"everythings...so...fragile." - emily fitch

Hopingformore said something, regarding recovery, on my last blog that didnt think of: "It is your happiness and health that is at stake. Try to for your self, but if you can't then think of your boyfriend and do it for him."

.....for yourself, but if you cant, think of boyfriend and do it for him.....

when i read that i had a bit of thinking to do. it made me realize that they say the key to recovery is doing it for yourself, i lack that. i cant do this for myself because quite frankly, i really dont want it. so i am doing it for him, because i dont want to know life without him and if i continue to listen to ana, it will end in me being alone and unhappy, heartbroken. whether i am thin or not i wont be happy if i dont have him. i know it sounds very dramatic of me but life without him just wouldnt exist for me.

dont worry, im not going to do anything, but have you ever thought seriously about ending your life? i thought of pills as a final get back to my drug addict father; what better way to get back at him than to overdose his favorite child on one of the many things he gets high off of?

before i moved here i had also thought of drowning myself in the ocean; going to one of the many sea cliffs we have at home and jumping off into the water. its so rough out there and there isnt much time before the undertow would pull you in or the waves would smash you into the rocks, in which case you cant really say you drowned yourself hehe. i think if they wanted to save me they would have a maximum of 5min to do so, but id go to a deserted beach. we have many.

and lastly i have thought many many many times about just not eating. never eating until i disappear and turn into nothing. especially when my mom and dad used to fight. i have thought about cutting my writs open but that would give me an emo label. i wouldnt care except that im not emo, just an unhappy anorexic.

i LOVE emily!! (from a tv series called skins, i cant wait for the movie in 2011!!!) i think emily and cassie are tied!
in the second episode of season 4 emily says, "i could be dead in a second. Everythings...so...fragile. Didnt you realize that?" and thats true, everything is fragile, life is fragile. sometimes i wonder if my parents understood that fact when they had me. i mean, they didnt have much, my dad was never around, my mom always crying and waiting for him to come home, they always fought and screamed, yelled and threw things at each other. and he was always hitting her and blaming her and his father for why he drinks and does drugs, and thats all even before i was born. im not blaming them wholly for why i am the way i am, but im sure somewhere in my mind all that had to have caused some re-wiring to happen in there. woops, i did forget, i was an accident after all XD i was debated over to be murdered or not O.o

once again i am facing having to leave boyfriend but i think it will probably blow over. i went downstairs to do something with the dogs i dont remember now, it was such chaos! his mom was coming out of the bathroom from having fed her and boyfriends brothers puppy .midget eats in the bathroom otherwise she gets into the big dogs food and eats until her litto tummy balloons so big your afraid to pick her up for she might burst!
"did you feed her?"
"huh? oh ya! i fed both of them." i smile, unaware im about to get blasted.
"ooh fuck!" she goes back in and grabs the bowl and goes back to rhe kitchen.
as she walks she says "i have to talk to you."
"oh, ok."
then she talks quite loud "ive had it with your boyfriend!"
i just stand there with wide eyes and well im sure i had a shocked look. i was completely in need of info.
she yells now "i will not put up with anyone abusing my dog!"
i am utterly at a loss for words and just stand there.
"who did it?!"
".......huh...umm...did. what?"
"dont you pretend...who put my dog down in the basement?!"
i had forgotten boyfriend put the puppy in there. but she wasnt down in the basement, just by the door in her litto kennel. she was barking and crying so much because no one was down there and she doesnt like being in her kennel while boyfriends mom is at work. we needed to sleep so he moved the kennel from in front of the basement door, to behind it. i had forgotten.
"oh that-" she cuts me off.
"ya! that! uhh huh! who did it?!" she's all in my face and yelling and im standing there just...not having words.
then i hear boyfriend at the top of the steps, "i did it!"
she walks over to him and i kinda run away into the dining room to try not to hear because that sort of arguing just gives flashbacks of when i was younger. it terrifies me, i admit i almost cried when she yelled at me. they continue to argue and yell and bring other things into as in most arguments people have. then i hear "kiki...is gone!" that perks my ears to pay attention because thats me! she calls me kiki cuz she couldnt remember kiyomi and kii was too short i gess i dunno. i think "what?! gone??! gone where?!" so i walk back to the kitchen thinking maybe she wanted me to stay there and she was upset that i left.
"i warned you [xxx]!! kiki is gone!! back to hawaii!!"
i stand there listen because i am completely confused at how the topic has switched to me having to go back home! they argue more and then boyfriend goes back upstairs. i couldnt follow because she was between me and him.
she turns around "kiki...im sorry! i told him! i told him 3 weeks ago! if this shit didnt stop, your gone! i told him and he didnt fix it so your going home! im sorry...for you, im sorry! but you have to go!!"
i dont know what it is boyfriend was supposed to "fix" or what "shit" she was referring to that needed to stop, but i think in a week or so it will be ok.

i apologize for yet another depressing read my bleuets. its been a litto difficult up there in my mind. i will give you better material tomorrow...hopefully XD

meal- 1 slice toast, ½ banana: 112.5cal 3:45p
meal- ramen, 1 nikuman: 500cal 11:45p
snack-1 Special K strawberry bar: 90cal 2:30a

702.5cal total yay! better than my new norm! but thats thanks the awkward feeling of going downstairs where she is...