I fear I am who I fought not to be

Two.
Mother and father.
Pulling at me from both sides,
Tearing me in half.
Fighting myself to be good;
Not to be one,
Not to be the other.
Have tried so hard, to find,
I am both.
I am lost.
I am confused.
Fighting to see what needs to be.
I want to stay in the darkness.
It is horrible,
But it is what I know,
It is safe.
Put me out of my misery.

what is real?

I feel so angry! I want to hurt someone! Mainly myself for being such a loser! I feel like going to a secret place in the woods, tearing off all my clothes, cutting my arms until the blood streams down my entire body then screaming the loudest I've ever screamed in my life!!!

"WE ALL SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS! I'VE SEARCHED SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO WANT IT! I GET SO CLOSE AND IT GETS PULLED AWAY! I'M THROUGH SEARCHING! SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS IS LIKE TRYING TO TOUCH A FUCKING RAINBOW!!! I GIVE UP!!!"

Ya, it's a tantrum type thing, so shoot me! (take that literally if you want), but I've really had it. I've tried and tried and pushed through everything without ever giving up, I think I'm entitled to want to give up a'least once in my life!

I love you too Peri <3

let me sleep

What have I done wrong? What am I not doing enough of? What is wrong with me that I cannot ever get things right? I have made so many mistakes and stupid idiotic things in such short a time. I thought I was changing my person. I thought I was finally turning into good person. I thought I felt a snidge of pride in myself but it has been stomped out. I do not care for people (beside a couple). I do not care for life. Most of all I do not care for me. I do not care to take care of myself, to shower, to cut my nails, to change my socks, to change my clothes, to drink, to eat...but I guess will do that or else I am pointed fingers at to be told I am still anorexic and in denial...but really, this time, if I miss a meal, it is not for Ana's sake of being thinner, or my sake, or anyone's sake...it is just b'coz I do not care anymore.

Dear someone,
I am not strong enough. I have made my bed literally, I will lie in it literally, now please...do for me what is supposed to come next.


If anyone happens to worry, don't. I am just deep in depression right now. I would never've admitted it except that I am so deep in it that I don't care who around me knows I am depressed. I have never been this deep in it before. It doesn't shame me b'coz no-one really matters to me except for a few.
I will come back from this, I always do. I suppose I am stronger than I give myself credit for b'coz I always pull through. I am just waiting for my drive to come back so that can happen. No more grey posts for me. Bye for now.

まけました

Dear God, Dear someone, Dear anyone,

I do not know how to do this. I want peace. I want to be numb again. Give me back my indifference. I am feeling too much too fast. I never learned how to feel. I only found feeling when I turned 20. I am only 22. That is not enough time to learn feelings. Now that I can feel, I don't want to feel. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again...Please. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again.

I want to sleep forever. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. Let me sleep forever. I want to do it myself, but I haven't the guts to do it. I feel too much. Please make me numb again. If I was numb again I could do it myself, but I feel too much. I feel fear when I think of doing it myself; fear and guilt. Please let me sleep forever. Do it for me. I cannot do it myself. Make me slip on a step. Make me trip on the sidewalk as a car drives by. Make my heart stop. Make me lose my footing in the shower. Make me fall while holding a knife. I cannot do it myself. Please do it for me.

What did I do?!!! Why is all this feeling rushing into me now?! What did I do?! Did I forget to step out of a doorway with my left foot? Did I enter with my right and not fix it to my left? Did I forget to straighten my water bottle? Is it b'coz I've stopped avoiding separations in the concrete? Did I miss an even number I should have changed to an odd? Is it b'coz I haven't been counting my actions in odds? Did I forget to shake the water off my hands 7 times? Is it b'coz I've been eating fast-food? Is it b'coz I had a Dr. Pepper and a Coke? Is it b'coz I haven't been fixing my yoghurt to order? Is it b'coz I haven't been keeping my routine? Is it b'coz I have stopped counting my fingers in consecutive fives? What did I do?!

Please make it all stop. Freeze everything. Freeze it all. I lack the dirve for life. I've kept people away b'coz I know they only cause heartache. I let my guard down and thought maybe, maybe some people are okay to open up to. It always hurts in the end. I do not want to open up to people anymore. I have lost all want to be among people. I used to want friends. I used to hope that someone out there will like me enough to be my friend but now I don't care. Now I want no-one. I only want someone who loves me. Just that person. Just let me be alone...but please, I don't want to be alone! Being alone makes me so scared...but let me be alone...but I am so afraid of being alone...I feel like a scared litto girl-child confused in the dark. I lack the drive to do anything but sit in the closet, lay in bed and sleep or watch television on the couch. I am a big empty pit of nothing but a deep longing for love and numbness. Please make me numb.

I want everything. I don't want anything. I want to stop feeling anything. I want to be the me I was as a girl. The me who was indifferent to any tragedy and couldn't stand when her mother cried b'coz she couldn't understand how people could be so weak. The me who was strong and never cried for anything. The me who was the strength for my family. The me who kept my family running, who kept us going, who kept us together b'coz no one else was capable. Let me be that girl again. Let me be the girl who was cold to life. The girl who only smiled b'coz it was what she had to do. The girl who smiled b'coz she knew it hid what she wasn't feeling.

Give me reason and drive to live...
or let me sleep in calm peace.

I am feeling dark now, but I will come back. I always do...forgive me for being so grey, but let me express the grey rain-clouds for a post to make room for the blue skies...

New me

Remember how I said if anything tragic were to happen or I found myself in a situation where I did not feel responsible for a loved one's emotions, that I would run backward as fast as I could?...Well...I think I have finally made peace with myself. I wont say it is completely gone "Praise the Lord I'm healed!" xD or that I miss my old self, everyone misses parts of their past especially when it was an addiction; but I think I am okay now. I am liking myself now and have come to terms with it all. I may have occational slip-ups but I do not think I will be going back.

my tumblr

Hullo girls, goodness how I miss you all! I've made a tumblr! ^__^ I decided to give it a try. If you have one I'd love if you followed me, and I you, so we can keep in touch! I am sorry that I'm not able to blog as often as I used to...I just found that I've nothing to say anymore since I began keeping things in again. I do not know if that is good or bad...its as if I lack the ability to feel. I am happy in the shallowest sense of the word for I have never truly known what happiness is. I suppose the correct word would hover around words such as: content, passable, okay, decent, sufficient, unobjectionable, moderate, and the like. Tell me in comments or on my tumblr or Facebook even, are you well? Are you happy? Are you sad? I hope I have provided some help to you all in my being here as you all have helped me in my struggles. I cannot say that I am fully "recovered", if that word even exists for us; for I know that if anything tragic, or what I consider to be tragic, were ever to happen, or if I found myself in a world where I am alone and did not feel responsible for any one's feelings, as wrong of me as it may be, I would run backwards as fast as I could and not stop until my body turned to dust; a casual little cyclone blowing happily in the cool wind, leaving behind only the delicate frame of a girl who never knew happiness but died to grasp it at the very end.

The problem is that I do not want any imperfections. Any fold, crease, jiggle is an imperfection in my eyes. No one can fix my kaleidoscopic vision unless they have a time machine to sail back through time and raise that little girl in a way that would save her eyes from deformation. Though I highly doubt it was in the way I was raised or grew up...and it is definitely not because I dislike growing up or the fact that media is influential. I really despise the fool that came up with that one! You cannot tell me that the media has broken my mind or that remaining a child would have stopped this for I was a child when it began. Ha, I'd be more likely to have a full recover if a such thing existed as DNA tampering! I need some futuristic devise to pluck out the part of my brain that sends the signal to my eyes that exaggerates every ounce of my image.

Haha! I am sorry, I've done it again! Anyhow my little blueberries, have a lovely day for me if you can! I love all of you dearly!

tumblr: link expired

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1460550616

I shall share my precious secrets with my litto teacups ♥ ^__^

I know I've been away quite a bit; and to make up for it, I shall share with you my secret to soft, smooth, flawless skin =) I hope it works for your skin type as well as it does mine!

This is a facial recipe I have been using for a while now (Approximately 4.5 weeks). Within the first week my face was clearing up and began looking as it did in my preteen years (Before those first horrid pubescent breakouts we all despised so. Sadly, mine never ceased...). However, when I skipped a day, it went back to its old self and took a day or two to clear up once again. I dont use any facial scrub, or facial soap products, or toner anymore. The only product I currently use is a spot of moisturizer twice a day after each use of the scrub: when I wake each morning and once more at night after I bathe. At that statement one would think, "Well, dear, its just the lack of chemical product that caused your skin to clear." But, I have tried that tactic times before; it causes a worse breakout when I use nothing at all. Personally, I think it is purely the natural factors, nutrients and vitamins that my skin needs.

Recipe Ingredients-Scrub:

50ml sugar - (~.25cups)

~white sugar for oily skin or skin in need of exfoliation~

~brown sugar for sensitive skin~

5ml room temp to cold matcha/green tea (1tsp)

Choose one:

~5ml honey-moisturizing effects (1tsp)

~5ml plain yogurt-skin soothing effects (1tsp)

~5ml lemon juice-cleansing and tightening effects (1tsp)

--------------------------------------------

Recipe Ingredients-Toner:

~15ml room temp matcha/green tea (~1tbsp)

~5ml lemon juice- tightening effects (1tsp, optional)

What I did was: I brewed my tea, let it steep in a teacup (or pot of course). After it is nice and strong, I pored just a tad into a tiny bowl, to which I then added lemon. It is better to mix the toner while it remains warm-hot. I poured ~10ml (little over .5oz) mixture into a small salt/pepper shaker that I found at the　マーケット。 ^^ It's cute, it opens and closes with a litto button! =] Just perfect for tipping onto a facial cotton round! I waited until the tea cooled almost completely to continue on to the scrub. It shouldn't be too warm or it'll melt the sugar and you don't want that. After it cooled, I scooped the sugar into a small bowl and drizzled matcha overtop. Mixed it a bit after drizzling the tea. I chose honey, rather than lemon (because of my sensitive skin and I did not have yogurt), which I then added and mixed thoroughly. You want it to have a wet grainy consistency to it, but not too wet or it wont cooperate when you apply it, it will just slide off your face and fingertips before you have a chance to scrub. I suggest following the recipe for the first time, to get the gist of the consistency and feeling, then adjusting it to your liking. I keep my scrub in a mini jam jar which I was pleased to find a tiny spoon to fit nicely inside ^__^

When you wake, splash some warm water on your face to open up your pores. Use the sugar scrub and rub your face kindly in a circular motion with the tips of your fingers while avoiding your eye area. You can use it to exfoliate your lips every now and then but I strongly suggest being very gentle! After you scrub, use warm water to rinse it off. The warm water will melt the sugar and re-open your pores helping to absorb the nutrients sugar, matcha and honey have to offer. If you would like, splash some cool water on your face after rinsing to help close your pores a little. Pat your face dry. Take your cotton round and tip your lemon tea toner onto it about 2~3 times. Gently rub it on your face. It is alright to use this on your eye area but be careful not to get it in your eyes, lemon has no place in your eyes! xD To finish off, spread a spot of moisturizer onto your hands and pat it on, cupping your cheeks in your hands and moving them up and down and on your forehead, chin and nose; dont forget your neck! (Depending on your skin type, you may need more moisturizer than that.) I use a moisturizer equip with sun protection =)

To keep my face oil-free throughout the day (I have a problem with oily skin), I use the toner whenever I feel my face becoming oily. ~3x a day.

Thats it! Fresh morning glow! =]

On to the photos! xD

The comments about the photos will be under the photo they describe =)

I know it gets confusing at times not knowing whether to read above or below.

Im almost out of my toner in these photos. I use these soft facial cotton rounds to apply the toner, as you see on the right.

See the litto holes? ^^ Pores quite well! Just like a toner bottle but better!

I have sensitive skin but also very oily skin, so I opted for white sugar as you can see. The brown sugar scrub will appear more mapley than yellow as this one does (White sugar = grainy rough sand, brown sugar = fine smooth sand). I just am sure not to scrub for too long or too hard lest I get red spots because of my skin-type O.o However, if you use this and your face becomes a little red post-scrub, don't worry, it will go away in a minute or so =] I may try swapping 30ml of white sugar for brown sugar in the future, to simulate the two sizes of scrubbing beads you see in facial scrubs and shower gels. I tried using just brown sugar once but it did less for my oily skin.

See how all the honey has separated and lies atop the sugar? The first time I made this I dumped that out, but then I realized I'm taking out the best part! So now I mix up the top half of the scrub before I use it. I don't go into and heavy mixing since I only need about 5-10ml anyway ^^

There! All mixed! See how it is fully yellow now?

Like the inside of a sweet sugary honey hive ^__^

The amount in this jar (~55ml/~.25cups) lasts about 2.5 weeks, not bad. As I mentioned earlier, the only chemical product I currently use is moisturizer. I say "currently" because I plan to start a Shu Uemura or Shiseido night routine in the future. I think it is time I begin caring for my skin properly so as to age well =) just because there are no age lines or wrinkles yet doesn't mean to wait until you receive your first line right? ^^ I've been thinking, I could get them on ebay ^^ They are quite expensive and I figure as long as they are unopened it should be just fine! Otherwise Id have to be awfully rich! xD

i apologize for the neglect

ive been away for so long and i do apologize girls. i feel so bad that i have neglected you all, i miss you all so much! i miss reading about your day and giving you comments of encouragement...but alas...i have no drive anymore. i feel as if ive nothing to say; i am so sorry. this place has just become so sad for me. when i open this tab and begin to type, all i want to do is yammer and whine about how its not fair and because i want to do that i end up reminiscing about the past and then i get sad and miss it and that puts my thinking in a bad spot; shifts my mind into relapse mode which is hell to switch off let me tell you!

some days i feel alright and can accept my body for what it is, some days i cant stand this "thing" im in, this sack of fleshy jello i call my body, and there are others still where i am in between, neither accepting nor bashing it.

i happened to have a chance for a weigh-in --or rather a forced weigh-in-- while checking on a house to be sure all was well while the owner has been away. despite sort of being forced and despite having my weight so clearly and embarrassingly seen, i cant say it was too horrible because i really did want to know. i debated sneaking to check while i couldnt be seen, but the scale was noticed whether i wanted it to be or not. and of course, everyone is so eager to unneededly know what i weigh and ask how well i eat rather than take notice by them self that i look healthy and that i eat 5-6x a day (almost all the time). i just dont understand what the numbers matter if i look healthy; numbers are just numbers as skin colour is just skin colour. im glad i stood up for myself after being told my weight was bad, even though it was a very meek way to do so. i replied "oh really?...i was 95 when i got here..." implying that no one had a problem with my weight appearance then, which is true. let alone the fact that we had a scale at home and i was on that confounded contraption everyday, weighing-in an obscene amount of times daily so i know for certain i was 95 upon arrival and that i was what they call healthy; my doctor had required me to lose to 95 when i was overweight. anyhow, i am currently 95.8lbs (43.5kg ; trying to get used to metric for japanese). i wasnt bothered by it at the time because i was too busy being embarrassed that it was point 8 and being embarrassed that i was being told that my weight is bad. but digging below the embarrassment, i was actually very pleased at the time and super relieved that it wasnt up into the hundreds like i had envisioned! --if there was someone who would be wishing for my relapse, that wouldve been the way to do it!-- but after a while of letting 95.8 sink in, i felt so sarcastic: " sooo im 95.8 woopiedooo...oooh my goshhh the worlds gonna end im sooo thin." i mean c'mon, its 95.8. its just 95.8 -__- the question should be "why isnt it 95? whats wrong with me? why is there a point 8? i was 95 before all of this idocy for goodness sake! where have i gone wrong?" ...but i know why it is point 8. its point 8 because all that eating ive been doing is 50% sweets; not exactly the kind of food im supposed to be eating more of. my goodness! what am i trying to have diabetes?

"They all think I have changed---but it is my scar that has prejudiced their minds and allowed their fears to infect their imagination...they see what they want to see" or rather what their imagination has led them to envision. --from a book i read i cannot remember the title, but it wasnt an eating disorder book i know that. just a little quip i thought fit the topic of todays post.

well, ive been doing okay eating wise...beside all those horrid junks that this country indulges on with little thought to health. but when i notice that my eating is becoming impulsive again, i just remind myself of what i had learnt on my trip last year:
1) stop immediately when i feel sensations of being full
2) ignore what is left on my plate, it will not be the last time i taste it. if it must be thrown away, it must. if not, i could always save it for later
3) if it is too tempting to clean my plate, push it away

and some very good ones ive added of my own:
4) eat as soon as possible after waking in the morning
5) do not eat unless i feel hungry/do not eat out of boredom/do not eat unnessesarily
6) drink tea or water whenever possible rather than other drinks. tea and water is very good to flush the body and keep the body hydrated
7) if i want soda, try to make it diet 0cal sodas. it is much healthier for the body

ive been eating alot of oatmeal, and alot of chazuke. ochazuke is a very healthy meal (if made correctly). it consists of tea, rice and toppings/seasonings:
a) a small bowl of calrose rice submerged in:
b)tea:
hot matcha aka-green tea
genmaicha aka-brown tea
or just hot water sprinkled with your choice of:
c)toppings or seasonings:
furikake (litto rice seasonings)
nametake (slimy mushrooms)
salmon or other fish flakes
ajitsuke nori (flavored seaweed strips)
ume (pickled plums)
chirimenjako (dried anchovies)
tobiko (flyfish eggs or flying fish roe)
ikura (salmon eggs or salmon roe)
a packet of ready-made ochazuke seasonings
etc...there is a large array of choices probably even i dont know. but this is a filling and healthy dish option for any meal! =) personally i could eat it every single day for every single meal! ^__^

saddening feelings of a far away girl

i have not been well....or...well technically i have...but...you know, i cannot say. i dont even know if i am or am not. i cannot feel...or i can feel but, just not the way...just not the right...fuck it, i dont know! is that good or is that bad, not to feel? i mean i DO feel feelings but its not...ug i cant even speak anymore! fuck sake i dont know what i feel.

...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?

oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.





EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!

happy new years ^.^ (extra belated!)

"hey girls, 明けましておめでとう！ (happy new years!) for new years this year me and boyfriend stayed in, played some need for speed and just enjoyed each others company. i try in vain to beat his score -__- we were invited to a party but did not attend for there was going to be drunken, high people there which would not have been very good for me. to be around that sort just puts me into fear and hatred. i feel bad at times for my...issues, as it prevents him from doing things he would otherwise be doing had i not existed. i often feel like the detention teacher shoving change down his throat...hehe or more, that is what i want to do ^^' sometimes i consider changing myself to better fit him and have tried to convince myself to do so but who am i fooling? doing it would probably give me the brain fever. (yes, i read too much ^^ but maybe it is good for me as well) the more we are together the more i notice how very different we are. it has its positives and its negatives. i suppose it is in the upbringing and culture, it is light and dark. things which my family does is not understood in this family and things this family does will not/is not understood with mine. haha it would be a bit funny to see mine and his family under the same roof for a couple hours...ok so, maybe that wouldnt create any laughter at all, it may be quite...horrible actually O.o both sides would argue determinedly to make their side understood. well that is one thing in common i gess ^^ bit scary.

i was asked what my resolutions are and they are:

be as healthy as possible

better my self

succeed at uni!!! (that is a huge one for me!)

attain a job (there must be a way to get employed this year, there must! if i do not have one by next year something is wrong)"

that is what i had written on new years but failed to post :P

every so often, i feel horrible to admit: i consider using that toilet for something, other than pee and poo, which we are all too familiar with. i also consider not eating but that is alot harder to do around people than to simply, quietly regurgitate. i am lucky that it has yet to form into an action; save once where i kneeled down with my hand to my mouth but got right back up. that was some time ago though. the things i used to do are always in my mind. i always involuntarily consider them but never go through with it. not to say it would be good that i did, but at times i wonder, why dont i? if i cant be discovered, why not? i think perhaps it is my morals, relentless reoccurring guilt after i have done wrong and a huge reason is my love and loyalty to boyfriend holds a greater pull.

i wonder where i have gone to. when you begin the process of recovery, where does that person go to? does she slowly just, disappear? do i just progressively lose that part of me? though i know there will constantly be that possibility of relapse for the rest of my life. look at those women in their 50s, their 60s, and 70s who are anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS...so i gess she never really will leave me and there is no such thing as a full and complete recovery. (though i already knew that haha!) she was such a big part of me for so long, since i was a child, that for quite a while i felt i had lost myself, my identity so to speak. who i was. i feel that way every now and then but it isnt so strong and saddening as it was. i had to re-examine myself and find who i was, my meaning. that is where my passion for photography and art really became a passion.

i read something somewhere --forgive me i cannot remember where-- it said something to this effect: asking a person with an eating disorder "why do you think you are fat when you are not?" or "how thin is thin enough for you?" is like asking a sleeping person "are you asleep?" it is a pointless question for it cannot possibly be answered straightly. there are times we know we are not really fat, but what we see says otherwise. therefore we know, but do not know that we are fat or thin. so in a sense, we are neither/nor. as for the question "how thin is thin enough?" it is another unanswerable question. "thin enough" suggests that there is a magic number that, once reached, will make us "better" or "happier" but there is none. once that number is reached there is always a new one set and the routine begins anew. it is just a feeling of inadequacy and self-hatred that we flee from; or rather, work to be rid of. and for many of us, we work at it so hard and for so long that it essentially becomes our normal that thinking about being "normal" is foreign. we dont even think about it anymore.

i dont know, just some thoughts i had and things i wanted to say and readings i wanted to share ^^' but things have been pretty good. im still in recov and trying to better myself...failing horribly at exercise though :P