japan girls are tiny, i am japanese...i need to live in japan

ive had a few good days =) i still miss myself but on good days i can at least feel ok. i can eat without regretting or having to experience the internal fights. i dont have to feel so distant from myself or so fat. i suppose i cant really say i feel fat as in obese, but i feel fat like chubby, over weight. when i look at myself in the mirror, i look almost how i did when i was 135lbs O.O goodness forbid! i will never allow myself to become that far gone again! NEVER! i will never let myself go past 110! that in itself is too far. ive also another proof that i am able to be at 95lbs. i am japanese and over all, japan girls weigh between 36-45kg (which is 80-100lbs). in japan, it my as well be unacceptable for a girl to be over 100lbs for she will be called and looked at as fat. it is not ok to be over 100lbs unless you are surprisingly tall (which i am not). girls over 100 are considered fat or chubby...so i am fat because im japanese and im 107 right now :P :P :P the norm in japan right now is 5' 3" 100-105lbs. thats "technically" underweight, if your in america. so judging by that, a girl of my height, 5', would be between 86-91lbs. (AKA- heaven) so yes, i need to live in japan! im going to someday and i cant wait! not only because of that matter but hey, can you blame me for being happy? heaven is accepted in japan, of course id be thrilled! XD though the weight norm is slowly climbing because of the western influence in food -__- white people ruin everything they touch...sorry, im a bit racist at times :P

sadly, however much medical/other proof i have that i can be 95, no one is going to like it because unfortunately, i have a label now and have given people a preset way of thinking if they know about ana/mia. so even if i was 95 when no one knew, even if i was healthy, even if everyone said i looked good, they will now say i am unhealthy at 95, i look gross, i look malnourished, i need to gain 5+lbs, whatever whatever blah blah blah they want to say. it is only because of the ana/mia label that they now feel that way about something they were previously alright with. people are given tunnel vision when they learn things, they do not consider things of fact, only things of fear and untrust. same as when my mother found i was cutting. scratches were not just scratches anymore, shaving slips were not just shaving slips, they were suspicions. she did not take into consideration the fact that if i had done it with purpose they would not be out in the open, they would remain hidden in a hidden place. people are blind, run by emotions. i am also at fault of being emotionally blind as well. seeing with true eyes is not an easy task, ive had anxiety attacks because of such confusion at trying to see with true eyes and not emotional eyes. so i do not blame but merely state facts that i wish were more known. the only thing i blame people of is not letting me be, saying i am too "thin", accusing me and jumping to conclusions that i have not had enough because i eat like a bird. my whole family eats like birds (beside a few). ive a tiny tummy by default. at times i dont feel like eating breakfast, i never was a breakfast person; neither is my mother. and at times i dont feel the need to stretch it more than need be. especially now, at this critical time, i should not be stretching it to eat more than i need, or else ill be in torture as i was the night i decided to scrub away my fat...i felt i was going to lose my mind that night.

i never understood when my mother said she almost lost her mind on a certain day she had a panic attack. she said she could feel her self, her mind, her thoughts, leaving her. jumbling into themselves and imploding. she said she was afraid because she could feel her sanity slipping. now i know what that feels like. i can now understand how a person can fear for their sanity and know when insanity is near. i always thought insanity was something that just happened without warning to its host, but i think that is only in some extreme cases.

anyhow, those are the only things i blame people of. i am trying to change for the sake of the people i know, so i feel they should try to help me, not bring me down for i am doing this for them. how i eat is how i eat regardless of ana/mia. i am making sure my cals are at the appropriate level and i have not purged since i had promised i wouldnt (which i have to say thankyu for, i was caught in the worst mia phase i had ever been in since i was 14 and that brought me out of it). and not only the people i live with, which is why i said people i know. it happened while on vacation and happens over phone. also, they should see that calling me too thin or too skinny is just as hurtful and bothersome as saying i am fat or too chubby. if you are chubby/fat it is still you, it is hurtful, it is basically saying a person is ugly because of their outer appearance and you cant accept them for who they are. same goes if you are being called too thin/skinny. it is who you are, it is hurtful, and it is saying you are not accepted because of who you are.

yes, ana/mia makes it seem as though we are vain. some of it is vanity. vanity to look better than others, to feel above others. but it is the insecurities, the lack of control, the self hate and perfection we battle (at least that is how i view it). it is not so much the need to be thin to look good, but the need to prove i am strong and i do have control. the need to show it to the world and to myself. part of it for me is vanity, but the bigger part is seeing any kind of fat as a form of weakness and inability. i want to look beautiful in a sense of strength. my bones are beautiful because they show how strong ive become. the more they show, the more outgoing i seem to get, less insecure, less self conscious, less nervous. for some reason it stabilizes me...any of you girls feel that way?

forgive my rant, i had so much to get out for i had not had a chance to really let loose and write my feelings.