turning weakness into strength

ok so! i need control, i need to be healthy, i need to stop being a fat ass unruly eater. i regret to inform you all, those panties i was so happy that i once again fit...are currently no longer wearable. (i italicize currently seeing as im set on making that change) i cant get my fat ass in them O.o yes, i have put on THAT much weight, oh goodness help me! how on this earth am i still tolerating myself? i had stopped wearing them after i began self recov, i felt i didnt deserve to wear them because of how horrid my intake was. well, after my shower i put them on and i could not, for the life of me, get my ass to fit in the dam things! and believe me i TRIED! i didnt want it to be true. i tried and tried hoping that maybe if i tuck my ass fat in here and tugged a little there, that maybe, just maybe, it will fit; to no avail. shit, ive undone all my hard work! recovery does not mean eat like a pig and it definitely does not mean to binge, its all just making me hate myself all the more. so, back to counting cals. im on ABC again! modified ABC mind you, im still shooting for recov =) haha isnt it neat? i will be finishing ABC on halloween.

oh goodness, ive had such a rough couple weeks! ive confronted boyfriend about his pill highs and unfortunately this took place on the morning of his birthday. i just couldnt keep it to myself. it was a now or never situation. if i can speak, i need to speak or i never will. so i took advantage my emotional readiness and spoke my mind. it was a one sided argument; mostly i was the scolding girlfriend but i dont care, it needed to be addressed. to put it our conversation short i basically said "choose me, or the pills". i told him "this is the same stuf i went through with my father as a child. he would fall asleep all over the place, wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me to cook him food only for him to fall asleep in it and id have to clean it all up...i refuse to make the same mistake as my mother. as weak as everyone thinks i am, im stronger than that." i emphasised that i dont want to be jerked around, no hiding, no pretending its going to stop when its not. i told him he needs to let me know what he is going to do. i also made sure he knows how much i love him and that it will not/hasnt changed. if i have to, i will leave. im not going to do this every month, im just not. i hope it doesnt come to that because i love him with all my heart and it will be so hard to know i failed my first relationship. i always wanted to make the right choice and fall in love with my eyes open. i didnt want to be love blind in my first relationship and i hope i havent been. i hope the good boy he really is can pull through and chose me. i wanted my first relationship to be my last, i really want to marry him and make a life with him! so, i only have left to wait and see if ive failed or succeeded.

on the bright side, he cheered up later that night after work =) i spent the whole day baking his birthday cake. i was upset but after i got it all out i was able to be ok. im not one of those people that holds a grudge and keeps being upset. im only that way if i havent had a chance to really get it out. i would put up a pic of the cake but ug, i dont wanna look at food right now i feel so gross :P but if you wanna see it click the smiley (^-^)