new thoughts, new me

so...ive been eating disordered since the age of 12. it really became full blown at 14-15; it has been SO very long. i never really thought anything was wrong until 17 when i really started thinking about things. at 17 my thought processes became deliberate, not subconscious. i think back and i wonder, when did it all start? i cannot, for the life of me, remember seeing myself in the mirror and thinking "wow, you look good!" i cant remember ever feeling good about myself. the thoughts i remember are feeling i was fat, weak, too shy for my own good. i never thought id ever get the chance to know love because im not good enough for it. im worthless weak and definitely too much for any one person to handle if they knew everything there is to know about me.

i hide things in fear of rejection. ive hidden so much that when i think "ok, he knows me completely now, ive nothing to hide." something shows itself that ive forgotten or have put off. i mean, im not saying my anorexia is something i simply forgot to mention, not at all. i hid that with purpose. but there is always something hiding in the back of my mind waiting to be remembered, confronted; waiting to explode. first it was my contradicting darkness and all my oddities, then it was my depression, then my cutting, now my ED. what else have i got that threatens to isolate me? am i going to go completely insane and turn into a vegetable? alot of time i feel like i could and may very well be traveling to insanity. i feel...not right...up there...just not right.

from the time boyfriend asked me to be his, ive always said that if we ever separate, itll be because of something ive done. maybe not something ive done purposefully like cheat or steal, but something ive caused. i proved myself right, i have never wanted to leave him but i have given him reason, twice, to leave me if he saw fit...but at my surprise, he stays...that makes me happy. it makes me feel i can stop worrying and fearing loneliness because i wont ever be alone again. but the closer i get, the more i keep things to myself. and ive done that for so many years, ever since i was a little girl, that i think i cant take it for very long anymore. i have emotional breakdowns. the first time i started feeling things and actually crying when i needed to, was when i met boyfriend 2 years ago...he made me weak...i dont know how, but he has. my mom sees it, my brother sees it, even i see it. why does love make a person weak?

well, this was a depressing one wasnt it? it wasnt supposed to be. it was supposed to be a happy one at my new feelings toward recovery. haha well, despite the mood this post sets, im in a happy, quite ok mood this evening. ive got on a new outlook and im going to give recovery the best shot ive ever given it yet! wish me luck girls!