its almost winter and i want to dress like a bear or a silly girl with a unicorn on her coat!!!

ive noticed that i get severe cramping immediately after a bowel movement. its pretty much every time and it hurts so bad. not really stomach cramps, id say it feels more like my intestines have been knotted up or slit open in at least 3 random spots each time. and sometimes i swear it is almost as if my stomach needs to be filled with waste O.O it seems that after it empties, it collapses or something. i dont know how else to put it but it is quite painful to say the least! it often hurts badly to breathe so im forced to take short breaths. no doubt its from eating the greasy foods as ive been, its time to stop! its time to be healthy and start trying again. ive been lacking in motivation and just watching my body turn to crap hating it all the while. its time to put my foot down! i dont feel like me anymore and that collapsedstomachcrampsslits, whatever it was, is my body saying it misses my healthy intake and it is "politely" informing me that IM MAKING IT SICK! i need to take care of myself so that i can love myself, agreed? "yes" moving on.

now that thats taken care of i will say that i am not making any more diet plans or making myself a set of rules as i often do. no, not this time. it is too soon for yet another "plan to success" that i will fail. i am not going to focus on calories, as hard as that will be i need to let that go as best i can. i will not focus on anything. right now i just need to focus on staying healthy, not eating till im stuffed, getting rid of those horrible painful whatevertheyare's, and being able to feel like me again. for the second time, agreed? "yes"

my thighs touch again, how horrid, and my stomach folds when i sit...i swore i was over 100lbs now but i gess its all in my broken eyes. i asked boyfriend
"how much do you think ive gained since we fought??"
"oh i dunno, 4lbs?" i made a shocked face because i swore i was at least 105 again. my face slowly turned to a look of disgust after i realized it still meant ive gained. though i knew that, its horrible to hear.
"what babe?"
"nothing."
"you shouldnt ask me questions like that. its hard to answer because any amount i say your going to not like it."
"i know, i wont ask you anymore. i just really wanted to know a non-biased opinion since i dont have a scale and i REALLLLY want to know how much i weigh."
he's right though, i shouldnt put him on the spot and i wont anymore, i just needed to know for myself.

i was about 93~94. -94 last time i weighed but im not sure if i lost one more before our fight-
and he says i gained about 4. -ill say 5 since i figure he went a litto lower so to not hurt my feelings as much. plus it feels like 4lbs is just too little compared to how gross i got-
so i think its safe to say im about 98-99lbs now. -ill go with 99-
fucking sucks! ive got to get back to my lowest healthy weight which is 95. i cant stand the way my thighs rub, the way my tummy folds over and leaves a red crease when i stand up. and i for sure cant stand the way my tummy hangs to one side when i lay on my left or my right in bed! ug! its so embarrassing!

and oh no! winter is coming! O.O ah!!! i wish i could hibernate through the cold XD last winter i didnt have my own coat or boots, it was the first cold winter id ever experienced, so i had to use boyfriends megadeth sweater and his moms boots. i did love wearing his sweater ^__^ heehee, though i do want to sometimes look *cough* girly *coughcough* haha i hope i can find a good cheap payless pair of boots and nice thrift shop coat. and mayyybe if im lucky and i get money by then i really want this cute furry fuzzy bear/rabbit sweater! theres pink, white and black for rabbit, and brown white, black for bear =)


and i absolutey LOVE this old fashioned lolita coat too...if it wasnt so dam expensive id be ALL OVER IT!!!