my dream is still to be 75lbs, 80-85 at most. will it always be there? will it never go away? and why do i want such a weight so badly? in my technical mind i know it is socially/healthily wrong, but i dont care, it doesnt stop me from wishing. i still want it. i have so many questions with no where to place them...why do i enjoy seeing my bones? why do i enjoy hunger? why do i feel that the type of food and amounts a person eats makes them weak or strong? why do i go through phases where i lack control and gain control? why do i go through phases of ana/mia? currently: mia - purging = weight gain/maintain. i want ana - binging = weight loss/bones. i know i cant fulfil my dream so ive been focused on getting as close as i can without starving myself or purging...do you know how fucking hard that is when your body is telling you you have already arrived at your healthy weight?! why did i ever let myself binge at the beginning of recov?! had i not done that id've been able to look at a plan to gain to 95 and maintain.
but beside all that! i getting a med card! yay! i need to have my tummy checked out. and unfortunately it also means im due for a woman/girl doctor visit O.o im not looking forward to it but i want to get on the pill. i dont like condoms very much and i dont like waiting to get more at times we run out. im an everyday, multiple times a day kinda girl XD also my period is very abnormal so we get scares every so often when my period skips a month (like last month...though, cant say i want it because im fond of it, id rather never have it of course. dont we all wish).
im also going to kmart to get more yarn and apply for a job :D boyfriends mom used to work there and said they are always hiring because people never stay. i hope i get it! i need money for Christmas! i have never missed a year of giving gifts to my brother and im not about to start!
i hope that u get teh job hun
ReplyDeleteand im glad u can get ur stomach checked
my mom said as soon as i get insurance i have to get mine checked too
ive been on the pill for years i hate condoms as well so ur not the only one
eek i understand your struggle. I'm below a healthy weight and I want much lower, but i'm struggling to regain the control that got me this far. Here's to getting our heads on straight! and yay i hope you get the job!
ReplyDeletePulling apart inside my mind, too. Bashing and struggling and fighting at the bars that either bind too tight or don't constrict enough.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck getting a job! I'll cross my fingers for lots of luck and fat paycheck in your immediate future <3