i am completely stressed today. i feel so overwhelmed, sad and just upset. i had a breakdown all by my lonesome tonight; closed myself in the dark closet, cried and hyperventilated. i basically had another emotional breakdown, just an overload of negative emotions came pouring out. i needed it but i still dont feel better. this time is different though: im angry at myself and i dont know why, im mad at boyfriend and i dont know why, im sad and i dont know why. how can one claim all these emotions toward a person or them self and not know why?? i really need to look into medical insurance! i need a psychiatrist badly! someone to talk to, someone professional who will try to understand and help me, someone i can confide in who will allow me to talk about things i need to. not to mention i also really need to get my tummy checked out. its been getting progressively worse. i woke at 10a today and couldnt get out of bed until around 4p.i told boyfriend that i missed home and he suggested i go home for a month or two, then he will join me and we return here together after a third month. i am not completely sure if i want to do this, but maybe i should. maybe i need it. maybe i need a break from everything before i lose my mind. i feel myself slipping back into depression and i dont want to go back there. im trying my hardest but its just adding to all my stress.
well...fall classes began...and i am not in them...i feel like a failure again, possibly something that adds to my emotions. i just procrastinated and procrastinated and just never did it. i usually procrastinate and then crank things out at the last minute, but not this time. -and here i go putting myself down again- i sound like a baby but im scared. i didnt do it because im scared. its stupid i know, but its true and its how i feel. i just wish someone would understand that and quit putting me down for the things/hurt/sadness i feel!...anyway, to put it short, i took the wimpy road and didnt pursue uni in fear of failure which in turn has made me a failure, aint life sweet?!
mayb visiting home would b a good idea hun a change of envirmoment get ur mind off things really think about it
ReplyDeleteand u prob should go tot he doc i dont want nehting to happen to u
You cannot know the sweet in life without first tasting the bitter. Awful but true.
ReplyDeleteDammit man, I know EXACTLY how you feel. That paragraph about Uni was me to a T. Listen to me; you ARE NOT a failure. That is the depression lying to you. Talk to a counsellor through Uni or get someone through your Doctor, they'll tell you the same. Also go to the damn doctor for your stomach. Catch it before it makes you give birth to an alien baby or something :p
DON'T let this shit win. The awful feelings will pass, just dig you fingernails in and let it wash by. Homesickness will be adding to all this stress that is building up and trying to squish you. It's all free ammo for the beast, but if you know it you can deny it the free weaponry for making you feel like shit.
If you need to talk to me, send me an email. Anaperidot{@}gmail}.{com If I can't crawl into the cupboard and give you a hug, at least I can send you a bombardment of emails saying YOU ARE AWESOME!
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE!!!
Sorry to read you are having a rough time. Hope you are feeling in a better mood & hopefully you get to visit home if that is what you need to do. <3
ReplyDeleteFeel better, Kii! Maybe some time back home would be relaxing. You can always sign up for classes during the spring semester, so don't feel bad about yourself.
ReplyDeleteLots of love! xoxo