VANCOUVER!!!

IM IN VANCOUVER! :D haha im on a trip visiting my cousin, k. its really good! something i needed! im haveing loads of fun! it is mostly a photography trip. k's girlfriend's dad let us borrow 2 of his antique SLR cameras so we've been going crazy with them! also i finally pierced my lip! it looks so cute XD ill put up a pic later. right now i am totally breaking out :P i completely forgot i am allergic to st. ives face wash sooo my skin is baking out bad in an attempt to rid itself of the toxins i gave it XD

we drove to the coast and spent loads of time in antique shops =) on the way back home we stopped in a little town and took pictures of an abandoned church. there was a girl standing at the bus stop and she caught my eye. she was dressed in a black top with a black hoodie, black glasses, a backpack, a multi color vintage skirt, spiderweb fishnets and black platform boots...or were they combat boots...but either way she stood out! the sky was gloomy, the ground was wet, the leaves had dew drops, it was just the perfect shot! i HAD to ask her for a picture; so i did and she knew exactly what i wanted. she knew i didnt want a posed smile looking at the camera. she reminds me of myself. anyway i took her photo and got her email to send them to her. it was invigorating for me, im not one to do things like that because of my social anxieties, but i did it! :D

ive been doing ok with my intake...well...its been COMPLETELY OVER!!! which i am disappointed in but recovery is about learning to let go of control and gain it in other aspects of life. it was easy at first to just eat, but right now ive hit a point where im eating little again to prevent myself from having to go through the stressful process of going to the bathroom, standing there in front the toilet with my hands on my face while trying to tell myself to get out of there before i make a mistake. every time that happens i have to turn my thinking around from one of failure, to one of success. it always says "you've eaten too much, therefore you've failed, get it out and take away that failure." so ive to re-train it to say "you've eaten a healthy amount, walk away from the toilet and succeed with one step closer to recovery." i like that im becoming more comfortable with my cousin that i can now tell her when im upset about it.

being here ive realized many things about myself i have never noticed: 1) i dont like leaving food on my plate, its one of my OCDs, which is a big reason why i over eat and feel sick. so now, when im full, i put napkins over my plate so i cant see it then push it away before i eat too much. either that or i pack it up, or k takes it away or packs it for me. im going to get into the habbit of asking for a to-go container in which i can put whatever i know i wont eat, into it so my portions on my plate arent as big. 2) i click my teeth without even knowing it! k noticed i was doing it alot and after i did it once she asked me what i was thinking and i said "i dunno, why?" and she said "cuz you were clicking your teeth and i just wanted to know." i didnt know what she was talking about, "what? cick my teeth??" haha it was funny! she said "ya, try to keep track of that, what are you thinking when you do it." so every time i did it she asked what im thinking and 90% of the time i dont ven know i do it! O.o i found out i do it when im excited, anxious or worried/stressed.

this is a very good trip for me! i get to explore my artistic side, be with family, learn about myself and find new techniques to help myself :D