me

hey girls. i wish i could say things are better but they are not. i dont understand what is wrong. just, so many things are going wrong. i feel depressed all the time and i hate it...im so tired of life. i am young, im 21 for fuck sake, i shouldnt know this feeling but i do. im in my early 20's i should be living life to the fullest, laughing, smiling, feeling the sun, being invincible...but instead i feel life is pointless, i laugh in moments that last a few seconds and ditto for smiles. i am by no means invincible. i feel fragile, weak, like i could shatter at the smallest shout. everything hurts, everything saddens me, everything feels like this is heading no where. i was recently told by a friend, basically in so many words, that i am weak, fake, heavily influenced, easily hurt and that one would like to think i am my own person but it seems the opposite. i am weak, ill give her that much, but fake? influenced? not my own person? i thought she knew me. i am fake in terms of hiding my pain to the best of my ability, smiling and laughing when i hurt inside. but i AM my own person! i locked myself away from people for so many years because i was sick of people and of being told that i am not myself, being told that i take on and copy others. well i was young, 12, its what kids do. but i had a mature sense of self and i hated being told those things. so in an effort to fix it and prove them wrong, i stayed away from people to try to discover what was me, what i liked and disliked as myself. and as a result i am an odd weird girl that everyone sees as "different". and i dont see that as a bad thing at all, not one bit, i like it. i love it! i AM my own person! and here it is happening again. someone is telling me i am not me and it hurt. and when i expressed that hurt i was next told that i hurt too much.

i am so confused! i was told that i should never hold things in for i suffer emotional breakdowns, which is true. i was told that i had no need to hold my feelings in because i will be comforted, loved, understood. so i start to let them out, slowly learning how because it was never something i was capable of. (that is until i met boyfriend in '08, he weakened me somehow, everyone says so and i see it too.) but then i speak of my hurt feelings and am told i let too much out, that being nice to me all the time isnt possible...i dont like this. i dont like being jerked around all the time. my emotions are fragile, ive carried them since i was a little girl and to let them out is hard, there are few people who get the opportunity to see the hurt i hold. i cant do this in-out-in-out, its just breaking me.

there is a fast food restaurant opening near our house and its walking distance. im going to apply and i really hope i get the job, you have no idea how bad. i dont care about the money except to pay for a psychiatrist. i really really really reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally need and want one so badly! if i could ask for that for Christmas, i WOULD and it would be the only thing i ask for! it is the only place my emotions and feelings are safe. the only place i can let myself relax and let go and get help. no one else knows how to help me. no one else wants to try, or to understand, or to let me let it out so that i can feel some sort of peace. all they know is that it is too much, and they would rather disregard my past hardships which i NEED addressed and understood. i need someone to try to understand not to push me away. im so so tired of being pushed away or made to be quiet. things need to be addressed and taken care of or i will never be able to live and be how everyone needs/wants me to be.

also one of the things that bothers me most is the fact that all people see in my eating disorder is fat/skinny/too skinny/healthy/unhealthy/sickly, but that isnt what this is about. i need/needed to know -for. my. self.- that i can be strong. i can not eat if i choose to, i can resist it if i want to. no one else can do that beside people like us. it isnt about fat or skinny for me. when i see that ive gained i dont hate it because im ugly in physical appearance of vanity, i hate it because it shows how weak ive been and i am tired of being that weak little girl everyone sees when they look at me. the more bones i see the stronger i know ive become. "i dont have to eat if i dont want to eat and no one else can do that so dont you tell me i am weak!" is basically how it is.

as a result of all things said, i have decided that from now on i am going to significantly diminish any signs of weakness that i portray to anyone who is not a therapist. from now on, this is where all my energy will be going:
1. no more crying
a. unless alone
b. if i cant hold it back, i must go take a walk. crying cannot be seen by those close to me.

2. no more displaying of hurt feelings
a. i will smile in the face of hurt
b. laugh act normal as if nothing is wrong

3. no more anger

4. no more disappointment

5. no more over eating or eating of large calories
a. no greasy food
b. fried foods will be occasional
c. no more meat

who am i? i am me. this is me:
female
japanese/british
5 foot 1.5 inches
98lbs
small-x small in blouses
size 1 in jeans
small feet, size 5

at parties and gatherings i hide from people to avoid conversation and stick close, almost clingingly, to whoever it is i am with. i am quiet and i stumble over words when you meet me. i usually cant think of anything to say so i keep my mouth shut for fear of embarrassment and just wait until you speak to me. and even at that i dont say much. in result, many mistake it as dislike or hatred when, in fact, i am just a shy girl. i am the girl you see that you want to protect, the girl who is helpless, timid and shy. the girl you can barely hear but a whisper from and who could yell as loud as she wanted in a library and no one would hear a peep.

when you get to know me i learn to talk and to be loud and you wonder how it ever was that i didnt speak. you see the oddities in me that make you smile, my little quirks and interests that you find unique. i start to have my moments of boldness and times when i can speak out. the more comfortable i get the more i am pushed away, the more people dislike me. perhaps this is the reason for my shyness. i suppose it acts as a wall.

as for my likes:
i like BOYFRIEND, books, TEA, games, shows, ribbons, BOWS, clips, HATS, socks, thigh-highs, dogs, ferrets, strawberries, blueberries, muffins, cookies, OATMEAL RAISIN ANYTHING, rainbows, birds, MIA, fake jewelry, love, COLORS, happiness, smiles, the gazette, laughter, bones, CONTROL, thin, POETRY, nature, leaves, PARKS, swings, slides, beaches, FOOD, swimming, sand, coral, fish, seaweed, stars, the moon, blood, ANA, cuts, wounds, GIRUGAMESH, hunger, zucchini, STRENGTH, lettuce, GRANOLA, bananas, WRITING, grapes, raisins, MUESLI, dehydrated blueberries, letters, perfume, skirts, blouses, beads, VINTAGE, owls, cross stitch, knitting, CROCHET, rubber bands, plastic tree, sakura, edamame, MOCHI, saba, kimono, kanji, ROMANCE, thrift shops, THERAPY, dates at the park, KISSES, hugs, UNDERSTANDING, support, acceptance, photographs, abandoned places, pet shops, anime, manga, japanese metal, DAVID BOWIE, lolita, cosplay, bunnies, butterflies.

my dislikes:
DRUGS, alcohol, lying, cheating, anger, CRYING, feelings, emotions, negativity, yelling, MEN, people, weakness, FOOD, darkness, loneliness, helplessness, worthlessness, hatred, fear, anxiety, SPIDERS, ants, centipedes, MIA, rich blond bitches like paris hilton, mia, disregarding peoples feelings, PEOPLE that smoke PAKALOLO around NON-smokers, people who insist on me drinking, ANA, people who INSIST that i take pills, people who get drunk, people who act stupid, headaches, anemia, hospitals, doctors, dentist, medication, TREES AT NIGHT, when those close to me dont believe in me, ROCKS UNDER THE WATER, being called fake, being isolated, NOT HAVING THERAPY, not being understood, not having support, not having love, not having boyfriend