On Sunday I worked with Cheri, who is also a doctor. She works full time as a doctor throughout the week and part time at Subway on weekends. My other coworker, Jax, had just gone to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. She was rather distressed about it, not understanding what that meant for her. Cheri, being Jax's aunt, began trying to calm her, explaining that "The chemicals in your brain are not balanced which is why you've been so up and down. It will never be stable unless you work with the medication and the doctor and try your hardest to be conscious of your thought process." she emphasised on never. That upset me and I've been depressed since then. I asked, "So what your essentially saying is: without medicine and/or a therapist, her mind is going to stay the same and she'll keep having anxiety attacks left and right?" She replied yes... Yes.
I have no money for a therapist. I have no money for medication. I tried to get better on my own and it made things worse. I can't do it alone but I don't have the money to get help... I am screwed.
I have been depressed b'coz of that. I feel like, why try? But then I have no idea which hole to put that peg in. Am I saying why try to eat? Or am I saying why try not to eat? I've noticed that my binges begin with my first taste of food for the day, which is followed by my mind's trickery. It asks me why I am trying to restrict calories when I've no need to. It tells me it's okay and that I should try to get better. And so I convince myself it is okay to eat. After I eat my mind tells me I've made a mistake and that I should've known better, I should've known not to let my mind trick me, I shouldn't have let myself believe I could handle it. So am I feeling: Why try to control myself and lose? Or: Why try get to better it's pointless?
The latter I believe b'coz I've'nt been able to consume more than 400 calories a day for the last 4 days. I'm exhausted. Not sure if it's the low intake or the depression. Both most likely.
Today Jax told me that she is feeling so much better now that she's taking the medication. She said her mind isn't so noisy and that she can think clearly. She said she's not worried and debating things that she worries about anymore. I felt guilty for it, but I really didn't want to hear it. I was and am envious. I'm a bit angry. I think frustrated is more the word. I know I shouldn't be b'coz she is better and that is a good thing... But I am so tired of this, I want to be better too...
I'm so tired of fighting, but I have to keep fighting b'coz I don't know what else to do.
I want to eat more than 400 calories. I know I should. But I can't. I just can't. I'm back to literally not being able to eat very much.
The last 4 days-
Breakfast- coffee or tea
Lunch: water, iceberg lettuce and olives
Dinner: cranberry juice, a sweet potato, green beans and corn.
Dessert: water, apple
*Huggles*
ReplyDeleteThere are ways to help yourself. learn your triggers and how to avoid/isolate/minimise them, work out what helps you get over the panic faster and the signs for when an attack is coming on.
You will be able to find online support to help you get though until you can afford other treatment.
It is hard, it's VERY hard to muddle through on your own. You have to be very honest with yourself. But you CAN learn how to survive.
*Huggles* Don't give up Kii. Please don't. You're worth fighting for! You deserve pretty things and you deserve to be fought for.
Would adding on an extra 50cals every few days help? The equivalent of an apple or some marmite on cracker. It would give you more energy to fight with too. (When my blood sugar gets low I get sad and grumpy. i don't know if it's the same for you)
Love you so much Kii. Please don't give up!
*huggles*
ah, that sucks! money is so important when it comes to lovely little pills to fix the sadness and that one person (therapist)you might possibly feel safe telling the sadness to.
ReplyDeletehang in there. xoxo