pangs of relapse, however im pushing through

the more i see myself in the mirror and the more i take notice to how much food im consuming lately on a daily basis, the more im beginning to feel the pangs of relapse nudging me, telling me i need to eat less and exercise more. i need to hurry and get myself back to 95lbs before i go into a full blown relapse and have to start again from the beginning. the problem with me that has been from the start, is that i really miss being myself. i miss being stronger than everyone else. every time i look at my tummy or my thighs or my but, all i see is fat and weakness, failure. sometimes i am ok with how i look. sometimes i can actually hear the words boyfriend tells me when he says im beautiful, but unfortunately no matter how often, how much, or how in detail a person may go into about how they see me as pretty, it just doesnt matter. yes it makes me feel good and im not saying i dont like it, i do, i appreciate it very much (if its someone i know. if its from a person i dont know it just makes me uncomfortable and i usually phase it out haha). but it only lasts a moment. i feel good for a moment...if i even believe it, if im not just smiling and laughing it off while thinking in my head "how can you think that? im ugly, dont you see?" there are times i can feel pretty; i have my moments of vanity thus my pictures on facebook, but for some reason it can go away in an instant without warning, poof! back to feeling less than everyone else. i found if im feeling ugly or gross, all my pictures turn out the same way; ugly and gross.


i really cant wait to get a psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist (not sure cuz im not into meds, but if i need it then...i gess). i need to have all these things delt with. ive made a small summary of things that i need help with/addressed so that im not a bunch of mumbled quiet whispers of stuttering hesitations on my firstsecondthirdfourthfifth appointment:

ANA/MIA:
obviously haha!

BDD:
ditto XD

OCD:
calories
food amount
emptying/cleaning my plate
shower routine
neatness
order
people touching me
touching peoples things
sitting in poeples chairs
odd numbers

SAD (social anxieties):
nervousness at gatherings
nauseous feeling
clinging to those i know
chewing on lip
picking at fingers
butterflies
sweaty palms
stuttering
hesitation
vulnerable feeling without security blankets ex-my bag, my camera, my jacket, the person i went with
quietness
declining invitations to avoid all of the above

PTSD:
being around drunks
anger toward drinkers
instantly fearing/hating those who smoke marijuana and having flashbacks
flashbacks during heated arguments/loud fights/angry swearing
fear/anxiety at the smell of beer or marijuana

OTHER:
fear of men
finger tapping when stressed or preoccupied
compulsive face picking (dont tease me...it embarrasses me...)

on the happy side, last night before i got my dinner, boyfriend said "be careful when you eat that, its very filling." i was so happy! he helped! :D

me and boyfriend took the dogs on a little hike in the woods =) it was super fun! the leaves are turning brownish-orange, the sky was beautiful, the air was crisp and the stream was almost nothing. it made for perfect pictures! the dogs had fun, i had fun and so did boyfriend :D boyfriend wanted to find a snake so we looked but no luck :P however we did find salamanders!!!...i think they were salamanders anyway haha! ive never seen one and i was so excited! AND we're going to go on a picnic there soon, its so beautiful in there! depending, we may even camp there a night :D i LOVE camping!