tomorrow is an excuse

i keep saying "i will do better tomorrow" "i will eat healthier tomorrow" "tomorrow, no greasy food". i say it SO much! every mia phase for the past 6-7yrs! i cant help but feel, "how many more tomorrows do i have to go through this torture? is it going to be 'tomorrow' for the rest of my life until the day i die?!" they dont know its such a fight for me every single day to eat how they want me to. i eat like them and pretend im fine with it and i am, on easy days, but i dont have many of those. i seem fine to them because i dont throw up anymore and i rarely binge (not that that in itself would be realized). but mia was the smaller part of me, the bigger part of me is the part that stays under 150-200cal per day. ok, i have to off track for a min: i felt SO AMAZING that last month! i must say i felt more in control, strong, alive and like me than i ever felt in my life! :D im glad i had the opportunity to finally feel that without opening my flesh...though i have to admit that feels pretty good in itself. im able to keep my emotions in check when i cut or whatever harm i do to myself. without it im this vulnerable little girl who cant keep her emotions to herself, gets hurt all the time and cries just as much, yuck! who wants to be such a cry baby?

...ok, back to what i was saying. its a fight everyday and i cant wait till im either "all better" (that term just annoys me but i dont know how else to put it) or somehow back to ana...pshhh like that would ever happen! thats one of those dreams you know will never come true. i try to ignore my mind and just eat but alot of times i end up arguing with myself and tearing myself up! oh well...ill figure it out someday i hope =)

oh ya! our 1yr anni was on the 3rd! yay! :D we went to a concert, my first haha! i didnt write about it or halloween because for some reason ive been a bit absent from blogger as you've noticed. partially lazy, partially busy and partially ive lost my reason and meaning to who i am. i apologize to all of you girls who i am closer to. i do read your blogs i promise :3