girls! :3 i know its a hard time for all of you and i hope you survived ok without too much panic. im happy to say that this is the very first enjoyable holiday meal that ive had and you know what? i smiled through it! ^__^ i ate without over eating. though i admit i ate a tad bit more even after i was full, but i didnt feel a bit guilty for it! i didnt panic at the thought of what was in my food, how many calories there were, how many pounds i was gaining as i ate, or how gross id feel after i ate. in fact i didnt even feel any of the normal side effects eating has on me.

ive made a new, simple, meal plan for myself. one i can defo follow! its in the sidebar in place of the modified ABC. i gess im not that far yet cuz i still screw up :P since ive returned from vancouver, the only meal plan ive been following is trying to stay away from greasy/oily foods and not over eating/being sure i stop as soon as im full. ive been making sure to drink water during my meals and have been staying attentive to how close to full i get. i allow myself to be full but i stop as soon as i realize it. its been working pretty well! my calories are usually between 700-900. im finding that to be the hardest to go against without feeling horrible. its a huge OCD for me as well as for most of you. that and cooking with butter/oil/salt. thats partially from the way my family cooks i think cuz my mom does it too...i had no idea how many things can be inherited. i recently found out that i posses a characteristic of my father that ive never even witnessed! O.o (as a child he always apologized to his mother for being sick when he was. he felt he was inconveniencing her. obviously i wouldnt know about it seeing as i wasnt born ^__^ but i do the same. i apologize to anyone who is taking care of me, for being sick.) anyway, i wanna eat mostly veggies for my lunches. that will be more and more possible when i eventually have money coming in. i think it sounds awesome to have a light but substantial breakfast, a salad and some fruit for lunch and fish or tofu and steamed veggies for dinner! i hardly eat red meat as it is so im good in that area but i dont think i really like chicken anymore either O.o never thought id say that honestly XD i thought that would be my only flaw to becoming full pesco. im growing tired of chicken, oh well, cant hurt right?!

EDIT: ...wanna know a reason why i prefer fish to any other meat? like i said, red meat stinks to me unless its cooked a certain style, i cant eat too much of it without grossing out. but the main reason why i cringe at the thought of eating real, un-processed red meat or fowl is because it reminds me of muscle. the way it strings when you tear it apart...if you look at a human muscle anatomy chart, our muscles look to me like they'd come apart stringy when you eat it the way chicken does and beef does when its tender (like roast). if i dont remember/picture that while im eating, im ok. but once i think about it its ruined. kinda turns my stomach and then it starts smelling bad like rotting flesh... O.o

ive been doing core exercises for the past week and a half and my abs are starting to show! AND ive got small girl-biceps now yay! :3 i am happy. all i want is less flab, less loose skin, less jiggles, a tight flat tummy, and a 1" space between my upper thighs! is that too much to ask? haha it really is if im not doing any cardio XD so for that, shame on me. ive got the muscles under there hiding, i just need to burn the fat covering them is all. i still have a tummy pooch but its not as bad as it was. ive also been stretching daily and am proud to say that when i go to touch my toes, i can now touch the length of my fingers flat on the floor!!! im working on getting my palms to lay flat and being able to do splits...O.o gosh, that will be a bit...

i FINALLY got hand sanitizer in key chain size! :D ive been looking everywhere and of corse when i want it, no one carries it anymore :P i was So happy when boyfriend came home with it for me the other day. i pulled off the ugly brand stickers and drew a cute face on it XD i was about ready to buy a regular small hand-sani and crochet a holder for it haha! now i wont have to gross out the whole time after someone touches me. now its like: "wanna shake my hand??? ummm...--i got hand sani!--...ok i gess if you gotta." haha! instead of "oooh shit...i have to meet people...that means shaking hands...nasty! what did you touch?! im dirty, im dirty, im dirty, imddirtyimdirtyimdirty! gotta wash gottawashgottawashgottawash! ewww the dirt is moving up my arm!" at least its not as bad as it was. id yell at my mom and brother for touching me and run straight to the bathroom! and for people i didnt know, id just stare at their hand instead of shanking it.

i made my first sale in my new business and so far i have 3 other customers! one girl wants a little turtle costume for her puppy! so cute! right now, since im starting out, if they have any ideas on what they want me to make, i just see if i can figure a way to make it if i can. that way i dont have to turn down any customers i may get unless i havent the skill to do what they ask. i need all the money i can get! ive got people to buy presents for! ^__^ that is the funnest part of Christmas, buying things for others.

also, new profile pic, new photos, and new music in the side bar! :3 i am in love with every song on that playlist ^__^ lemme know what you think!

hmmm things get curiouser and curiouser...

sooo...we went to blockbuster to get call of duty for boyfriend. i was going to look around for new releases to watch tonight but i didnt feel like taking up time so instead i headed over to the art section while he paid (art sec in blockbuster?? haha). i saw they had awesome photos of Marilyn Monroe and american mcgee's alice printed onto framed wood, when i noticed my reflection. the pillar next to the art had full length mirrors on all four sides. i wondered why since its not like they were selling or ever sold clothing or sunglasses or hats. i made sure no one was around first before i stood in front of it. i couldnt stop from trying to analyze my body, i wanted to save myself the humiliation of someone seeing a vain girl stare intently at herself in front of the mirror...the odd thing was what i saw...i saw a girl who met my expectations all exept my thighs were still a bit on the larger side but its tolerable. it caused me to stare even more so. it baffled me and i still dont understand it. i swear im chubby but now i dont know. i could not believe i saw a girl who wasnt fat or chubby. my pants were baggy and so was my shirt and my face wasnt chubby beside its normal japanese girl chipmunk cheeks. i actually looked presentable....acceptable. im not sure if it was because today was an easy day, if its because i havent been eating until im full so i feel better about myself, if it was because my clothes just dont fit so its an illusion, if it was the mirror tricking me (im thinking it was that but who knows), or if im somehow...getting better?? im sure a bad day is about to hit any day now because they always do and its not over yet, but this was defo a nice change! =)

in other news me and boyfriend took a walk in the woods again today :3 it was nice out! it was fun but also for a sad reason. his dog, buster, is very old and we needed to pick a spot to bury him. i think we picked a nice one that will make buster happy. he has a nice stream in view and beautiful trees, vines and odd roots ive never seen. we also found a spot to picnin...(ive typed that word 6x and it still comes out with an "n" at the end rather than a "c" -__- so im leaving it that way) its going to be out little spot in the woods :D

also, my favorite music:
its a bit on the older side but still good!



and im in LOVE with this song! i love her lolita outfit, i wanna get married in a dress just like it!!! even when i was younger i never thought wedding dresses were very pretty and i always knew my dress would be something different and beautiful =)

acceptance is near =)

hullo my litto bleuets! ive missed you! ❤ i needed to take a break and show myself i could do this, and lookie lookie, im doing it! im on the 8th day and i havent screwed up yet! thats one day longer than last time =) though, this time it is easier because the calories are higher and because it is something i dont have to sneak and lie about like last time, this time i am doing this with the intention of slowly upping my calories and weaning myself off of a meal plan. i will up my ABC plan 50 calories every cycle. baby steps =)

oh! going off topic here for a bit, before it slips my mind, i dont see how it possibly could ^//^ me and boyfriend had the most hottest, sexiest, most steamy night yet! ^__^ haha it just amazed me i had to say it! i absolutey LOVED it! it was like sexy romantic movie sex! oh gosh! i get giddy every time i think of it, i truly love this man...guy. man sounds odd. but i truly do! we match and fit like a perfect puzzle! ...ok! back to the topic at hand! XD


i talked to my cousin yesterday and confessed, i told her everything. i feel a bit bad i hadnt told her sooner. she is my closest and most favorite cousin. she is the most real (as in a real person; true). actually, she is the only real cousin in my family that i can think of. we grew up together, she used to call my mom "mom", we are like sisters. we dont keep in touch nearly as much as we should; there is always something going on in our lives, one of us gets lazy or we forget to write, but we love each other dearly. she is studying to be a therapist and is quite smart! very intuitive, thoughtful, she connects with you, and she has a very kind and loving heart. she spoke with me about ana. she actually tried to understand! :D she asked questions, pondered, wondered, interacted! i could feel that she genuinely cares and loves me and wants to try to understand what goes on in my mind! she brought to life what ive been saying from the beginning of recov. "all people see and care about is me eating normally and being a normal weight, rather than my my feelings." me being happy is part of what keeps me wanting this for myself, which is very important. it is basically: healthy and unhappy vs. happy and unhealthy. no one sees the happiness or unhappiness, they only see healthy and unhealthy. right now is a crucial time for me. healthy and unhealthy does not matter. what matters now is my happiness and my want to recover. this is what i have realized and really discovered these past days.
you do not need to have had something horrible happen in your life to have this sickness.
you do not need to be completely underweight to be sick and deserving of help.
you do not need to eat 2000+ calories all at once, daily, to be in recovery.
you do not need to feel excited or confident about recovery to want it.
you do not need to gain weight to prove recovery.

you need to learn to overcome the small uncomfortablilties it will bring.
you need to learn to have confidence in yourself.
you need to be willing to hand over control when the time comes.
you need to realize that it is a false happiness you had been chasing.
you need to know that recov is a difficult road and even something so simple as attempting it, is a huge step in the right direction.
this is all about baby steps. take a small step each day or each week. change something small that makes you just a bit uncomfortable, such as eating just 10-50cals more, or whatever you are comfortable with. rather than something huge, like 2000cal a day immediately, that makes you feel "i cant do this! this is hopeless! ill never make it, im going back to ana!" .no, that is not recovery, that is mental and emotional torture for the the sake of comforting others and relieving their worry about you. that is selfish in their part because they dont realize what it is doing to you. they just want you all healthy asap. but that is not healthy for a recoveree because it just causes relapse. any baby step in the right direction is a huge success! =) in the words of my cousin.

in the back of my mind, even when i was full blown ana, i wished i was a normal person who could just eat when she is hungry, not eat when she isnt hungry, eat the amount she needs to be genuinely full, but i had pushed that so far to the back of my mind that it was just an after thought. that thought is slowly fighting its way back to the front of my mind. im slowly starting to accept that i am in recovery and to become a relatively average eater is what i am striving for. me and my cousin made a deal. we will each change something in our daily routine, something that makes us a bit uncomfortable but is bearable. we each have a bathing routine so that is what we went with. starting today, in a new week, i am to change one thing in my bathing routine, daily.

i want a new dress, should i put the butterfly in my teeth?

boyfriends leg was hurting quite bad last night. its gotten worse over time. it started out as just a tender feeling to the touch, then it progressed into numbness and now it gives him sharp pains as if his leg is being stabbed with a knife. he went to the doctor and they said its a pinched nerve and that it may never go away! O.O it was so bad and i felt so bad for him. i massaged it and tried to channel my love and thoughts of making it feel better. i made my hands warm and firmly touched/massaged his leg with my palm while taking deeep slooow breaths. in through my nose...and out through my mouth. i closed my eyes and pictured all my feelings of love, of hope, and of goodness, and my thoughts of his leg being pain-free. i pictured it all churning inside me as a glowing healing liquid pumping out of my heart and through my veins with every breath; flowing into my arms, out of my hands and into his leg. im sad to say it didnt work fully :( he remained in pain. it was a nice thought and good try though. sounded like it would've worked didnt it? he said it helped a litto but the pain was still very bad.

i was getting ready to go for a walk and i tucked in my shirt like i always do. well gess what...i have a pooch again! i never got rid of it but now its really there! it hangs over my shorts like a fucking fanny pack! :( im back where i started. i got scared if my but got bigger too cuz thats one thing ive always hated. so i took the pencil test. i fucking fail. my ass is fat again...i swear if i got on a scale it would say im 107 again...thats where i started when i first moved in november last year! i was doing good when i first got here, half a personal frozen pizza a day-364cal (not that pizza is a good choice). i kinda let myself go after that. started eating the whole pizza. my stomach got stretched out causing me to get hungry more often and more to make me full. i let myself go until i realized i was 107lbs of fat. ending april i started looking for por-ana/mia and support sites but never found any that hadnt been deserted for a year or shut down. in may i found you girls and started blogging. got back on track with the support of my bleuets ^__^ thankyu so much for that! just knowing that people are there for me and understand what im going through because they are going though it too, it just makes you feel less alone =) it took me that whole time to get back to 95! im happy to say i reached 93, the smallest ive ever been! YAY!!! ^__^

pstt, hang in there, one more paragraph to go and then the good part.
at 93 i was so close to my goal, closest ive ever been to managing a smile when i look at myself and truly meaning it. meaning a smile at my body; not my hair or my clothes, i could smile at my body, and thats big for me...for all of us. i was actually able to start feeling i deserved that smile because it takes alot of control and discipline to come all that way. i started wearing half shirts and taking pictures of myself because well, i got vain XD i was proud of my work. i was almost grasping my dream, my fingertips were in its ora, i could feel the happiness on my fingertips...but it vanished! and now its pretty far...ive let myself go again.

i cant go back to 93 but 95 is my lowest healthy weight and im so fixing this. im going back there! time to get the self-pity fat that ive gained, off my body. ive lost everything i started to like about my body and i want it back! yes im in recovery but i dont have to lose control and let myself go so much as i have. ive been wallowing in self-pity about losing my dream and enough is enough! recovery ≠ losing control, ≠ excuse to be weak, ≠ excuse to binge, ≠ gaining horrid amounts of unhealthy weight! i started years ago at 135lbs and i refuse to go back there or even take steps in that direction any longer! this is the back-on-track confident me who is taking recovery by its horns and telling it AND ana what to do! not the other way around! nothing should control me, not ana not mia not recovery. i got into this because i wanted control, i lost it and im taking it back.

*deep breath and dramatic exhale* ok! now that i got that out of my system i feel all refreshed and confident and i am SO ready for the week! :D starting back my exercise routine, adding more to it and no more binging! one more binge before my mom sends me money and i will not allow myself to buy the clothes i need from the thrift shop ^__^ which i want and need so badly!
so! i went completely off track XD getting back to my walk today: i ACTUALLY walked for a whole complete hour today!!! oh, make that 58.5min cuz i RAN for a minute and a half! OH. MY. GOSH! O.O ahhh im so proud of myself! its so refreshing! =) haha a minute half isnt much but im so not a runner and havent ran in like a year so thats pretty cool for me haha. (ya i know, your wondering about my header picture now "'jogging on the path to perfection'?" haha it will be true again very soon!) while i was passing the pool, 5 girls between the ages of 7 and maybe 13 stopped me to look at my dog.
"its so tall! is it yours?"
"ya." i smile.
"look at its legs!"
"so skiiinny!"
"aww cute!"
and the last girl: "is it your helper seeing dog??" no honey, do i look blind? see my glasses? means i can see...i admit maybe not that well, and i do hold true to the contradicting phrase 'blind as a bat' but i can see haha that one made me laugh.
"how old is it?...he...she..."
i laugh a little "she and oh gosh i dunno. 5, 6 maybe?"
i start to walk again cuz i dont really wanna stay and chat too long. im on a mission of a healthy body! XD
they say bye to gripen and then bye to me.
i start walking and say "baibai!" as i turn.
i hear that one girl mimic the way i say bye. was i too happy about it? dont think she liked me much and after her mimic im thinking her question about gripen being my guide dog wasnt an accident but its ok, theyre litto and im in an awesome mood!

oh! before i finish this blog, i found the top half of a yellow and black butterfly's right wing and on the way home a maimed white butterfly flew in front of me and landed a few feet away. every time i got too close it flew further ahead until finally landing on the fence next to me and i walked past it. i saw it had a hole in its left wing...should i be worried?? butterflies are a symbol of luck, love and good fortune...wonder what that means my fortune is O.o haha i tried looking up about finding a butterfly wing but not the butterfly, or an injured butterfly. couldnt find anything accept that they bring luck and good fortune which i already knew. i did find this saying "If a woman wants a new dress, she must catch a butterfly of the same colour and hold it in her teeth while chanting a magik spell."

meal- 1 packet cream of wheat: 100cal 4:30p
snack- ½c Post Selects Blueberry Morning cereal: 88cal 7:30p
meal- 2c left over mac and cheese, ice cream sandwich: 730cal 11:05p
snack- 1 ice cream sandwich: 150cal 12:30a
snack- bag popcorn: 240cal 2:00a

1308cal total :P im completely over *breathe* yes im upset, *breathe* VERY...upset *breathe* but it will be ok. *breathe* im counting that as my final goodbye to weakness. starting tomorrow is a newer, better old me hahahahaha*breeeeeathe!*

mirrors are alive and someone is stealing my thoughts

ive seen a bit of change in me, a positive change i think, not very big but a change nonetheless. i feel a tad more ok with myself; a little more at ease. although i still hide from mirrors and close my eyes at any glimpse of myself when i look down to scrub my tummy in the shower or when im undressing/changing because i know she will take over and i cant bare to see myself anymore, it just makes me unhappy and sad. i dont even really like to see myself when i do have clothes on just going to put up my hair or brush my teeth. i dont like seeing how my face has filled in...but i do feel a change in me that seems to be good. i am not sure yet if it is because i am sticking to the 800cal limit i have set for myself, which makes me feel i am still in control despite "recovery" (with the unfortunate exception of today. i ate out of stupidity, sadness and trying to be normal), or because i am exercising alot more than before, or because i am slowly making progress in "getting better"...or because of something else i am unaware of.

i use quotations because i cannot help but feel i do not deserve or need words like: recovery, getting better. i feel like i wasnt sick or bad in the first place. i didnt think i was too thin or appeared malnourished. perhaps it is because i just cant see it; my eyes are, after all, broken. i feel like i was just doing what was best for me. what i needed to be happy and at peace with myself, but i know to the rest of the people in the world who are alarmed by us, i am sick and in need of words like "recovery" :P

contradictingly, there is also a part of me who does feel i am sick and need professional help; like i am too weak to do this; like i am a joke, kidding myself thinking i can do this alone...i am honestly lost in all this...i am not sure of my intentions with any of it...i set my cal limit at 800 in hopes that i will get used to it and will be able to slowly add to it until i am at, what is considered, a normal healthy caloric intake...but is that really what i am doing? i dont know...i feel like that is also my cal limit so that i have an excuse to keep it lower than the "healthy" requirement for a girl my height/age. i want to say it is in the name of recovery but i also want to say it is in hopes that i still lose weight. i truly do not know which one it is and i dont understand how it is that i dont know. i feel like someone is thinking for me, thinking in secret, hiding information from me in my own mind. how is this possible? if i think something, i should know what it is...shouldnt i? it is, after all, my mind...isnt it?

the descent into ana, depression, obsession over food was a slow progressive trip over many years and so i expect the travel back to normality be just as grueling and difficult; right now i am having a bit of trouble trying to figure out where, exactly, i am going with this. i really wish i had a road map...




i took a long tiring time consuming tripa trip to false happinessthinness beauty purity.i learned how to controlhow full im allowed to gethow many pounds i consumehow often i eatto exercise dailyit was not all it seemed to becontrol turned into being controlledpower turned into lack thereofbeauty turned into painpurity turned into liesbut to let go is hardit it still beauty and happiness to mei still want to make it to my destination

but insteadi am now trying to make it on the off ramp to changethe traffic is quite bad right nowit is currently stoppedi have my turn signal ontickingtickingtickingblinkingblinkingblinkingi dont know if the cars will let me throughi feel i may miss the exit...but i want to try my hardest to get inbefore traffic starts flowing and i miss my chancethere is another place called happinessand it is down that off rampi have to try

meal- 1 blueberry bagel: 260cal 5:25p
meal- ½c corn, ½c Heartland low-fat raisin granola: 280cal 8:30p
meal- ramen, 1tbsp ice cream: 220cal 11:00p
snack- 1 slice Papa John's cheese pizza, 1 chocolate vanilla Jell-o brand pudding cup, 3 cookies: 550cal 1:15a

1580cal total :(

i want to purge, but i wont, i refuse. you hear that ana? i refuse! yes! i am defying you! i made a vow and by golly if i cant be strong and control my eating, i am damn well going to be strong to my promise and control my purging!

the time has come for this cage to fill with the noises of laughter and love it has never known

boyfriend found my blog. changed my name and picture to the real me and changed my password as well. we fought; i cried, he hurt. i have not been recognizing just how much of a bitch i have been. ive lied, ive cheated, ive decieved and most of all i dragged my own boyrfiend, whom i love with all my heart, through the mud. ive mostly talked about how he forced me to eat this and made me eat that and several other mean things. but ive only said a few good things like that day he carried me to bed because i fell asleep watching the movie or our kiss in the rain. why did i do that? why didnt i say more about how sweet he is and loved he makes me feel? why did i portray him to be such a dick? did he seem like a dick to you when you read my blogs? i would like to say that he really isnt horrible in the least. i love him so much with all my heart. i did take out my frustrations about food out on him in my blogs and i know/knew it isnt his fault. i merely just needed a place to exhale my frustrations so i could continue inhaling the love i feel for him. to all of you that have gotten rude comments from me, i am sorry. i hurt my boyfriend terribly and we have had an extremely rough week. alot of crying, frustrastion, anger, harsh words, and a relationship almost ended; but we are going to be ok. at first he didnt want anything more to do with me, but after we had a long talk and i poured my soul to him in tears, he began to understand a little more that i need help. i need someone to help me, to love me, to be there for me and he realized that he still wanted to be that someone. he told me that out of hurt and anger he said some things, as me, on some of your blogs and i am incredibly sorry to all of you who were hurt by it! please do not feel anger toward him because it was my fault. i kept this from him for far too long and caused this bomb to go off. it ticked and ticked until its final tick caused our feelings to murge and explode. therefore in lack of understanding, hurt feelings, anger, fear of losing me to ana and probably a million other things, he attacked what he could, you girls. he has apologized for it, but really, i should be doing the apologizing to you. i also apologized a thousand times to him and i still feel like saying sorry every second, everytime i think of the whole bloddy ordeal!

he had originally told me that he wouldnt trust me until i was 105 again and that he wanted me to be 115 again. he was still full of emotions at the time and after we both calmed down, i asked him about 100 because 105 and even more so, 115 would torture me to no end! we agreed on 101. but a couple nights ago i cried quietly, laying naked next to him in bed. i felt so ashamed of my body. i felt self conscious to be naked in front of him and i didnt want my body touching him; i felt disgusting because when i laid on my side like i normally do, i could see and feel my stomach. it is much bigger now and kinda hangs low toward the bed...uggg its so gross i have to atart exercising again!!! i know ive gained at least 1.5lbs.................after that night he told me i could stay the weight i am, i dont have to gain! YAY! i am SO fucking relieved!!! but i promised i wouldnt lose anymore, so i cant lose., but i dont have to gain; fuck thats all i want right now! if i have to recover, ill take maintaining over gaining any day! :D i know i wont be happy with my body and i know this is going to be a long process, so fucking long! but i have to do this! i love him and i dont want to live without him! i will get a psychiatrist, when i am able, to help make the way i see myself and to make the way i view food as a weakness normal...well mostly normal because if ive never seen myself the way others do since before i can remember, i dont think there is any way i will ever fully be happy with myself and still not think of food as weakness sometimes. ive been ana/mia for 6-7yrs and ednos for 4yrs prior, this is going to be hard. im at a stage right now where all i want to do is eat because ive deleloped the taste for food again and mia mindset has gone off again. but minus the purging because i promised i wouldnt and im not opening that door and risking losing my second chance! right now all i want to do is eat and eat and eat and the control for that is barely hanging on! im teetering over the binge pole. i eat like a normal person right now not because im "all better" (i wish it was that fast), but because mia's desire for the taste of food is back and theres only one little rope tying me to control that keeps me from cooking/baking/heating/poring/stirring/glopping/fixing/cutting/preparing all the food in the house and sitting at the table and eating until my tummy bursts open. i just got out of that! i used to go downstairs up to 3x a night when mia had me and eat 3 peanut butter/jelly sandwiches, a danish, ice cream, turkey cheese rolls, jello, carrots, cereal with marshmellows, peanut butter with chocolate sauce, peanut butter with marshmellows, marshmellows with chocolate sauce, kit kats, milky ways, whoppers, ice cream sandwiches and im SO not kidding you! i ate all of that in one night once! O.O fuck that was gross! but its partially because of mia and partially because ive started the emotional eating thing i used to do earlier in life that im teetering on this binge pole. i have to learn how to find a healthy NORMAL balance with food and i just dont have it! like i said before, i either eat to little or eat to much! either starve or binge. i will figure this out!

please dont stop following! i love you guys so much! i have nothing but grattitude and appriciation that i found this community and all you lovelies in it! this is still my blog and im still going to post on it =) just, now, my goal is no longer losing.......its maintaining. not only my weight, but my relationship.......wow...its really hard to say that my goal is no longer losing because thats been my goal my entire life: to get skinnier and skinnier, ive never known myself to be content with my weight...when i said my goal is no longer losing, ana countered that immidiately with "fuck 'its not'! yes it is!" and i had to fix it and tell myself it is...but love comes first before an unreal happiness. sacrifice is one of the ways you prove your love =) but i am still here to support all of you recovery or not <3 and im still alice ^__^ ive grown quite fond of that name. you can choose to call me kiyomi, kii or alice, up to you. since its out, my real name is brandi but quite frankly, i hate it! so i go by my middle name, kiyomi and kii is my nickname. also, since you've all seen my real picture and know who i really am, ive put up a better real pic of my for my profile :P

facebook me! =) but let me know who you are (if you want and your names not the same) cuz i kinda get quite a bit of requests:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1460550616

the only part of my body i am somewhat proud of, soon there will be more

i am glad that i can see my clavicle, its defo the BEST part of my body! i need my ribs, spine, shoulder blades and the bone at the edge of my shoulder right at the top of my arm to show more. if i can do that, i will be happy! i will be more than happy! i will be ecstatic! thrilled! content! calm! beautiful! pure! clean! and THIN! im kind of taking a chance by having these pics here but no one i know personally, uses blogger or even cares to blog for that matter so i think im pretty safe =) im so glad i decided to blog. journaling in notebooks is way to convenient for snoopers and im-trying-to-figure-out-whats-wrong-with-you-ers. its happened to me 4x too many and ive finally used the intelligent part of my brain! XD ive had blogs before but just got lazy and didnt have as much access to a computer as i needed to be able to think/write what i needed to write.


ive done good today =) i am ok with my cals today, not much better than yesterday and still over like all of this past month! but its ok. while xxx was sleeping i took the left over hamburger helper that i said id eat today and put it straight in a coffee filter, crunched it up and threw it away and the fucking cheese sauce went down the sink =) the pig under the sink can get fat on it XD so i was able to get away with not eating till dinner because he thought i ate. i dont even feel the want for food! i think ana's come back! :D oh im so happy!!! its the best feeling to know you're going to be ok and everything will be fine.

i did have a whole fucking plan for what to eat today that i failed though :/ and it was going to be perfect, i was going to be under 200 like i used to be everyday before i caught the binge virus that has been cycling and passing from ana girl to ana girl in this community -__- so anyway that didn't work out because i found out we were having frozen pizza (330cal=1 slice) for dinner. i successfully cut one slice into 3 and when xxx saw it
"oh god..."
"what??"
"you cut it into little tiny pieces."
"ya! took a picture!" lie
"oh." relief smile
" is artistic!"
so i fed the 2/3rds of it to the dogs while i stood in the kitchen and ate my 1/3rd. but the very last piece i fed to the dog, she took it and for no fucking reason, ran out into the living room where xxx was to finish eating it! i got paranoid thinking he'll figure out that ive been feeding it to the dogs so i said "woa! she took the crust i gave her and bolted! ran away from grip (our other dog)! since when is grip the bully?! its usually her." then to be more convincing i asked for another slice and fucking started eating it! why?! but thank ana for liquids you use on foods! i grabbed hot sauce and wrote "FAT!" on it and that was enough to kill the on coming binge! :D i purged it and i think im finally back on track! my cals are completely over today but im ok and not upset about it because i know im going to be ok! =)

the post "Eat Well for Flat Abs" at Hopes For Hipbones was completely right! i had tamago meshi for breakfast and my tummy didnt even growl all day! well, it did but just a tad, i hardly felt it! :D im not completely back to ana yet so im scared to feel hungry for fear of it being a binge trigger. tamago meshi is one of my favorites so im glad =) and im japanese so eating a raw egg with rice is normal haha no need to cook it with pan spray, butter or oil. just crack and pop straight into the bowl! XD it definitely does the trick! i did the STUPIDEST thing though!!! xxx bought reese's pieces, a king size pack for me and one for him. i dont know why one pack said 190cal per serving and one said 200 but anyway. i got the 190cal pack and fucking divided wrong! 1 did 190/51 instead of 51/190! i was thrilled but confused to find out that the pack was only 30.33cal but it took me the whole pack to figure out that "hey, how is it i ate all 113 (yes i counted) pieces but its only 30.33cal when the bag says 2 servings of 190 is in here?.....FUCK!" so i went straight to the toilet of course! nooo way was i gonna let all 421cal stay in me uh uh! im not going to count it as a binge or get too upset. im only upset by the fact that im 21 and dont know how to fucking divide or realize the obvious! XD im defo being more careful now!

i saw a girl at kroger the other day and from the back she looked asian and skinny. she had on a mesh black 1/2 top ending just above her belly button, a black bra, and a long black skirt. i kicked xxx to show him cuz we like to spot sexy asian girls and show point them out to each other XD but then she turned sideways and i saw her face, she wasnt asian, just tried the asian style. but the 1st thing i noticed was that her tummy stuck out so far i dont know how she looked skinny from behind! O.o and it wasnt a pregnant belly pooch either, you could tell; it looked more like a beer belly pooch! O.o

my mom just got a walmart card and put 50$ on it =) i feel SO bad asking her for money but i need shorts and panties. my panties are so old theyre ripping and my shorts are too. my friend is coming down in 10 days so we're gonna go to the mall and ill get them then. =) ill save xxx a trip taking me to the mall since he absolutely hates it haha maybe i can get me a hat too, im a hat girl! XD i was thinking of using some of it, if i have enough, to FINALLY pierce my lip! but too bad i cant, i dont have enough and xxx told me i shouldnt do it yet. his mom is really money focused (greedy!) and will get on our case about why money was used for that and not things that are needed. she doesnt even particularly like when i buy new clothes :P bitch. what does she expect me to do?? walk around in hobo clothes?? she'd be more upset that i look like a slob :P but xxx said when he gets a job or when his mom and her husband go on their trip to vegas soon (oooh ya, thats a thing needed to spend money on, uhhh huh, definitely!). im defo gonna save up to get my lip pierced while theyre gone! FINALLY! ive been talking and waiting for it for fucking ever!! :D xxx has been trying to get a job and i think he may get this newest welding one they set up for him! and ive been applying like crazy! wish us luck!! :D

i didnt get to walk down to pick raspberries because i was doing clothes all day and we were busy but i will tomorrow...hopefully :P but ive been making sure that any and every time i go to the bathroom, i DO NOT open that door to leave until ive completed 100 squats =) so far so good! takes about 2 min for 100 so ive been doing about 15min everyday at least, plus the crunches ive been doing as well: 20-center, 20-left side, 20-right side, 30sec hold center in plank, 30sec hold in left twist, and 30sec hold in right twist =) i have gotten much better! i remember when i could do no more than 30 squats without a break and 15 crunches without a break. now i can do 100 squats, no break and 50 crunches going straight into a minute and a half hold crunch! :D YAY!!!

1/4c tamago meshi: 70cal 1:55p
113 Reese's Pieces: 421cal 6:10p (purge 6:12p)
1/3 slice frozen pizza: 110cal 1o:25p
1 slice frozen pizza: 330cal 10:40p (purge 10:45p)
1/4c Rainbow sorbet: 60cal 1:00a

231cal over :P
991cal eaten
751-10%= 675.9cal purged
cal net total315.1

strawberry-fucking-vanilla swirl hair!

July 18

today sucked! i had to open my big mouth and ask to go to a frozen yogurt place if we could find one nearby -__- we went driving to a plaza where xxx thought one would be, turns out it wasnt there and he ended up taking me for a fucking burger! why did i open my mouth for fuck sake? i wish we had found the yogurt place, i would have eaten 200cal instead of 650! :/

1 burger w/swiss: 500cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
some french fries: 150cal 4:10p (purge 4:45p)
6 crackers: 76cal 8:30p
some egg salad: 30cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 25cal 8:30p
some jelly: 29cal 8:30p

110cal over :(
810cal eaten
650-20%= 520cal purge
290cal net total

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 19

today wasnt so bad...i gess...at least its under 700. thats all i ask for now until i get back in gear. i cant wait till im fully recovered and back to my 500cal limit and staying under 200cal! no matter what the limit, im used to staying considerably under so this barely under/completely over thing is just ridiculous to me i dont get why i cant just control myself. but i can feel the control coming back and the dislike of food finally coming back as well. i need the weak desire and want for food to disapear again!




tomorrow i plan on walking down toward the library to pick some wild raspberries like we found the other day :D gives me a good excuse to go walking and they're delicious! ive not allowed myself to eat them yet because its sort of like a reward for me and yesterday/today did not deserve a reward! but hopefully tomorrow! ^__^

Alice D talked about scrunching her hair in one of her recent posts and ive always wanted to try it. she posted a link to a youtube vid that explained how to do it so i gave it a try! :D i did my hair up just like the vid and ill see what happens when i wake! i did it a litto different though because i have absolutely nooo coordination whatsoever! XD sooo safe to say it wont be as curly or pretty but ill get the hang of it! well, provided i like how it looks on me tha is =) i plan on permin my hair curly someday ^__^ and i cant wait till i dye my hair purple! im planning on bleaching and streaking my hair a deep purple. i have so many colors i want to do though! (i have chocolate brown hair) in the future these are all the colors i will do:

light pink
hot pink
green
red
red and black
purple and black
purple and red
purple and green
light pink and green
light pink and black
hot pink and black
light pink, purple and green
and pooosiblyy bleach my hair platinum blond with light pink, kinda like a strawberry/vanilla swirl-ish look XD .....oh fuck, just listen to me, i want to look like fucking ice cream! dam fucking food! :P i absolutely adore colors! XD


3/4 Burger King strawberry shake: 322.5cal 5:00p
3/4c Kix: 66cal 8:30p
some peanut butter: 55cal 8:35p
1c Hamburger Helper Cheesey Hashbrowns: 190cal

66.5cal under
633.5cal eaten

success! :D ana is giving me back control!

im getting out of the cage mia put me in

xxx woke me up earlier than normal today because we planned to take the dogs to the park =) i usually sleep at 6am and wake at 2pm haha vampire! but its good cuz the day seems to go by faster and i take naps sometimes. but the first thing i woke to was hunger -__- normally id completely love it! i did but because im in a prone to binging phase being hungry is dangerous. so of course a stupid cinnamon roll calls to me! and i ate it! at least i didnt binge because of it! step in the right direction! ive been keeping my binges to a minimal and relatively in control if you can call 676cal control from previously staying under 200..... :P

after the dog park his mom calls and tells him that a lady she knows caught a racoon and was scared of it but needed it gone. so me and xxx went to go pick it up but we had to wait a while for them to show up. when the lady came she had 2 daughters, one older and one little, and a 10yr old son. the older daughter looked about 14 maybe 15, she is one of the only skinny girls ive seen up here! i was surprised she wasnt chubby or fat. she stood a little next to me and kept looking at me and finally said "i like your top...its, nice." i said thanks but i thought "huh? its just a regular t-shirt i tied off to the side..." she seemed shy haha but i understood cuz im the same way. i try to make an effort and comment or say something stupid XD after the lady was done taking pictures of the racoon she told xxx "so is that your daughter?" while motioning to me hahaha he kinda laughed and said "no, my girlfriend. she's older then she looks..." but he was smiling and so was i. she felt sooo bad haha XD she kept saying sorry so he said "its ok, its been a joke of ours." too bad he was at the back of the truck and i was in the front keeping our dogs away from the racoon. we had planned to give eachother a super sexy french kiss in front of anyone who said i was his daughter or sister XD i would have loved to do that!

and just curious, everytime you make an adjustment to a post after you've posted, does it put it back in the dashboard list of new posts everytime?? if thats the case, WOOPS!!! i wonder how many fucking times you guys see my posts cuz i make alot of adjustments to my mistakes! XD

1 apple cinnamon roll: 290cal 11:40a
small spoon of ice cream: 25cal 1:13p
2 slices bread: 120cal 1:56p
1 scoop egg salad: 90cal 1:56p
part of a brownie cookie ice cream snadwich: 110cal 10:45p
1 celery stalk: 6cal 1:50a
some egg salad: 35cal 1:50a


24cal under
676cal eaten

back on track but possibly being kicked out :(

yesterday was my first day back on track and im glad! its such a relief! i hope i can continue in the right direction =) theres a whole strawberry pie and im scared for when they open it! i dont know if i can resist! but im going to do my absolute fucking best!



im worried a little. xxx's mom is being a complete fucking bitch and says we have to move out. she's mad at him because he couldnt fix the washer. she turned it on and it sprayed water all over her and she says he sabotaged her...how stupid a reason to kick us out! he tried to fix it and he couldnt so she's pissed. we have no where to go, no jobs, nothing, not even a car to live out of because thats her car...i dont know what we'll do :/ i have no doubt she'll throw out all of his stuff if he cant take it with us. he doesnt want me to live on the street with him so he asked me last night if i thought my friend J, the one that was going to come over the end of this month (which isnt going to happen now if this is really happening and his mom really does throw us out), would let me stay with her for a week. her dad probably would let me stay there but, but, thats fucking scary! he works at the psych ward with cutters, anorexics, bulimics, and depressed people. he knows all the tricks and things to look for im NOT going to a hospital no fucking way! :( im scared for us, im scared for me, i hope his mom gets over it! and if she doesnt i hope one of his friends will have a heart to let us stay. i want to stay with him...


1/2c Kix: 44cal 3:35p
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 3:35p
1 Dannon Light & Fit yougurt cup peach: 80cal 6:07p
3/4c stir fry: 30cal 1:00a
1 no-sugar/low-caloire Jell-o cup: 10cal 2:25a


311cal under
189cal eaten

YAY!!! ive been staying cheap!

June 6

yesterday went good until i had a fucking binge on graham crackers and a peanut butter jelly sandwich. i couldnt purge because i ate too fast and all the air in my tummy made it hard to purge silently. oh mother of all hell my tummy hated the fuck outta me! i felt like i had to take the worst crap of my pathetic life it hurt so bad! my tummy must ABSOLUTELY HATE peanut butter!!! after a while i couldnt take it i went to the bathroom and purged it all! lucky me the air had time to come up through little burps in the time i waited.

i needed a scratch bad on my back so i bent over and asked him to scratch my back for me and after a while
"you have to eat more..."
"why??"
"i can see your ribs and you spine real bad..."
"oh...thats good!"
"...babe..."
i get up and hug him with my head facing down and my cheek on his chest "i like it." he cant see but i have the biggest smile.
"i dont..."
"why?? its good. im healthy theres nothing to worry about."
"but i dont like it, its not good it makes me sad."
"...it makes me happy."
"fine, if it makes you happy..."
"what love? im fine."
"....."
"im trying to eat..."
"i know..."

1 baby carrot: 2cal 4:35p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 6:15p
1/4 hamburger: 62.5cal 8:30p
binge

_?_cal over
_?_cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 7

today i did ok. i thought i made a horrible mistake by eating the rest of my salmon meal (140) too early. he ended up wanting me to eat again later so i made a cup of stir fry (40cal) and had a cup of jello. but it wasnt so bad, i stayed under 200 while satisfying his want for me to eat =)


1/2 Logan's Roadhouse Misquite Wood-Grilled Salmon: 140cal 4:45p
1c stir fry: 40cal 11:45p
chew/spit 1 cinnamon roll: 130cal 5:10p
1 no-sugar/low-calorie jello cup: 10cal 12:05a


310cal under
190cal eaten

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 8

i had to get up early today so we could take xxx's mom to work and the dog to the groomer. i woke up, made tea and ate 2/4c kix and 1/4c fruity marshmellow minis =) it was good and i feel good today! i didnt do anything today other than that today and my calories were ok =) ive been managing to stay under 200cal for the most part =)

calories are eaten at the expense of my body, so if you think about it the more calories a food has the more expensive it is XD haha just a weird thought i came up with, wow, its weird! XD

2/4c Kix: 44cal 7:00a
1/4c fruity marshmellow minis: 25cal 7:00a
1 plum: 30cal 5:30p
1 stalk celery:6cal 8:43p
2 baby carrots: 4cal 8:43p
a drop of dressing: 5cal 8:43p
chew/spit 1 yokan: 170cal 9:00p
1/2 oatmeal packet: 65cal 12:15p
couple fruity marshmellow minis: 5cal 12:15p
drop of chocolate sauce: 3cal 12:15p (guilty pleasure)

313cal under
187cal eaten

this is the new shit

im getting better at prenending to eat. i feel bad because im lying and cheating.......but what else can i do?...its really my only choice.

xxx went to burger king before doing all the stuf we had to take care of

"want anything?"

"...umm...oh! what you had last time."

"double cheese burger?" fuck no! you wanna kill my indisdes?

"no that ummm, you had it last time..."

"ya, double cheese burger."

"nooo it was a drink thing.."

"oh! the oreo shake! ok"

"..ya..." i needed to get something but i couldnt think, i knew it was totally the wrong choice! then i spotted it, "mm mm, funnel cake sticks!"

"where?"

"right there in the middle of the left pannel."

"oh, ok."

so i got that instead. i ate 2 sticks on the way to the gas station accross the street. when we got there and he went in the store. so while he was gone i wrapped 4 of them in some napkins and put them in my purse. i LOVE that purse! life, or i should say, tummy saver! XD next we had to go meet his mom on her job and give her, her lunch. he ate his cheese burger on the way. so happened, perfect coincidence, she was at a gas station in her mail truck so while he was talking to her i put the ones in my purse in the bag along with his cheese burger wrapper. then i made sure that he saw me put the 3 that were in the box, in my mouth. but when he wasnt looking i spit them out in the bag.

"anything else you wanna throw away?" i ask with a healpful face on.

"oh, ya, here." puts reese's wrapper in the bag and i go throw it away.

later on he brought me up half a toasted peanut butter sandwich with a ton of peanut butter in it. i got worried for a minute and started freaking out, "fuck how am i gonna do this?! i CANT eat this! i cant!" but the dog was there so to avoid the smacking lips from the peanut butter i let most of it drip out and i ripped and fed her tiny pieces. he saw me with a little of the sandwich left in my hand

"can i feed it to her?"

"no. she had some downstairs." ya. right, maybe she did but like im going to believe thats the reason your so stern about it...isnt funnel cake sticks and a bag of popcorn enough for you? dam!

"oh, ok."

while i was ripping it into one bigger piece and one smaller, "can i let her lick the plate? i wanna see her sticky mouth." smile.

"ya." uhhh huh, point made.

i put the bigger piece on the plate and let her eat it and lick the rest of the peanut butter =) safe!!! aaand then i fucked it up with a 3 cracker binge! fuuuck its the first day over 200 in a while...beside the day i was forced to eat...

2 Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks: 67cal 12:45p
2c popcorn: 60cal 2:40p
2c popcorn: 60cal 7:27p
1 teenie tiny bite toasted peanut butter sandwich: 9cal 9:05p
3 Keebler Zesta crackers: 36cal 11:30p

268cal under :(
232cal eaten

no interferance in my food habits

things went alot better today! i was able to eat without being watched so i was able to sneak and half my oatmeal packet. i just used a smaller bowl and added a ton of water to make it full. i didnt let him get a chance to see it so he wouldnt notice how watery it was. and he fell asleep watching tv so i snuck downstairs, grabbed a danish and went to the bathroom to chew/spit it into the toilet.

last night he kept acting all sad and sulky and i thought it was cuz of me being stubborn about my eating. but then he started asking me if i was mad and id say no and 15min later he'd ask again.
"are you mad at me?"
"no." in a innocent voice cuz i kinda was.
"well you were.."
"how did you know i was?"
"you cant hide anything from me."
"...."

half hour later
"are you mad at me?"
"no."

later
"i love you." sounding like he's checking if i do.
"i love you."

later
"still love me?"
"of course i still love you!"

later in bed
"im not used to you being mad at me..."
"stop it already, we made eachother equally upset."
"why were you mad at me?"
"you know why and if i say it your gonna get mad next." because you fucking made me eat and made my stomach fucked up! (my fucking stomach hurt into the next day because i couldnt purge enough!)
"ok...i gess we better burry it already."
"ya."

so i dunno. maybe he'll stop it for a while as long as i can eat enough to stay out of radar. so to him, today i ate 2 meals and thats good enough.

we had to go to the store and while we were getting in the car
"want anything from mc donalds?"
"your going to mc donalds?? you?? your going to mc donalds?? wowww!" he absolutely hates mc donalds.
"ya, i gotta pick up food for J." his moms husband.
"oh..."
"imma get chicken nuggets." the only thing he'll eat from there.
"iii want ramen." trying to sound cute and innocent.
"....." he didnt react so i dont know if that was a ok or a here she goes again kinda thing.
in the drive through i debated french fries to make it look like im ok cuz im changing my mind, and i have a weakness for mc donalds french fries. but i just held my tounge, pictured the oil its submerged in and pictured it dripping when they take it out of the fryer. then i was safe and we were on our way home =) i made it through today!

1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 4:50p
3 baby carrots: 6cal 8:00p
1/2c oatmeal: 65cal 11:00p
chew/spit 1 apple danish: 190cal 3:30a

364cal under
136cal eaten

wooo! im on a fucking roll! :D

i am doing so fucking good i cant fucking believe myself! here's the turn-around, pick-me-up i needed! now lets not screw it up, fat ass! so far i havent eaten anything at all and the day is almost fucking over wooo! ive been drinking water and genmaicha (brown tea aka popcorn tea). i made it taste pretty good too! i added a tad cinnamon, a teenie peice of apple and a dash of sugar while the water was boiling. pretty good if i do say so myself. im thinking of seeing what boiling oats into it tastes like XD

when lunch came around xxx said

"im dying for burger king im so fucking hungry, im starving!" XD

"we gonna go?..."

"ya. you want something?"

"um..."

"burger king...taco bell? you still got that soup in there too."

"ummm.....i dont know....." i know, this is like a horror movie but instead of saying "he's behind the door idiot!" your reading this saying "soup! say soup!..SOUP!" XD

"i can take you to taco bell"

"...ok" and now your thinking "NOOOO!"

so i get the computer and start my calorie search.

"babe im hungry..."

i look up, "oh! sorry i thought we had to wait till your mom them get back?"

"no their taking his truck."

"oh...ok." i put the laptop down and put on my socks and shoes; ana's yelling at me the whole time, "fix it! fix it you mother fucker! dont be weak! haaa your so fucking weak!"

i realize, im not weak and i dont need/want fast food.

"actually love i change my mind. imma eat that soup."

"you sure??"

"ya!" we get in the car, "plus im not really that hungry right now, i ate a bunch a carrots after i fed the dogs." lie.

"oooh ok, good."

ana, situation avoided! thank you! i havent eaten anything yet and i think me eating soup may have been forgotten! will i? is it finally happening? am i getting away with my first fast?! i hope to hell i am!!! :D i feel so good and the stomach growling isnt phasing me...though i know if i was to fast longer than one day it would be harder. hopefully someday i can do it longer.

oh, and i got out of eating at IHop ^__^ we ended up not going haha! he wasnt hungry this morning, i was still sleeping and his mom didnt want to go, so woo! no gross, greasy calories for me!

one my most favorite singers ever! hes so sexy and i looove his voice!! i ENVY the girl in this beauty clinic commercial he does XD she's with Gackt AND shes so skinny...though...i wanna be thinner than her, she's still a step closer to thin than i am :P

and this one is awesome considering why all of us are in this blog community.in this commercial his name is Mr. Perfect and that guys job is to bring him perfect women because he is extremely picky XD its suppose to show that Takano Yuri Beauty Clinic makes the girls beautiful...hmmm then why did they show her having a flaw?? XD

excuses excuses

we went to the store earlier and i got more carrots and a different kind of soup. i really want to take my time and look at all the different things and calorie amounts and see which ones have the lowest but its really hard doing that with my boyfriend around :/ he doesnt think i need to "diet" so i wont say im "dieting" as a reason because hell say im not fat, i dont need to, im fine how i am etc. so the only thing i got going for me now is saying im into health. he grabbed a really high cal bread and changed his mind to a different one, which so happened to be low cal,
"i like this one better, ok with you?"
"yep! its healthier anyway. the other one was really bad."
"psh, since when are you into health??"
"ive always been, i just took it down a notch since ive been here cuz its not like im paying for the food."
so thats been explaining the light soups, sobe life water, vitamin water, vegetables, silk, sorbet and whatever else i ask for. i cant wait to get a job so i can stop feeling bad asking for food...aaand i still have to learn how to fucking drive! then i can go and do my own fucking shopping! ive kinda been putting it off because i wanted my first licence to be from home with our info on it, not to mention i hate taking id/permit/licence pics :P but for the sake of losing im gonna try to get it and a job. im not that bad a driver i just need to drive a little more before i go so i can get used to it again.

next to the soups is the bakery and i have absolutely no fucking idea why i said it but i kinda shouted, "COOKIES!" -__- ya...nice one alice!
evil-devil-horrid-fattening-calorie-stuffed food=1
stupid-fat-loud-mouth-wants-to-gain-more alice=0.
but i turned that situation around by pretending.
"whats this one?"
lifts the cover.
"meh. i like this one better."
takes a 70 calorie cookie that was baked in 45calorie butter and sprinkled with 10 calories.
i held it in my hand and pretended to eat it and when we got to the toilet paper, i dropped it in between the bags. im sure people saw me but do i give a fuck? hell, fuck no! my bodys at stake here! you think im gonna eat it just because people are watching me thinking, "did she just?...she did?!...why the fuck did she take it if she was gonna stuf it in the items only for it to mold and rot? what an idiot!" no! no i am not! id rather do that than watch my stomach and thighs grow an inch before my eyes! i am strong, ana's on my side, i must keep control.

ive been researching on the internet and ive been finding some awesome low cal recipes! i just have to tweak and modify here and there but hey, its not bad! i found pancakes that are 26cal each, muffins 72cal each (still kinda high for my liking), and a tuna salad 88cal, which i can split into 4 22cal servings! thats really good for me because i need to keep my cals super super low this month and next! i need to start seeing some fucking results!

its so fucking gross! i went in the bathroom this afternoon and xxx's mom put 3 rolls of toilet paper on the plunger! EW! thats disgusting! why?! something that goes in the toilet, cleaned OR uncleaned, breads bacteria from the pee/doo doo water (just cuz you cant see it dont mean its not there) while it sits there and dries! and you wipe your private parts with that?! the parts that your supposed to keep cleanest?! why dont you just stuff the fucking plunger up your pussy?! its basically the same thing. ug! i cant wait till me and him get our own place. itll be sooo much fucking easier for me to keep things clean the way i want it and to get the food i want and do what i want. i just feel uncomfortable here cuz its her house, not mine. i can only keep our room clean and the bathroom upstairs (which by the way, the toilet paper is kept under the sink in its wrapping!), because that job has been left to me...somewhat, but thank fucking hell that i get some say in it cuz its the one i use.

xxx is so sweet! i was sooo sleepy. i was falling asleep while we were watching death becomes her, you know that old-ish movie where they drink the potion and stay young forever? well anyway he carried me to the bed ^__^ awww!

f/v day success! and a romantic happy ending ^__^

i made it! i stayed strong, kept control and ate fruits and veggies today =) tonights dinner was spaghetti. he asked if wanted some and i said no. he asked why and i confidently said "cuz i dont want spaghetti. ill just make a sandwich later." and smiled. but i never made the sandwich ^__^ instead i had a few baby carrots and a stalk of celery. okay so i didnt have to eat so much, i shouldve went either/or and my cal numbers arent very different from any other day but ill get better. im still pretty proud of myself! ^__^ i didnt eat not one greasy piece of meat or one tiny nibble of sugar. wooo, im psyched for tomorrow! im feeling a little more confident because i made it through the day, so here is the current me :P i still have a loong way to go and i feel self conscious about that second one so please dont tease or judge. and i had to block out my camera on that one :P i have stickers and stuff on there that can screw me. id rather not be found by accident somehow...im happy about today! im going to stick to it! im especially happy that i can see my ribs and spine a tiny bit now! and my collar bone is much better than it was! :D i noticed while i was trying to get a good pic of me. i cant wait till my ribs and spine become more prominent! alice in thinland here i come!! =)

and to top it all off with a cherry (not whipped cream!), today had a wonderful faerie tail-ish ending to make me even happier! we had an awesome thunderstorm! the sky was so beautiful! boyfriend called me and his mom to watch at the door. we decided to go outside and watch because there was so much lightning. i took some videos and got some lightning streaks. it started to rain so his mom went in and i put the camera away so it wouldnt get wet. me and my boyfriend stood in the rain for a while just holding each other, watching and appreciating the beauty of nature. and to make it even more wonderful he gave me my first kiss in the rain while lighting flashed above us. :D oh im so happy today! i got my first rain kiss with the bonus of electric lighting up the sky, and rain washing me clean; making me a new girl who is in control of what she eats! im not going to give up this feeling! i want it forever. i always want to be in control and stay strong against food. i hope i can keep this going and ill try my fucking hardest!

1 banana: 105cal 5:10p
6 1/2 baby carrots: 13cal 10:55p
1 stalk celery: 6cal 10:55p
1tsp brie: 45cal 10:55p

831cal under
169cal eaten

another cookie update...last one until the night is over, i promise XD

what is it with these dam cookies?! we went to the pharmacy in the remke's grocery store and a lady is by the door giving out mini chocolate chip and keebler fudge cookies! xxx takes one and looks at me waiting for me to take one as well. sooo i take one (37.5cal). he eats his as we walk to the pharmacy and i just hold onto mine, mouth watering and follwing him. but while he waits i say im going to go walk around. as soon as im out of sight, i stuff it on a shelf behind the shaving stuff. HA! i feel so invincable haha its funny but its a good feeling to conquer what most people cant. im remaining in control and keeping my strength today and nothings gonna stop me. not even dinner!

cookie haunting O.o

oooh i think those dam cookies are haunting me! O.o i went downstairs to feed the dogs and when i come back up, what do i see under the chair? that shinny blue container filled with sugary royal goodness...i lift the lid and pick one up. my tummy is telling me no and my mind tells me to put it back. i think for a second, trying to switch my setting back to "think thin".......dont worry, i switched it =) i put it back, i closed the lid and kept my strength. the tin is filled with "royal" goodness, that is precisely why kings are fat.

haha ya, that king in particular just has on fake fat belly for the stage, but it still works to prove my point haha.

a much needed pep talk...teeter tottering over failure

i keep smelling things like spaghetti, pizza, cookies, pasta and its so fucking annoying! sometimes i feel like i can taste it O.o i dont understany why. theres nothing even cooking or baking. its been happening for months and i never thought anything about it but now its happening everyday and it sets off my binge brain O.O but im staying strong. i will not lose to food today. i almost binged a whole can of cookies last night.

i told xxx "i really wanna eat those cookies on the fridge downsatirs."

he said "well go ahead, why dont you?"

"cuz theyre not opened, i dunno whose they are."

a few minuets later he goes downsatirs and i was hoping that he'd bring them up as a thoughtful boyfriend thing like he usually does, but lucky me, he didnt, phew. i almost ruined my control streak...theres like 3 of them, unopened, those royal dutch or whatever ones in the blue can, uggg. i have to stay in control! stop smelling, stop thinking. i did so well yesterday and the day before i dont want to let it go now! just one day, i can do it, fruits...and veggies, fruits and veggies, fruits, veggies, fruits, veggies, fruitsveggiescookiesfruitsveggiesfruitsveggies, i can do it. i will do it! there is no failure today because i am strong and in control and i will be alice in thinland! i will look like the girls in my alice corner! i will be thin and happy! i will reach 80, i will!

ive been a good girl! :D todays a sorbet day!

YAY! i was a good girl today :D i stayed in control and didnt let anything get to me. i started my day with honeydew melon and nothing until the party. we had a party to go to at xxx's brother's house for the ufc fights. (they have ufc parties/gatherings like how people go to their friends house and watch football.) when we got there, his brother had food on a table, fruit, desserts, chips and whatnot, and he had the grill going. i just barely got out of the car and already i was bombarded with having to think about food :P his brother asked,
"what'd you want?"
"what'd you got?"
"we got cheesy dogs, hot dogs, ribs, hamburgers, cheese burgers, what?"
i thought a bunch of things in a few seconds,
uh, whats the best choice? can i say im not hungry? no, that'd be rude and antisocial-ish and i might embarrass xxx. ok, what should i choose? hot dog...no hamburger, less grease.
"um, hamburger."
"cheese? ketchup? mustard? mayo? pickles? how you wanna do this? alright, you wanna just take care, uh, get it on your own?" (he was in overdrive hype mode as you can tell.)
"ya. thats good."
"ok, how you want it? thick or thin?"
"thin."
"alright."
xxx had to cook it cuz his brother ended up having to take care of the kids. he asked if i wanted barbecue sauce and i stayed strong and said no. after i got my hamburger, we went to the food table so he could get his ketchup and stuf and i needed a knife. i cut it into 4. he was surprised that i didnt want anything on it, now that i think of it mustard is calorie free, i should have put some for taste, but it tasted fine plain. i grabbed 2 doritos :P and told myself bad! bad! bad! hehe...but i still ate it :P i only finished a fourth of the hamburger and the 2 doritos, that was enough to fill me so i didnt need or want anything else.
we hung out the rest of the time. it was kinda boring but not horrible. i felt so self conscious when we first got there cuz i hate meeting and being around so many new people. i sometimes get that panicky feeling like i want to run away and hide, im such a dork :P watched the ufc fights about 45min after we ate. i dont really care much for watching ufc. there were so many spiders! twice one almost crawled on my foot while we were watching! O.o
a storm started coming in and xxx had to go help someone get their car tire out of a muddy hole so they could leave. i waited in the garage where all the food was. i know, it was a bad move to be left alone with food but i wanted to test myself and i passed! :D yay! now lets keep this control and not let it go!
there were so many people, kids, smells, bugs, and spiders. as soon as we got home i took a shower! i felt so gross i needed to get to stench of smoke and food and hot dogs and hamburgers, and the dirtiness from the kids, the carpet, the people, the chairs and the gross crawling feeling of bugs and spiders off me! i feel so much better now! except that my throat is sooo swollen! it hurts bad! im glad i kept control today cuz theres no way i could purge and i need that sorbet!

1c honeydew melon: 60cal 4:00p
1/4 plain hamburger: 71cal 8:30p
2 Doritos: 25cal 8:30p
1/4c orange sorbet: 30cal 3:20a

814cal under
186cal eaten