Sunday, September 4, 2011
I fear I am who I fought not to be
Mother and father.
Pulling at me from both sides,
Tearing me in half.
Fighting myself to be good;
Not to be one,
Not to be the other.
Have tried so hard, to find,
I am both.
I am lost.
I am confused.
Fighting to see what needs to be.
I want to stay in the darkness.
It is horrible,
But it is what I know,
It is safe.
Put me out of my misery.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
what is real?
Ya, it's a tantrum type thing, so shoot me! (take that literally if you want), but I've really had it. I've tried and tried and pushed through everything without ever giving up, I think I'm entitled to want to give up a'least once in my life!
I love you too Peri <3
Monday, August 22, 2011
let me sleep
Dear someone,
I am not strong enough. I have made my bed literally, I will lie in it literally, now please...do for me what is supposed to come next.
If anyone happens to worry, don't. I am just deep in depression right now. I would never've admitted it except that I am so deep in it that I don't care who around me knows I am depressed. I have never been this deep in it before. It doesn't shame me b'coz no-one really matters to me except for a few.
I will come back from this, I always do. I suppose I am stronger than I give myself credit for b'coz I always pull through. I am just waiting for my drive to come back so that can happen. No more grey posts for me. Bye for now.
まけました
I do not know how to do this. I want peace. I want to be numb again. Give me back my indifference. I am feeling too much too fast. I never learned how to feel. I only found feeling when I turned 20. I am only 22. That is not enough time to learn feelings. Now that I can feel, I don't want to feel. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again...Please. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again. I want to be numb again.
I want to sleep forever. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. Let me sleep forever. I want to do it myself, but I haven't the guts to do it. I feel too much. Please make me numb again. If I was numb again I could do it myself, but I feel too much. I feel fear when I think of doing it myself; fear and guilt. Please let me sleep forever. Do it for me. I cannot do it myself. Make me slip on a step. Make me trip on the sidewalk as a car drives by. Make my heart stop. Make me lose my footing in the shower. Make me fall while holding a knife. I cannot do it myself. Please do it for me.
What did I do?!!! Why is all this feeling rushing into me now?! What did I do?! Did I forget to step out of a doorway with my left foot? Did I enter with my right and not fix it to my left? Did I forget to straighten my water bottle? Is it b'coz I've stopped avoiding separations in the concrete? Did I miss an even number I should have changed to an odd? Is it b'coz I haven't been counting my actions in odds? Did I forget to shake the water off my hands 7 times? Is it b'coz I've been eating fast-food? Is it b'coz I had a Dr. Pepper and a Coke? Is it b'coz I haven't been fixing my yoghurt to order? Is it b'coz I haven't been keeping my routine? Is it b'coz I have stopped counting my fingers in consecutive fives? What did I do?!
Please make it all stop. Freeze everything. Freeze it all. I lack the dirve for life. I've kept people away b'coz I know they only cause heartache. I let my guard down and thought maybe, maybe some people are okay to open up to. It always hurts in the end. I do not want to open up to people anymore. I have lost all want to be among people. I used to want friends. I used to hope that someone out there will like me enough to be my friend but now I don't care. Now I want no-one. I only want someone who loves me. Just that person. Just let me be alone...but please, I don't want to be alone! Being alone makes me so scared...but let me be alone...but I am so afraid of being alone...I feel like a scared litto girl-child confused in the dark. I lack the drive to do anything but sit in the closet, lay in bed and sleep or watch television on the couch. I am a big empty pit of nothing but a deep longing for love and numbness. Please make me numb.
I want everything. I don't want anything. I want to stop feeling anything. I want to be the me I was as a girl. The me who was indifferent to any tragedy and couldn't stand when her mother cried b'coz she couldn't understand how people could be so weak. The me who was strong and never cried for anything. The me who was the strength for my family. The me who kept my family running, who kept us going, who kept us together b'coz no one else was capable. Let me be that girl again. Let me be the girl who was cold to life. The girl who only smiled b'coz it was what she had to do. The girl who smiled b'coz she knew it hid what she wasn't feeling.
Give me reason and drive to live...
or let me sleep in calm peace.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
New me
Friday, April 15, 2011
my tumblr
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I shall share my precious secrets with my litto teacups ♥ ^__^
Im almost out of my toner in these photos. I use these soft facial cotton rounds to apply the toner, as you see on the right.
See the litto holes? ^^ Pores quite well! Just like a toner bottle but better!
I have sensitive skin but also very oily skin, so I opted for white sugar as you can see. The brown sugar scrub will appear more mapley than yellow as this one does (White sugar = grainy rough sand, brown sugar = fine smooth sand). I just am sure not to scrub for too long or too hard lest I get red spots because of my skin-type O.o However, if you use this and your face becomes a little red post-scrub, don't worry, it will go away in a minute or so =] I may try swapping 30ml of white sugar for brown sugar in the future, to simulate the two sizes of scrubbing beads you see in facial scrubs and shower gels. I tried using just brown sugar once but it did less for my oily skin.
See how all the honey has separated and lies atop the sugar? The first time I made this I dumped that out, but then I realized I'm taking out the best part! So now I mix up the top half of the scrub before I use it. I don't go into and heavy mixing since I only need about 5-10ml anyway ^^
There! All mixed! See how it is fully yellow now?
Like the inside of a sweet sugary honey hive ^__^
The amount in this jar (~55ml/~.25cups) lasts about 2.5 weeks, not bad. As I mentioned earlier, the only chemical product I currently use is moisturizer. I say "currently" because I plan to start a Shu Uemura or Shiseido night routine in the future. I think it is time I begin caring for my skin properly so as to age well =) just because there are no age lines or wrinkles yet doesn't mean to wait until you receive your first line right? ^^ I've been thinking, I could get them on ebay ^^ They are quite expensive and I figure as long as they are unopened it should be just fine! Otherwise Id have to be awfully rich! xD
Friday, March 11, 2011
i apologize for the neglect
some days i feel alright and can accept my body for what it is, some days i cant stand this "thing" im in, this sack of fleshy jello i call my body, and there are others still where i am in between, neither accepting nor bashing it.
i happened to have a chance for a weigh-in --or rather a forced weigh-in-- while checking on a house to be sure all was well while the owner has been away. despite sort of being forced and despite having my weight so clearly and embarrassingly seen, i cant say it was too horrible because i really did want to know. i debated sneaking to check while i couldnt be seen, but the scale was noticed whether i wanted it to be or not. and of course, everyone is so eager to unneededly know what i weigh and ask how well i eat rather than take notice by them self that i look healthy and that i eat 5-6x a day (almost all the time). i just dont understand what the numbers matter if i look healthy; numbers are just numbers as skin colour is just skin colour. im glad i stood up for myself after being told my weight was bad, even though it was a very meek way to do so. i replied "oh really?...i was 95 when i got here..." implying that no one had a problem with my weight appearance then, which is true. let alone the fact that we had a scale at home and i was on that confounded contraption everyday, weighing-in an obscene amount of times daily so i know for certain i was 95 upon arrival and that i was what they call healthy; my doctor had required me to lose to 95 when i was overweight. anyhow, i am currently 95.8lbs (43.5kg ; trying to get used to metric for japanese). i wasnt bothered by it at the time because i was too busy being embarrassed that it was point 8 and being embarrassed that i was being told that my weight is bad. but digging below the embarrassment, i was actually very pleased at the time and super relieved that it wasnt up into the hundreds like i had envisioned! --if there was someone who would be wishing for my relapse, that wouldve been the way to do it!-- but after a while of letting 95.8 sink in, i felt so sarcastic: " sooo im 95.8 woopiedooo...oooh my goshhh the worlds gonna end im sooo thin." i mean c'mon, its 95.8. its just 95.8 -__- the question should be "why isnt it 95? whats wrong with me? why is there a point 8? i was 95 before all of this idocy for goodness sake! where have i gone wrong?" ...but i know why it is point 8. its point 8 because all that eating ive been doing is 50% sweets; not exactly the kind of food im supposed to be eating more of. my goodness! what am i trying to have diabetes?
"They all think I have changed---but it is my scar that has prejudiced their minds and allowed their fears to infect their imagination...they see what they want to see" or rather what their imagination has led them to envision. --from a book i read i cannot remember the title, but it wasnt an eating disorder book i know that. just a little quip i thought fit the topic of todays post.
well, ive been doing okay eating wise...beside all those horrid junks that this country indulges on with little thought to health. but when i notice that my eating is becoming impulsive again, i just remind myself of what i had learnt on my trip last year:
1) stop immediately when i feel sensations of being full
2) ignore what is left on my plate, it will not be the last time i taste it. if it must be thrown away, it must. if not, i could always save it for later
3) if it is too tempting to clean my plate, push it away
and some very good ones ive added of my own:
4) eat as soon as possible after waking in the morning
5) do not eat unless i feel hungry/do not eat out of boredom/do not eat unnessesarily
6) drink tea or water whenever possible rather than other drinks. tea and water is very good to flush the body and keep the body hydrated
7) if i want soda, try to make it diet 0cal sodas. it is much healthier for the body
ive been eating alot of oatmeal, and alot of chazuke. ochazuke is a very healthy meal (if made correctly). it consists of tea, rice and toppings/seasonings:
a) a small bowl of calrose rice submerged in:
b)tea:
hot matcha aka-green tea
genmaicha aka-brown tea
or just hot water sprinkled with your choice of:
c)toppings or seasonings:
furikake (litto rice seasonings)
nametake (slimy mushrooms)
salmon or other fish flakes
ajitsuke nori (flavored seaweed strips)
ume (pickled plums)
chirimenjako (dried anchovies)
tobiko (flyfish eggs or flying fish roe)
ikura (salmon eggs or salmon roe)
a packet of ready-made ochazuke seasonings
etc...there is a large array of choices probably even i dont know. but this is a filling and healthy dish option for any meal! =) personally i could eat it every single day for every single meal! ^__^
Thursday, January 27, 2011
saddening feelings of a far away girl
...i know that i have nothing to really feel upset by, or rather i know that there is nothing that i can think of to make me sad. i should be ok right now. things are calm, our relationship is better than it was and i am considerably better where ana is considered...and yet...there is something tugging at me. i have not felt anything in so very long! ive pushed everything into the background because without reason, what good are they? why are they? sadness is nothing, it should be nothing, it should not exist without a reason behind it; and yet here i am feeling it without any reason that justifies it!...maybe the background of my mind is so cluttered that my emotions are spilling out of me without any attachment to what is at hand? since the last time i had a real, full, cry several months ago, i have forbidden myself to have a good cry. i want to, but for some reason i cannot let myself do it. i wont, for no reason in particular; i just cant. i am at a loss for words to explain this. i feel neither here nor there and i cannot focus. i cannot get in a good nights rest without tossing and turning and my mind is so preoccupied that my forgetfulness is much worse. i already am quite forgetful but it is only like this when my mind is running on its own. as i am writing this i am fighting myself to keep my eyes and cheeks dry. a tear or three may fall and i have a stuffed nose, a lump in my throat and a heavy chest, but for no apparent reason! i truly do not understand myself! i wish i knew what this was and why i will not just CRY! fuck sake just let it OUT!...perhaps because it will not fix anything? perhaps it is because i somehow think i am too prideful for it?...but those are just ideas for i do not look down on those who cry, so why would i view it as such?
oh...i am sorry for this horrible post girls. i have been trying not to post such things but i just needed to say something, without really saying anything, you know? i know i am full of thinking dots, "but"s, commas, "or"s, saying the same thing more than once and the whole shit-load of crap :/ i hope you could make sense of anything i just said not that any of it even really matters ha! anyway...please listen to this song if you've the time, it is quite good and im almost certain you'll feel the words.
EDIT: boyfriend is so sweet, he really is! he came to me the other night; before bed, he held me close, kissed me and assured me that he will always be there. he laid his head on my chest while i stroked his hair and he told me that...if i want to cry into his shoulder while he holds me, if i want to talk, or for anything...that he will always be there...it made me smile and it made me happy. for some reason, i needed to know that, to hear it. i wanted to cry out of sadness even then, but i didnt. i had no reason to! i should have been happy to hear those words! i am not saying i wanst, i was very happy! but why did i want to cry then?...he must've known there was something wrong...oh, how could he know even when i did not?! i frustrate myself to no end!