Today is the first of December.
Twelve more days before I leave on holiday for home.
Nervous, excited, worried, anxious, afraid, happy, sad, terrified.
My mind tells me they will be angry with me. It says they are mad that I haven't called in so long or even written a letter. Hurt and upset that I haven't even wished a happy birthday or Thanksgiving to anyone. I was stuck in my mind. Afraid to call. Afraid to write. Afraid of being judged and ridiculed. And I don't know why. Why would they do that? What am I afraid of? Why am I so afraid to see them? I am excited to see my puppy, extremely so! But... Not for any other reason... Why? Perhaps b'coz she will not judge me. But when I stop to reason, why would my family judge me? I have been through so much and I came out on top, I fought my way through hardship, I left the bad and worked for the good, I have grown up since they've seen me last... And yet I feel so strongly that I have failed. Like none of that matters b'coz I have failed. I am a failure and I don't know why.
For some reason I feel like I am supposed to be thinner than I am. Or at least a lot more toned. As if it was mandatory that I be at least 42.6kg before my trip home. I am 44.9 currently and it is driving me batty to realise that I have twelve days to fix this as best I can... Which probably won't be very much. What I don't understand is why would I feel the need to be thinner before I get home? That would set off the radar immediately and I'd be put under microscope the whole trip! But the mind is never rational is it? Especially not our OCD/ED/perfectionist minds.
I absolutely cannot wait to see my puppy girl!!!
Goodness I am so nervous and on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about what might happen at home.
Like an idiot I spilt my binge troubles to my mum. I had told her I was completely over it all several months ago, yet in a phone conversation I spilt it like an idiot. Though I didn't tell her the other part about trying to get down to 43kg. She'd flip out and so would anyone I told that to. Nobody understands that I am comfortable there.
Who knows, maybe it is good she knows. She can help me stop being a disgusting idiot haha! Though I'm glad I haven't binged but one time in a while!
For some reason I feel like I am supposed to be thinner than I am. Or at least a lot more toned. As if it was mandatory that I be at least 42.6kg before my trip home. I am 44.9 currently and it is driving me batty to realise that I have twelve days to fix this as best I can... Which probably won't be very much. What I don't understand is why would I feel the need to be thinner before I get home? That would set off the radar immediately and I'd be put under microscope the whole trip! But the mind is never rational is it? Especially not our OCD/ED/perfectionist minds.
I absolutely cannot wait to see my puppy girl!!!
Goodness I am so nervous and on the verge of an anxiety attack just thinking about what might happen at home.
Like an idiot I spilt my binge troubles to my mum. I had told her I was completely over it all several months ago, yet in a phone conversation I spilt it like an idiot. Though I didn't tell her the other part about trying to get down to 43kg. She'd flip out and so would anyone I told that to. Nobody understands that I am comfortable there.
Who knows, maybe it is good she knows. She can help me stop being a disgusting idiot haha! Though I'm glad I haven't binged but one time in a while!
Being too busy fighting your way out of a shitstorm is NOT failing, they should understand that. If they know what's been going on they'll be happy to see you in one piece.
ReplyDeleteNo beating yourself up, ok?
Don't panic about the weight, alright? If you employ extreme measures to get it off before you go home, you'll end up under a microscope the whole time and your body will be in such shock that everything you eat while you're there will be stored and you'll have a harder time toning up again after the holidays. Think about it as camouflage or being a stealth bomber. Flying under radars.
*Hugs* If you told her you can tell her you've had a setback, a relapse from stress. She should understand :)
I found a really good thing on tumblr yesterday about the body and fat loss:
http://badassbitchfit.tumblr.com/post/37008018424/calories-in-calories-out-not-quite
It's always a good idea to do research. It used to drive me insane to see Dolly go on diets and lost heaps and come off and gain heaps and NEVER listen to me even though I never gained anything and her chins kept multiplying -.-
Of course, she's a bitch and I love being skinnier than her :3
We lost Zenna when I was 8. He was a pure black&tan german shepherd. He was an amazing, lovely dog, but he got arthritis as he got older. It got so bad that he couldn't sleep and would be lying under the bed all night crying. Dad took him out to his brother's farm for one last play before getting him put down.
I've also had to get a budgie put down. She had allergies that caused a lung condition. (Inbreeding makes pretty birds but they have a lot of problems, this person didn't manage their aviary very well) That bird was my only friend for two years and it was so hard, but she had a haemorrhage and started coughing blood everywhere. I stayed with her and held her, because I didn't want her to be alone with nothing familiar around. Poor tori-chan.
Because of Zenna and watching Grandad Gordon die of emphysema and a half-dozen or so cancers I've always felt that quality of life is important, and that it's selfish to prolong another creature's suffering just to put off the pain of losing them. Getting a pet put to sleep is always a fucking hard decision, it never gets any easier. Sometimes you have to love them enough to let them go.
Sending you lots of hugs and tons of love. Good luck for your trip home <3