I wonder if I could be prescribed phentermine or something for binging. Even though I'm at 18.5 BMI, which is pretty much a lower normal weight. I just know I can't do this on my own. I also don't have a doctor or the money for one or for medication... far away dreams..
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I've been trying my hardest not to count calories but to just pay attention to what I am eating rather than the number I am eating... Gosh it's sooo hard! I always end up regretting it and figuring I may's well toss everything in the trash since I've to dump it anyway.
I don't know...at least I'm trying? (nice excuse) I have no idea which way I'm supposed to go. I eat something without knowing the calories, believing I can handle it or that I am doing what's right. I tell myself it's okay. Afterward I freak out like a cat's post-startled hissing fit, thinking I was stupid to even try and "how can I even think I could handle it, I knew I couldn't I just wanted to be a pig-" sort've thing. I have been teeter-tottering this for months on end.
One month I'm almost ortharexic: mainly fruits and veggies, nothing processed, no salt, no refined carbs/no gluten, no added sugar, no sugar substitutes, no nothing that isn't strictly organic and natural. I'll have so much hope that I'm getting better and putting my food problems behind me.
Next month all that goes out the window. As long as it's low calorie I'll eat it, sugar substitute or not. I'll be complete controlled ana restriction with so much hope for myself: no more than x-calories per day, eat x-amount've times per day at exactly x-amount've hours in between and do x-amount've this type and that type and that type've exercise per day.
Next month I'm binging and can't stop. I start to eat feeling like I can handle it, after I've eaten I feel as if I've fucked myself so why stop there? Justifying it as "Well, it's easier if I eat more anyway." I wind up feeling disgusting, stuck in b/p cycle after b/p cycle, no enthusiasm for any exercise b'coz I'm a disgusting pig and feeling as depressed as ever.
Then the next month it progresses into actually liking and wanting that feeling after a b/p cycle. I end up eating mindlessly with nothing more than a tiny whisper of "remember the calories". I eat for the taste and the after feeling, not so much the binge, just the after feeling of knowing I am completely empty with nothing but bile and I am utterly exhausted and dizzy.
Then the next month I slowly regain myself and take it one step at a time, ending back at month one: orthorexia (or something like it I don't know).
Okay so it might not go by months exactly, but you get the idea.
Anyway, I really want some abs and a lifted, firm butt that doesn't flow loosely and just exist. I WANT ABS! That is the one steady thing... actually, here are all the steady unchanging things I've wanted:
slim feminine abs
a more toned firm butt that can hold it's own
at least a half inch gap between the thick of my thighs
Anyway, ABS!
Nice butts that I want!
And I just stuck this in b'coz I think the vintage mirror is cool ^^
They probably won't prescribe it unless you're clinically obese or something. That SUCKS.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the restrictions set you up for one of those autonomous starvation-driven binges. It takes time to break the cycle. For muscle building you need consistent and steady nutrition, with a good amount of carbs and protein so your body is BUILDING muscle and not BURNING it off to keep your basic metabolic functions going.
IT WILL TAKE TIME. Go easy on yourself. You're got a whole bunch of shit chaining you down, but YOU CAN DO IT. Be gentle with yourself and remember that a thousand baby steps in the right direction gets you farther than trying to run and falling over.
Fuuuuuck yes I need my abs to be like that. It's soooo close now. My tummy is actually flat now when I remember to pull my gut in. LETS DO THIS!
Love you Kii <3