i need a dr before i go insane

i had a breakdown last night...i wanted curly fries so we got arby's for dinner. i like it...i wanted it...but i felt so much like i failed myself. before i ate it i told myself "you want it, it tastes good, recovery" after i ate it i wasnt so positive. one, it was fast food. greasy fast food! two, i used the sauce and got cheese. three, i ate more than i should have. i let myself become fuller than i realized i could handle. after dinner i took a shower totally ignoring the battle that would come in the bathroom. i knew i was full, felt crappy, and felt ive failed, but i NEEDED a shower! that is when i need it the most actually. i tend to feel loads more dirty when ive over eaten. so i went in there, closed the mirror FOR SURE! (you know, they should sell those things with a warning printed between the layers in the top corner, like how they give epilepsy warnings in video games. "WARNING: if you've an eating disorder, do not use while nude!" haha!) i wanted to purge, i almost did it without thinking but luckily i brought myself out of it which i am happy about. ive come so far i dont want to ruin it or my relationship i love him too much.

im glad the shower and air vent makes quit a bit of noise. the anxiety/panic attacks i have in there are defo embarrassing! x_x i fought myself so hard that i gess i kinda broke down for a bit...i washed my hair, conditioned, shaved, the whole time telling myself im crap, this is not me, im fat, why cant i be at least skinny in my eyes, ive failed, i have to find a way to get rid of it. but also telling myself no its just your mind, dont do it, dont go backwards, remember its not real...by the time i got to scrubbing my body i just...snapped...for some reason i thought maybe if i scrubbed hard enough and fast enough that it would go away. i went for it like a crazy person just scrubbing and crying until i crouched in the tub and just let myself cry under the water until i couldnt cry anymore...why i thought i could scrub my fat away? i dont know...i kept thinking of how i dont understand why i see and think so differently from everyone else but at the same time i was thinking that if this is what i see and think then why is it wrong to be me? as well as trying to make myself think like them or to at least make myself forget it and just be how they want me to be. all those contradicting thoughts jammed at each other and i just confused myself into a moment of insanity.

i hope i have better days. i feel pretty good today so im glad for that =)

EDIT: sometimes i feel as if i am being forced to be someone than who i am. if people dont like who i am then fuck them! this is who i am and who i have been for most of my life and i want to, and sometimes do, think that im not going to be someone i am not just because they dont like it. but on the otherhand i know i am ill now...however the pride in my bones and how little or healthily i eat remains and i doubt it will ever go away.